Needing Him (6 page)

“You know him best.  Does that sound like something he would do?”

“If you would have asked me that question a week ago I would have said no way, but now, who the hell knows.”

“I’m sorry.”

Tattooed arms engulfed me in a hug.  I really didn’t want to cry anymore, but it seemed every time I was hugged the tears started flowing.  Pulling back, I looked down at Kai’s arms and noticed a part of his tattoo sleeve that I never had before.  Blended in with the rest of his artwork was a date.  To be more specific, the date I had lost the baby.  My hand flew to my mouth and I let out a muffled sob.

His finger went under my chin, lifting my head to look into my eyes.  “I told you that you weren’t alone.  Lee and I were both upset when you lost the baby.  We will never forget.”

Nodding, I leaned back into him.  With all that I went through losing the baby, Kai and Lee gave me strength and support.  They never showed an ounce of pain.  I knew then they did that for me.  They didn’t want to appear upset, because it would have only made me worse.  Kai knew me so well.

The guys would be leaving soon and I would be alone again.  I wasn’t looking forward to it and was actually afraid.  Dwelling on that fact wouldn’t do anything for me though.  I needed to enjoy what little time I had left with my friends.

I told them how pictures of the three of us were all over the internet and people had already jumped to the conclusion that Radek and I had split when they saw the pics of him with Erin.  I was back to looking like a whore bouncing from guy to guy.  The media was an ever present thorn in my fucking side.

Time flew by and it was my last night with the guys.  Lee had gone to the grocery store causing quite a crowd.  He said there was media outside of my gate and the store had been full of screaming girls.  Not ones that had followed him or knew he’d be there.  Ones that were shopping with their families and couldn’t believe he was walking around the store buying stuff like a regular guy.  He was only there to buy a few items, but had been gone two hours.

He made dinner for the three of us, then we all went to the living room to watch a movie.  The movie was almost over when I heard light snoring coming from the end of the couch.  Even with his mohawk, Lee looked like a gentle giant.  I watched his chest rise and fall with each breath.  Lips parted, eyes fluttering, I was really going to miss him.

The movie ended and I shut the television off.  Kai stood, reaching for my hand.  I gladly accepted.  Ace took the opportunity to jump onto the couch and curl up beside Lee.  Traitor.

Walking upstairs, I tried to let go of Kai’s hand, but he wouldn’t let me.  He kept my hand in a tight grip.  When we stopped at my door he asked if he could come in.  “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

“Just to talk, nothing more.  All I want to do is talk.”

I nodded and we went inside.  There wasn’t seating in my bedroom, only the bed.  Telling Kai to have a seat there, I walked to the master bath with a pair of leggings and a t-shirt.  If I was going to sit on my bed I wanted to be comfortable.

Slipping the soft pink, cotton shirt over my head and black leggings up over my butt, I brushed my hair and teeth.  I planned on passing out as soon as Kai left for bed.

When I emerged from the bathroom I saw him relaxing on my bed.  He was doing something on his phone, but the second he heard me he put it down.  Laying back, head on one of my pillows, he was every girl's dream, except mine.  Instead, he was one of my closest friends and someone I would go to the end of the earth for.

I slid under the sheets and faced him.  He stayed on top and I was grateful.  I didn’t want him to think anything would be happening between us.  To some it might have seemed odd to lay in bed with him, but we had done it on and off since we’d met each other.  Many a night was spent talking until the early morning hours.  Neither of our parents cared.  They knew there was nothing between us.  Shit, if there was it would have been very easy to hide.

My pillow was soft and formed to my head as I laid down.  One arm was underneath the pillow and the other laid loose in front of me.  Kai mimicked my position and his mouth lifted in a smile.

He was the first to speak.  “I’m going to miss you.  Being with you again is like old times.  We always had fun together.”

“Yeah, I miss you when you’re not around.”

He reached over and took my hand in his, rubbing his thumb over the back, and his smile fell slightly.  “Kasi, I meant what I said.  I love you.”  I was going to stop him, but thought maybe we needed to get it all out in the open.  He looked down at our hands and let out a long sigh.  “I’ve loved you for so long.  I’ve tried to date, but no one measures up.  I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you sooner.  I didn’t have the courage to, but being here with you again, I knew I had to confess.”  His eyes met mine again.  “I would treat you like a queen.”

I reached out and brushed my thumb along his cheekbone, feeling the slight stubble that had grown since the morning.  He placed his hand over mine and closed his eyes.  “Kai, you are one of my best friends and we’ve been through a lot together.  I love you, but not in the same way you love me.  I’m sorry.  I never want to hurt you, but I need to be honest.  You mean so much to me and the fact that you and Lee were here this week, I...” and the tears were back.  “I don’t know what I would have done without you two.”

“I feel like it’s partly my fault that he left you.  If we weren’t here you would still be happy.”

“No, you don’t know that.  Maybe he was looking for a reason to break up with me since the call from Erin.  I mean, how the fuck do you explain him flying to California after leaving me?  He was seen with that bitch, knowing what she was doing to me.  He’s probably out there fucking her right now.”

“I by no means want to push you toward him, but you don’t know what his reasoning is for being with her.  It could all be very innocent.”

“Yeah, sure.”  I highly doubted that Radek was paying Erin a cordial visit to discuss the weather or going to dinner to enjoy a fine wine.  No way.  She might be the world’s biggest bitch, but she is drop dead gorgeous.

He spoke again, pulling me from my angry thoughts.  “I want you to know that if you ever want more than friendship with me, I’ll be here.  Oh and the occasional fuck isn’t off the table either,” he said with a wink.

Laughing, I took my hand from his and pushed at his shoulder.  He reached around my back, pulling me into him.  His forehead touched mine and his familiar scent drifted toward me.  Our bodies were close.  He shifted, bringing his flush against mine.  Only the sheet was separating us.  I could feel how hard he was against my body.

“Kai,” I whispered a second before his lips gently brushed over mine.  I didn’t pull back even though I knew I should have.  His lips pressed down a little more, his tongue sweeping at the seam of my lips.  I opened and granted him access to my mouth.  He was familiar, someone I had kissed countless times.  When our tongues touched he moaned and pulled me even closer.

No, this was wrong.  I couldn’t lead him on.  I had to stop it.  Pulling my lips from his, I laid with my eyes closed for a second.  I didn’t want to hurt him.  God, I never wanted to hurt him.

A stray tear slid slowly down my cheek.  His warm hand caught it and brushed it away.  “Kai, we can’t do this.  I’m sorry.  You mean so much to me, but I can’t.  I’m still in love with Radek, even if my heart is broken in a million pieces.”

With a soft voice he said, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.”

His eyes shut tight, the edges creasing.  When he opened them again I could see the unshed tears glistening, waiting to fall.  I didn’t know it was possible, but my heart broke even more.  He deserved someone who would worship him and be his equal at the same time.  Someone who would love him like I loved Radek.  I was hurting him and further hurting myself at the same time.

He took a deep breath and dropped the arm that was around my back.  “I’m going to go to bed.  We have an early flight in the morning.”

I grabbed onto him, sniffling as I spoke.  “No, please.  Stay with me.  I don’t want you to leave yet.  I’m not ready for you to go.  We can’t be more than friends right now, but I’m not ready to say goodbye.”

He nodded and pulled me close again.  This time hugging me tight, his chin resting on the top of my head.  I felt like I was losing two of the most important people in my life in the same week.  Once Kai walked out of my front door I didn’t think we’d ever be the same.

When you hurt someone, intentionally or not, the pain lingers.  You could feel it non-stop or maybe it would only appear when something reminded you of the one who hurt you.  Only time could attempt to heal the pain.

~ 7 ~

Warm sun heated my face, waking me to a new day.  Kai and Lee had left the day before and it was hard for me to let them go.  I really wanted the guys to stay, but they had to return to being rock stars.  Somehow I was able to hold it together up until the last hugs were given.  First Lee squeezed me tight, promising to kick anyone’s ass who ever harms me, then it was Kai’s turn.

We embraced and my tears broke free.  I was going to miss him a whole hell of a lot.  Maybe in another life we were fated, but in this one he was only my best friend, nothing more.  I hated the pain in his eyes when we separated.  The worst part was knowing I was the one who put it there.  I would never want to lead him on, so there was no other choice.  Kai needed to find his soulmate with someone else.

Lee never asked, while he was at my house at least, what happened between the two of us and I didn’t offer it up.  I’m sure Kai would eventually fill him in on the details.

Trying to fall asleep last night was hard.  I was left with Ace and no one else.  Visions of all of the awful things that had happened to me since my father’s wedding kept bouncing around my head.  I was lost in a sea of 'what if I did this differently,' or 'what if that never happened.'  It was of no use though.  Every event did happen and I was sure it did for a reason.

I am a firm believer in fate.  No we don’t always know why something occurs in our lives, but we don’t get to see the bigger picture until long after.  Fate has plans for us all.  Some fight it even though they end up losing.  Others give in and decide to let their lives go where they may.

I was normally the kind of person that was along for the ride.  I always knew my life held a greater purpose other than being the child of wealthy father.  When I found Aubrey and we built our business I finally felt like I did something with meaning.

Things were going good for me and I was happy, but then I met Radek.  What I thought was happiness before him wasn’t anything in comparison to the way I felt once we were together.  When he told me he loved me, I felt like I was on top of the world.  I thanked fate for bringing him into my life and putting our paths on a direct hit with one another.  Then he broke my heart.  I cursed fate for doing that to me.  Why did it have to be such a fickle bitch?

Every single thing that happened in my life lead me to where I currently was.  Lying in bed, a German Shepherd at my feet, and a painful ache in my chest that I was unsure if it would ever go away.

After all of the pictures of me with the guys and Radek with Erin had made their way to every social media site known to man, I stayed off of the internet.  The last thing I wanted to see was a picture of Radek with the one woman I hated above all others.

Even after Kara told me about it I didn’t look.  I couldn’t.  Seeing the picture wouldn’t do anything but hurt me further and I’d had enough pain to last a lifetime.  I didn’t want any more.

I finally dragged my ass out of bed and decided I needed to escape for a few days.  After making some calls, I packed a bag for Ace and one for myself.  I loaded everything into the Jeep, including my dog, and headed out.

My house was full of too many memories I didn’t want to deal with.  Every place Radek and I had had sex, where he held me and loved me, where he pushed me to my limits sexually and made me scream out his name in love and passion, and where he gutted me in my driveway.

Now Kai was part of those bad memories as well.  My bed still smelled like him from where he had laid.  The bed where I broke his heart.  The bed where I turned down a man who deserved far better than me.

The SUV wound down the driveway only stopping to wait for the gates to open.  A handful of paparazzi were outside taking pictures and trying to get me to speak.  I ignored them and left without a single word.  I didn’t even roll down the windows so Ace could bark.  My Jeep was locked up tight.

My first stop was K&A K-9 to drop off Ace.  He was ecstatic when he realized where we were.  Once he jumped out of my SUV it took all of my strength to hold onto him.  Pushing open the front door, I was met with the familiar barks of twenty or so dogs.  Little dogs mostly.  The bigger ones must have been outside for play time.

One of the employees took Ace’s belongings from me, food and all, to store it with the rest of the dogs being boarded.  I took my boy out back so he could romp and play.

Aubrey was standing there throwing balls with a huge smile on her face.  She sprinted over to me.  “Kasi, so good to see you.  How have you been?”

Either she didn’t know what had happened between Radek and I or chose to avoid discussing it.  I was grateful regardless.  “Fine, just wanting to get away for a bit and visit a friend.”

“Have a great time.  I’ll make sure Ace is well taken care of.”

“I know you will.  If you need anything or if something comes up just call.  I’ll still be nearby.”

“Okay, sounds good.”

We hugged briefly before I left.  Ace was having a great time so I decided to let him be and slip out when he wasn’t looking.

Back in my Jeep, I drove to Anna’s house.  She was another one of my best friends and someone I didn’t spend nearly enough time with.  I had called her to see if she would mind having a house guest for a few days.  She yelled and told me to get my ass over to her place as soon as possible.

Anna didn’t live far from me, but both of our lives were busy, making it difficult to see one another.  She had a baby girl that consumed all of her free time and I had to admit I was jealous of the life she had.