Mr. Darcy and the Secret of Becoming a Gentleman (2 page)

The True Meaning of Heartache

Darcy returned to his London home carrying the same despair that had been his constant companion since his disastrous proposal at Hunsford. His lament took two distinct forms: regret over the loss of the one woman he could ever imagine loving and obsession over whether her opinion of him was justified. His mood swung from anger at Elizabeth for her shortsightedness and unwarranted cruelty to remorse and mortification over his own misdeeds and failings.

In moments of weakness, he would imagine Elizabeth regretting her decision. He would envision her mourning all that she had given up, contrite over her misjudgment of Wickham's character. His fantasy would give him temporary relief from his self-reproach, but other thoughts always intruded. He would remember that both his father and sister had also been deceived by Wickham and that he himself had trusted him far longer than he should have. These sober thoughts would ultimately remind him of Elizabeth's other criticism and the mistakes he had made. They were legion. He began to realize that, regardless of whether he would ever have Elizabeth's love or respect, he had to come to terms with his own behavior. He knew in his heart that he had not been totally honest about all that had transpired. It was true that when he initially decided to intervene in Bingley's affairs, he had misunderstood the state of Miss Bennet's regard. But when he saw Miss Bennet in London, he had nagging doubts about her reason for coming. He told himself that his subsequent inaction was designed to spare Bingley needless distress, but he also realized that it was in his own self-interest to keep Bingley away from Miss Bennet if he was going to succeed in his poorly conceived plan to put Elizabeth out of his mind. Had he remained silent simply to protect his friend, or had he deliberately sacrificed Bingley's happiness to suit his own needs? While his failure to court Elizabeth in a civil manner ultimately destroyed his chances to win her, at least he was his own victim. His actions toward Bingley were another matter, and in hindsight they now appeared enormously selfish.

Regardless of whether Elizabeth's overall criticism was warranted, he knew if he continued to ignore the damage he had caused Bingley and Miss Bennet, her reproof would ultimately be justified. Darcy therefore resolved to see Bingley to determine if he still had feelings for Miss Bennet. If he did, he would talk Bingley into returning to Netherfield. Once there, he would observe Miss Bennet to see whether she still held Bingley in high regard. If she did, he would tell Bingley of his sisters' interference and his own deception. Darcy recognized that his plan would most likely force him to face both the mortification of seeing Elizabeth again and Bingley's wrath, but he knew it was a penance he deserved. His only hope was that his interaction with Elizabeth would be brief. He toyed with the idea of telling Bingley the truth before he could ascertain whether Miss Bennet would accept Bingley's renewed addresses, but he could not help but believe it was the coward's way out. He knew the only advantage to that plan was that it would allow him to avoid returning to Netherfield. Darcy vowed that in this endeavor he would not put his own comfort before others.

To that end, Darcy went to see Bingley the day after he arrived in London. Upon his arrival in Bingley's library, his host bounded forward, smiling, to clasp Darcy's hand. For a moment, Darcy was relieved. Bingley appeared to be in his usual spirits. Perchance he had gotten over Miss Bennet after all. After some initial small talk, however, Darcy knew better. Bingley appeared listless, and as they continued to talk, Darcy noticed his inattentiveness and his underlying somber air. Bingley attempted to appear happy and engaged, but his posture showed he was actually patiently waiting for the visit to be done so he could retreat to his own thoughts once more. Given Darcy's new familiarity with heartache, he immediately understood Bingley's frame of mind. It was clear that Bingley was still in love with Miss Bennet and had most likely been suffering from his loss since their departure from Hertfordshire. After a lengthy pause in conversation, Darcy decided to address the question of Miss Bennet in a roundabout manner. Changing the subject more abruptly than he had hoped, he asked, “Bingley, last fall when we were in Hertfordshire, do you remember meeting a land agent by the name of Mr. Briggs?”

Bingley, who started at the mention of Hertfordshire, regained his composure and feebly replied, “Yes, I think I recall him.”

“Well,” continued Darcy, “he had some very interesting ideas on crop rotation. Do you remember, we talked to him about it at some length?”

“I suppose I do recall it, but not much of the particulars.”

“Well,” began Darcy cautiously, “I thought I might call on him. I have been thinking about some of his ideas for Pemberley. Have you given any thought to returning to Hertfordshire at any time in the near future? I could accompany you, and while we were there, I could speak with Briggs. It would give you an opportunity to check on Netherfield and see how the planting is going. Or, if you like, we could look in on some of your acquaintances.”

Bingley was silent for a long time. Darcy hoped he would take the bait.

Looking grave, Bingley replied in a measured tone, “Of late I have been giving the subject of Netherfield much thought, and I believe I was mistaken in taking the place. I acted too impulsively. I will not be renewing the lease, and as such, I see no reason to return. I did enjoy having it for a while, but I would prefer to just let it go. The sooner I cut the ties, the better. Darcy, maybe if you are truly intent on going there, you could do me a favor. I could make the place available to you so that you could conduct your business, and while you are there, you could see if there are any eligible purchase offers to be had.”

Darcy noted the change in Bingley's demeanor. His cheerful mask was gone and the pain that the mention of Netherfield—and, by implication, Miss Bennet—caused was evident. In an attempt to get his friend to reconsider, Darcy tentatively replied, “Well, of course, Bingley, I would be more than happy to help you, but do you not think that perhaps you have been too hasty in rejecting the place out of hand? When you were there in the fall, you seemed take pleasure in it.”

“Yes,” responded Bingley in a decisive tone that was unusual for him, “I am quite sure I do not want to return. It has taken me a great deal of time to come to the conclusion that I am better off without the place. If I returned there, it would only reopen the debate, and I would rather not go over that territory again.”

Darcy sat dumbfounded. The depth of Bingley's resistance startled him. The self-doubt that Darcy had experienced over his recent mistakes overwhelmed him, and he felt he could not trust his own judgment. He knew that he had reached a crossroad and that he had to make a decision, but he had been wrong so often lately that he no longer had any faith in his ability to choose correctly. In the end, he decided the most prudent course would be best.

After a pause, Darcy finally responded, “Certainly, Bingley. I understand. I will go there on my own then. I can handle any decisions regarding Netherfield. I will visit just long enough to see Mr. Briggs and to inquire after any purchasers. But, Bingley, do give me leave to put off the sale of the property if I believe it is in your best interest. Sometimes, in such a delicate matter as the sale of an estate, timing is everything.”

“Darcy, you know I will always defer to your judgment in such matters.”

Darcy replied in a resolute voice, “Yes, Bingley, I do.”

The rest of the afternoon was spent on much more mundane matters. Bingley agreed to send an express to Netherfield to prepare for Darcy's arrival at the end of the week. He, in turn, promised Bingley that he would see him directly upon his return. Darcy then took his leave upon learning that Bingley's sisters were expected for dinner.

During the carriage ride back to his townhouse, Darcy reflected on the events of the day. His decision to return to Netherfield seemed impetuous, but all that was left for him to do was determine if Miss Bennet's feelings for Bingley had remained unchanged. Surely, the opportunity to do so would somehow arise. Once it did, he would confess all to Bingley and force his return.

The idea of returning to Hertfordshire, where he would certainly encounter Elizabeth, filled him with dread, embarrassment, and a level of nervousness he had not thought possible. He knew how it would look, as if he were begging for her to reconsider. But it could not be helped. He would have to be careful to make it clear to her that he was not attempting to importune her any further. Hopefully their interaction could be kept to a minimum.

At the same time, he wanted to act in a manner that would make her realize she had been wrong about him. Not to win her back, but perhaps just to make her rethink her harshest judgments. If he was honest, on some level he wanted her to feel regret. Whether or not he could accept all of her criticism, he did regret his treatment of her in so many ways. It would be a small but important victory if she could at least repent some of her behavior. He therefore prepared for his trip to Hertfordshire with two avowed goals. He would attempt to repair the damage he had caused Bingley, and he would use every civility in his power to improve his reputation in the neighborhood so that Elizabeth might view him in a different light.

Back to Hertfordshire

Elizabeth returned to Hertfordshire via London, happy to be leaving behind all that had occurred in Kent. She was only truly comforted, however, when she and Jane were reunited at Longbourn. Elizabeth had longed to tell Jane of what had transpired between herself and Mr. Darcy in Kent. Her eagerness to share all with Jane, however, was tempered by her fear that once she entered the subject, she might repeat something of Bingley that would grieve her sister unnecessarily.

The ladies of Longbourn were assembled in the front parlor when they heard a rider approach. Kitty looked out the window to discover who it was.

“La!” exclaimed Kitty. “It looks just like that man that used to be with Mr. Bingley before. Mr. What's-his-name. That tall, proud man.”

“Good gracious! Mr. Darcy!—and so it does, I vow. Well, any friend of Mr. Bingley's will always be welcome here, to be sure, but else I must say that I hate the very sight of him.”

Jane looked at Elizabeth with surprise and concern. She knew the awkwardness which must attend her sister, in seeing him for the first time after receiving his explanatory letter. She also felt a bitter stab of disappointment as she realized that he had arrived without his friend. Jane's disappointment soon turned to nervousness as she apprehended that Mr. Darcy would certainly have news of Mr. Bingley, and it would probably include some intelligence as to the state of his regard for Miss Darcy. Both sisters were uncomfortable enough. Each felt for the other, and of course for themselves, and their mother talked on, of her dislike of Mr. Darcy and her resolution to be civil to him only as Mr. Bingley's friend, without being heard by either of them.

But Elizabeth had sources of uneasiness which could not be suspected by Jane, to whom she had never yet had courage to show Mr. Darcy's letter or to relate the circumstances surrounding Mr. Bingley's departure from Hertfordshire. Elizabeth sat intently at work, striving to be composed, and without daring to lift up her eyes, till anxious curiosity carried them to the face of her sister as the servant was approaching the door. Jane looked a little paler than usual, but more sedate than Elizabeth had expected.

Mr. Darcy was announced. He was so nervous, he felt almost dizzy. He had spent the ride from Netherfield debating whether he would be able to actually carry through his vow to enter Longbourn. He had arrived in Hertfordshire the previous morning but soon realized that while he had every intention of learning Miss Bennet's state of regard for Bingley, he had no plan to accomplish the task. He once again regretted his prior reserved behavior in the neighborhood. Because he had never considered the people of the area worth knowing, he had made no acquaintances upon whom he could call to gather information about Miss Bennet. Consequently, he soon came to the realization that his only option was to go to Longbourn and see for himself. He knew how it would look to Elizabeth, but he felt he had no choice. He pledged that he would show her no more attention than anyone else, so that she would understand that he was not attempting to force himself upon her. When he saw her, he wondered whether he could muster the resolve.

Upon his entrance, Elizabeth said as little as civility would allow, and sat down again to her work with an eagerness which it did not often command. She had ventured only one glance at Darcy. He returned her look, unsure of what to say, acknowledging her with a simple bow. He soon realized that while he was contemplating Elizabeth's reaction, Mrs. Bennet had been speaking to him, expressing her surprise at his appearance in Hertfordshire. He willed himself to tear his eyes from Elizabeth so that he could offer her mother a proper response.

“I have some business in the area and wanted to pay my respects for your previous civility.”

Without even attempting to make her comment believable, Mrs. Bennet told Darcy in a forced manner that he was always welcome at Longbourn, adding, “Is Mr. Bingley with you? He is quite in my debt for a dinner, and we were all surprised when he left so abruptly in the fall.”

“No, I am traveling alone, although Mr. Bingley was gracious enough to give me the use of Netherfield while in the neighborhood.” As Darcy was speaking, he looked at Miss Bennet to see how she reacted to his words. He thought he detected some discomfiture on her part but could not determine its cause.

Not wanting to let the opportunity go by, Mrs. Bennet ventured further, “And how is Mr. Bingley?”

“He is quite well, madam. Thank you.”

“Is he still in London? Does he intend to return here for the summer?”

Darcy realized he had to tread carefully so that neither Miss Bennet nor Elizabeth misconstrued his answer. He did not want to make a promise regarding Bingley that he could not keep, so he resolved to tell the truth—as much as possible. “Yes, he is in London, but he has not indicated to me that he intends to return to Hertfordshire.”

Mrs. Bennet could not hide her disappointment. “Well, I would have thought he would return. He seemed so inclined to stay. I cannot imagine why he changed his mind.” Darcy instinctively looked to Elizabeth, who returned his gaze with an icy, defiant stare.

Darcy cringed and swallowed hard. He wanted to explain the reason for his return to her but knew it was hopeless. He would have to plow forward and hope for the best. Darcy turned his attention to Mrs. Bennet, who, oblivious to the pain she was causing her eldest daughter, peevishly continued, “Perhaps he finds the charms of London more pleasant. I am sure there are many entertainments there to keep him occupied.”

Darcy saw Miss Bennet's back stiffen at her mother's comments. He could not determine if her reaction was from pure embarrassment at her mother's lack of tact or if it was in reaction to the implication that Bingley had abandoned her for another. Darcy realized he was losing control of the situation. If Miss Bennet still had feelings for Bingley, this was surely torture. He needed to learn the state of Miss Bennet's regard, but attempting to do so in such a public manner was neither desirable nor productive. Consequently, he desperately tried to think of something to say to change the subject. Once again, he regretted his taciturn nature and his lack of social skills.

To his relief, Elizabeth, who also wanted to change the subject for Jane's sake, entered into the conversation as her mother paused for breath. “Mr. Darcy, are Mr. Bingley's sisters well?”

Startled, but grateful, Darcy replied, “Yes, Miss Bennet, thank you. I did not have the opportunity to see them during my recent visit to London, but I am assured they are well.”

Seeing that her mother would quickly turn any inquiry regarding Bingley's sisters into an invitation to return to the topic of their brother, Elizabeth attempted another subject, one she thought might convey some of her regret over her misjudgment of Wickham's character and, if she was lucky, indirectly give Jane some comfort. “Is your own sister with them? I have not had the pleasure of meeting Miss Darcy, but you have spoken of her with such high regard and affection that I am sure she is quite lovely. I hope you did not have to leave her all alone while you are attending to your business.”

Feeling some of the implication of Elizabeth's words, Darcy held her eyes and smiled gratefully. “She is quite well, thank you. She is currently at study in London with her companion. She has not had the opportunity of seeing any of the Bingley family yet this year, but I hope that I will be reunited with her at Pemberley early this summer. Whenever we are apart I miss her a great deal.”

An awkward silence ensued. Darcy was taken aback by Elizabeth's mention of his sister, as it seemed implicitly to acknowledge his letter. Did this mean she believed him about Wickham? From Elizabeth's cold reception of him, it seemed clear she wanted nothing more to do with him. Maybe, though, she had accepted his information about Wickham's past dealings. He had to admit he was relieved. Mixed with his regret over her rejection was the lurking fear that she held Wickham in a special regard. Even if he could never have her, Darcy took some solace in the fact that she would never be one of Wickham's victims.

Elizabeth, in turn, was completely baffled. She could not comprehend what he was doing in Hertfordshire. Since he had not brought Bingley with him and had made it clear that Bingley had no immediate plans to return to the neighborhood, she could not believe that Darcy's return was prompted by any regret over his actions toward her sister. It seemed impossible that Darcy had come to continue their acquaintance after all that had transpired in Kent, but there seemed to be no other explanation. Luckily for them, Mrs. Bennet abhorred silence and jumped into the void. “Mr. Darcy, I did not know you had a sister. How old is she?”

Relieved to talk about a subject he felt comfortable with, Darcy explained the situation of Georgiana's guardianship and continued on to tell them of her interest in music.

Mr. Darcy had only spoken seven or eight sentences together, but it was the longest any member of the Bennet household, save Elizabeth, had heard him speak. Witnessing such apparent warmth for his sister, even Mrs. Bennet's studious dislike of him had to waver a bit. In a fit of weakness, she offered him tea and continued the discourse. “Being alone in London at such a young age must be trying for Miss Darcy. Has she much opportunity to socialize?”

“Not many opportunities, no. She is only sixteen and is not yet out.”

Exasperated by such a silly notion, Mrs. Bennet exclaimed harshly, “Sixteen is not too early to be out. My youngest, Lydia, is out, and she has received much attention.”

Seeing that a tactful respond was required, Mr. Darcy said, “I think in Georgiana's case, I would prefer for her to wait. Without a mother to guide her, she has lived a rather sheltered life.”

Basking in the oblique compliment, Mrs. Bennet replied, “Yes, I can well imagine. In any regard, Mr. Darcy, the next time you visit, you should bring her. I am sure we would all love to meet her.”

Incredulous, Elizabeth looked at her mother in disbelief. The idea of Darcy visiting again was beyond her, since she could not believe he had come in the first place. She began to feel a growing dread as she realized that she must be the reason for Darcy's visit. Worse yet, she began to worry he might do something to make his interest in her publicly known. The idea that her mother might comprehend Darcy's intentions was more than she cared to imagine.

In the meantime, Darcy thanked Mrs. Bennet for her gracious invitation. He was amazed to find himself in a situation where he appreciated Mrs. Bennet's ability to engage in meaningless small talk. The awkwardness of this visit was agony on so many levels, but he knew he could not leave without first having found some sort of opening to accomplish his avowed mission. He needed more time, and she was providing the opportunity.

Mrs. Bennet, who enjoyed both the sound of her own voice and giving advice, added, “To make amends to your sister for leaving her behind, you should be sure to bring her something from Hertfordshire as a token. Women do love such thoughtfulness.”

“Actually, I try to do just that on all of my travels.”

“Well, sir, I think you will find that the many fine shops in Meryton will be more than sufficient for your purposes.” Unable to resist the temptation, she added, “Some people think the finer things in life can only be obtained in the city. I assure you, they are grievously mistaken.”

“Yes, madam, I am sure you are correct. I typically buy my sister sheet music. Perhaps you could recommend a local establishment to me.”

Elizabeth sat in amazement. Mr. Darcy had twice now answered her mother's provocation with civility. His courtesy toward her mother demonstrated a great improvement in his manners, but his visit, in itself, showed a presumption that confirmed his arrogant nature and his disregard for her feelings. Was he attempting to force her into an alliance by involving her mother, who he well knew would forward the match on mercenary grounds? Surely, only mortification could come of this. Watching him closely, she now suspected that he was simply prolonging the visit in the hopes of gaining an opportunity to speak with her privately. She took comfort in the fact that she would resist such an attempt at all costs.

“Mr. Darcy,” her mother continued, “you do not always buy her music, do you?”

Finding her question inane but grateful for the diversion, Darcy replied, “No, I sometimes buy her books.”

Exasperated by Mr. Darcy's lack of understanding, Mrs. Bennet decided a little motherly advice was required. “Sir, while I am sure your generosity is appreciated, there are many other things a girl of sixteen would enjoy. I speak with some authority on the subject, given that I have seen five daughters through that age.”

“You may be right, but Georgiana seems to take pleasure in such things, and I could not imagine what else she would require.”

“Oh, there are many things! I am sure your sister wants for nothing given your fortune, but a girl of her age would love to receive a new bonnet or a reticule, or you could even purchase for her some fabric or lace for a new dress. I am sure she has the finest dressmakers at her disposal, but a unique fabric for a new gown is always welcome. Given that money is no object for you, the possibilities are endless.”

Embarrassed by Mrs. Bennet's excited mention of his fortune, Darcy attempted to drop the subject. “Yes, but Georgiana typically selects her own wardrobe.”

“Well, of course, but you should not underestimate the value a little direction in that regard would produce. A girl at her age is impressionable. And with no mother to help her choose from the many styles and designs, it might be difficult for her to know what best suits her. Until you have a wife to help guide her, you should take care in this regard.” Darcy colored at the mention of his future wife and could not resist a quick glance at Elizabeth to gauge her reaction to her mother's musings. Elizabeth, however, kept her gaze steadily on the floor.