My Teenage Dream Ended (18 page)

Now that I knew for sure I was pregnant, I started going out less and less. I stopped hanging out with a lot of my friends, especially the ones that I didn’t have much in common with other than partying. I focused on trying to graduate early, because I couldn’t stand the thought of not finishing school before the baby came, but I was also trying to cherish the time I had left at school because I knew this period of my life was coming to an end. So I showed up to football games, cheered, went to practice, and tried to remain part of my old life for as long as I could.

I had been taking a six-month acting, modeling, and self-development course. I had always dreamed of working in the entertainment industry. It was something I was passionate about and I had worked hard at learning the skills I would need to pursue this as a future career. I’d even landed a great part-time modeling gig working as a ring girl for Omaha Fight Club, but, even though I still looked skinnier than most of the other girls, I was going to have to quit that soon since I couldn’t be parading around in pumps and tight dresses once my belly got really big. I realized now that any offers for talent work would be out the door as soon as I started to show.

At first, I tried to hide from my instructors that I was pregnant, but then one day during a class break I decided to confide to my talent coach
that I was pregnant. I could see the shock on her face. She was silent for a moment and then she said, calmly and in a very motherly tone, “I know you work really hard and try your best in class. I’ll look around for other opportunities that might work for you now.”

I was relieved. I knew it was a long shot, but at least she wasn’t judging me and didn’t say that I should just give up now that I was pregnant. Her offer to help me find other opportunities gave me hope and reassured me that I wasn’t a complete failure. My parents and other people around me were acting like this shocking, unplanned pregnancy was going to define me—that suddenly all I would be was a pregnant, unmarried teen. I knew that wasn’t me. I wasn’t prepared to give up on my dreams.

At the next class, my coach took me aside and said that she had heard MTV was holding a casting for pregnant teens for a new show they were doing. She told me this was the best opportunity she had found for me because, honestly, there just wasn’t a lot of work out there for pregnant teens.

That night I went to the MTV website, and there it was: a casting call for a documentary series about the experience of being a pregnant teen. They were looking to film teenage girls during their pregnancies through to the birth of their child. I told my mom and dad about the casting and they agreed to give their consent and help me make a video to send in to the producers.

Although I’m sure they had reservations about me being filmed for a national television show, I think at the time they were just happy to see me excited about something that would be like a job for me and take my focus off of Derek and being pregnant. At the time none of us knew how big the show was going to get or how enormous the impact on my life would be. I was just grateful that a door seemed to be opening for me.

The producers liked my video, so I began going through the interview process for the show. Initially, the casting agent would call me every afternoon and we would chat about what was going on in my life—school, friends, Derek, my parents, how I felt about being pregnant. It was nice to be able to talk to someone who didn’t know me or Derek or my parents or any of my friends. I didn’t have to worry that anything I was saying would become gossip.

It was like, even though I had never met this woman or even knew what she looked like, the casting agent was in some weird way turning into my friend. I think I really needed someone like her in my life at that point, since no one else in my life was open to talking and hearing me out without judging me. I didn’t have to walk on eggshells with her, thinking she would tell my parents if I told her I had snuck out to see Derek. She wasn’t one of my catty, gossiping cheerleader girlfriends who would spread my private business around at school.

I guess the casting agent liked what I had to say, because after a few weeks of those chats, I got to meet with the director, and she brought a crew to film me for a while, to see what my life was like—at home, at school, at cheer practice and at work. They still weren’t sure the show would even go ahead, but they were going to use the footage they were colleting to make a reel for the show.

WORD GETS OUT

It was good to see how filming would work if they ended up going forward with the show and it was fun working with the camera crew. On the first day of filming, they shot me cheering at a pep rally and during the day at school.

It was a long crazy day, with kids all over school reacting to the cameras being there; girls I barely knew or didn’t get along with acted like we were best friends, some kids acted all crazy to get the attention of the cameras, while others wanted no part and steered clear of me. Whether they wanted to be on camera or not, it seemed like everyone was talking about he fact that MTV was filming at the school.

Because the show was brand new and still a secret, we didn’t tell anyone the real reason the cameras were following me. We just told them MTV was filming for a show they were making about the life of a teenager. But as soon as filming started, rumors that I was pregnant began to spread like wildfire. Questions were flaring everywhere. People started staring, and even asking me outright if I was pregnant. I refused to acknowledge their questions, but the gossip reached a fever pitch. It was like a news flash: “Farrah Abraham Is Pregnant!”

Word got back to Derek pretty quickly. Although it was difficult to cut myself off completely, I was really trying to distance myself from him. I knew that my parents wanted him out of my life and now that the cameras were around I had to be very careful about when and where I saw him. That part sucked, but I knew that, basically, my parents were right. This pregnancy had already limited my future prospects and I didn’t need the drama of our relationship getting in the way of the one big opportunity I had. Not to mention the fact that I couldn’t really tell him about the show since I hadn’t even told him that I was pregnant.

A bunch of people must have called Derek and told him that cameras were following me around, because by the time I got home that afternoon, he was calling me to ask what was going on. As soon as I answered, he jumped right in, “Hey. So my friends told me you had cameras filming you today. Is that true?”

I knew there was no point in lying so I said, “Yes.”

“Why are they filming you?”

“Why do you want to know? You don’t share everything with me, Derek, so I’m not going to tell you everything.”

“Well, some people are saying that you’re pregnant. Is that true?”

I still wasn’t ready to tell him, so I cut the conversation short. “Who cares what people are saying? I have to go. Talk to you later.” And I hung up.

Meanwhile, the cameras followed me around at school, filming me with my friends and at cheer practice. At this point, I was trying to balance regaining my parents trust (since they didn’t want me with Derek anymore) with maintaining a connection with Derek so that when he was ready to change we could pick up the pieces and be a family. I told my parents that I wasn’t seeing him anymore and I made it clear to the producers that my parents weren’t okay with Derek being a part of my story. I would avoid picking up his calls when I was filming. I never hung out with him or talked to him on camera, and I didn’t tell my friends or family that we were still talking.

In those early days of filming, Derek called me non-stop. At first, I didn’t answer—I just read his texts and listened to his voicemails—but he kept calling, demanding to know why they were filming and if I was really pregnant.
He never asked if the baby was his, just if the rumor was true. It was like he was buying into the gossip like everyone else, and not that he had had a part to play in what was going on.

I hated that this was how Derek was asking me about the pregnancy; like once he had heard through the grapevine, then it was okay to ask me. He should have been the one person I was able to confide in, but he was only coming forward now that I had cameras filming me and rumors were all over the school. It sucked, but I tried to keep my head up.

I didn’t want him to be just another person asking me or judging me. I wanted him to step up and say, “I know the baby’s mine and I’m going to be there for you. I love you.” But that never happened. The reality of my situation made me sad. Instead of having a close and loving relationship with my baby’s father and him being emotionally supportive, he was only interested now that the gossip had started. That wasn’t okay with me and it wasn’t good enough for my baby.

Finally, one day, I couldn’t take it anymore and I called him back. I was by the stairs in the basement at my house, so the cameras wouldn’t see me, and no one would overhear. Derek picked up and asked what I was up to.

I kept it short. “Just trying to graduate.”

Then he got to the point, “So I keep hearing you’re pregnant. Are you?”

I didn’t want to tell him. I felt like he didn’t really care.

“No.” I lied.

“Then why would everyone be saying that you’re pregnant?”

“People like to gossip, I guess. I gotta go.”

Derek started to say, “Why won’t you talk to me?” but I hung up.

I felt like his last question was a no brainer. Why would I want to talk to someone who wasn’t there for me? He should have shown concern for me months ago, when I called him from cheer camp and told him I had missed my period, instead of blowing it off like he had. Now, I felt like he was just harassing me to confirm the rumors like everyone else around me.

It went on like this for a while. Derek calling, demanding to know what was going on, and me sneaking around to call him back but avoiding telling him the truth. I should have cut it off with him completely, but, as hurt and as angry as I was, there was still a huge part of me that loved him and hoped he would change. I just wanted things to work out for us.

I didn’t tell the producers when he would call, but I felt like they really wanted to catch me talking to Derek. They finally did film one of these conversations and, sure enough, he came across as jealous and crazy in that footage. I still have a hard time watching that moment. That wasn’t who Derek really was. I hate that no one really knows what we were like when we were together and in love, before things got so complicated.

After the production crew left there was a month or so when everyone was in limbo, figuring out if the show was actually going to be made. In the meantime, I juggled a job, cheer practice, and early college classes.

DONE WITH PROMS

I decided not to go to my prom. I had always dreamed of going to my Senior Prom—the perfect dress, the perfect date, the perfect night—but by the time I was a senior, my life was nothing like I had imagined it would be. I had already gone to two proms, was going to graduate early, and was pregnant with no boyfriend; not at all how I pictured my senior year would play out. My baby was due in February and prom was in May, so I could have gone, but I felt like buying

everything I needed for prom would have been a waste of money. With a baby on the way, I needed to save that money for more important things.

So, instead I went to a homecoming dance with a guy friend of mine, who I had worked with at the restaurant. I had agreed to go because I thought it might be my last chance to go to a fun school dance, but I hadn’t felt like dancing very much, probably because I was pregnant. Even though you couldn’t really tell in my dress, I felt awkward; pregnant girls shouldn’t be at homecoming, especially with some guy who isn’t the baby’s dad.