Microsoft Word - Illicit Desires ePub.doc (25 page)

"Uh, sorry, honey, I was thinking about something," I apologized. She huffed and

looked out the window. I felt like shit. "You look stunning!" I leaned in and kissed her on

the cheek. She offered me a small smile, but didn't say anything else, making me feel worse.

"Seriously, what is it?" Lily asked Ian again, bringing my attention back to her.

"It's just … you look—"

Say the word 'hot' and you'l spend the rest of the day picking up your fucking teeth off of your precious

car's floor, dickhead!

"… uh … nice."

"Oh," Lily blushed. "Thanks, Ian. You don't look so bad yourself." She smiled.

"Ow!" Ian winced when I slapped the back of his head. "What the hell, Adrian?"

"Watch the road, asshole!"

"Douche!"

When we finally made it to school, we actually had to yell at Elliot and Sandra to bring

them back to reality; they'd been in "sucking faces land" since …
forever
.

"Lily!" Julia, who was still in the parking lot, sang as we hopped out of the car. "You

look so fucking sexy!" she commented in a loud voice, bringing all eyes on my sister.

Bitch!

Lily made a comment on Julie's outfit, then, as Emma and Sandra made it over to them,

they started all the,
'ohmigod, I love that skirt, I adore those jeans, I'm so jealous of your top'
bullshit.

Girls!

All fucking day long I did nothing more than snarl at every fucker who eyed my sister

with fucking hungry eyes. At lunch, I saw Lily talking with that asshat John. They were

smiling and giggling, and I wanted to rip his fucking throat out.

But instead, I elbowed him once – or
ten times
while we were at practice at the end of the

day. He may have gotten slightly bruised ribs in the process. Fucking asshole deserved it!

The days passed with the same rhythm. Lily was driving me insane with her clothes. I did

nothing about it, giving her the message that I was keeping my word and I'd wait for her to

tell me herself that she wanted more.

I
knew
she wanted more. I kept my hands to myself – well, to my dick, to be clearer. I'm

telling you, I seriously began to think that my dick was going to fall off from yanking on it

too much.

Every guy who I even
slightly
thought, just for a second, might be thinking about asking

my girl out, I made him think twice. I was like a mad dog who scared everyone away from

their owner's house.

And all of that, I did wordlessly – an elbow in gym class, or while practicing, or just

while simply walking in the lobby. I might have kicked someone in the balls as well,

apologizing right after it for thinking he needed help with carrying his books and my knee

got stuck between us somehow.

We made a new friend, Peter, an Egyptian exchange student. He was cool and funny,

and his girlfriend wasn't so bad either. It all went somehow sort of okay for the first couple

of months. Lily was boyfriend-free and that was all that mattered to me.

I didn't know that my world was going to turn upside down the night I made it to the

house after my football practice and Lily wasn't there. At first, I'd thought she was up in her

room, studying or doing whatever, but when Mom served us dinner and she wasn't at the

table like every fucking day, I knew something was off.

"Where is Lily?" I asked.

"Oh, honey, you don't know? She went out." Mom replied, looking all excited and

smiling. I suddenly felt a serious need to vomit.

"Went out, where?" My voice became louder for some reason. It was like I already knew

what she was going to say, but my mind wouldn't believe it just yet.

"Oh, Adrian, you should have seen her, she looked stunning," Mom squealed. "I can't

believe she just went out on her first date ever!"

I felt like I had just been hit by a car – no, by a bus. My vision became blurry, and I

wasn't hearing what my mom was babbling on about with my Dad. I felt like I was

underwater.

Who was the fucking bitch who dared to take her out?
All I've done was in vain?
Where the fuck did

he take her?
What is he going to do with her?
Who the fuck is
he
?!

"With whom?" I didn't recognize my own fucking voice.

"Ian." Mom frowned, confused that I didn't know already.

Ian!
The fucking son of the bitch!
He's fucking dead!

It was like he wasn't the same person any more. Everything about him has changed. I hated

it. But, sadly, I couldn't fix it. Looking back at the past few years makes me wonder: What

really happened to him? How did he become like that? I even Googled it, but was not

offered any valid information.

Adrian
… The one who once swept my tears away was now the one causing them.

I was trying really hard to understand what he was going through, having those kind of

…
thoughts
about me and all. Yeah, I understood him trying to get away from me. That was

the Adrian I knew and loved. But he stopped doing that; now, he was only trying to touch

me and be intimate with me, one way or another. And I was really tired—bored with trying

to push him away.

"Tired and bored" or are you real y just enjoying it?

I don't know…

I real y don't know.

I had spent so many days, weeks and even months doing nothing except being confused

about the whole thing. I won't lie, at first I shrugged him away with all of my might, because

it was the right thing to do. But now, I didn't know how I felt any more.

I liked the way he touched me. He made me feel things I'd never felt before. He

touched spots in my body that I never knew existed. I loved the way he paid attention to my

clothes and how I looked. I still remembered the first day he told me about the kind of

clothes I wore that made him uncomfortable – that day I felt really pretty.

Every other day, I dressed modestly so as not to
bother
him. I felt pretty because I was

thinking about why I was dressing that way. The answer was that there was someone who

suffered if I dressed otherwise because he thought I was so pretty and
sexy
.

Maybe I didn't know it back then, but I knew it now. I liked the way my brother made

me feel. Physically and emotionally. But then again, it was wrong.

Adrian was acting like
"I want you, you want me, let's have fun."
He thought there was no

problem as long as we both wanted it. But it was
not
right.

There were lots of things to consider about whether or not I was really up to going

along with what he was saying and just … go for it. So many things…

There were people. There was God. Culture and religion. Manners and beliefs. Morals

and taboos.

I couldn't ignore all of that just because my brother—and my body—were telling me to

do so. I had a brain that I should involve in all of this, and my brain and mind were telling

me that I couldn't. That it was wrong. That it was not right!

I didn't know how Adrian could just forget about all of that? Didn't he at least think

about our parents? And how if they found out something like that it would break their hearts

into pieces?
!

And above all of that, I didn't like the way he had been treating me. I tried to stop it,

that was why I considered dating. Thinking maybe, just maybe, if he saw that I wasn't

available
any more, he'd just move on with his life and forget about me.

But of course, most likely not… I really didn't think about dating John; maybe last year,

yeah, but not anymore, he was weird. I just flirted with him a little only to piss Adrian off,

nothing more. I didn't like him that much anyway—not at all, for that matter.

Adrian had hit him that day. He'd made it look like an accident, but I knew it wasn't,

and if I'd had any doubts about it, they were gone a week later when he hit one guy after

another by
'accident.'

I stopped flirting with guys eventually; it was just causing pain to others, and I couldn't

keep on doing that. Though in the last few weeks, I'd begun to feel new things toward Ian.

Not the things I felt for him before, no, it was something else.

I'd known Ian my whole life. We'd met in the first grade and had become best friends in

no time, though he spent way more time with Adrian than with me, doing boys stuff and

whatever.

Maybe Sandra took me away a little from our
triangle
when she moved in with her family

in fifth grade. But Ian had always had a special place in my heart, no matter how many

friends we made through the years.

It didn't take me long to realize that those feelings I had for Ian were something more

than friendship. It all started with that small kiss he'd given me the other night. He had

changed, he started making comments about how nice I dressed or how beautiful I looked.

He wasn't that silly boy who acted silly and most of the time talked to me like I was just
"
one

of the guys.
"
I was now
"beautiful"
or so he called me.

When I made the decision to go out with Ian, I didn't feel so bad about what Adrian

might do to him. Ian was a big guy; he could take care of himself, and above all I was now

doing it for a reason. I liked Ian, and I wasn't just doing it to piss Adrian off.

One thing was bothering me though: How would that affect their friendship? Would he

hate Ian now and just think about how to get rid of him or push him away from me? Or

would he just let it go because it was his friend and …
I real y don't know what I'm thinking any

more.

Ian was shocked when I asked him out. Heck,
I
was shocked when
I
asked him out; I

didn't know where I got the courage from. But I'd been hinting about it for a long time and

he wouldn't just do it already! And then he kept asking, are you sure? Will Adrian be okay

with it? Blah blah blah.

Eventually, I told him that we would try, that Adrian could go bang his head into a thick

wall or something for all I cared. It was my life and I made my own decisions, not anyone

else’s.

I didn't tell Adrian. We weren't talking that much anyway. He would just show up in the

bathroom every now and then while I was brushing my teeth or my hair before bed, wearing

nothing but his boxers which mostly didn't leave much to the imagination, putting that

muscular chest and back on display for me to drool over.

Not like I was ogling or anything.
I wasn't.
At al .

He would brush his teeth, too, and then just leave. The lock was a lost cause; it wasn't

working any more for some reason.

To be honest, I was afraid of how he'd react, or that he might do something to prevent

me from going out with Ian, so I told Ian not to tell our friends until we saw how our first

date went. Little did I know that me, dating, would be a huge tipping point for Adrian.

It was really a nice date. Ian took me to a ridiculously expensive restaurant. I felt stupid

for not wearing something more appropriate, just a plain blue dress, but of course Ian made

sure to tell me how pretty I looked every two seconds.

He was really sweet and such a gentleman the whole time, opening the car door for me