My Summer Roommate (15 page)

When he winks, I’m really not sure I want to know what he means.

“I worked six months to save enough money to buy a car so I could take Sophia on a honeymoon. I drove myself to the church that morning, all cocky and with my heart pulsing in my eyes like you see in cartoons. I was marrying the prettiest girl around, an’ I was sure we’d make the cutest babies. But too much booze at the party later made me stupid. I slept with one of the bridesmaids. I don’t even remember her name, but I still remember the look of hurt on Sophia’s face when she found us in the janitor’s closet at the restaurant. She sent me divorce papers within the week.”

He falls silent and suddenly seems embarrassed. His foot is nervously kicking the bucket, tipping
it slightly every time, until it topples over and clatters on the tiles.

“Wow. I had no idea
you were married.”

“Not
a story I like sharing. She was my one and only love. To this day I regret being so stupid. Maybe if I’d asked her for forgiveness she would’ve forgiven me, but I didn’t have the balls to face her afterwards.”

“I’m sorry,” I say
, because I don’t know what else to say. What do you say to someone who’s been mourning the loss of his only love his entire adult life?

“You don’t want to end up like me, watching soap operas because they’re safer than real life, boy.”

The vulnerable expression he’s had while he talked about Sophia is again replaced with his gruffness.

“If you love that girl, fight for her.
”

He doesn’t know what exactly happened between Chloe and me. I just told him that we were over.
There’s a part of me that wants to leave it at that. But another part wants, even needs commiseration, although I know I brought all this on myself. It was my stupid acts that got me where I am, no one else’s. Chloe trusted me, and I betrayed her trust and humiliated her in the worst possible way.

“I made a
terrible mistake too, Sal. I don’t think I stand a chance of getting her back.” When I say the words out loud like that, they make it all more real and painful.

“Grovel, boy. And then grovel some more. If she cares, she’ll forgive you, but she’ll make you work for it.
Women are like that. They deserve to be, too.”

“I don’t know. I fucked up pretty bad
. I’m not sure I deserve to be forgiven.” This is the first time I admitted it, but a part of me thinks I really don’t deserve forgiveness for my stupidity.

“Where there’s love, there’s forgiveness.”

I want to believe him, but what if she doesn’t feel anything for me or not enough, in any case?

“And if she doesn’t love you, isn’t it better that you’re rid of her?”

That was just it. I wasn’t better off without her, not by any chance. I needed her to love me. That was the whole, scary truth.

****

Armed with a tub of ice cream, I ring the bell at Izzy’s. When she opens the door and her face darkens when she sees me, I freeze. If this is how her friend greets me, what will Chloe’s reaction be?

“Is Chloe here?”

“Sorry, she went out.” Her expression has softened a little, and that gives me hope.
But I’m not sure I should believe her about Chloe being out. I know what girls are like, looking out for each other. Chloe might well be peeking through the curtains in one of the upstairs bedrooms. I’m tempted to glance up, but I stop myself.

“Any idea when she’ll be back?”

“Not for a while, I think. She’s got a yoga class downtown.”

“Oh.” I don’t know what to do. I feel foolish with the ice cream tub in my hands. “
Here, could you give her this? Tell her I really want to see her, if she’s willing to talk to me.”

“Sure.”

I shuffle my feet, feeling I should say something to get at least Izzy on my side, but I don’t know what or if it’s even possible. I’m about to turn and leave, when I change my mind.

“Is she very pissed?”

“I think she has a right to be, don’t you?”

I feel pretty small when she’s staring me down like that, and she’s a head shorter than me.

“Yeah, yeah, she does,” I say, remorseful. “I don’t stand a chance of her forgiving me, do I?”

“Give her some time, Chris. Maybe she’ll come around.”

“You think?” I’m not sure if she means that or if she’s just saying it to get rid of me. Probably the latter.

She shrugs in response. “Chloe’s a generous person. Just not when it comes to her heart. You’ll just have to wait and see, won’t you?”

Not the answer I was hoping for, but it was all she was willing to give me, apparently.

Instead of my hopes rising, I
feel even more wretched on my way home.

Chapter Twenty-One

CHLOE

A tropical storm is forecast for late afternoon. Izzy and I are watching the portentous clouds rolling in from the east. They feel appropriate for my mood. Nature commiserates with me and my pain.

I lean my head back on the lounger and inhale. “It’s almost like breathing under water, the air’s so moist.”

“It’s almost like I were listening to myself, the way you’re still trying to avoid
the
topic,” Izzy counters.

“It’s not fair that you manage to be funny
and
mean.”

“You mean it’s not fair that I’m taking over your role?”

“Shut up.”

“
Refusing to talk about him won’t make it hurt any less.”

“I said, shut up.”

That silences her for a few minutes so I can finish my soda in peace. That’s all I want, a little bit of peace. A few moments a day when I’m not reminded of Chris, and how much it all hurts. But now that I’ve started thinking about it, I can’t stop, and all hope of forgetting him is now lost. I sigh and get up.

The view from Isabelle’s porch sucks. All
I can see is the back alley and the backyards of the houses on the other side. They’re all empty and silent. It’s still better to pretend to be watching that, than to face Izzy’s stubborn glare.

I hear her inhale to say something, but no words follow.

“Yeah yeah, I know.” I sigh. “You’re only trying to help.”

I turn to her
, apologetic, but I catch her shaking her head.

“That was not what I was going to say.”

“What, then?”

She gets up too, and joins me by the balustrade.

“Well, I was thinking that Chris put a lot of effort into it. If it was only about winning the bet, I mean.”

“I know.”

“Maybe …” When I look at her, she gestures for me to wait with my reaction until she finishes. “Even if he accepted the bet, maybe his feelings were genuine anyway? Did you ever consider that?”

“
Yes,” I say. I keep sighing like I’m on a respirator. “I realize that maybe he fell for me just like he said he did, and that the bet was just a bad, alcohol-fueled decision in the spur of the moment. I know all that.”

“So?”

“I can’t get past it, Iz.” I massage my scalp with my fingers because it aches from all this thinking and hurting.

“I don’t get it.”

“The initial problem was Chris and what he’d done, certainly. But now, the problem is me.” When I touch my chest with my hand, I feel my heart beating and I wonder if it beats any differently now that it’s broken. I’ve missed him these past days, once the anger and humiliation ran their course and the longing set into my heart like a frigid winter on the land. I’ve missed him with a passion.

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve been very stupid, trusting him. Like you said I was, at the beginning, when I moved in with him. I can’t forgive myself.”

“You weren’t stupid, Chloe. It was the right thing to do. You know that.”

“Look how well it turned out,” I say, and even I wince at how jaded my voice sounds. I realize I’m being a drama queen over this. Yes, he was a jerk. He broke my heart. He ruined my last vacation before college. For a day or two, he made me hate all men. But I was the one who initiated things that day. I kissed him first. I made it possible for him to break my heart.

Wait, no … th
at’s not right. Me trusting him was not the problem. Despite the hurt and humiliation, there’s a part of me that believes that he didn’t set out to hurt me at all. It just so happened. Partly, it was his fault, partly mine. Partly, it was the fault of the stupid, childish male need to brag and taunt.

And still,
even knowing all that, there is a barrier in me that I can’t push myself through to get to the other side where I could possibly forgive and move on. I am circling on the spot. Endless circles of Dante’s Inferno that have me burning with anger and pain.

“I know it was the right thing to do,” I say. “Just not
at the right moment or maybe not with the right person.”

“You’re wrong,” she says, and shakes her head stubbornly. “Why don’t you listen to him? See what he has to say for himself?”

“I listened to about a hundred voice mails from him.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“Sure I did.” She was right there with me when I played them. Why is she pretending she doesn’t remember all of a sudden?

“You listened to a pre-recorded loop that goes on and on in your head, Chloe. You didn’t hear
him
.”

I wish I had a better reply to that, but I just snort with scorn.

“Even
my
heart was breaking when I heard his voice, Chloe. Or when he came here with your favorite ice cream. Please, next time he calls, pick up and talk to him. Please?”

“You’re on his side now?” I know she’s not, but I want to get back at her for being his advocate after he humiliated me.

“Just ask him whether he told his buddies that he won the bet.”

She makes sense, and I inhale deeply and accept it. She’s smart and knows how to get to me. Also, she loves me like a sister, and she’s definitely not on Chris’s side, because there are no sides here. It’s just a mess.
A side-less, shapeless mess.

“I’ll think about it,” I say
.

“Did you call your mom yet?” she starts with another painful topic.

I haven’t and I ignored Mom’s calls. I know I handled the situation badly. I was upset and angry, still am, but I said the first thing that came to mind, without considering how my words would hurt Mom. I didn’t react very maturely. I feel bad about it, but I also need some time before I face Mom because I don’t want a repeat performance of our last altercation. I needed my anger to cool down a bit first.

“I’m waiting for a good time to talk to her.”

“We’re leaving for college in less than two weeks. You’re running out of time to fix your relationships, Chloe.”

“I know, Iz. I know.” I sound harsh, but I’m angry with myself, not with her. “It’s just that a part of me wants one thing, a
nother part quite another.”

Isabelle opens her mouth to say something, but
then we hear the door bell from the depths of the house.

Isabelle goes in, but she’s back within a minute. I turn around and I’m surprised to see my
mom walking behind Izzy.

“Mo
m? What are you doing here?”

“Chloe, dear
.” She stops like she doesn’t know what else to say. I know she can tell from my expression that I’m still angry and hurt. I want her to know it, because I’ve had enough of her not being able to remember a single thing. I’ve had enough of having to be the dependable one out of the two of us. It just got too much having to be responsible for every person in my life when I sometimes feel like I can’t even be responsible for myself. I buckled under the burden and now I’m not willing to shoulder it again. I would never be able to fly, so to speak, with all this weight pressing me down.

“
Not answering your calls was supposed to send a message,” I say, careful not to raise my voice because if I do, I’m afraid I won’t be able to stop yelling.

“But love, you have to let me explain.
”

“I would’ve, in my own time. But I first needed some distance to cool off. You should
have known that.”

“I do, Chloe.”

“Do you? Because it seems to me you don’t even know your own daughter anymore. How could you talk to Chris behind my back otherwise?”

“Chloe, you know it’s not like that. I’m just … well,
I tried to help.” She smiles sheepishly.

“
Right now I’m so angry with you for doing this to me. I’m not here to be your obedient little helper, Mom. I was not born so you would have it easy. I was not. I want you to take care of
me
for once. Chris broke my heart and I’m really hurting, and right now I need a mother. A proper mother. I can’t do this anymore, Mom. Just can’t …”