Nameless (50 page)

Seth leaned
over and gave Mackenzie a light kiss, which was returned with only a scowl. “If
you want to nurse her, I’ll get the bassinet from the car and set it up.”

This sounded
like a reasonable plan, so Erin took Mackenzie to the first bedroom down the
hall, which was the one they’d had sex in the last time she was in this house. She
noticed that Seth’s overnight bag was on the floor of the room and his laptop
on the desk. This must be the room he planned to sleep in.

She’d finished
nursing and burping Mackenzie and had gotten up when she noticed something on
the desk.  The soft leather briefcase he carried his laptop in was lying on its
side. A pile of papers and files had slid halfway out of the case.

Erin wouldn’t
have given them a second look, except she caught a glimpse of something
familiar.

Without consciously
making the decision to snoop, she pulled out the photo from a pile of papers.

She’d seen it
before, of course. It was the picture of her and three-month-old Mackenzie,
both of them laughing. The photo Erin had emailed to Seth, when she’d thought
he was out of their lives for good. The one that hadn’t been with the other
pictures of Mackenzie that Erin had found in Seth’s apartment the night
everything changed.

The photo was
worn and a little wrinkled, as if he’d been carrying it around—for three
months.

As she stared
at it, a lump grew in her throat, so large it threatened to strangle her. Somehow,
this felt more significant than if Seth had framed the picture and put it next
to his bed. It had just been stuck in a pile of papers, but Erin wasn’t fool
enough to think it didn’t mean something.

Something
important.

Not just that Seth
liked the picture. But that he carried it around with him. Every day. With his
work. Wherever he went.

Erin tried to
imagine him looking at the picture as he set up his laptop this afternoon. Tried
to imagine what he might think about as he looked at it.

Standing in the
empty bedroom, holding her daughter, Erin was overwhelmed with a wave of emotion—too
nebulous and confusing to name. For a moment she thought she might cry.

But she managed
to swallow over the feeling and quickly returned the photo to its place. Then
she left the bedroom in a rush, feeling like she’d trespassed on something too
intimate, something too private. Somewhere she didn’t belong.

She really
hadn’t intended to snoop.

She saw Seth
had set up the portable bassinet she’d brought with her this weekend in the
room across the hall, so she put Mackenzie down and watched her a few minutes
to make sure she was going to sleep in the strange place.

When she
returned to the dining room, Seth was sitting on an upholstered bench. The
bench was against the wall, but Seth was turned almost sideways on it,
ostensibly to look out the window. His back and shoulders were hunched, and his
head was propped up on his hands.

He looked
burdened, lonely, so sad, and Erin’s heart lurched when she saw him. All of the
emotions that had already risen to the surface from discovering that picture
flooded up helplessly into her chest.

He was Seth Thomas—high-profile,
ever-articulate, ruthless in court, absolutely untouchable.

And Erin wanted
to cradle him. To comfort him.  To protect him from whatever was tearing him
apart today.

She wanted so
much to make him feel better.

Didn’t care
that he’d never asked for her to do so.

Moving across
the room, she stood beside the bench—behind him because of the way he was
positioned—and she placed her hands on his shoulders. “Are you all right?”

Seth
straightened immediately, his face composing itself automatically until it was
characteristically unreadable. “Of course.”

Erin frowned,
knowing very well that he was lying. He sat stiffly on the bench now, still
staring out the window, but it felt like he was shuddering, like he was damaged
beneath her hands. She kneaded his shoulders, just on either side of his neck,
but he jerked away the instant her fingers tightened around his flesh.

“Hey,” she
objected, keeping her voice casual and choosing her words precisely. “Why are
you pulling away? I can’t believe how tight your muscles are.”

Seth became
even tenser as she massaged his shoulders again. This time, he didn’t jerk
away, but his body coiled up painfully. “Erin, I’m fine. You don’t need to do
that.”

“Stop whining,”
she replied blandly, feeling her heart flutter with inexplicable nervousness. Her
fingers squeezed his muscles tentatively, as she waited to see if he’d allow
it. “Why can’t I give you a backrub?”

He would have
risen, but her hands on his shoulder held him down like a weight. “I don’t need
a backrub. I’m not unusually tense. How’s Mackenzie?”

Erin ignored
his objections, intuitively realizing that something was wrong with him and
that he would resist her help unless she insisted. “She’s fine. She’s asleep. And
you
are
tense. Really tense. You’ve given me backrubs before. Why can’t
I give you one now?”

Seth stopped
trying to pull away, but he still hadn’t relaxed. Glancing at her from over his
shoulder, he said, “There is a difference.
I’m
not carrying your child.”

“I suppose I
can’t argue with that, but it’s entirely irrelevant.”

Seth inhaled
sharply when her thumb found a particularly tender spot at the base of his
neck. One of his hands was fisted on his lap, and the other hung down near the
side of the bench.

“How did you
get
this tense?” she asked, working on the tender spot as best she could. After a
moment, he made a choked noise in his throat and then released a textured exhale.

He didn’t
answer her question.

Something was
going on with him today, and she wondered how much of it had to do with the
fact that she’d found him standing beside Mac’s grave.

Mac was one
chance he’d had for family, and he’d blown it.

She and
Mackenzie were one more chance he’d had for family, and he thought he’d blown
that too.

She knew he
wouldn’t really open up to her—at least, not in the way she’d always understood
it. If she pushed him too far, he would close down for good.

But her
shifting moods this evening had coalesced into something deep and powerful and
focused entirely on Seth.

He didn’t have
anyone...except for Erin and Mackenzie. And she wanted to give to him—as much
as he’d given to her.

She couldn’t do
much, so she channeled the need to care for him into her massage.

After a few
minutes of silence, Seth’s muscles began to loosen up beneath the strong
kneading of her fingers. He breathed slower, deeper. Started to lean back into
her hands.

Something about
the feel of his body relaxing beneath her touch affected Erin’s own body.

This wasn’t
about sex. But the fact that she could do this for him—that she could feel the
tangible result of her ministrations through the transformation of his body—was
the most potent sensation she could remember. She felt a warm throbbing develop
inside her—not just between her legs, but everywhere. And the more he relaxed,
the stronger it grew.

She eased Seth
forward some, so she could gain access to the lower part of his back, and her
breath kept hitching as something came alive, quickening inside her.

Her fingers and
palms stroked over the smooth planes of his back and the rippling ridges of his
spine and ribs. His body kept softening at her touch. His skin, even through
the t-shirt, was getting warmer—hotter—as each minute passed. His breathing had
slowed down to a series of long inhales and exhales, which were often no more
than helpless groans.

Finally, she
felt like she might drown in the thick, sensual air of the room.

“Seth,” she
asked, very softly, almost afraid to say anything. “Why did you come out here
today?”

He tensed
slightly. Her hands were low on his back, her fingers curling around his sides,
so she could feel every shift in his body.

Erin gulped,
wondering if she was going too far. This was brand new territory for
her—probably for Seth as well. “Were you thinking about Mac?”

“Obviously.” Seth’s
voice was hard and dry, but somehow she knew the cold anger wasn’t aimed at
her.

She ached for
him so much that she actually felt a little sick. It was so much easier when he
was cool and controlled, much easier than this churning angst he never exposed
to anyone.

But he didn’t
have anyone else, so she was determined to see this through.

She slid her
hands up to his neck again, kneaded the muscles. “Do you want to talk about
it?” she asked carefully, wishing he could just open up, let go, release his
clutching hold on the world.

He sucked in
his breath with a hiss when she stroked her hands up to rub his scalp through
his hair. “No.” His hand was gripping the bench now, so tightly his knuckles
were white.

Then he added,
“But...thank you.”

She didn’t push
anymore. There was no reason to expect such a guarded man to open up so easily,
just because she’d decided to give him a backrub. She’d done what she could for
today.

She would keep
trying.

Erin was still working
on his head when she realized that she’d become rather aroused over the last
few minutes. It had happened unexpectedly and without her conscious knowledge. She’d
been so focused on her emotions—and Seth’s—that she hadn’t noticed her physical
response.

But she
gradually recognized that she was really turned on. She didn’t act on it. She
was trying to help and comfort him—not to satiate any random urges of her own.

Despite
herself, her fingernails scraped lightly against his neck as she slid her hands
back down to his shoulders, feeling the irrational urge to primally mark him.

Without
warning, Seth jerked to his feet. “Thanks. That helped.” Then he left the dining
room abruptly and turned down the hall.

Erin was
stunned and a little hurt by this obvious rebuff, but she followed him, not
knowing what else to do. He’d gone down the hall to check on Mackenzie, who was
still sleeping soundly, and then he ended up in the bedroom, where he was stuffing
a few files back into his leather case.

“Seth?” Erin
murmured, walking up behind him. She twined her arms around him from behind and
pressed her body into his back.

She wanted to
cradle him. Could hardly wrap her mind around the feeling.

“Seth?” She
spoke without thinking, prompted only by waves of tenderness and concern.
“Baby, are you all right?”

He tensed up
even more in front of her, his fingers closing around the top of the desk
chair. “What?” he asked thickly.

Erin furrowed
her brow, more worried than ever at his extreme reaction to her innocent
question. “I just asked if you were all right,” she explained, rubbing his
chest with one of her palms. “I hope I didn’t make anything worse. I just
wanted to help you.”

Seth let out a
breath. “I know. I’m fine.”

She rubbed her
cheek against his t-shirt. “But I don’t think you are. Seth, you’re scaring me
a little.”

“I’m all right.
Really, I am. I understand what you’re trying to do, and I appreciate it.”

He was still
tense, his body shaking almost imperceptibly.

“Then why won’t
you let me help you?” Her question was almost a plea, her own heavy anxiety
from the last week entirely forgotten in the face of his ruthlessly suppressed
need.

Seth took an
odd, shuddering breath. “Because,” he began, each word obviously forced out
unwillingly, “I can’t seem to accept help or comfort...from you...without
turning it into...something else.”

A thick
intensity had entered the room, and for a moment Erin couldn’t understand it.

Then she let
out a long breath of recognition. Recognized the mood from what she’d
experienced in the dining room earlier, before Seth had pulled away. “Oh. I
see.” She slid her hand down the front of his body, past his chest, past his
belly, until she palmed the hard bulge of his groin. “I didn’t realize—”

“I know,” he
interrupted roughly. “I know you weren’t coming on to me. You were being...kind.
I just can’t seem to control the reaction.”

She gently
massaged his erection through the fabric of his pants. “Then don’t. No reason
to control it.”

Seth groaned
and planted his hands firmly on the desk, as if he had to keep them from doing
anything else. “I don’t want you to fuck me out of pity.”

Despite the dark
mood, Erin actually snorted at this. She tried to turn Seth around in her arms,
but he resisted. Stood stiffly, facing the desk.

“Seth,” she
chided, standing on her toes so she could press a kiss on the back of his neck.
“Seth, do you actually think I would fuck you out of pity? I want this too.”

Finally, he
released the desk and turned around, holding himself very carefully. His hot,
aching gaze devoured her face, as if he were desperately searching for some
kind of truth there. “I don’t want to take out my mood on you. I don’t want to
use you that way.”

“You still
don’t understand how this works. You won’t be using me if it’s mutual. I need
this too. I need to feel better too.” Erin’s heart seemed to have risen into
her throat, and her whole being quivered. She wanted him. Wanted to feel him in
every way.

But she was
still kind of scared.

None of the
previous times they’d made love had been anything like this. They’d been hot
and wild and sometimes tender, but never this raw and intense.

Her strongholds
felt treacherously shaky.

“Are you sure?”
Seth asked, his hands dropping down to clench at his sides. “I won’t be very controlled
tonight.”