My Heart and Other Black Holes (13 page)

“Why do you care what I do?” I motion for Roman to come take a seat at the kitchen table. “Can I get you anything to drink?”

As I watch his eyes scan the room, I want to put my hands over them and lead him out of our house before he can see anything else. “My mom works,” I say, trying to come up with any excuse for why the house is a mess.

“Yeah, she works down at Swift Mart,” Georgia adds, skipping into the kitchen. “Six days a week, poor woman.”

Poor woman?
There are worse things in Mom’s life than the fact that she works at Swift Mart. Try: Her first husband is a convicted murderer. Or: Her firstborn daughter is a depressed freak.

“Don’t you have somewhere to be? Cheer practice or something?” I ask, opening the refrigerator. Roman didn’t answer if he wanted something to drink, but I’m going to give him orange juice anyway. I pour it and put the glass down in front of him.

“Thanks,” he says absently. His mind is elsewhere. I notice the glass is foggy with dust. Gross. Sometimes it takes watching someone else observe how you live to realize exactly how you live.

Georgia takes a seat next to him. “I don’t have cheer practice today. I was thinking that I might tag along with you guys.”

I try not to gape at her.
What?
“Um, but it’s for a physics project.”

She turns to Roman. “Are you working on the physics project?”

He gives me a slight smile before he says, “Nope. I just like the zoo. The sense of adventure, the animals.”

She props her elbows up on the table and grins at me. “I like the zoo, too. And I’m all about adventures.”

The doorbell rings again and I walk to the front hallway and open the door. Tyler Bowen is standing on the doorstep, his hands shoved in his pockets, wearing a white baseball cap that shades his blue eyes. “Hey, Aysel.”

“Want to come in for a second?”

He shrugs. “Sure.” He follows me into the kitchen.

“Tyler!” Georgia springs up from her seat. She darts over to him and gives him a hug.

He returns her hug, squeezing and lifting her off the ground. She giggles, and Roman and I exchange a what-the-hell look.

“What’s up?” Tyler says, and I’m not sure if he’s asking the entire group, but only Georgia answers.

“I just asked if I could go to the zoo with you guys.” She gives Tyler a pleading look, like he can be the tiebreaker
between my adamant no and Roman’s indifference.

“I didn’t know you two hung out,” Tyler says to Georgia in a completely serious voice. Now I almost want to give Tyler a hug myself.

“I think Georgia should come,” Roman volunteers. And now he’s apparently switched his vote from indifferent to yes.

“I’m Tyler, by the way,” Tyler says, sticking his hand out to greet Roman. “And you are?”

“Roman.” He grips Tyler’s hand. Firm.
Way to go, FrozenRobot.
“I’m a friend of Aysel’s.”

Tyler tries to hide his shock, but it’s obvious to everyone what he’s thinking. It’s the same thing any of my classmates would think if they saw Roman and me out of context—a good-looking basketball player and the dark girl from school with the murderous father. I guess everyone sees us out of context, though.

“They met at a playground in Willis,” Georgia interjects, beaming at Roman.

“I see,” Tyler says. “Well, should we get going, since the animals are sleepy later in the day? We need photographs of them moving, right?”

“Are you driving?” Georgia asks.

“Yeah,” Tyler says, dangling his keys in the air. “We can all fit in my car.”

“I call the front seat!” Georgia says, jumping to her feet.

I run upstairs to our bedroom and dig through my
backpack to find the camera I borrowed from the school library. I find it and put it into a smaller purse I borrow from Georgia’s closet. It’s baby blue, shaped like a seashell, and made of fake leather. It’s not something I would buy in a million years, but it fits the camera perfectly, and who cares about the stupid color. Fashion is the least of my concerns right now.

I sit on the bedroom floor and take a couple of deep breaths, humming Mozart’s requiem, mentally preparing myself for what’s about to happen. Just as I’m about to head back downstairs, I hear a shuffling behind me.

“Today is going to be interesting,” Roman says.
Way to follow me upstairs without an invitation, FrozenRobot.

“You’re telling me. I don’t get why you wanted to come in the first place,” I say.

He holds out his hand and helps pull me up from the floor. “Don’t lie, you’re now real glad I decided to come or else you’d have to suffer through the Tyler-Georgia show all by yourself.”

“You’re the one who told her she could come,” I mumble as we walk down the stairs.

“It’s better this way.” He opens the front door for me.

I grab my jacket off the coat hook and pull the house keys out of the pocket and lock the door. “I doubt it.”

“It is,” he says. “Trust me.”

The air outside is crisp and the sky is clear and you can
smell spring’s moist, floral scent in the air. It’s a perfect day for the zoo. As we walk toward the car, I look up at Roman. I don’t know if it’s trust I feel for him. I guess I have to trust that he’s going to jump when I do, not that it really matters as long as I go. I know that’s an awful thing to think, but that’s one thing where the trolls on the internet are maybe right: It’s a selfish act. It’s all about you, which is what makes the Suicide Partner thing so weird.

You only need your partner. Until you don’t.

SATURDAY, MARCH 23

15 days left

W
e arrive at the zoo after about two hours of driving. The drive wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be—everyone was pretty quiet, we spent most of the time listening to Georgia hum along with the radio. Occasionally, Tyler would ask her a question and she’d answer him in her animated-Georgia way.

She interrogated Roman and he handled it pretty well. She all but asked him if we were dating and he managed to keep her guessing. Having met his mom, I’d bet he’s had a lot of practice at answering rapid-fire questions.

Tyler parks the car and the four of us make our way to
the entrance. We wait in line to buy tickets. There’s an awkward moment when I can tell Tyler is considering buying Georgia’s ticket for her, but then he’d feel obligated to buy mine, and let’s face it: Tyler Bowen doesn’t want to waste his money on me.

Roman shoulders past me and hands the woman working at the counter a wad of cash. “Four student tickets, please.”

“Roman,” Georgia says in fake outrage. “You don’t have to do that.”

“Seriously, dude,” Tyler says. “I can pay for my own ticket. It’s no problem.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Roman flashes me a smile. The woman at the counter counts out his change and hands it back to him. I notice that her hands look much older than her face. I look down at my own and don’t know if I feel happy or sad that I’ll never see them wrinkled.

Once we’re inside the zoo, I whisper to Roman, “What was that?”

He shrugs. “You can’t take your money with you.”

Tyler raises his eyebrows when he sees me leaning in to Roman’s ear. “I didn’t know you were turning our science project into your personal date.”

Georgia loops her arm through Tyler’s. “That’s why I came along, Ty. Now, you won’t feel so left out.”

He pets Georgia’s arm as he turns his attention to me. “The zoo was your idea, Aysel. Where should we go?”

“Why don’t we go to the nocturnal house? We can photograph the bats. They hang upside down. Potential energy.”

“Right. Bats are like living hangmen,” Tyler says, an edge to his voice. Roman and Georgia give Tyler questioning looks, and I do my best to also act confused. Which turns out to be pretty easy since bats are nothing like living hangmen, but now doesn’t seem like the appropriate time to push the subject with Tyler.

“It’s this way,” I say, and dart ahead of the group. I basically have the Louisville Zoo memorized. When I was younger, Mom used to take me here on the weekends a lot. She thought it was good for me to have alone time with her. She gave up on that when I was about eight since Georgia was getting older and Mike was a handful of a toddler. She’d never admit it, but she was busy building her new family and happy to leave me to my father. It took him finally snapping for her to really notice me again. And no one wants to be noticed because of something like that; it’s like being an invasive species that no one pays any attention to until you’ve strangled and ruined all the beautiful native plants.

The inside of the nocturnal house is how I remember it. It’s dark and smells like rotting fruits and vegetables. I hear Georgia giggling behind me, which must mean the group managed to keep up with my quick pace. I rush past the cages of opossums and raccoons and find the vampire bats. When I reach the exhibit, I see the bats hanging from the ceiling, their
black, leathery wings wrapped around their bodies.

Roman comes up behind me and puts his hand on my shoulder. I jump.

“It’s just me,” he says.

“I know.”
And that’s exactly why I’m skittish.
I pull the camera out of the purse.

“Thanks for asking if you could borrow my purse,” Georgia says.

“You should really keep your voice down,” I say. “You don’t want to scare the animals.”

Georgia glares at me and she curls her upper lip, her white teeth glinting in the dark room. “That’s funny. You telling someone else not to be scary.”

“Georgia,” Tyler hisses at her.

“What?” she says as she tosses her head back. Her barb lingers in the air like smoke from a bonfire.

“Uh,” Roman says, shifting his weight from his right foot to his left. “How about we just let Aysel take the photo?”

“Fine,” Georgia says. “Let’s leave her to it. Wanna go see the armadillos? They’re so cute!”

“Sure. Whatever you want,” Roman says, and they head down the hall.

I turn the camera on and look through the viewfinder. I snap a few photos and then scroll through the images. “Here,” I say, holding the camera out to Tyler. “I think this is a good one.”

“Yeah, I think Mr. Scott will like it,” Tyler answers.

Too bad I won’t be around to see his reaction.
I shove the camera back into my purse. “So should we go meet them by the armadillos?”

“She just wants to be your friend, you know,” Tyler says.

I close the purse with so much force that I almost break the zipper. “Um. I don’t think so.”

“Yes, she does. That’s why she came today.”

“Right.”

“It’s pretty obvious.” I give him a blank stare and he continues, “She’s always trying to get your attention, trying to make you laugh. She’s not so bad, you know?”

As we walk down the dark hallway in search of the armadillos, I consider what Tyler said about Georgia wanting to be my friend. I’m pretty sure it’s complete bullshit. Georgia came to try to cozy up to Tyler. Dating Tyler Bowen would skyrocket her social standing: freshman cheerleader dates junior basketball player. It’s like an awful teen movie. “I think you’re wrong about the reason she came today,” I say. “It’s not me. It’s you.”

As we approach the armadillos, I see Roman and Georgia standing right next to each other, pressed up against the glass. They’re peering at the animals and laughing like they’re old friends.

“I’m not so sure I’m the one she’s interested in.” Tyler gives my shoulder a nudge.

I roll my eyes at him. “She can have Roman.” I don’t say,
But good luck with that because he’ll be dead in a few weeks
.

Roman grins when he sees us. “Where to next?”

“The lions?” I suggest. “I think they feed them around noon. If we hurry, I can get a shot of them eating.”

“I’m really thirsty,” Georgia says. She turns to Roman. “Want to go with me to get a lemonade?”

Roman looks at me and I shrug. “You can meet us by the lions.”

“I’m actually thirsty,” Tyler says. “I’ll go with you.”

Georgia slightly frowns. “Oh, okay.”

“Then I’ll go with Aysel,” says Roman, and he walks over to stand beside me. “We’ll catch up with you guys soon.”

Once Georgia and Tyler are gone, I say, “Aw, you missed your chance to make out with Georgia by the concession stand!”

“I thought you promised you were going to stop making stupid jokes.”

I give him my you-caught-me face. We leave the nocturnal house and head toward the lions. When we get outside, I notice that the sky has darkened and the sun is hiding behind some scary-looking rain clouds. I tuck my hands into the pockets of my jacket and run my fingers over the fleece lining. “That wasn’t a joke. I’m pretty sure she wants to eat your face.”

“The two of you are nothing alike. What’s up with that?”

I stare straight ahead, not making eye contact with him. “We don’t have the same dad.”

“Yeah, you said she was your half sister, but still. She’s like a lion and you’re like . . . an armadillo.”

“An armadillo?”

He touches my shoulder. “You know what I’m trying to say.”

“My dad.” I give him a hard look, hoping he’ll drop the subject. “I don’t expect you to understand, but he makes all the difference.”

We reach the lions. Only three of them are visible, and it doesn’t look like they’re eating. Damn. We must have missed feeding time. The male lion is lounging on a large rock and the two females are huddled together in the opposite corner of the fenced enclosure. The male lion opens his mouth to yawn and a little kid near us jumps up and down with excitement. Another kid, who’s apparently not as brave, tucks himself into his mom. I reach for my camera and wish I’d had it out in time to capture the moment.

“Where’s your dad now?” Roman asks.

The answer to Roman’s question is state prison. As far as I know, my dad’s locked up in some podunk town, miles and miles away from me.

“Away. Gone,” I say, and snap a few photos of the lions. Maybe one of them will be usable. “Just drop it, okay?”

Roman reaches his hand out and presses it against the
back of my wrist. “I don’t understand how someone who’s not in your life anymore can make all the difference.”

I walk away from his touch, away from the lion enclosure, and take a seat on a bench. Roman follows me. “Look, I’m sorry. I’ll let it go.”