My Perfect Imperfections (11 page)

“I love seeing you this happy, Lily.”

Happy? No, I’m ecstatic!

We decide to order room service since it’s already late, and we’ll have a long day tomorrow. After helping me eat and use the bathroom, Lauren gets me ready for the night. I’m happy to see that the bathroom is accessible to help me with my needs.

“Do you need anything else, Lily?” Lauren asks once she changes me to my tank top and shorts and places me back in my wheelchair. When I smile and shake my head, she squeezes my hand. “Lily, Chance is really special. And, he cares about you…like a lot. Make this week count, okay?” I smile and nod. I can always count on Lauren to tell me what’s on her mind.

Once Lauren goes to her own room, Chance helps me to my bed and works on my muscles. I may whine and complain to him, but I actually love the way it makes me feel when he works on me. They fatigue throughout the day, which makes me even tighter. Sometimes, my calves cramp from lack of movement. Luckily, Chance can get deep into the muscle bellies, and he magically takes all the pain away.

“You know you always complain when I make you do this, but I bet you’ll miss it once I’m gone.” I know Chance is trying to tease me, but suddenly the reality of him leaving next week hits home. I quickly turn my head to the side, not wanting him to see my pain.

Chance lies down next to me. “I shouldn’t have said that. I promised myself that I wouldn’t think about me leaving…at least not when I’m here with you. I just want us to enjoy each other without worrying about anything else. I’m sorry, Lily. I didn’t think.”

I roll toward him and reach my hand to touch his face. Of course, it was an innocent statement, but I’ve purposefully avoided thinking about it.

Chance plays with my hair. “I love your hair, Lily. And even more, I love your eyes. They’re the most unusual shade of green. Do you know that only 2% of the population worldwide has green eyes? You know what that means? You’re even more unique than you realized.”

I can’t help but laugh.

“I’m too tired to walk to my bedroom, Lily. I’m sleeping right here. You okay with that?”

I’ve never had anybody sleep in the same bed as me besides Layna. I definitely never had a guy share my bed. If I’m honest with myself, though, I don’t want him to leave. Without analyzing it further, I scoot closer to him.

Chance pulls me into his arms and holds me in his embrace the entire night.

It doesn’t feel strange. There’s no tension.

Instead, it feels like home.

The week with Chance flies by with a blink of an eye. We spend the majority of our time at the beach. The wheelchairs provided there have very large wheels and can easily be pushed on the sand. Even so, there’s a ramp that goes all the way into the ocean.

I have never seen an ocean before—at least not in person. I lose myself in its mystic. There is no end to it. It just simply disappears into the horizon. I can almost taste the salt in the air as the ocean breeze fans my hair. The rippling of the waves creeping up on my feet just adds to the feeling of pure bliss.

Chance picks me up and carries me into the infinite body of water. “You need to swim in the ocean, my dear Lily, not just those controlled therapy pools.” Although fear of the unknown encloses me, I’ve never felt freer. We both laugh as the waves crash into us. I hang onto him with all my might, and we both lose ourselves in the ecstasy the mysterious ocean brings us.

If we’re not in the ocean, we’re in the pool or in our lounging chairs, drinking mai tais or Piña coladas. Since I rarely drink, a couple of drinks during the day is more than enough for me. I even permit him to feed me and help me with the drinks. I figure life is too short to worry about little things like that. If he’s comfortable with it, why am I making such a big deal about it? It’s my own issue, and I make a conscious decision to put it away for now.

When we decide to share a drink, Chance says, “Wow, that’s almost like kissing.”

Completely taken aback, I almost choke.

“You know, that’s the closest we’ve come to kissing,” Chance continues as if it’s the most natural thing to say.

“What?” I finally respond, shocked at the direction of this conversation.

“Okay, I take it back. Kissing would be a lot more fun.” Chance winks and takes another sip.

I can feel the heat rising in my cheeks. Why does he insist on putting me in these awkward situations? I know he’s getting a kick out of it.

“I love watching your face turn red while you try to hide your eyes from me. I just can’t help but tease you, if for nothing else than to watch your reaction.”

I have no response for him but to stick my tongue out at him like a child, which causes him to burst out laughing.

“I’m glad I’m entertaining you,” I respond with my device, rolling my eyes.

“Oh, you are definitely entertaining, sweet Lily.”

I smile, as pure happiness fills me, dreading when the week will be over.

I have never felt freer than I do this week. This week with him makes me believe that anything is possible, even if the feeling is short lived since neither of us is ready to face reality.

So, all week long, we laugh. And, we laugh some more.

The nights are filled with strong arms holding me, making me feel safe and secure. Every night after doing my stretches, Chance sleeps in my bed with me. There’s no explanation, no awkwardness. It feels so right that he is there, right next to me.

On our last night, after Lauren showers me and helps me get ready for bed, I stay up longer with Chance, not wanting our vacation to end just yet. Before he puts me in bed, I know I have to get some things off of my chest.

“I want to talk for a bit first,” I tell him with my device.

“Okay, what’s up?”

“I know we promised not to ruin our vacation by talking about unpleasant things, but I have to talk to you. I’m scared, Chance.”

Chance takes a deep breath and sits down on the bed.

“I’m scared about that mutated gene for ALS. I’m scared that you won’t ask for help if you need it after you leave. And, I’m scared of what’s going to happen after you leave. You know, with our friendship.”

Chance waits a second before answering. “I’m scared too, Lily,” he finally whispers.

“Thank you for bringing me here. I’ll forever cherish our time here.”

Chance stands up and leans down in front of my wheelchair. “Me, too. You have no idea how much this week has meant to me.” He pauses and then stands back up. “Okay, enough of this serious stuff. Time for your exercises.”

I’m not surprised at all that he’s ready to move to a different topic. That’s what Chance does. He can’t face anything head on. He’d rather pretend everything is great, and if he avoids things hard enough, somehow these things will just disappear.

I sigh, knowing the conversation is done.

After the workout, both Chance and I lie on the bed, neither of us saying a word. Finally, Chance turns to me and pulls me into his arms. Not wanting to ruin this moment, I sink into his embrace, knowing that his scent, his strong arms, the feel of his hard body against mine, and the beating of his heart will forever be etched in my memory.

For the next hour, I force myself to relax my body, hoping to fall asleep. When I finally settle myself down, I hear Chance say, “You still awake?”

I decide not to answer immediately, curious about why he asked me.

“Guess you fell asleep. I can’t sleep, Lily. There’s so much I want to say to you. Maybe it’ll be easier to say it since you can’t hear me.” Chance takes a deep breath. Just as I’m about to let him know that I’m awake, he continues. “Lily, I wish our circumstances were different. I wish I wasn’t leaving or you could come with me or something. You have no idea how much I care about you. A part of me wishes I would just stay. But, I can’t do that, Lily. I just can’t. I have to do this. I have to follow what I had set myself to do from the beginning. Am I scared? Hell, yeah, I’m scared. I wonder if this stupid ALS will just sneak up on me and who knows? I could die before medical school is even over. So my choice of going through with it really makes no sense. I just know that I can’t allow ALS to control me. I refuse to live life by waiting around to see if I’ll get it or not. I have to pursue my dreams. I really hope you understand that, Lily. I hope you don’t resent me for leaving. It’s probably one of the hardest choices I’ve ever had to make. You see, every day counts. We must live every day to the fullest.”

Chance sighs deeply and holds me tighter. I continue to pretend I’m sleeping because I know Chance is not good with talking about his feelings.

“I don’t know why I have such strong feelings for you, Lily. I’ve never allowed myself to get this close to anybody. I’ll miss you every minute that I’m away from you. Every second.” Chance slowly caresses my lower lip with his thumb. Ever so tenderly, I feel his soft lips touch mine. It’s a brief kiss, but I feel his every emotion flowing through it. And, with this powerful kiss, I’m helpless, as he steals my heart.

Once Chance drops me back home from our trip, he doesn’t stay long. He brings my belongings into the house and gives me a quick kiss on my cheek.

“See you soon, Lily,” he whispers.

I try to make eye contact, but he avoids it. He quickly shakes my dad’s hand, hugs my mom, and darts out the front door without a backward glance, taking a piece of me with him.

His flight is for the next day, but Chance doesn’t stop by to say goodbye. I’m not surprised at all because I know him now like the back of my hand.

I receive a text from him that says, “On the plane” and another that says, “Landed and now at the apartment. Unpacking and preparing for my classes.”

I text back, “Okay, be safe.”

That night, as I lie in my bed, I finally allow myself to cry for the first time. I cry for Chance and his tortured past. I cry for his unknown future. I cry that I won’t be seeing him every day. I cry for the inevitable change that will occur in our relationship with time. And. most of all, I cry from feeling powerless that none of this is in my control. I’ll have to watch helplessly as the future unfolds, no matter how much it kills me inside.

Of course, I don’t share my feelings with anybody, especially Chance. He has made his decision and even if it hurts that he’s gone, I’m proud of him. His courage of pursuing his dreams instead of feeling sorry for himself is truly inspiring. Besides, he’s a brilliant man, and if given the right opportunities, I know he can be a huge asset to the medical community.

True to his word, Chance texts me every day. He fills me in on how the classes are going and that he’s now seeing a physician there who was referred to him. He assures me that he has not been diagnosed with ALS still and that he’s had no strange symptoms.

Lucky for me, my job starts as soon as he leaves. I bury myself in my work, needing to stay busy. The fact that I’m used to the college definitely helps make things a bit easier. I also know a lot of the faculty, so they already recognize what I’m capable of doing and show me mutual respect.

On weekends, I continue to attend my therapy sessions. It’s difficult to get used to not having Chance with me, but I purposefully avoid thinking about it. My body definitely misses his daily massages and stretches. I can already tell that my muscles are becoming tighter. Sometimes, even if I’m doing nothing but lying on my bed, terrible pains radiate up and down my legs. These are the times when I crave somebody to move my legs or to massage the charley horses out of my muscles. I refuse to bother my parents with such things since they both still work hard every day. Ignoring the muscle spasms, I soon get used to the pain.

Although Chance continues to text me every day, I can tell that our conversations are changing. They’re not as comfortable as they once were. It may be because we’re both busy. Or it may be for the simple fact that an invisible wall has begun forming between us.

We follow each other on social media, so occasionally I notice pictures of him going out with his new friends on Facebook. He looks happy and strong. Although a big part of me is dying slowly without him, another part of me is glad he seems happy.

I, too, begin making friends soon. If my colleagues from work have a get-together or an outing, I force myself to join them. Like Chance has always said, “Live every day to the fullest.”

Holidays are soon upon us. As I’m driving my wheelchair to our minivan after work one evening, I notice my dad’s not in the van. That’s unusual for him because he doesn’t like me waiting in the cold. Just when I start sending a text to him, I hear, “Hello, Lily.”

Gasping, I whirl my wheelchair around to the familiar voice. Unable to help myself, I let out a scream. Before I know it, Chance already has his arms wrapped around me.

“Damn, Lily! I’ve missed you! You look great!”

I can’t even speak, so caught up in emotions. The tears flow freely down my cheek, and Chance tenderly wipes them away.

“I’m here for the week during the holidays. I went straight to your parents’ house and took the minivan. I wanted to surprise you.”

All I can do is smile in awe, praying it’s not just a dream.

During the week, we catch up on everything. I tell him about my job and my new friends. He shares how he’s met some phenomenal professors, and he swears that all of the students are geniuses. He says he’s learning a lot and although it was tough at first, he’s meeting some great people.

Although both of our lives are heading in different directions, we put that aside for the week. Once again, we are best friends as if nothing has changed. I’m happy to see that he looks so healthy and full of energy. He, in turn, is happy about my work and my new friends.

Chance stays at my parents’ house during his visit, but they have him stay in the spare bedroom. Every evening, we watch our favorite movies together in my room until late night while lying in bed. Before we fall asleep, though, he goes to the spare room. He says it doesn’t feel right to break my dad’s rules in his house.

For Christmas, I don’t have a gift for Chance since I wasn’t expecting him, but when we’re alone, he pulls out a small box, wrapped in gold wrapping paper.

“I wanted to get you something. Merry Christmas, Lily.”

“But I have nothing for you,” I say.

“I don’t need anything. I’ve got everything I need right here in front of me,” Chance replies as he winks.

“Always teasing me.” I shake my head while taking the gift.

“I love teasing you. Now let’s see what’s in that box.” Chance assists me with ripping the wrapper and opening the box.

I gasp when I see the gold heart locket in the box. The necklace sparkles in the light as he pulls it out. When he opens the locket, I see pictures of us at Cancun. One picture is when he’s kissing my cheek in the pool, and the other picture is when he is carrying me in his arms in the ocean. Both are tender, happy moments we shared. I turn the locket over and see “Always” engraved on the back. Chance doesn’t say anything, but takes the necklace back in his hands and puts it on me.

“Thank you,” I say with my words this time. Although the words are not said properly, I want him to hear the emotion in my voice.

“You’re welcome. I’m glad you like it. Now, what movie do you want to see tonight?
Harry Potter
or
The Hunger Games
?”

Okay, that’s my cue that he’s ready to change the subject. Before long, I’m snuggled in his arms as we lie on the bed watching Harry Potter.

The next day, Chance leaves, whispering, “See you soon.”

Unfortunately, his idea of soon is very different from my idea of soon.

Chance continues to text me, but he doesn’t visit during the summer break. He has committed himself to working on a research project with one of the professors. Our texts are brief and detached. Sometimes, it almost feels like he’s texting out of obligation.

I bury myself in my work and my studies. It feels good to actually receive a real paycheck. I refuse to think about Chance, although once in a while, I find myself checking his Facebook wall to see what he’s been doing. Many times, I see the pictures he’s been tagged in by his friends. To my relief, he looks healthy. The pictures that hurt the most are the ones of him partying with girls. Often, these girls are hanging all over him, and Chance has no problems holding them in his arms. Once there’s even a picture of a beautiful girl sitting on his lap while he’s laughing.

For the life of me, I have no idea why I’m slowly torturing myself. I know if I click on his page, I’ll see things I don’t want to see. Powerless, I purposefully continue to cause myself the pain. I can’t help but be jealous. I don’t know if it’s because I wish I were one of the girls or because I wish I weren’t a prisoner in my own wheelchair.

I know Chance and I have been best friends for a long time, but a part of me has to accept that he never really saw me as he sees these other girls. Sure, he cares about me, but he’s never been attracted to me. Can I blame him? After all, he’s a gorgeous man who can basically get any of those beautiful, able-bodied girls who are all over him.

Knowing I need to let him go—not only for him but also for me—I eventually stop texting him back. At first, Chance continues to try to reach me, but I don’t respond. He even calls my parents to make sure I’m okay. When they assure him I’m doing fine, I receive one final email from him.

Hey, Lily,

I’ve been texting you quite a bit lately, but you haven’t replied back. I got worried so I called your parents. They assured me that you’re doing great and everything is working out well with your job and school. I wish I could be there in person so we can talk face to face about this. I just can’t get out of the commitments here, though. Since you’re not replying back to me, I can only assume that you don’t want to put in the effort any longer to keep in touch. If I’m wrong about this, please let me know. If I don’t hear back from you, I guess my assumption is correct. I’m not quite sure what to say, but if that is your desire, I respect it. Just know that whatever you may need in the future, I’ll be here for you.

Always,

Chance

A single tear slowly rolls down my cheek and disappears behind my shirt.

I live my life without worrying about my past or the future. I no longer allow my disability to slow me down. After all, this is the only life I’ve been given. There are no second chances, so I might as well learn to work with what I have.

I become very close to Kathy Johnson, one of the faculty members. As time passes, we hang out more frequently. We eventually become close enough that I even allow her to help me with my needs. If we go out to eat together, Kathy feeds me. She learns about my wheelchair and my communication device. A few times, she even helps me to the bathroom. It doesn’t seem to bother her. She simply says, “Girlfriends pee in front of each other all the time.”

As I become more independent, I think about moving out and living on my own. I find a facility that is set up as an apartment complex, but it’s also more like an assistive living place. Most people there need some help, whether it’s total care or people like me who just need help with basic care due to physical limitations. There are twenty-four-hour nurses there in case anybody needs them. They provide their own aides to help the residents. Also, they have vans that would provide me with transportation. From my calculations, I know I can afford the rent there. The more I research it, the more I like it. I’m twenty-four years old already; it’s about time I move out of my parents’ home.