Nameless (23 page)

Seth shook his
head. “You’re not a different person, and I think crying easily is a common
symptom during pregnancy.”

“It is, so
hopefully it will go away soon. But it still feels like my whole life now is
just about the pumpkin. Just about being pregnant.”

“It just feels
that way now. Give it some time.”

“Very wise and
sensible of you.” Then she gave him a searching look. “
Your
life doesn’t
seem to revolve around her.”

“I believe, for
obvious reasons, you’ve done more bonding with her than I have.”

It was true. For
obvious reasons. But Erin suddenly wanted Seth to have bonded with their
daughter more. She didn’t want to be the only one who was an emotional puddle
on the floor.

So, prompted by
a strange impulse, she murmured, “That’s true. You need to bond with her more.”
She arched her back to stick out her belly. “She’s changing positions now. Do
you want to feel her move?”

Seth gave a
faint shrug. “Thanks for the offer.”

He made no move
to come over and touch her belly.

It bothered Erin
a little. Despite her fears at the beginning of the pregnancy, she now wanted Seth
to really care for the pumpkin. To love her as much as she did. She tried to
suppress this desire—since she realized that he was by necessity distancing
himself, partly because of the ground rules she'd established—but still...

“You know,” she
began lightly. “All the books say that the father is supposed to be bonding
with the baby, even before she’s born.”

He arched an
eyebrow. “Is that right?”

Erin nodded,
her voice taking on a teasing note. “Yes. You’re supposed to be touching her. Talking
to her. Singing to her.”

“
Singing
to her?”

Erin felt the
irresistible urge to giggle. “Yes. Father-daughter bonding, you know.”

“I think I’ll
leave the singing to you.”

 “I don’t sing
to her either. I’d hate to scare her before she’s even born.” She pushed up her
shirt some to expose her bare belly, in order to emphasize her point. “But
don’t you want to talk to her? Introduce yourself. Say hi.”

“No, thank
you.”

“Why won’t you
say hi to the pumpkin? You’ll hurt her feelings.”

Seth chuckled. “Are
you actually trying to guilt me into it?’

About to
respond, Erin suddenly felt a sharp jab in her abdomen.

Then heard Seth
gasp. “Fuck! Did you see that?”

“Hey, watch
your language,” she chided automatically. Then she glanced down at her stomach.
“Did I see what? Oh, did you see my stomach move when she moved around? Yeah,
you can. That was her foot, I think. I can usually tell.”

Seth’s eyes
were shocked and focused unblinkingly at her belly.

Erin waited for
a minute. When the baby didn’t change positions again, she said, “I think that
was all the action for a while. Pretty cool, huh?”

In fact, Erin
wasn’t sure Seth actually thought it was cool. He was looking a little freaked
out.

But she supposed
seeing the baby moving inside her might be a little unnerving. At least, she
hoped that was all it was.

She pulled her
shirt down and glanced down at his feet. “What’s in the bag?” she asked,
deciding she wouldn’t torture him anymore with talk of baby-bonding when he
clearly wasn’t interested.

“Oh,” he said,
reaching down. “Just something I picked up in California. I saw it in a shop
window and thought I’d...”

He handed her
the bag, looking slightly self-conscious.

Curious, Erin
pulled open the bag. Then her mouth dropped as she pulled out the most
beautiful stuffed rabbit she’d ever seen. It must have been handmade, and the
delicate stitching and precise detail of the soft white body, long, floppy
ears, and adorable eyes, mouth, nose, and whiskers weren’t like anything you
could buy at any toy store she'd ever been in.

“Oh, God. It’s
beautiful.”

Seth actually
looked slightly sheepish, as if he were regretting the gesture already. “You’d
mentioned that you were using rabbits in the nursery, so I saw it and thought...”
He finished with another shrug.

“I can’t
believe...” Erin was almost awed by the soft, lovely toy and by whatever had
prompted him to buy it. “It’s perfect.”

He shifted, his
face stiff and uncomfortable. “I’m glad you like it. It wasn’t a big deal.”

It felt like a
big deal to Erin. She sort of hugged it against her. “Thank you. I’m sure the
pumpkin will love it.”

“You really
need to decide on a real name soon. I still can't get over the fact that my
daughter is presently known as the pumpkin.”

Erin scowled,
but without much heat. “I’m working on it. Right now, she feels like the
pumpkin to me. You know, a friend of mine called her son Tater—as in
the
Potato
—until two months after he was born.”

“Well, I
suppose the pumpkin is better than Tater.”

They drifted
into silence, and soon Erin could feel Seth watching her. She had no idea what
he was thinking—he was so often completely unreadable—and thus his careful
scrutiny was unnerving.

She should have
realized that he was simply working on solving what he saw as a problem with
his typical, professional efficiency.

After a minute
or two, he revealed his train of thought by saying abruptly, “You've been
hanging out here by yourself too much. You should go out. Have fun. So you’re
not always just thinking about being pregnant.”

“Yeah. What
would I do? Go clubbing?” She shifted her clunky body in the rocker.

He gave her an
impatient look. “You could go to a movie or something. There’s no reason for
you to sit around and feel like you’re not still yourself. In fact, we could go
to a movie this evening, if you’d like.”

To her
surprise, the idea sounded really appealing to her. Seth was right. Why should
she sit around whenever she wasn't working and obsess about being pregnant? Worry
about the kind of mother she'd be. She used to go out and do things. Why
shouldn't she do so now—occasionally, at least?

She was about
to agree when she noticed Seth rub the bridge of his nose again.

Then she shook
her head. “No. I’d love to, really. But you’re tired and just got back in town.
You should go home and get settled instead of lugging me around to a movie
theater.”

“I’m not that
tired. It would be no trouble.”

Erin smiled,
feeling absurdly touched by the offer. But she knew he really was tired. Even
if she hadn't been able to see it in his eyes, she would still know. There was
no way he would have been so undiplomatic about the nursery—even if he'd hated
it—if he hadn't been exhausted. “No. Maybe some other time.”

Seth stood up. “All
right. What about tomorrow?”

“Okay. If
you’re not busy. Tomorrow would be fine.”

“I’ll call you
tomorrow then. We can go to dinner first.”

Erin didn’t
object. She wasn’t about to say no to free food.

She started to
get up out of the rocker and had some trouble with it at first. Was a little
annoyed with herself as she tried to push herself up, and even more so when Seth
stepped over to help.

Erin couldn’t
wait until she could once more get up out of a chair without thinking about it.

“Thanks again
for the bunny,” she told him. “It’s really beautiful.”

“No problem. I’ll
be going out of town again in a few weeks, so if I see another stuffed rabbit,
I’ll pick up that one too.”

Suddenly, Erin
realized what was going to happen. Seth was going to buy the pumpkin a stuffed
bunny on every trip he made.

Her daughter
was going to end up with the largest stuffed bunny collection in the history of
the world.

***

The next evening, Erin had to
leave the movie before it was over.

She’d had a
great time at dinner. Seth had done his duty and diligently steered the
conversation away from any talk of babies or pregnancy. They talked about
Erin’s work, about books, about Seth’s trip, and about current events.

They hadn’t
said a word about the pumpkin, although Erin had to get up to pee twice during
the meal.

Erin had
dressed up a little. Nothing fancy—just her nicest pair of maternity pants and
the top that made her look least like a tent. It was wine red, with a scooped
neckline, and at least it flattered her abundant cleavage and glowing
complexion. She’d actually put on a little makeup, hoping that would help her
feel more human.

Before the movie
was over, however, her lower back had cramped up painfully, and she couldn’t
sit in the seat any longer.

So she got up
as unobtrusively as she could—which, at her size and awkwardness, wasn’t very
unobtrusive—and then limped to the lobby.

She frowned
when she saw that Seth had followed her immediately. He had his mouth open, no
doubt to ask if she was all right. “Go back,” she said. “I’m fine. My back is
hurting a little, and I had to stand up. No reason for you to miss the end.”

“It doesn’t
matter to me. Do you want to go home?”

Erin considered
for a minute, stretching out her back and trying not to cringe from the tight
pain of it.  “I don’t know. I might be able to go back and see the rest.”

“We can move
around some and then go back if you’d like.”

That was what
she wanted to do. She took a few steps, but when she tried to turn, the spot in
her back cramped up again. “I better not. I think I’d better just go home and put
some ice on it.”

She slumped slightly
as Seth opened the door for her. “Sorry.”

 “Don’t be. It’s
not your fault.”

“I really
wanted to have a normal evening for once.” Erin felt glum and heavy as she
trudged back to the car, and her back was hurting like hell now.

“We did,” Seth
replied, opening the door of his blue car and helping her get in.

When he’d
gotten behind the wheel and turned on the ignition, Erin sighed, rubbing her
belly. “I think I’m ready to be done with being pregnant.”

He smiled as he
pulled out into the street. “Just two more weeks.”

“Yeah,” Erin
agreed, feeling a little excited at the thought. She wasn’t excited about the
thought of going into labor—in fact, it terrified her—but she really wanted to
have her baby.

Then she
remembered something. “Oh, you said you had to go out of town again sometime
soon?”

Seth evidently
knew exactly what she was asking. “I do. Our branch in Seattle has an important
trial scheduled, so the firm is sending me to help. They say they want me to
consult, but I think they just want me to be intimidating. I can’t cancel it, but
it’s not for four more weeks. Your due date is in two. So even if she decides
to come a little late, I’ll still be here for the birth.”

“Oh,” Erin
mumbled, feeling ridiculously relieved. “That’s good.”

She had to stop
this. She had to be careful. She couldn’t get too dependent on Seth. He was an
autonomous being who wasn’t tied to her at all—so she had to remain as
independent as possible and keep her strongholds in place.

But she was
still absurdly glad that he would be here for the birth.

“Thanks for
taking me tonight,” she said, feeling another sensation in her belly—one that
wasn’t relief or fear or even her pumpkin moving around.

“You’re welcome.”

“I really
enjoyed dinner.”

“You certainly
appeared to enjoy it,” he said, his voice mildly teasing.

 “I was hungry.
And dinner was excellent. And so was dessert. But...”

“But what?” This
time, Seth turned to peer at her, as if he were preparing himself for some new
emergency.

“But I think
you need to stop at the grocery store on the way home. I’m hungry again.” She
wasn’t even embarrassed by it. Some things were simply unavoidable.

And at the
moment she needed some food.

“Don’t you have
food at home?”

Erin huffed. “Of
course, I do. But it’s all basic, nutritional food. I need something else at
the moment.”

Chuckling, Seth
didn’t object, and he obediently pulled up in front of the next grocery store
they passed. “I’ll go in,” he offered, as Erin was fumbling around with her
seatbelt. “What do you want? Ice cream?”

“Of course. Chocolate.
No, Rocky Road.”

“Right. Rocky
Road ice cream. I’ll be right back.”

He was about to
get out of the car, when Erin stopped him with an outraged sound. “Wait! That’s
not all.”

He fell back
into his seat and stared at her, an adorable amusement kindling in his eyes. His
face, though, was perfectly serious. “My mistake. What else?”

Erin thought
about this for a minute. “Something salty.”

“Pickles?” he
suggested, cocking an ironic eyebrow at her.

Gasping
indignantly, she glared at him. “Not unless you want me to puke up all the ice
cream.”

“No, thank you.
I think we both had enough of that. No pickles.”

“Dill Pickle
potato chips.”

Seth’s
expression twisted into something both bemused and questioning. “You just said
that pickles—”

“Not the potato
chips,” she said, shaking her head at him impatiently. “Try to keep up.”

He was now
having trouble suppressing his amusement. “Rocky Road ice cream and Dill Pickle
potato chips,” he rehearsed. “Anything else?”

“Maybe some
fruit.” Erin figured she should take advantage of the fact that it was Seth
doing the grocery shopping this evening. “Watermelon, I think.”

Seth’s mouth
was quivering uncontrollably. “Watermelon too. I’ve got it. Anything else?”

She felt like
giggling but didn’t. Just gave him an aggrieved look. “I think that should do
it.”

Before he got
out of the car, he turned back to look at her. “Are you doing this on purpose? Just
to have a little fun at my expense?”