Miss Brown Is Upside Down! (5 page)

When we were done celebrating, those weight lifters carried a swimming pool out to the middle of the stage. Then they took a big hose and started squirting red stuff into the pool.

“Wow, where do you think they got a swimming pool?” Michael asked.

“From Rent-A-Swimming Pool,” I told him. “You can rent anything.”

“Round four of the Brain Games will be a surprise competition worth a hundred points,” announced Dr. Carbles. “Dirk School and Ella Mentry School will compete at Jiggly wrestling!”

WHAT?! They were filling the swimming pool with Jiggly gelatin? That's crazy!

“I'm not doing that,” said Andrea. “No way!”

“Me neither!” said Emily, who won't do anything Andrea won't do.

“Wait a minute,” said Morgan Brocklebank. “We have to wrestle in Jiggly gelatin?”

“No,” replied Dr. Carbles. “Of course not. The principal of each school has to wrestle in Jiggly gelatin.”

I looked over at Mr. Klutz. Suddenly, he was wearing a bathing suit! He climbed up on the stage and we all cheered.

“What does Jiggly wrestling have to do with using your brain?” asked Andrea.

“The Jiggly gelatin company said they would only sponsor the Brain Games if someone from each school wrestled in a pool filled with Jiggly,” said Dr. Carbles. “Where is Mr. Wilson of Dirk School?”

Mr. Wilson climbed up onstage.

“I'm very sorry,” he said. “But I'm allergic to Jiggly gelatin. So I won't be able to wrestle. Is there anybody who
can take my place?”

All the grown-ups slinked down in their seats. That's what you do when you don't want to get called on.

“I will represent Dirk School!” shouted Dr. Carbles.

That's when the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened. Dr. Carbles took off all his clothes!

Well, he didn't take off
all
his clothes. He was wearing a bathing suit. That was weird. He must have thought he was going to go swimming today.

Dr. Carbles and Mr. Klutz turned to face each other.

“You're going to lose, Klutz!” said Dr. Carbles.

“I don't think so, Walrus Face!” said Mr. Klutz.

“Oh, snap!” said Ryan.

I remembered that the two of them didn't like each other. Back in high school, Mr. Klutz gave Dr. Carbles the nickname
Walrus Face, and then everybody called him that.

As they climbed into the swimming pool, everybody started yelling and screaming. Well, everybody but Little Miss Perfect, of course.

“This is not a good example for children,” Andrea told Miss Brown. “I don't like violence.”

“What do you have against violins?” I asked her.

“I think it's a
great
idea,” said Miss Brown. “
Anybody
can wrestle on the floor. It takes
creativity
to wrestle in a swimming pool filled with Jiggly.”

A bell rang. Mr. Klutz and Dr. Carbles
grabbed each other by the shoulders.

“Klutz! Klutz! Klutz!” we all chanted.

“Carbles! Carbles! Carbles!” chanted the Dirk crowd.

In seconds the two of them were covered with red Jiggly, flipping and flopping all over the pool. It was hilarious! We got to see it live and in person. You should have been there!

“You can do it, Mr. Klutz!” shouted Neil. “We need those hundred points!”

First it looked like Mr. Klutz was winning. Then it looked like Dr. Carbles was winning. Then it looked like Mr. Klutz was winning again. Then it looked like Dr. Carbles was winning again! It was a seesaw battle, even though there weren't any seesaws around.
*

Then Mr. Klutz pulled the toupee off Dr. Carbles's head. That got him
really
mad. He picked Mr. Klutz up, held him over his head, and threw him down into the Jiggly.

“Glug glug!” shouted Mr. Klutz. “I give up!”

Dr. Carbles raised his arms in the air.

“In your face, Klutz!” he shouted.

The Dirk crowd went crazy. Now the score was 210–200. Anybody could win.

Dr. Carbles had red Jiggly dripping all over him. But he didn't care. He climbed out of the swimming pool and went right over to the microphone.

“Teachers! Students! It's time for the final round of the Brain Games,” he announced. “The car challenge!”

“Ooooooooh!” everybody oooohed.

It would all come down to this. The team that built the best car would win the Brain Games.

The weight lifters pushed the swimming pool out of the way. Then they set up a maze on the stage with walls that we would have to drive our car around. Miss Brown went behind the curtain and came back out with our car.

“We call it . . . the Death Machine!” she announced.

A few of the Dirk parents clapped politely.

Then the Dirk team went behind the curtain to get their car.

“Behold!” announced Morgan Brocklebank. “The Dirkmobile!”

What?! Their car was amazing! It was almost the size of a regular car, and it had real rubber tires, glass windows, and side-view mirrors.

“Oh, man!” said Michael. “Look at that!”

“There's no way they built that car,” said Ryan.

“I bet their parents did all the work,” said Alexia. “It's not fair.”

The audience was yelling and screaming and hooting and hollering.

“Nice car!” said Dr. Carbles. “And what do you use to power the Dirkmobile?”

“We built our own engine,” Morgan Brocklebank said into the mic. “It runs on methane.”

What?! Methane?

“And where did you get methane?” asked Dr. Carbles.

“From cow farts,” said Morgan Brocklebank. “This way, we keep harmful greenhouse gases out of the atmosphere.”

“That's very green, and creative!” said Dr. Carbles. “Next, Ella Mentry School. What did you use to power your car?”

“A pencil sharpener,” I mumbled.

“Oh, man,” Ryan said. “We are finished.”

“Our car is going to crush your pathetic car,” said Morgan Brocklebank, “and the Dirkmobile is going to change the world.”

“You should call it the Fartmobile,” said Alexia.

“Oh, snap!” said Ryan.

It was our turn to go first. I would have to steer the Death Machine through the maze of walls and then drive it over the Bridge of Love.

“Are you ready?” asked Dr. Carbles.

“Yeah,” I said, even though I wasn't really ready.

“You can do this, A.J.!” Miss Brown told me as she handed me the remote control.

I pushed the ON button. The car made a sound like a pencil sharpener and started moving forward. It was a few feet away from the first wall.

“Left, A.J., left!” everybody shouted.

It wasn't easy, but I steered the Death
Machine to the left. It was a few feet away from the next wall.

“Right, A.J., right!” everybody shouted.

I tried to steer the Death Machine to the right, but it wouldn't turn. It seemed to go wherever it wanted to go.

“I can't control it!” I shouted.

The Death Machine started moving back and forth really fast.

Then it started driving around in crazy circles!

Then it rammed into one of the walls!

The wall toppled over!

“Run for your lives!” yelled Neil.

The wall landed on top of the Dirkmobile!

“Oh no!” everybody shouted.

The Dirk team ran over to push the wall off their car. It looked like it was okay.

“That's it,” groaned Michael. “The Death Machine didn't make it over the Bridge of Love. We lose.”

It was Dirk's turn. Since their bridge
had been destroyed, Dr. Carbles said that all they needed to do was drive their car through the maze to win.

“Watch and learn from the masters,” Morgan Brocklebank told me as she picked up her remote control and pushed the ON button.

Nothing happened.

She fiddled with the remote.

“What's the matter?” asked Dr. Carbles.

“The Dirkmobile won't start,” she said. “It must have been damaged when that wall fell on it.”

“I'm sorry,” said Dr. Carbles, “but if your car won't start, you lose this round; and the winner of the Brain Games is . . . Ella Mentry School!”

“Yay! We win!” We were all jumping up and down.

“That's not fair!” shouted Morgan Brocklebank. “They cheated! A.J. ran his car into the wall on purpose!”

“I did not,” I said. “I have no control over the Death Machine.”

“You're a liar!” she shouted.

At that moment, the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened.
Morgan Brocklebank grabbed my remote control out of my hands and started pushing buttons. But she must have pushed the wrong button, because the rocket on the roof of the Death Machine fired!

It flew across the stage!

And it slammed right into the back of the Dirkmobile!

We all thought that was hilarious, until something even more amazing happened.

“What's that smell?” asked Miss Brown.

“It smells like cow farts,” said Dr. Carbles, wrinkling up his nose.

“It's methane!” shouted Morgan Brocklebank. “Your dumb rocket must have hit our fuel tank!”

“The Fartmobile could blow any second!” I shouted.

“Run for your lives!” shouted Neil.

Everybody was yelling and screaming and shrieking and hooting and hollering and freaking out as we ran out of the auditorium. Parents and kids were climbing all over each other to get out of there before the Fartmobile exploded. Somebody called 911, and by the time we
got out on the street, the fire engines had arrived.

Luckily, Dirk School didn't burn down, and nobody was hurt. As we waited for the bus to take us back to school, Miss Brown gathered us around her.

“Congratulations,” she said. “I told you we could win!”

“I'm really sorry about what happened with the Death Machine,” I said to her. “It was an accident.”

“Hey, anybody can build a car that runs on cow farts and drive it around a maze,” she replied. “It takes creativity to ram a pencil sharpener car into a wall and make the other team attack their own car with a rocket.”

Well, that's pretty much what happened at the Brain Games. I can't wait until we
leave for our trip to PizzaWorld. Until then, maybe a truck full of lightbulbs will fall on Andrea's head. Maybe Miss Brown will start walking on her feet like a normal person. Maybe the Death Machine will run over Emily again. Maybe they'll start putting rocket launchers on car roofs. Maybe I'll make up more garbage poems. Maybe Tommy will stop picking his nose. Maybe Mr. Klutz will stop calling Dr. Carbles Walrus Face. Maybe they'll have seesaw wrestling at the Brain Games next year. Maybe those Dirk dorks will build a new Fartmobile.

But it won't be easy!