Needing Him (2 page)

“I know there is a lot we still don’t know about each other and this is one of those things.  What I’m going to tell you is something I don’t talk about.  Ever.  It’s something that not even my father or family know.”

He nodded and took a seat next to me on the bed.  I couldn’t tell what he was thinking.  He had a very neutral look on his face, but his body was more relaxed.

“Have you ever heard of Kai Sabata?”

“Yeah, he’s the lead singer of Stars and Lies.”

“Yes.  He’s also a close friend.  I’ve known him since my freshman year in high school.  We became fast friends and have stayed that way through the years.  Six years ago I was at a show of theirs, hanging out backstage with Kai and his drummer, Lee.  We had a few drinks and fooled around.”

“Fooled around as in made out or fooled around as in slept together?”

I didn’t know if that was something that once he found out he would want to stay with me, but I had to tell him.  “Slept together.  Kai and I were never more than friends who fooled around on occasion.  I wasn’t one for relationships before I met you.  Kai would fly into the area for one reason or another and we would have one great night.  I wouldn’t see him for months after that.”

His jaw clenched at my words.  I knew that would bother him, but it wasn’t the biggest bomb I was going to drop.  “When was the last time you slept with him?”

“A year ago.  That was the last time I saw him.”

“Okay, continue.”

“I slept with them both and before you ask that was the first and only time I was with two men at once.  We used protection, but one of the condoms failed.  I ended up pregnant.”

Radek’s eyes squeezed shut and he laid back on the bed.  He threw his arms over his face, completely covering it.  The tears that I had managed to keep at bay began to fall again.  I was losing him, I knew it, but I had to continue.  He needed to know everything if we were going to move forward at all.

My voice was barely above a whisper when I started to speak again.  “The three of us went to the doctor and were told our options.  I wasn’t going to make a decision without either of them since I wasn’t sure whose baby it was.  They stood beside me, being supportive every step of the way.”

“Kasi, please don’t say you have a daughter and never bothered to tell me.”

I was sobbing again.  Full on gasping for air, couldn’t see due to the tears, sobbing.  I felt Radek’s strong arms wrap around my body.  He placed a kiss on my head and I clutched to him like it was the last time he would hold me.  When I began to speak again it was against his chest.  I didn’t it have it in me to lift my head.  The next part was what broke me years ago.  The part I never quite recovered from.

I ignored his statement and started where I left off.  “We made a decision to go ahead with the pregnancy.  I didn’t want to have an abortion.  Kai and Lee agreed.  It was decided that we would find out who the father was once the baby was born.  Only we never got that far.

“Everything had been going well.  We planned on announcing the news after the first trimester had safely passed.  The baby was growing and developing on schedule.  One night, when I was around twelve weeks along, I was sleeping and awoke in terrible pain.  Luckily, Kai was in town.  I called him, he rushed over, and immediately brought me to the hospital.”  I pressed closer to Radek, needing to feel his warmth.

“So no, I don’t have a daughter somewhere with Kai or Lee, but I do have an angel looking over me, or I would like to think so.  I won’t go into details.  It’s something I don’t want to relive.  I lost my baby and a piece of my heart that night.  I was depressed for a long time afterward.  Kai and Lee would stop by and visit when they could, but that was around the same time that their band was taking off and they were in demand.  They both wanted to put the band on the back burner for a bit to stay with me, but I wouldn’t let them.  I leaned a lot on my best friend, Anna, but I could never tell her what happened.  She only knew I was depressed and along with a doctor and some medication, helped me through it.

“It was bad, Radek.  Even going through all of that with Kai, we were never in a relationship.  We determined that we would co-parent, or Lee would, whoever the father was.  Now, Erin is threatening to go public with all of this and it would destroy me.  What would my father or family think of me?  You could end up front page news again for being with me.  I don’t want that.  This is a mess and I don’t know what to do.”

“Kasi, I don’t completely understand why you don’t want anyone to know.”

“Do you remember how you felt when the world found out about you and Erin?  They criticized you for breaking up a marriage.  You were drug through the mud over and over again.  Then years later you meet me and low and behold, more mud.”

“Yeah, that was awful.”

“Right.  Now imagine the darkest, deepest depression.  The bottom of a pit you can’t crawl out of, but somehow, by some miracle you do.  I was able to move on after losing my child, but I never want to be in that pit again.  If the media got ahold of it I would live it again every day.  The agony, the heartache, all over again.”

“I’m sure everyone would understand.  They would be sympathetic to you.  You went through a lot.”

“I don’t want their pity.  I just want to go on with my life and keep this part of myself tucked away from the world.”  More tears fell and I couldn’t stop them.

~ 2 ~

I cried until I had nothing left in me.  Radek kept his arms around me, but didn’t say anything for a few minutes.  His body wasn’t stiff, which I took as a good sign, although him not speaking worried me.  We had to pack and fly home.

I sniffled a few times and pulled away from him.  I stood and grabbed my suitcase.  He watched me and stood to do the same.  We didn’t talk at all.  I was shaking as I packed my clothes.

We said goodbye to my dad and Karen, wishing them safe travels for their honeymoon and climbed into the waiting SUV.  I kept my eyes focused on the passing landscape on the way to the airport.  About halfway there I felt Radek’s warm hand wrap around mine and squeeze it gently.  I looked over into his eyes and could see his concern.  My bottom lip started to tremble and I forcibly held back more tears.

My pilot, my love, the man who I had now let into every part of me, unbuckled his seatbelt and slid over next to me.  He pulled me into his body and rubbed my back.  I didn’t know if that meant we were okay and was too afraid to ask.  If he told me we weren’t I would completely fall apart.

We arrived at the airport and met Natalie, the flight attendant, and Rob, my co-pilot, at the bottom of the stairs to my jet.  Natalie had worn her red hair in a ponytail, as she usually did, and was all smiles when we got near.  Rob seemed to sense something was off with me.  I saw his brows furrow over his hazel eyes, but he didn’t say anything.  Instead, he raked a hand through his short, wavy brown hair.

Radek held my hand as we approached, but released it so we could climb the stairs.  He placed a quick kiss on my lips before turning to go to the cockpit.  While the kiss might have been an indication that things were all right between us, I knew better.  To me, that kiss was more of a reassurance to let me know he was still there and to carry me through the flight home so I wouldn’t worry.  I knew he loved me, but after what I said, I didn’t know what he was thinking.  We needed to talk when we got home, that much I was sure of.

The flight took off and landed without incident.  It was smooth as usual.  I sat most of the flight with my earbuds in, listening to music, but not really hearing it.  My mind kept drifting to what happened six years ago even if I didn’t want it to.

When the plane was safely stopped I started gathering my belongings.  I was sad and knew if I kept on that train of thought the sadness would turn into depression.  Not wanting that, I decided that I needed to hold my head high and stop dwelling on the past.  There was nothing I could do to change it.  I wasn’t going to let depression suck me under again.

Radek emerged from the cockpit, thanked Natalie, shook hands with Rob, and came to stand by my side.  I noticed Rob come to stand beside me as well.  He was taller than me and had wide shoulders.  He appeared more football player rather than pilot to me.  Radek actually took a step back and said he would meet me at the bottom of the steps.  I was surprised.  Normally the jealous side of him went into action when Rob was around.

“Kasi, are you all right?” The concern in Rob’s voice and on his face almost made me crumble again.  No, not going to happen.

I wasn’t able to plaster on a fake smile though.  “No, I’m not, but I hope I will be.  There is a lot going on that I need to deal with.”  I placed my hand on his arm and said, “I’ll be okay, eventually.  You don’t have to worry about me.”

He turned his head to look out of the plane’s window and I followed suit.  I could see my pilot standing on the tarmac, looking off into the distance.  “Did he do something to hurt you?”

“No, not at all.  It’s just something we need to work through.  I’m sorry I can’t go into more detail, but this is between Radek and I.”

“I’m here for you.  For anything you need.”

“I know, Rob.  You have no idea how much I appreciate you saying that right now.”  He nodded, kissed the top of my head, and grabbed Natalie’s hand to exit the jet after I thanked them and said my goodbyes.  They had met on one of my flights and became an item.

Walking down the steps, Radek turned to face me.  He seemed upset, but not angry.  As soon as my feet hit the pavement I stopped.  I didn’t know what he was thinking and wasn’t sure how to proceed.  Did I ask him to come back to my house with me so we could talk?  He was the one that drove us to the small private airport that was an hour from my home.   Originally, we had planned on stopping by his apartment quick when we got back so he could gather more clothes and then he was going to stay with me for a few days.  That had always been our normal routine.  He rarely slept at his apartment.  If he wasn’t going to come back home with me I needed to call a cab or a car service to pick me up.

He took a few steps forward until he was standing directly in front of me.  My eyes dropped to the ground, I couldn’t look at him for fear that he was going to end our relationship.  I was too worried that he now thought differently about me.  I felt vulnerable and like my wounds were raw and open again.

He didn’t touch me, but his voice was strong and firm when he spoke.  “Kasi, look at me.”

Slowly, very slowly, I dragged my gaze up to meet his.  My lip started to tremble even though I was yelling at myself internally not to cry again.

“We are fine, baby,” he said.  “Please stop crying.  I just needed time to think and process everything you told me.  I’m sorry you went through that back then.  I’m sorry that Erin is being the world’s biggest bitch and threatening to go public with something very private and heartbreaking for you.  We will figure it out.”

He reached out and pulled me to him.  Bringing my arms around his back to grip him tight, I buried my face in his chest.  A few tears slid down my cheeks.  I was grateful that was all that broke free.  He rubbed my back and told me it was going to be all right.  I wished I could believe him.  I didn’t think it was going to be all right.  In fact, I had a horrible, heavy feeling in my stomach like I was waiting for my world to come crashing down around me.

Pulling back, he used his thumbs to brush the tears from my face and put his arm across my shoulders to walk us to his truck.  Once he helped me inside, I took a deep breath.  We were okay, he was still with me and said we would figure it out.  I needed to keep repeating his words in my head to calm myself down.

I was worried about everything.  I didn’t want that information coming out, but there was a tiny part of me that wondered if it was for the best if it did go public.  Maybe I would feel like a weight had been lifted, but the sadness would overtake me again.  On the other hand, people would either pity me or label me as a whore for sleeping with two men at once.  I wasn’t a whore and never saw anything wrong with having more than one partner, but the public view was different.  Not everyone had an open mind.

We drove to Radek’s apartment and I waited in the truck while he went inside.  He came out with a small duffle bag.  Throwing it in the back seat, he hopped back inside and said, “I checked my messages while I was in the apartment.  I have another job in three days.  I’m going to stay with you until I have to leave.”

I nodded.  “Can we get Ace tomorrow?  I want it just to be us tonight.”

“Sure, whatever you want.”

He put the truck in gear and we started our drive back to my house.  I texted Aubrey, my friend whom I was in business with, and asked if she could keep Ace one more night.  Ace was my German Shepherd that was being boarded at the business I had with her, K&A K-9.  She texted back quickly and said that was fine.

Pulling up to my gated driveway, we went through and started up the winding hill.  I took in my surroundings and noticed the leaves had all turned colors and were falling.  October was one of my favorite months of the year.  The air turned cooler and the leaves turned gorgeous shades of red and orange.

Once we reached the house, we took our bags out of Radek’s jacked-up, black Ford F-250 and went inside.  My housekeeper had been there while I was away.  I loved coming back to a clean home.  Not that it really got dirty while no one was there, but it could get dusty.

Dropping my bag at the base of the stairs, I went to the kitchen and dug out a bottle of tequila.  One shot, I needed one or maybe ten, to help calm my nerves.  I found a shot glass and poured the golden liquid into it.  Deciding to forgo the lime wedge and salt, I threw the shot back and felt it burn all the way down my throat.

Placing the glass back on the counter, I looked over to see Radek staring at me with a quirked eyebrow.  “Feeling better?” he asked.

“Nope, but I hope to soon.”  I downed two more shots quickly.  That should help.

“I have an idea that will help you.”

He stalked toward me, heat building in his eyes.  I craved the connection my pilot and I had when we made love.  I needed it like my next breath.