Nameless (25 page)

“No. Of course
not. I’m just saying, you might be just as happy to
not
be there.”

“Erin? Why are
you bringing this up at all? Have you changed your mind?”

“No,” she
insisted, a little louder now. “I just told you. I’m happy for you to be there.
But it’s your choice. Your being there would be for
you
, so that you
could experience her birth. So, if you can’t be there, you’re the one who’ll be
most disappointed. It’s not about me. I’m just saying that it might not be as
disappointing for you as you think.” When she realized she was babbling again,
she bit her lip to stop herself.

“Erin,” he said
again. This time his voice was firm, authoritative. Nothing mild about it at
all. “You have to tell me the truth in this. Do you want me to be there or
not?”

“Well, honestly…”
She paused, tried to sort through her words. She didn’t want to say this. Didn’t
want to
feel
this. It seemed to make her more dependent and less in
control than she’d like to be.

But it was
true, so she may as well admit it out loud.

If she wanted Seth
to be honest with her, then she had to be honest with him.

While she
hesitated, he clenched his jaw and looked away from her.

The gesture
wasn’t encouraging—he seemed to be distancing himself more and more today—but
she plowed on. “Honestly, I’d really like you to be there. If it were up to me.
But it’s not about me. It’s about you. It’s completely your decision, and I
totally understand if you change your mind or if you have to be out of town.”

Seth’s body
seemed to relax, and his fingers loosened around the steering wheel. “I’ll be
there. If I possibly can. The only days I can’t are Thursday or Friday.”

Erin felt a
little better. Things were still confusing between her and Seth—their
precarious balance of understanding and compromise seemed shakier than ever—but
they both clearly wanted him to be at the birth.

Of course, with
her luck, she’d go into labor on Thursday or Friday, since those were the only
days he couldn’t be there.

“Please,” she
silently pleaded, staring down at her stomach. “Please, please, pumpkin, come
before Thursday. Otherwise, your daddy won’t be there.”

As expected, no
reply was forthcoming from her belly.

When they got
to her apartment building and walked in through the main door, she didn’t turn
toward the elevator.

“What are you
doing?” Seth asked. He’d gotten out to walk her up to her apartment, as he
always did.

“I’m going to
walk up the stairs, if you don’t mind walking them with me. It might not help,
but evidently it won’t hurt. At this point, I’m willing to try.”

Seth opened his
mouth, as if he would object. But after studying the expression on her face, he
nodded.

Ten floors
later, Erin was out of breath.

And she still
wasn’t in labor.

***

Two days later, early on
Wednesday evening, Erin collapsed back against the pile of pillows on her bed. “Come
out, come out, come out!” she demanded loudly, glaring down at her still
swollen belly.

Seth chuckled
and lowered himself until he was seated on the edge of the bed beside her. He
looked just as tired and frustrated as Erin felt. “If yelling at her was going
to help, you should have tried it two weeks ago.”

Erin groaned
and stroked her abdomen. “I didn’t mean to yell at her. But why is it taking so
long?”

For the last
two days, she’d done nothing but stress about not going into labor. She knew
that stressing about it was likely only making things worse, but just because
she knew she should relax didn’t mean she was able to. Every hour brought Seth’s
departure closer, and—although she was trying to act like it wasn’t a big
deal—she really didn’t want to have this baby without him.

Nine months
ago, the idea of wanting him there would have been laughable.

But she did. It
felt like they were partners in this, and he’d been with her—more or
less—through the rest of the pregnancy. So, in every vision she had of
delivering this baby, Seth was there too.

But, if it
happened tomorrow or the next day, then he
wouldn’t
be there. He’d be in
Seattle. And Erin needed to start accepting that this was a very real
possibility.

She’d taken
long walks for the last two days. Walked up the stairs more than once. She’d decided
to risk a stomach full of spicy food, but all she’d gotten was heartburn. And
yesterday evening they’d driven outside the city to the bumpiest road Seth could
find. All that had accomplished was to make Erin carsick.

Still no
pumpkin. She just didn’t want to be born.

“I don’t know
of anything else we can do,” Seth murmured, pushing up the sleeves to his dress
shirt. Erin stared at his forearms, looking at the way the tendons flexed as he
moved and at the way each fine hair lay against his skin. “Unless...”

His voice
trailed off, but Erin knew the conclusion to his sentence.

They’d tried
every safe and reasonable method of naturally inducing labor.

Except one.

Erin made a
face. “I guess we can try sex.”

He looked at
her intently. Then shook his head. “There’s no use in doing it unless you’re
comfortable with the idea.”

“It’s not about
not wanting to have sex with you. You know I’m perfectly agreeable to that
under normal circumstances. But I feel so big and awkward, and my body does
weird things now. And my back is kind of hurting—like it always does. I’m just
not sure I could possibly feel sexy and aroused at the moment.”

“Then we
won’t.”

Erin peered at
his face, trying to figure out what he was thinking. It was so frustrating,
sometimes, that he was always so distant and reluctant to articulate his real
opinion. She supposed it was his way of letting her take the lead in this,
which she appreciated in a lot of ways, but sometimes she just wanted to know
his real thoughts. “But you’re leaving early tomorrow morning. This is our last
chance to try, unless she holds out until you come back.”

Seth had
glanced down at his hands, but his eyes shifted up again at her words. “So you
do want to try?”

“Kind of,” she
admitted. “But I’m just not exactly sure how it would work. Honestly, I’m not
even sure how you could...uh...get into it. I mean, look at me.” She gestured
down at herself.

This evening,
she wore a sleeveless cotton dress, since it was the coolest piece of clothing
she owned. Her bare legs were stretched out on the mattress, and the skirt was
bunched up a little under her thighs. “I’m not exactly the stuff of fantasies
at the moment. And my nipples will probably start leaking. And you’ll be lucky
if something weird doesn’t come out of another relevant location. And I have a
lot of pressure down there for obvious reasons, and I haven’t shaved my legs in...I
don’t know how long.” She groaned and gave Seth an ironic look. “Are you
telling me that, even if we wanted to try, you’d be able to get it up?”

Seth gave her a
dry smile. He looked kind of hot and tired himself, but still handsome and
infinitely sexy. Which made Erin feel like even more of a mess. “If you want to
try it, then don’t worry about me. I’ll be able to do what I need to do.”

She gaped at
him for a minute, trying to figure out if he was speaking the truth or just
trying not to hurt her feelings. He didn’t look worried or self-conscious. Nor
had he sounded seductive or persuasive. He’d just spoken the words bluntly,
matter-of-factly.

It was his tone
that convinced Erin that maybe he was telling the truth.

“All right,”
she began, sitting up straighter and trying to work herself up into feeling
sexier. “We can try, if you think you can get hard under these circumstances.”

Seth’s face
changed slightly, and he leaned toward her a little. They met each other’s eyes
for a moment. Something warm and ironic kindled between them.

Then Erin
started to chuckle. “Do you believe we’re actually having this conversation?”

Seth gave a low
laugh in response. “I definitely never imagined having this particular
discussion. No one has ever doubted my virility before.”

“I wasn’t
doubting your virility. More my own ability to
attract
a man’s virility.
At least, right now.”

“Nothing to
worry about.” He leaned over further and then reached out to cup her cheek with
his hand. He had to completely readjust his position before he could get past
her belly in order to kiss her.

But it was nice
when he did. Gentle and soft and almost sweet.

One of his
hands moved from her shoulder down to her breast and then further down the side
of her abdomen, settling in the dip just below her belly.

Erin lifted her
arms until her hands rested on his shoulders. She tightened her grip when his
tongue stroked into her mouth.

They kissed for
a minute or two. Then Erin tried to rearrange herself into a more convenient
position. But her back clenched up slightly when she turned it too suddenly,
and she cried out in surprise, breaking the kiss as she jerked her head away.

Seth withdrew
immediately. “You all right?” He was slightly breathless, but his voice was
still natural.

“Yeah,” she
breathed, stretching her spine. “Just the dumb part of my back that always
cramps up. It’ll be fine.”

Seth started
unbuttoning his shirt, and Erin watched him in silence. Considered moving to
help him, but she didn’t really feel like scooting herself to the edge of the
bed so that she could reach. He pushed the shirt down over his shoulders and
pulled his arms out of the already undone cuffs.

She swallowed
as she gazed at his chest. It was toned and masculine and rippled subtly
whenever he moved.

In comparison,
she felt huge and bloated. Couldn’t imagine what Seth would think if he saw her
naked now. Hoped he wouldn’t change his mind and flee the premises in disgust.

Although she
couldn't really blame him if he did.

Seth took off
his shoes and socks and then pulled his legs up onto the bed so he could scoot
closer to where she was half-sitting, half-reclining.

He kissed her
again. Lightly and briefly this time. Then pushed her hair back from her warm
face. “Is your back all right?”

She nodded, momentarily
speechless. For some reason, he seemed more attractive and unattainable than
usual.

“Well, let’s
try this. We better try spooning again, since I think that will be most comfortable
for me.” She didn’t start to get into position, however. It felt like such a
chore to move herself around, so she stayed sprawled out on the pile of
pillows.

“Sounds good.” One
of his hands was on her bare leg now, and he began pushing up her skirt as he
stroked up the side of her thigh. “You’ll have to tell me what you need and if
anything makes you uncomfortable. I won’t know.”

“I know,” Erin
replied. She tried to concentrate on caressing his shoulders and neck, but she
couldn’t help but focus instead on the feel of his hand, moving higher on her
thigh, pushing up her dress, exposing her body. He was hovering over her,
supported on his knees and one of his hands, and she raised her neck so she
could press a few little kisses along the side of his head—since that was the
only part of his face she could reach.

She didn’t want
this to be a tedious duty for him, so she needed to do her part. Wanted it to
be good for him.

But it was just
so hard to think about turning him on when she felt like this.

As she rubbed
his chest, lowering her hand until it brushed along his lower belly, she said,
“I think maybe I’ll leave my bra on, in case of leakage.”

He straightened
up and looked down at her. “If that’s what you’d prefer. But if we want to accelerate
things—on my part—then it might be a good idea to let me see your breasts.”

Erin gaped at
him again, hardly able to process what he’d just said. When she did, she broke
into inappropriate giggles. “This is the strangest dirty talk I’ve ever heard.”

“You mean that
kind of talk doesn’t turn you on?”

Erin giggled
again.

“I suppose both
of us could loosen up,” he added. He kind of shook himself off.  “You’re still
okay with this?”

“Yeah, but
loosening up is easier said than done. This is very weird.”

A relaxed, amused
Seth was even more attractive than a focused, determined Seth, and now he was
somehow both at once, making her feel even more undesirable than ever.

She knew he was
trying to be supportive and that, under normal circumstances, he enjoyed having
sex with her. But this was different. This couldn’t be more than an unpleasant
obligation for him.

“Here,” she
said, leaning up from the pillows. “My dress zips in the back. Help me get it
off so we can see if it actually accelerates things.”

Seth was
chuckling as he leaned over her, so she could feel his breath waft against her
skin and his body shaking with his laughter as he reached around to unzip her
dress.

When it was
unzipped, she self-consciously pulled her arms out of it and pushed the fabric
down to her waist.

Not that she
had
a waist anymore.

Seth was
watching her quietly, and he showed no reaction when she’d exposed her upper
body to him. Taking a nervous breath, she reached back to unhook the closure on
her bra. Pulled it away from her breasts and hoped he wasn’t going to be
disappointed.

Her breasts
were still fine—although the size and coloring had changed and her veins were
more apparent under her skin. But the enormous belly that stuck out just below
them certainly deemphasized them.

Erin inhaled shakily.

If only he were
less handsome, less confident, less powerful. If only he’d fucked fewer
gorgeous women in his life.