Midnight Surrender (Freedom Fighters Series Book 2) (9 page)

Mal chuckled. “He said you would say that.”

I couldn’t help but smile. Alec knew me better than anyone. I didn’t dwell on the “what-ifs”. It was our understanding. We didn’t do that. Instead I sighed and tried to push any doubts or fears from my mind.

Mal put his arm around me. Without thinking I lay my head on his shoulder and moved close. He had always been there for me. I never remembered a time when he wasn’t around except when I left to marry Alec. Mal was a good and loyal friend. He loved me and my son. He would keep us safe. If I had to be in this predicament I’m glad he was with me.

He hugged me tight and released me. “How about something to eat? I think there’s beef in the storage.”

“Really? How is that possible?” I asked.

“It seems the militia has many secrets. Beef is one of them. I’m going to cook up some burgers. Why don’t you see what you can find?”

Beaming a grin at him I scooped up little Benjamin and put him in the sling. The mess hall was large with a spacious dining area. There was an indoor grill and a fairly large kitchen. I located the pantry and storage room, laden with supplies. I found so many canned goods we would never go hungry.

We dined on hamburgers, pickles, mixed fruit, and homemade oven baked fries. I found a bag of potatoes and sliced them, adding some olive oil and sea salt. They crisped up in the oven and tasted delicious. It was a real treat.

The next three days passed without incident. I started a journal that morning, keeping record of our days and activities for Alec. Anything that little Benjamin did was recorded for his father. I didn’t want him to miss out on a single moment. It felt right to record it, keeping each event special.

After two weeks, the journal was full and I started a new one. For some reason, this bunker had an abundance of composition notebooks. I took a box of them into our bedroom. When Alec returned to us he would be overwhelmed with reading material. I chuckled at the thought. He was not an avid reader.

When a month had passed without any signal, I tried not to panic. Agitation was working its way into my consciousness. Why was Alec not contacting us? What happened? What was the delay?

I had trouble sleeping. Often in the night I crept out of the room and paced the hallway. It did little to relieve my tension and anxiety.

On one particular night I wandered the hall aimlessly. Nothing was calming me tonight. I felt jumpy. On edge. I gritted my teeth in frustration. I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off. I took a few deep breaths and nothing helped. Swinging around and heading back in the opposite direction, I ran smack into Mal.

He looked half asleep, his hair tousled in the moonlight.

“Lizzie…” He whispered, his eyes locked with mine.

I couldn’t answer him, a hundred tumultuous emotions running through me at that moment. He seemed to be fighting some kind of battle himself. He took a step toward me and reached out, yanking my body hard against his. I could feel his muscled chest beneath my fingertips. His heart raced in his ribcage. I could feel that too.

He didn’t pause or ask my permission. His lips suddenly met mine, full of passion. I didn’t fight or stop him. Returning the kiss, I leaned into him, knocking us both back against the wall. Surprise must have pushed him over the edge. He picked me up and I wrapped my legs around his waist. Still kissing, he pushed us back against the same wall.

I don’t know how but we ended up back in the bedroom. My pulse was beating erratically, thudding, drumming, racing through my veins. He set me down gently in front of the bed and backed away.

“If you didn’t belong to another man I would lay you down on that bed and make love to you like you have never had before Lizzie. I’m walking away now because I respect you and Alec too much to do something we will both regret in the light of day. But know this…never forget it…I love you Lizzie and I’ll want you...always,” he declared passionately.

I stared at him as tears filled my eyes. He kneeled and placed his hands on either side of my face.

“Oh God how I love you. I always have. Every choice I have ever made I did with you in mind. No matter what the future holds, you will be the love of my life until I die.”

I knew in that moment I loved him too. Completely. Desperately. But it wasn’t enough. I loved Alec with all my heart and soul. Mal could never take his place. He was as important to me as Alec though and he needed to know the truth.

“Mal…I love you too. I just…” I couldn’t finish.

“I know Lizzie. You love him more. It’s ok. I really do understand. It doesn’t change the way I feel about you. But I get it. I do. I’ll be here for you…always.”

I kissed him softly on the lips. “Thank you, for everything.”

He was still staring into my eyes. “I don’t mind being your number two Lizzie as long as I get some little piece of your heart in return.”

Oh how did I respond to that?

“You have it,” I whispered, “and it’s more than a small piece Mal…much more.”

He held me tightly for a moment and then I slept on his chest all night long. In the morning we never mentioned what happened. We never mentioned it again. He always slept next to me and sometimes I would let him hold me, the emptiness in my chest so strong, so agonizing that I would weep into his shoulder. Mal would comfort me and with the morning light I would be strong for my little son.

The next two months passed slowly. We had settled into a routine and made a home. Life was simple, albeit a little boring. My joy was my son. Little Benjamin was growing bigger and his eyes were now the exact same color as his father’s. They held an intelligence that often surprised me.

He seemed to reach his milestones quickly, advanced for his age, and mature somehow, as if he had an old soul buried inside. He was soon crawling, and then pulling himself up to stand, and sitting without help. At ten months, he was taking his first steps and babbling words including “Dada” and “Mama”. It broke my heart that Alec wasn’t here to see it.

I was getting angry and frustrated. It shouldn’t have taken this long. Was Alec captured? Was he hurt somewhere? Doubt plagued my mind. I should have heard from him by now. What was going on? What was the delay? The more the time lingered on, the more my heart sank.

Something must be terribly wrong…

I couldn’t wait forever. Waiting irritated me. I hated it. Patience was not a virtue of mine.

All those long months of happiness with Alec I had momentarily obtained peace. My soul had quieted down, the need for vengeance cooling down from blazing coals to burning embers. They were still hot, sizzling black, ready to burst forth in a fiery crimson explosion when the timing was right. They were coming to life, slowly, being stoked by idleness and uncertainty. They were held at bay only by my son, whose angelic face and innocence guided my thoughts and actions.

I started dreaming of my sister and K.D. again. I would wake up covered in sweat, sometimes calling my sister’s name in agony. I would whimper like a small child until I felt strong arms comfort me and hold me close. Mal’s nearness helped to smooth my raw nerves but I never forgot the enemy was out there. The militia was on the move, continuing the war whether I was involved in it or not. It was a constant reminder…and Alec was out in it.

I became increasingly agitated. I wasn’t waiting around here any longer. I had to find out what happened. I needed to know where Alec was and what was happening on the outside. We were shut off, ignored, forgotten, or both.

My first instinct was to leave little Benjamin with Mal and head out on my own. I nearly did just that but then I realized it would never work. I was still nursing him. His main source of nutrition came from me. I had also made a promise that I would stay with him, no matter what, so he was never without one of his parents. I couldn’t break that promise. Not now.

Anxiety brought forth a feeling of helplessness. In result I had more nightmares, brutal and frightening. They always revolved around my past and twisted with the future, worsening as time continued on.

I didn’t just dream of K.D. and Darren anymore. I had horrific dreams in which Alec was captured or maimed or worse yet, that he had abandoned us. In my heart I knew it wasn’t true. Alec would never leave us. But the longer the silence lasted, the more I felt unsure. The longer I spent without him, the more my apprehension grew.

The final straw happened the very next night. I awakened to another nightmare but this was unlike any I had before. The terror of it hit me so strong I didn’t realize I was screaming until I heard Mal’s voice penetrating into my anguished mind.

“Lizzie! Lizzie, wake up!” His voice sounded hoarse.

“Oh God, oh God, no. No, Alec. No!” I heard myself crying out in despair.

I felt Mal’s arms encircle me but this time I smacked them away.

“No Mal. Not this time. Oh God, no. I want to die. It can’t be. Oh God, no Mal. No!”

He stared at me in confusion. Raising an eyebrow, he looked into my eyes.

“You dreamed of his death.”

It was a statement, not a question.

“I…” I couldn’t even nod. The breath felt sucked out of my lungs. “I can’t do this, I can’t…”

I frantically jumped out of bed, my hand to my chest. “Oh God…”

Little dots of light danced in my peripheral vision. I suddenly felt panicky and closed in, looking all around for windows or someplace to escape. My chest felt so tight I could hardly breathe.

“Lizzie…”

I didn’t pay any attention to Mal. With a quick glance to the cradle I knew my baby boy was still asleep. I bolted for the door and down the hall. I had to get to fresh air. I needed to clear my head.

Running, I didn’t notice if Mal followed me or not. I didn’t slow down or stop until I reached an alcove with doors that led outside. Reaching for the handle, I almost jerked it open until I felt strong arms tackle me to the ground.

Startled, all of the air was knocked out of me. For a moment I didn’t move or draw a breath. I lay there, motionless. The impact had jarred me back. After a few precious seconds I took a breath and filled my aching lungs. I heard Mal take one next to me. Slowly I turned my head to the right. His gaze was filled with so much anger it nearly shocked me.

My eyes narrowed. “What…is your problem?”

The anger radiated off of him. It was almost tangible.

“I…am…”

He never finished what he was going to say. He jumped up abruptly and left, without a word or backwards glance. He hesitated just a moment at the end of the hall and was gone. I am uncertain how long I lay there. Minutes. An hour. Time escaped me. I only know that I got up when the cold floor became too much for me to bear.

I made my way back to the bedroom and checked on little Benjamin. He was still asleep, how I did not know. Surely the child should have awakened at my screaming. Softly I brushed the hair off his little cheek. I smiled down at his cherubic face and left the room in search of my friend.

I found Mal in front of a small electric fireplace. He sat back against a hard leather sofa, a thunderous expression on his face. There were several open bottles of alcohol scattered in front of him. He tipped back a shot of something resembling scotch and sucked in his breath as it burned his throat. I watched him take another shot, this one whiskey. He continued that way for some time.

Eventually his expression softened. I would not say it had returned to normal but I could tell he was no longer seething. Suddenly the corner of his mouth turned up a little and he let out a chuckle. Surprised I arched an eyebrow in his direction. He seemed to notice me then and nodded. I crossed my arms over my chest, annoyed.

“Damn woman…you make my blood boil.”

I hadn’t expected that. Worse, I had no idea what he meant.

At my silence he continued. “You get under my skin and worm your way into my heart. God…I must love you something fierce.”

Deflated, I sank onto the couch next to him. I had nothing to say. There weren’t any words I could give him. I couldn’t encourage this direction he was going. We both knew that. However, curiosity got the better of me and I really wanted to know what he was thinking.

I finally looked at him, determined to find out.

“Tell me.”

Opening this line of conversation was dangerous.

He turned toward me. “I’m consumed with lust…with want…with desire. I’ve never wanted to kiss or throttle a woman so badly at the same time in my life.”

“Why?” I barely heard myself ask.

He sighed. “Because if I walk down this path with you, if I open myself up fully, I’ll take you to bed and to hell with the consequences.”

Shock must have registered on my face.
Oh God
, I thought.

“It isn’t only the fact that I want you physically Lizzie. I love little Benjamin like he is
my own
. I love you like you are
mine
. My body and my heart can’t seem to convince my mind of the truth. I…don’t know how much more I can endure,” he admitted.

I nodded, understanding completely. What did I say? How should I respond? It was partially my fault he felt this way. I had encouraged him.

“Mal you have no idea how I struggle,” I began, trying to mend the rip between us.

He looked at me sharply, taking me by the shoulders.

“You cannot respond to what I am saying. You must not entertain any of it. Don’t tell me of your struggles. Don’t tell me of your desires. You can’t…because I am a hopeless fool Lizzie…and I cannot hear those things from you.”

At my silence he took a deep breath.

“Pay no attention to me Lizzie. Walk away while I can still let you.”

I saw his eyes become clouded. He was retreating, waving the white flag, and doing what a noble gentleman does. My heart swelled at the thought. I was incredibly lucky. Not only did I have Alec, but I had another man in my life who would love me and care for me and my son unconditionally.

Right now, at this moment, I could walk away and nothing would happen. But I could also stay and find out what he meant. The struggle waged inside me until I made a choice.

A choice that would consume us both.

I smiled at him, soft and genuine. “I love you Mal.”

He took a deep breath. And another. I saw his pulse beating frantically in his neck. My gaze returned to his eyes, which were staring at my lips. It was my last thought. I never saw him lean forward but I was caught suddenly in one of the most passionate kisses I had ever experienced in my life.

Unintentionally I leaned into him, melting into his body as he pulled me close. He continued to kiss me until I was breathless. When he pulled away the fire in his gaze burned me in its intensity. I took a deep ragged breath. He warmed me through, igniting a fire of desire inside me. He gasped in surprise when he saw it and reached for me quickly.

“You want me,” he stated, his control slipping.

His lips left a trail of molten lava down the side of my neck before returning to my lips.

“Yes,” I admitted, my voice husky. He shivered.

I could taste the alcohol on his breath and in his mouth as his tongue darted with mine. The heat of his mouth on my neck sent waves of desire into my core. His lips returned to mine and he hugged me close, tight, knowing at any moment he had to let go.

“Oh Mal,” I whimpered, wanting more from him and unable to pursue it.

I loved him. I wanted him, for six long months we had held ourselves back. In truth it was much longer than that. Years.

Denial was a strong aphrodisiac.

“Lizzie…oh my love. I…need…” He could barely talk.

In that moment I knew I could make love to him and it would be wonderful, perfect even. I also knew that if I let him he would fill my heart and overflow it with love and joy. If not for Alec, Mal would have been my husband. He was already a part of me, but it had come too late. Had I known of his love sooner…but I couldn’t let that thought finish.

I smiled at him gently. Raising my hand to his cheek, I spoke softly.

“You’re my soul mate Mal.”

“Yes, Lizzie,” he whispered, “soul mates. Lovers. Friends. We are fated my love.”

“There will always be great love between us, no matter what.”

His hands rested on my hips. “I know. Forever Lizzie.”

Neither of us apologized. We weren’t sorry for what had transpired between us. Alec had left me with a loyal man who loved and cared for his family. He must have known temptation would exist. I would not have sex with Mal. I could not. But my heart and my body knew I loved both men and it betrayed me when I least expected it.

I had a deeper love for Alec and a bond that could never be broken. Loneliness and uncertainty plagued me but that would not make me falter. Marriage vows tied us together. I would not cheat on him. I could not betray his trust.

In the back of my mind, I knew I had gone too far with Mal. We had done more than I ever should have allowed. But in those six months, alone and scared, he had taken the role of husband and father. He embraced it. It was natural for us to want each other.

I told myself it was the situation we were in, promising to never let it happen again. Even as I spoke it to my heart, I knew it was only a pacifying promise and easily broken. Our hearts longed for each other…and there was no way to stop their connection.

Mal was quiet for a moment, hardly noticing my introspection.

“I’m angry…and I’m frightened,” he whispered, vulnerability lacing his words.

“Talk to me,” I whispered back.

“I don’t know how to handle and process this…
us
. You’re my family as much as you are his. I love you and I love your son. I don’t know where that leaves me when he returns. I don’t know how I will be able to handle the separation from you both. I think it may kill me,” he admitted.

I sighed. “If I had some way to make it better I would. If there were words to say I would say them. If there was something I could do I would do it. But take solace in this Mal, you won’t be the only one. I can’t be separated from you either.”

He nodded, tears in his eyes briefly before he moved me from his lap and got up. Pacing, he was quiet for several minutes. Something else agitated him. Something else bothered him.

“I have another reason I am angry,” he admitted.

I nodded. “Go ahead.”

“If you ever…EVER say you are going to kill yourself again, I may actually lose it with you.”

Dumbfounded I just stared at him. “Huh?”

He strode back toward me quickly and put his hands on my shoulders.

“Even if you lose Alec…don’t ever say it again.”

I gulped. Shaking my head I pushed his hands away. How could he judge me? I wasn’t stupid. I had a son to live for. Did he take me for a fool?

“I’m not an idiot Mal.”

He refused to meet my gaze. For some reason this deeply bothered him. He had a personal investment in that promise. Something had happened in his past. I wanted to know but I would not pursue it unless he was ready. I didn’t ask questions and he didn’t continue. The silence stretched between us. When he spoke it was in a whisper.

“Go get some rest. You need it and I need a few minutes.”

I left quietly, listening to the sound of the bottles as he took another shot. Guiltily I walked back to my room, entering the quiet darkness in silence, feeling dismissed and discarded. After all of that passion and closeness, he had turned himself off, and closed his heart away. Mal seldom reacted that way with me but when he did I knew it was grounded in loss.