My Big Fat Low-Fat Wedding (7 page)

Sure enough, the man gyrates his way onto the dance floor. When he gets close enough to me the first thing he does is to swirl his groin directly at my face.

I shut my eyes, then peek them back open when nothing else happens for a few seconds.

Riiiiiiiip.

The stripper peels his dinner jacket, shirt and tie off in one go. If I thought the lady-howling from before was loud, it’s nothing compared to the screaming of lust that’s now echoing throughout the party chamber.

I feel like I’m in that film Magic Mike. Except, unlike the women in that movie, I’m definitely not enjoying myself!

The stripper keeps his bowler hat low, so I can’t see his face under all this darkened shadow. This is a good thing, I don’t want to accidentally make eye contact with a man who is once again gyrating his crotch at my face.

There’s another tearing sound and suddenly the stripper guy isn’t wearing trousers any longer. There’s nothing but a thong between my face and his bulging bits as he straddles the chair I’m sitting on.

Lower he grinds towards me. His package bumps down past my sticky-outy boobs. I’m wincing and shoving my head back at the neck. I’ve got my head turned to the side and I’m concentrating on the looks on my friends faces as they hoot and slobber at the sidelines of the dance floor.

When pump-and-grind boy finally sits onto my lap, I’ve had enough. I’m feeling guilty enough about Callum finding out about this fiasco as it is! There’s no way I’m going to let a complete stranger continue to dry hump me in front of everyone I know! Even despite how ripped his abs might be.

Placing my hands onto the strippers shoulders, I’m briefly distracted by the corded muscle.

Stop it, Emily! Concentrate.

And I do. I snap back into the reality of the awkward situation. “I’m sorry!” I shout into his ear over the beat of the cheesy music. For a moment I’m wondering which seventies porn movie they snatched this tune from, but that’s not really my main concern at the moment. “I’m going to have to ask you to please get off of me!”

When I shout this to the oiled up man on my lap, I use one of my hands to tip up his hat.

“Oh for fuck sake! Ben?”

And that’s all it takes. In a flash of recognition the strippers hat flies off his head as he pushes himself directly off my lap.

The music stops abruptly and there’s dead silence all around. Murmurs pour through the crowd of ladies who are wondering what’s going on.

“Oh shit.” My former stripper man mumbles and covers his face with one hand, while covering his lower bulge with the other. “What the hell are you doing here, Emily?”

I for one am not wondering at all what’s going on, because the mostly naked man standing before me is none other than my cousin Nicola’s paramedic, ambulance driving, boyfriend Ben.

***

Ben had run “off stage” without finishing his strip tease routine. Lara and I are once again sat in a taxi. “I am so incredibly sorry, Em.” She mumbles drunkenly.

“It’s okay, you couldn’t have known my cousin Nicola’s boyfriend was a stripper.” Finding this information out the way I had, moments ago at the night club, sure has sobered me up quite a bit.

“No! I definitely didn’t think you’d know the guy!”

I’m not accusing Lara of anything and the rest of the journey home is carried out in silence. When we arrive back at my terraced home Lara helps me carry all my newly acquired sex gear inside.

“I really did have a lovely time, Lolz.” I reassure her as she’s about to leave.

“You were right though,” she looks drunkenly at me. “I shouldn’t have thrown you a hen do at all.”

“Don’t be silly.” We air kiss each other goodnight and she leaves through the door. “Although!” I shout to her. “Maybe your next friend who gets engaged should only have a bridal shower!”

Lara laughs, wobbles tipsily to the awaiting taxi and hops inside. As the cab pulls away from the curb I shut the door and walk past all the gifts I’ve left in the entrance hall. Making my way upstairs I start to pull off my too tight hen do t-shirt. It takes me ages and I get a cramp under my shoulder, but eventually I manage to get the thing off without having to cut it in half with scissors.

When I’m completely naked and my exposed skin hangs as relaxed as it naturally should do, I hop into bed next to my already sleeping fiancé. I spoon his body from behind and my hand comes into contact with his taught abs. I smile to myself, knowing he’s slightly awake as he always tenses his tummy muscles when I start-a-groping.

Come to think of it, this is the exact reason I didn’t need or want a hen do in the first place. I’ve got my perfectly fit man right here, complete with rippling abs muscles like the waiters at the night club.

And also like the abs of my cousin’s boyfriend.

As I drift off to sleep I’m hoping I dream about the right muscular structures tonight. The corded muscles that belong to my betrothed and not those of Ben’s.

Chapter 5

Oh incredible hangover, that is me this morning. My head throbs. My tummy is illin.

“I’m guessing someone had a good time last night.” Callum kisses me on the forehead. He’s leaning over the bed I’m lying in, having just gotten out of the shower. He smells of clean soap and aftershave, which is a scent on him I usually enjoy, right now though every smell in existence makes me want to puke.

“I had an okay time.” I admit. What I’m not about to admit to is the bit during the evening that ensured the good times did not extend beyond 11pm.

“Judging by these, I’d say we’re going to be having a very good time every night from now on.”

Cracking open an eye I’m startled enough by the object Callum is holding in his hands to attempt sitting up. I decide I’m not stupid enough to inflict more pain on my head, so I continue to lie on my front instead.

He already went through my bridal gifts downstairs. “Those are for after the wedding, honey bunches.”

“Oh.” Callum places the rubbery sex device onto the bedside table. “Damn.”

“Don’t be too depressed, my love.” I mumble into my pillow. “It’s not like I’m in the best state for trying out devices that I don’t even dare to look at.” Some of the sex toys I’d received are scary big!

“Well I guess you’d better get some rest today.” Callum has gotten dressed into his usual button down white shirt and black trousers. “I’ve already phoned Anika at the cafe and she said her and Fiona will take care of things just fine on their own.”

Ah Fiona. My part time assistant. I think I do deserve a day off. I’m starting to think all this wedding stuff is really getting to me.

“Wow.” I blurt. “Do you realise what this means, honey?”

Callum looks down at me questioningly.

“It means I’m going to take my first day off in two years.”

My fiancé smiles. “You deserve a rest, my darling. You’ve done a fantastic job since opening your own cafe two years ago to the day.” He walks out of the bedroom after that, leaving me to my hangover and ponderous thoughts.

I didn’t even realise today really is the second anniversary of the day I opened my cafe, which I’d hastily named after myself. Well, I certainly never pictured myself celebrating by taking the day off for the anniversary of Emily’s Cafe. I don’t really know what’s got into me lately. It feels strange how the worry of our wedding seems to have changed so much about the outlook of my life.

Oh well, if I’m going to take a day off then I might as well do it right. For me this means making myself do the opposite of what I normally do. On a regular day I’m running amok like a busy bee. Today, however, I’m hangover girl who doesn’t have any qualms about staying in bed. Regardless of the fact that I know I’ll have a whole days’ worth of tasks to do tomorrow. For now though, sleep is the only subconscious errand I’m going to metaphorically run.

As soon as I close my eyes I drift back into sleep.

***

When I next wake the light in the room looks dim. “What the…?” Grabbing my phone off the bedside table, I look at the time. “Nine o’clock? Callum?” I shout. “You let me sleep all day?”

My fiancé comes running into the room. “What’s the matter?” He looks worried as he sits down next to me on the bed.

“It’s nine o’clock at night.”

“I know right!” He pecks me on the cheek with his lips. “You slept like someone in a coma.”

My mouth drops open in astonishment. “Cal, I could have actually been in a coma for all you know!”

Rising to his feet my fiancé heads towards the closet, getting undressed along the way. “Well, if you were in a coma you certainly needed the rest.”

“Not that much rest!” Quickly, I jump out of bed. My head is clear enough for me to realise I should never have been so lazy. “I’ve been lying there like a blob for over twenty four hours.” I indicate the bed with a pointed finger. “Do you want me to turn into one of those obese people who can’t get out of bed?”

Callum frowns at me. “I don’t know, babe. Shall I start force feeding you meals in bed and we’ll find out?”

“Oh you!” I throw a pillow at him. He catches it and laughs. Pushing my way past him I dig out my oversized workout clothes from the wardrobe.

“You’re getting dressed now? But it’s nearly bed time, my darling.” My affianced pushes up against me. “Actually, come to think of it, I think you need another twenty four hours in bed with me.”

I can’t help giggling because Callum is saying all of this into my neck as he nuzzles me. But no! I must retain some resolve lest I explode with chub. Pushing him away, I stab my legs into hurriedly into my yoga pants. “I need to work out every day, Cal. The wedding is just weeks away!”

He shakes his head. “Are you sure you should go to the gym after lying in bed all day?”

I snort a laugh. “That’s exactly why I need to go to the gym!”

And that’s that. I’m a woman obsessed. The old me is back after just one day of slacking off. What was I thinking taking the day off work just because I had a hangover? Okay, so it was the worst hangover I can ever remember having experienced in my entire life, but that’s still no excuse!

As I enter the car parked in the driveway I’m determined to sweat off all the lazy fat that’s surely built up under my skin from lying around for such a long time. While I’m driving up the road I’m tempted to phone up Brenda. I’m so angry at myself for being such a slacker that I’m tempted to take one of her classes at the Meli Spa.

But no. There’s no way I’d be able to walk through the doors of the spa where I was almost electrocuted to death. So I’m heading to the Splash gym instead.

When I arrive I head straight into Kirsten’s late night Zumba class. I hear familiar pumping music and I spot Stevie in the corner of the mirror-walled room.

“Emily!” Kirsten screeches over the loud music coming from the robot. “Ssshhh!” She starts punching buttons on Stevie’s bot face. The music its kicking out suddenly cuts off.

“How can you use that thing after it nearly killed me, Kirsten?”

The girl runs toward me. “Stevie is fixed now, Emily! I swear!”

Shaking my head I start to back out of the exercise room. “It doesn’t matter… I… I was going to take a bike shred class tonight instead anyway.” I wasn’t really, but I don’t want to hurt Kirsten’s feelings by telling her that I just don’t trust her bot.

“Are you sure?” She frowns at me. “Oliver totally fixed my robot and he promised it won’t malfunction again.”

“Don’t worry about it, hun.” I reassure her with a smile as I head out the door. Just be for I leave arse-first through the exit I can’t help glancing Stevie’s way. I swear the chrome robot scowls at me when all of its glowing lights turn a menacing shade of red as I depart.

***

Heading towards the massive open plan gym equipment area, I find twenty (or so) stationary exercise bikes all facing each other in a circular set-up. There are a few men and women around wearing lycra who are stretching and warming up, which of course is a must before working out. Therefore, after dropping my gym bag next to an exercise bike —and calling dibs on it— I too begin stretching and warming up my muscles.

“All right everyone!” A woman shouts and I turn in time to see a very muscly brunette heading towards us. “I’m Donna and we’re about to get started,” she bellows and hops onto one of the cycles. I watch for a moment as women either slightly smaller or the same size as me all hop onto various bikes. I don’t feel too uncomfortable in the presence of others who are trying just as hard as I am to lose weight.