My Big Fat Low-Fat Wedding (2 page)

Stretching my legs, I notice Kirsten speaking into the large device to her right. Actually, it’s more than just a device. It’s a robot and it’s the reason Oliver was just here. I assume he wanted to speak to Kirsten about it as it’s one of his products. The reason everyone seems to admire Oliver so much in this town is because he’s the top scientist at CoTechnic and his robot inventions have transformed small businesses in our little community.

I’ve been thinking about getting a robot myself to help around at the cafe, but I just can’t seem to work up the courage to meet with Oliver. He just puts me off for some unknown reason.

Kirsten’s Zumba robot sits at the front of the workout room. We’re surrounded by mirrors on all three walls while the entrance wall is one big window. Her robot, courtesy of Oliver, is a chrome model. A square three foot lump of a thing with ten inch speakers embedded into all four sides. When Kirsten starts up her Zumba jams the whole gym knows it due to the excruciating volume levels that she repeatedly has to be asked to turn down.

Thankfully, after Kirsten’s verbal instructions, the robot whirs on at a respectable volume. The music starts pumping out of the little device with glowing neon lights that pulse to the beat of the rhythm.

My own head starts to bob up and down a bit too. I’m jutting my chin forward and back to the beat of the music. Yeah! Here we go, I’m getting into the tunes now. Wow! I love Zumba Zumba class so much. If only Callum could see me now. I’m really working the dance steps as Kirsten shouts instructions from the font of the room.

“Woo! Yeah!” Some of the other class members are really joining in on the rhythm with hoots and yelps.

This is great! If the fat could visibly fly off my body it would because I’m definitely burning the lard.

“Higher, ladies!” Kirsten practically screams. “Get those knees pumping higher! That’s it, Emily! You’re doing great!”

I really am doing great, aren’t I? I feel like I’ve got endless amounts of energy tonight. Perhaps it’s because I decided to stay on a low carb diet this morning. Or maybe I’m feeling terrific because of this wonderful new sports bra I got at Evans; the plus size clothing shop. It really keeps my knockers in place. I find I’m able to do all the jumping Zumba moves that I usually avoid, due to my breasts normally bouncing right out of my bra.

I’m on a roll. I’m getting so good at this Zumba thing I honestly think I could become a certified instructor.

Bump, grind. Kick, jump. Bounce, turn and twist—

“Yeow!” I scream as my chest explodes with pain. On no! What’s happening? “My heart!” I shout. Sweat pours off my forehead and into my eyes as I lean over and press my hand to my bosom. “Someone help me! I’m having a heart attack! I’m only twenty-six years old, for fuck sake! I don’t want to die!”

***

“My chest, my chest, my chest!” I stare down the doctor. I’ve been brought to hospital but no one is helping me correctly. “I’m having a heart attack! Why haven’t you started open heart surgery on me yet?”

“Please, Miss Gillam.” The female doctor patronises me by speaking so calmly. “You’re not having a heart attack and you certainly don’t need emergency surgery.”

Grinding my teeth together I clutch harder at my squashed cleavage with my hand. I try to lean back onto the raised hospital bed, but that only makes the chest pain worse, so I sit straight up again. “Well what’s happening to me then?” I whisper pathetically.

“Your blood pressure is fine, Emily. A heart attack doesn’t last this long. Now, if you’ll let me check you over I’m sure we’ll find it’s simply trapped wind that’s bothering you a bit.”

Bothering me a bit? I’m about to explode with rage at this exotic, skinny, black-haired beauty of a doctor when Callum comes shuffling hurriedly into the hospital ward.

“Emily!” He exclaims and comes round to the side of my bed. “Are you all right?”

My lips purse. I’m trying not to cry. Finally someone shows me they’re concerned and now I feel like bursting into tears?

Feeling stupid stops the tears from flowing. Now that Callum is here I really do feel like such a pleb. My chest still hurts to the beat of my heart, but why have I been acting like such a drama queen?

“She’s fine, mister…?” The gorgeous, slender doctor woman looks at Callum.

“Callum. I’m Callum,” my equally as gorgeous fiancé (in a masculine way) doesn’t take his eyes off me. “What’s happened to you, Em?”

I look up at him, sheepishly, still clutching my chest. “I thought… I mean.” Pausing, I stiffen as a particularly painful stab wracks my inner bosom.

“Is it your chest?” Callum looks anxious and his words become frantic. “I knew it, Em! You’ve been stressing about the wedding too much. What’s happened?” Finally, he looks at the doctor. “Has she had a heart attack? Does she need open heart surgery? Why isn’t anyone helping my fiancé?”

“Sir, please calm down.”

While I’m glad to see my betrothed is ever so concerned for my well-being, he’s starting to come across just as drama-queen as I was earlier on.

“I’m fine, Callum. Really, it’s just—”

Again my words are cut off by an increased stab of pain in my chest.

“Hang on.” Callum’s concerned eyes are squinty at me. “What are you wearing, Emily?”

“I was at the Zumba Zumba tonight, honey, remember?” Strangely, he doesn’t even crack the smallest of smiles when I try to lighten the tension of the situation by saying Zumba twice. Now I know my fiancé is truly worried for me. He’s also not exactly roaming his eyes over my tight exercise top in a lusty manner, like he normally does when I wear my bosom hugging wrap shirt. “I got this new sports bra and—”

“Oh, Emily!” I’m startled when Callum leans in and shoves his hand up the back of my sweaty top.

“Callum!” I yelp. “What are you doing?” Maybe I was wrong about his roaming eyes. I hardly think this is the time for him to be groping me so wantonly though! “Oh!” I gasp with immense relief as Callum undoes the back of my sports bra. “Ooooooooh…” A longer sigh of relief follows from my released lungs.

There’s no more chest pain. I’m wonderfully free of agony inside my upper torso.

“What size sports bra have you…?” Callum pauses and I feel him messing around inside the back of my shirt. I figure he’s looking for the bra label. “Why on earth have you put on a size thirty four B cup, Em?”

Oops.

I look guiltily up at the doctor, and then at Callum when he finally pulls his hand out of my top.

Well, at least the good news is that I wasn’t having a heart attack. The chest pain was from my too small bra that was squishing the life out of my overly large breasts and poor lungs. The bad news is that I might have to pay out of pocket for wasting valuable health carer time, simply out of desperation to wear an inconceivably inappropriately sized bra in attempts at feeling smaller.

Shame on stupid me for the second time today.

***

An hour later Callum has driven me home from the hospital. Clambering out of the car, I’m surprised when my fiancé hurries round to my aid. “Let me carry you inside, honey darling,” he gushes.

Honey darling? What’s got into my lovely beau lately? “If you carry me inside at my current weight you’ll do your back in, my love.”

“Are you saying I’m not strong enough to lift you?” Callum stops me from moving forward by standing in my way. He rolls up the sleeve of his white shirt and starts flexing his —as he calls them— guns. His biceps.

I can’t help but giggle. “No, darling. I’m not saying you’re aren’t strong as ever. It’s just… I think you should wait until after the wedding to carry me across the threshold.” By then I’ll be down to a more sensible dress size. I’m not dieting and exercising my heart out for nothing these days.

“If you insist.” Callum takes my arm and guides me away from the car. I feel a bit dizzy and my footstep falters causing me to lean further into him. “I knew it. That damn sports bra is still cutting off your blood circulation, Em.”

I’d kept the too tight bra on after leaving the hospital with the hooks undone. I had no choice. There was no way on earth I was going to walk around braless with my great big knockers jiggling about.

We’re nearly at the front door of our semi-detached terraced home. “Fine.” Stopping, I wiggle around under my shirt. “I’ll take it off.”

“That’s what I like to hear.” Callum growls like an animal and stares at my chest.

“Oh stop it.” Playfully, I bump his shoulder with my own, causing my now freed-from-bra boobs to jiggle like mad.

“Oh you’ve got to be kidding me.” Turning, Callum and I see Lara heading up our driveway. “Why do engaged people have to practically do it on the street? Seriously, Em? Stripping your clothes off in the middle of the day?”

I grin stupidly at my best friend forever. Apart from Callum, Lara really is my BFF. I’ve known her since the day she moved into the house next to mine at the age of six for us both…

I found her sitting outside in her front garden singing like a magical bird. At least, that’s how my six-year-old-self had perceived her lovely voice to sound like way back then. My six-year-old-self was also a jealous self, because Lara was a skinny, black haired girl, while I was a chubby blonde awkward child who sucked her thumb until the age of nine.

Sucking said thumb, I’d waddled my way over to a six year old Lara with her magical voice and I’d told her flat out that she couldn’t sing. Simply out of spite and jealousy. I’d even said to her that she sounded like a frog. After which, pretty little raven haired Lara had risen to her feet, gracefully pranced closer to me and punched me in the face.

As I was to later realise, that punch was much deserved. As deserved as all the punchings Lara inflicted on my enemies at school who bullied me over the years about my weight. That’s how Lara and I became inseparable mates. She always defended me when I was a chubby kid. Thankfully, Lara doesn’t have to punch anyone on my behalf these days. Not only for the reason that I did lose most of my baby fat, leaving me with curves, although in my opinion much too curvy curves. The fact of the matter is though, we’re adults now and my BFF can’t just go around punching people in the face willy-nilly.

“Oh for goodness sake, Lara.” I tisk at her now. “It’s not like we’re going to have sex right here out in the open.”

“Ha!” She barks a laugh. “The way you two have been acting all loved up lately, I wouldn’t be surprised if you did!”

“You do realise any public displays of affection are entirely your fault, Lara.” Callum pulls me close. “After all, you’re the one who introduced us.”

“What an awful mistake that was for the inner contents of my stomach.” Lara beams a big horrible grin.

It’s true though. Lara introduced me to Calum at college when we were all sixteen years of age. It was love at first sight. Well, who wouldn’t fall in instant love with the boy who every girl on campus desired? Callum works out. He’s always worked out and when he flexes his “guns” he means business. His biceps make me swoon, instantly activating my libido every time he shows them off.

“Come on now.” Lara looks at the time on her phone. “We’re going to be late for your fitting.”

Oh shit stains, I completely forgot I was supposed to try on bridal dresses at Lara’s shop tonight. I suppose that’s what happens when a certain sports bra squeezes the life out of your bosom and nearly gives one a heart attack.

“I think Emily needs to rest tonight, Lara.” Callum looks worriedly at me. “She just been to hospital because her chest—”

“And!” I blurt, cutting him off. “That’s not a big deal really!”

Lara frowns. “We’re you really at hospital, you daft cow?”

See, this is why I didn’t want Lara to know I was indeed at hospital. She’s always been quite over protective of me, but she’s also my harshest critic. She means well though, even if she blatantly calls me a hypochondriac at times.

“Let’s just go, I’ll be fine.” Pulling quickly out of Callum’s embrace, I move toward the pavement. My braless breasts start wobbling and I think better of it. “Right after I change.” Instead of walking away with Lara, I wrap my arms around my wayward bosoms and head into the house. If I’m going to be putting on another bra tonight I’m definitely going to make sure it’s a properly fitting one.

***

Lara has brought me to her bridal shop in the Greater Malvern shopping area up town. The moment we walk through the glass doors my vision is enveloped in pale gossamer.