My Body-His (29 page)

“
What does it look like?”

“
It looks like a photo album, obviously. It was
sitting out on the counter. Are these pictures of your
models?”

“
Please put it back in the office, Jane.” The
tone in his voice changed and I knew I was treading
dangerously.

“
What about trust and not keeping secrets? Is
that just on my end?”

“
Look at it then if you must but then put it
back. I don’t want to talk about it after you’re done.”

I didn’t need to turn the pages because every picture
remained engraved in my memory. I went through the motions of
seeing the pictures for the first time. I asked him each girl’s
name, even though I already knew them from matching them up with
the files. When he said, “Janice,” the tone of his voice became
dark and ominous. Janice already worried me the most because only
her picture hung in his office.

“
Tell me about Janice,” I said. I knew I was
pushing where I should’ve left well enough alone but even though we
were getting married, jealousy still lurked beneath the
surface.

“
I have no interest in talking about old
girlfriends, Jane. They’re in the past, and you’re my future.
That’s all you need to know.”

“
You have Janice hanging on the wall of your
office. There are more pictures of her than anyone else on your
website AND she’s in your photo album. I think it’s more than
reasonable for me to be curious about her.”

“
BUT Jane, I have no interest in talking about
her. She is dead to me.”

“
Dead to you? That’s such a load of bullshit.
You do not hang a picture of someone who’s dead to you. What
gives?”

“
Nothing gives. Just leave it alone. She’s gone
and in the past. She’s nothing for you to worry about. Now give me
the damn phone and let’s call your mother.”

I wanted to ask about the empty pages in the back of
the book but I acquiesced because what else could I do? I couldn’t
make him talk to me. Plus, he offered to deal with my mother, which
made me unbelievably grateful. I walked the photo album back to the
office and climbed back into bed with him.

“
Here,” I said, handing him the
phone.

“
Jane, before I call your mom I want to say
this: I am marrying you. I’ve chosen to make a life with you. Don’t
waste your time on my past. I don’t. I will not hang Janice’s photo
in our new house—just pictures of you and us.” Something shifted
and the energy change in the room became palpable. He said, “Do not
bring up Janice again.” His tone chilled and bewildered
me.

I wanted to know about this person who’d had such a
noticeable impact on him. I had to learn the truth about what had
happened between them. I wondered if I could find her somehow and
hear her story. I had to assume because of all the pictures that
she had been with Luke the longest. I also knew what that meant:
she had gone the farthest. Her boundaries and lines of demarcation
had been pushed the deepest. I hated her. I hated how her name
impacted Luke. I wanted to smash her picture hanging on the office
wall.

Luke brought my attention back as he placed the phone
on speaker and I could hear it ringing.

“
Hello? Who’s calling at this time of night?”
my mother said in her usual annoyed voice.

“
Hi, Jacqueline, it's Luke.”

“
Oh Luke, why didn’t you say so?” Her voice
immediately changed. She had switched to her sweet
persona.

“
Jane and I have some news to tell you. She’s
been a bad girl and has put off this call so I decided that we
should call you together. Say hi, Jane.”

“
Hi, Mother,” I said.

“
Hi, Jane. What is this about?”

Luke answered for me. “Jane and I are getting married
in a couple of weeks and we want to make sure you’ll be there.”

“
Married? Where is this happening? What about
all the planning? That doesn’t leave a lot of time.”

“
Jack, there’s nothing for you to worry about.
I’ve taken care of all the details.” I cringed when he called her
Jack. That’s the name my father used to have for her. Luke
continued, “Janey and I are moving in less than a week to a house
on the beach and that’s where the wedding will take
place.”

“
Who will be there because I won’t come
if—”

“
Jane’s father will not be present for the
wedding so you have nothing to worry about. Can we count on you
attending?”

“
Of course I’ll be there. Jane?”

“
Yes, Mother,” I said.

“
Have you found a dress yet because I know of
a
place—”

“
There’s no need for a dress,” Luke broke in.
“Janey will be naked at the wedding. She was sure you wouldn’t come
and that’s why she’s put off this call. I, on the other hand, know
you’ll decide to be supportive of your daughter’s choices and come
regardless of her lack of attire.”

A long pause ensued and I realized I was holding my
breath. I couldn’t be sure which way I wanted it to go. If she
didn’t come, then one fewer person—the person who would be most
shocked to see me married naked—would be elsewhere. On the other
hand, even with all the fighting my mother and I did, I had always
pictured her being a part of my big day.

I knew she was sitting there on the couch in her
condo deciding which way she wanted to go. She could make a big
stink and not come to the wedding or she could buy into Luke’s
attempt to manipulate her.

After what seemed like a decade she said, “Why does
Jane have to be naked for the wedding?”

“
Because I want it that way and she has agreed.
You can choose to come and be a support for Jane or not. Either
way, it’s up to you.”

Luke played her like a violin. He gave her the power
to choose but denied her the power to influence the outcome. I
began to find the process amusing. It felt more like a chess match
than my life in the balance. I waited to hear my mother’s next
move.

“
What if it’s chilly out or her friends don’t
like it?” she said.

“
I get to worry about all the details. All you
have to do is show up and be the kind, supportive mother you
already are.”

Could he blow any more smoke up her skirt? Jeez. The
load of crap was getting thick in there.

She aimed her next move at me. “Jane?”

“
Yes, Mother,” I said.

“
Are you okay with this? The Jane I know
doesn’t care for being naked and would never consider it around a
group of people. What happened to the wedding you have been
planning for years?”

“
Yes, Mom, I’m okay with it. If you can’t
handle it, then I understand.”

“
And give you a chance to invite your father? I
don’t think so. I will be there but don’t expect me to be thrilled
to see you go down the aisle in nothing other than what God gave
you.”

“
Jacqueline, I knew you wouldn’t let us down.
Janey will call you with all the details in a few days.”

“
How you handle my mother is truly brilliant,”
I said to Luke after he disconnected the call.

“
I can already tell I’ll have to talk with her
on the wedding day or she might try to make it miserable for you.
Trust that I won’t let that happen.”

“
I do,” I said.

“
Your turn. Call Sandy and get it over
with.”

I sat there on the bed listening to the phone ring. I
hoped she wouldn’t answer so I could procrastinate a while longer.
The prospect of telling Sandy loomed almost as large as telling my
mother, because she knew me so well in college. She knew the issues
I had with my body. She understood how I struggled to be
comfortable with men seeing me naked in the light. She would be the
only one there to truly know how far I’d come. Not that she would
see it that way. She would see how far I had moved away from
myself, from the person I had previously been. She was the keeper
of the old me.

“
Jason here, who’s calling?”

“
Hi Jason, its Jane.”

“
Oh, Jane, hold on a sec and I’ll get Sandy.
Congrats by the way. I’m very excited to hear you’re writing a
book. I’d love to hear about it. Here’s Sandy.”

I heard the shuffling of the phone and then she said,
“What’s up, girl?”

“
I need to tell you something about the
wedding. You might want to sit down.”

“
Sit down? Just spit it out. What is
it?”

“
First off,” I said. I thought of it in the
moment and decided my course of action. “I would love for you to be
my maid of honor.” I looked over at Luke and he gifted me a big
smile.

“
Yay, of course yes. That will be fun. Tell me
what you need me to do. Will I need to help with your train or find
you a garter or—”

“
That brings me to the second thing,” I said,
cutting her off.

“
Okay,” she said.

“
I won’t be needing a garter—or a dress, for
that matter.”

“
Oh. So, what will you be wearing?”

“
Nothing.”

“
Nothing? What does that mean, nothing? Is this
a joke?”

“
No joke. I’ll be naked at my wedding. I know
you think it’s strange but please just say you’ll be
there.”

“
Jane, I don’t get this. This isn’t you. You
always wanted an ivory dress for your wedding, right? I mean, I’m
having trouble taking this in. Hang on a sec.”

I heard muffled voices and knew she was covering the
receiver. I did the same and told Luke, “This isn’t going
well.”

“
Give her a chance to accept it. She’ll
probably tell you that she needs to think about it. It’s
understandable.”

“
Jane?” she said.

“
I’m here,” I said.

“
Can I call you tomorrow or the next day? I
need time.”

“
Okay.” I couldn’t think of anything else to
say. I hung up the phone. “Well, that didn’t go well. Pretty much
as expected.”

“
It’ll be fine. Jason will talk some sense into
her,” Luke said.

I sat on the bed, my shoulders down, feeling
defeated. I needed Sandy to be there.

Luke scooped me up into his arms and cradled me to
him. “Trust me, love. It’s all going to work out.”

* * * *

The days flew by and before I knew it only a day
separated me from matrimony. Luke and I didn’t discuss the wedding.
He said he had it all taken care of and I trusted that he did. I
spent my days exercising and writing. The movers transitioned us
from our apartment to the new house within one day. Luke worked on
his new office/studio space and I set up my new writing room. I
enjoyed the freedom and joy of the days leading up to the wedding.
Luke found no reason to discipline me and our lovemaking sessions
became more normal rather than exotic encounters from the strange
world of bondage and discipline.

“
Luke,” I called out. “Come see my new writing
room.”

“
I’m busy hanging up my favorite tools for your
discipline,” he said, chuckling from his studio office. “You should
come in here and see.”

“
Luke!” I said. I knew I was
whining.

“
Is that bottom lip of yours sticking out?” he
said as he entered my room. “I thought so.” He came at me in two
long strides, capturing my bottom lip with his teeth. “Yum,” he
mumbled as he sucked my lip into his mouth.

“
Hey,” I said, giggling. I pushed him off of
me. “Look around, please, and tell me what you think.”

“
I think we need to christen your new desk
right away.”

“
Come on, Luke, I’m serious,” I said as he
closed the distance between us and lifted me onto the
desk.

“
So am I,” he said, his intention already
evident in his jeans.

“
I can see that now,” I said, looking
down.

He leaned into me, still fully clothed, and ruled my
mouth with his tongue. He pushed his hard cock in between my legs,
letting me know what would be taking me shortly.

“
I should discipline you for distracting me
from my unpacking,” he said as he stood up to remove his button fly
jeans.

I hopped off the desk and leaned over it, presenting
my ass for him.

“
Don’t think I won’t take advantage of that
position.” He pinned me to the desk, spreading my arms out in front
of me. “Such a naughty girl you are,” he said, spreading my legs
and using his other hand to ease his cock into me from
behind.

I felt stretched wide and pulled forward. I turned to
look at him and he regained his pursuit of my mouth. Each
penetrating stroke of his erection pushed me hard against the edge
of the desk.

He broke off his kiss and let go of my arms. “Jane,
stroke your clit for me so we can cum together.”

I snaked my right hand underneath me and slowly
circled my pussy, covering my clitoris with my wetness. My
carnality grew from the point of my arousal and trailed out past my
nipples, which Luke now held clamped between his fingers. He rubbed
them back and forth, causing pleasure to shoot out and encompass my
whole body. Luke’s invasion penetrated me so deeply and fully that
I could feel him hit against my uterus.