My Stupid Girl (53 page)

“That being said, David, I don’t think I
would have done nearly as good a job with you as your grandmother seemed to.
You turned out amazing.” Pride rang in his voice, and appreciation.

“I’ve changed a lot,” I said, trying to
defend him against himself.

“Yeah? How so?”

“I used to wear a lot more makeup, and my
hair was all in my face.” I shook my head but laughed at myself. That person,
who had been so much more than long hair and heavy makeup, seemed like someone
far away, a long time ago.

“And what changed?” Anthony knew what I
meant.

“That crazy girl.” I nodded my head in
Lucy’s direction, my chest getting tighter and my throat beginning to close up.
My words squeaked out: “Her love changed me.”

We both took a minute to think, hospital
noises humming faintly in the background. Lydia shifted slightly, which knocked
the glassy look out of my father’s eyes and prompted him to speak.

“David, it sounds like you have already
made up your mind about adoption.”

I nodded and he put his hand on my back,
speaking gently.

“Lydia will be adopted, then.” His
matter-of-fact tone totally threw me off. I had been so sure we were on the
same page. Had the guy even been listening to me?!

“Adopted? Really? You think Lucy should?”
Maybe I shouldn’t have brought up the makeup and creepy-emo-hair thing.

Anthony laughed at my worry.

“Yes, David. You’re going to adopt Lydia.”

“Me?” The words tasted bitter; I hadn’t
even considered it. Marrying Lucy, of course. Being part of Lydia’s life, sure.
But adopt her?

Me adopting a child. That sentence was like
trying to shove two magnets together. I never thought those words would (could?
should?) come out of my mouth.

“Adoption is an amazing thing, David. It
isn’t right for everyone, but some people are incredibly blessed by it.” He
hadn’t looked up at me for a couple of seconds but after my silent,
non-existent response he looked up at me.

“David, why does that scare you so much?”
My birth father looked intently at me and I could see his eyes going over my scar.

Where would I even start? I wanted to spill
out my whole life, but I knew how much, how incredibly awful it would be for
him to know it. As much as he blamed himself already, he would feel a million
times worse.

“David?” I still hadn’t answered him, but I
looked him full in the face when he said my name again. I knew what he was
going to ask me. I could feel my blood begin to boil and I wanted so badly not
to be angry right now.

“Where did you get that scar?”

“Well.” I paused and went over different scenarios.
In three seconds, I thought of hundreds of ways I could say it, or lie about
it. Or ignore it. Then I realized the truth was the best. The words shot out,
like a group of speeding cannonballs.

“My dad was an abusive drunk!” I
practically shouted. Lydia’s eyes popped open and she fussed for a few seconds
before Anthony rocked her back to sleep. Lucy’s sleep was disturbed, too, but
she just shifted position.

I’d said it. The thing I said I wouldn’t.
Maybe I shouldn’t have been so harsh. But, deep down, it was something I had
wanted to say ever since I’d met Anthony Pfalmer. It had always been on the tip
of my tongue but I had never had the courage. He had given me away. And he had
given me to the worst possible person.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He was scolding
me, which made me angry. But his face was livid, purple with rage, and it
wasn’t directed at me. It was more at himself, at my adopted father, at the
situation that he had no control over.

Now it was his turn to try not to waste
anger over the “gravy,” over a history he had no control over.

“I didn’t want you to feel bad!” That was
true enough. I tried to shrug but found that my shoulders were already as high
as they would go. Defensive stance.

“You didn’t want me to feel bad?” He looked
astonished. “David, who are you?”

“What?” I was getting a headache. Did this
helpful conversation really just turn into what it had turned into?

“I have never met anyone like you. You’re
like a ridiculous super hero,” he snorted. He grinned, the anger disappearing
from his face in an instant. “I mean it, son. Your power is selflessness.”

“No! Definitely not!” I needed a barf bag.

“David. The very idea that I somehow had a
part in making someone like you is the most humbling thing in the world. I
freaking love you so much!”

Spoken like a young, hip dad who was
showing his age.

“Well, I really actually ‘freaking’ love
you too, Dad.” I felt his free hand go around the back of my neck.

“I am so sorry the way things turned out
for you, David. But I am so incredibly proud of you. I am more proud than
anyone could be of their son.”

He looked intensely at me. The pride
radiated off of him in waves. I was going to get sunburn. (Prideburn?) Under
that look of awe and wonder. I did, however see a glimmer of I want to murder
someone and pick my teeth with their bones.

I recognized the look because I held a
similar gleam when it came to Lucy and the whole other guy thing. So much for
ignoring someone else’s history. I was just going to have to try my best and
not beat myself up too hard when I couldn’t quite ignore it.

“Thank you.” I really wanted to cry.

So I did.

I cried because I had a real father who
loved me, and wanted me. I cried because I finally realized I wanted very much
to be a father myself. Not just to Lydia, but to the rest of Lucy’s children. I
cried because I wanted to spend my life fighting to be a better man for Lucy,
for Lydia, and for the other kids we would have someday. They were worth it,
worth grappling every day with my weaknesses, worth always fighting to be
better.

“David?” I looked at the soft voice that
was coming from the hospital bed.

“Hey girl.” Every angry feeling I had
during the last half hour completely disappeared as I looked over at Lucy’s
bright blue eyes and swollen face. I walked over to her, my beautiful Lucy.

I climbed onto the hospital bed so I could
lie next to Lucy. Like the first day we were together.

“Could I take Lydia out to show my wife?”
Anthony asked like we were doing him a huge favor, knowing that we needed to be
alone.

“Of course.” Lucy’s amazing smile warmed
the room. My dad left with Lydia, leaving us alone.

“You okay?” she asked me, grabbing my face
and examining it.

“I’m really, really good.” I reached in and
kissed her lips.

“You look like you’ve been crying, David.”
She spoke with concern, once I released her mouth.

“Manly crying.” I winked and she hit my
shoulder. Wow. Pregnancy makes women crazy. How was it she was, all of the
sudden, in a good mood again? Regardless, I knew what I had to do. I knew what
I wanted and I knew what I wanted to fight for.

“Hey Luce?”

“Yes?”

“I got something I want to ask you.”

30. OTIS REDDING

“Okay?” Lucy shrunk back into her bed looking
worried. So I snuggled in closer, trying to reassure her. I would walk across
the sun with my bare feet for her.

Her amazing hair was just as intoxicating as
it always had been. I buried my nose even deeper into the crook of her neck to
take in the scent from the tangle. Her body language loosened as I wiggled my
way closer to her, until my arms were completely around her.

“How can you be so understanding about
this?” Her voice was full of regret and shame.

“It’s easy to love you.” I shrugged off her
question. By now, it was obvious to both of us that I would never be okay with
the situation, with Lucy getting pregnant by some random guy. I didn’t feel
like it was necessary to bring that up. Sometimes the elephant doesn’t need to
be recognized.

“Easy? It’s honestly not hard for you that
I just had some dude's baby?” Now her voice was harsh. It made me flinch but
then I laughed.

Lucy would be the one to sit on the
elephant in the room, waving a red flag, blowing a trumpet to announce the
elephant’s presence to the world.

“No, not really. Isaiah, Johnny, and I will
be killing him, so that makes it easier to take.”

“David, I’m serious.” A tear was running
down her freckled face so I changed track.

“Well, me too.”

“You can do better than me.” Lucy’s voice
was a whisper, and she sank lower into her bed.

“Shut up.”

“You shut up!” She spit back but smiled at
me. “Why aren’t you…”

“Hey, I’m the one who’s asking the
questions here. I love you; get over it!” Stern face.

“Fine, what’s your question then?”

“Question, proposition, statement whatever
you want to call it.” I was trying to figure out exactly how to say it.

Her face looked so worried that this time
it made me laugh.

“Luce?”

“Yeah…”

“I don’t know how to help you see how
amazing you are. At this point, I don’t know if I can. I think, I mean I’m
you’re going to have to figure that out for yourself if it’s going to mean
anything. But I do want to ask you something.”

“Ok,” she said, biting her lip. She was doing
her nervous twitch she did, her feet shaking underneath her hospital blankets.

“You know that night, after prom when you
gave me your purity ring?”

“Yeah?” She looked at me from the corner of
her eye. I could tell she was freaking out inside so I put my hand on her
cheek, looking directly at her. She was still scared I was going to scold her
or something.

“I kept the ring,” I said, suddenly feeling
a little shy, but keeping my eyes on her.

“You did? Why?” Now she was worried and
confused.

“Lucy, I never stopped wanting you. You
just freaked me out. I was, or rather, am just a stupid boy.”

I realized that this was the first time we
had talked about what happened that night.

“David, I’m sorry I did that to you.” She
looked incredibly sad. Like me, that night was probably something she had gone
over a million times in her head and wished she could change.

“Lucy, I completely overreacted. I’ve
thought about seventy different ways I could have handled that, so please…” I
put my hand up in the air, signaling that I didn’t want an apology.

“But, David --”

“Lucy, I really want to say something to
you,” I interrupted her, and she bit her lip to stop herself from talking.

“I kept the ring on me all the time
actually, around my neck.” I pointed to the thin black leather string
disappearing into my shirt.

“I wondered what that thing was.” She
reached over and pulled it out. I should have realized she was going to do
that. I could tell her my darkest secret and the girl would be following a fly
around a room if it were buzzing noisily, instead of listening to me. It took
her a minute to realize what she was seeing. She pulled it closer to her,
bringing my face with it. Her forehead was pressed against mine.

She was staring at her grandmother’s
wedding ring looking, completely baffled.

“How did you get this?”

“Apparently, your dad had a lot of
sentimental value attached to that other ring. So he traded me for one he
thought I’d like better.” She tore her eyes off of the little circle, face
covered with confusion. Also, if I wasn’t mistaken, trying to hide a wave of
hope.

“You got this from my dad?” she whispered,
still hanging on to the ring. The leather strip was cutting into my neck, but I
didn’t care.

“I did. And now I want to give it to you.”

She looked down, her legs starting to
twitch again. I pried the ring from her grip, pulled the leather over my head,
and untied it so the ring slid off. I looked at her, the love of my life,
realizing how lame this was. Lucy deserved a better proposal than this, but I
had already started, there was no going back.

“Lucy…” My voice was deep and raspy all of
the sudden, like my throat wanted to go on strike.

Her eyes got big and she started to bounce
a little.

“You are a crazy girl, Lucy Peterson.” I
started to laugh. This had to go down as the world’s worst proposal. But I
pressed on.

“I love you with all my heart. I love you
so much that the thought of not being near you actually makes me physically
ill.”

Yes, talking about vomiting. Definitely the
best proposal of all time. 

She started giggling.

“You know, Luce, when you put your fingers
through my hair in the car, right after we had been pulled from a freezing
lake, stripped down, and thrown in a car to be driven to the hospital?”

She nodded so I continued. I figured she
would remember that, but rhetorical questions are part of any good proposal.

“Something in me broke.” I put my hand over
my chest, over my heart, and I could almost feel it swelling under my hands. I
imagined my fingers growing farther away from my shirt from the expansion of
it.

“Lucy, you have been the one for me since
that moment.”

“I can’t believe you remember that. The
hair thing.” Her swollen face was glowing.

“Be my wife. I want you. I need you.” I
could feel a stinking tear starting to make its escape from my eye and I wiped
it away quickly before I put the ring on her finger.

I was shaking like an idiot.

The ring only went to her swollen knuckle,
which made both of us laugh. Lucy stuck her bottom lip out in an exaggerated
pout, then laughed again.

“Of course I’ll be your--” I cut her off
before she could answer.

“Wait; hold up.” I wasn’t done. Plus, this
was already a terrible proposal. I figured I might as well go for broke and
make it really awful.

“Lucy, there are a few things that we need
to talk about before you say yes to me.” I watched her little body shrink back
again. She was waiting for the “I told you so” or the “I love you, but.”