Needing You (14 page)

Before I know it, I am thinking of all the good things about my sister and how we were so close. I think of the times we danced around the room, singing into our hairbrushes like they were microphones. 

After the happy memories, I can feel the tears rolling down my cheeks, and as much as I miss her I am mad at her too because she made the decision to leave me.  She left me in that hell that was supposed to be called a home. 

I’m crying for her and the shame I feel for not knowing and I’m also crying for myself because no one should have to live in a house like that. If I could go back, I would make things different and my sister would still be here living her life, enjoying life, not being buried six feet underground. Eventually I cry so much, I end up crying myself to sleep.

Chapter 16

The next few weeks fly by, which is not surprising, considering I’m busy with school, work, and time with Tucker. We hang out a few times but he’s been busy with work a bit more than me. So times I don’t see him, I keep up with my running and reading novels. I haven’t had a nightmare in a while which is great, but the thoughts of what happened keep running through my head, which is worse than the damn nightmares.  I walk around campus at times and feel like I see my sister standing somewhere; hell, I thought I even saw my father. I freaked out, and then realized it wasn’t him. It didn’t help much though, so before I know it, I’m running home and locking myself into my dorm room crying to myself.  I’m starting to think I need to start seeing a therapist again. 

Tucker and I haven’t talked more about our pasts, so he doesn’t know that I’m losing my mind, thinking that I’m seeing my dead sister or my crazy father around campus.  I won’t tell anyone though because they will think I’m nuts. 

Today has been an okay day so far. I’m meeting Tuck for lunch and my afternoon class is cancelled so I get to do whatever.  Tucker works tonight so I won’t be hanging out with him.  I have plenty of homework that can occupy my time. 

When my class is over, I head out and Tucker is waiting for me to walk to the café for lunch.  I can’t help the ridiculous smile on my face. “Hey!”

“Hey, ready to eat?” He asks.

“Starving, let’s go!” I say practically dragging him along.

We make small chitchat to the café and head inside to a booth. We order our burgers and drinks and wait for our food to come.

“So, what are your plans for this weekend?” he asks a bit nervously, which is odd.

“Umm, working like always,” I say laughing.

“You work at night though, so how about the early afternoon plans?” He says, with a devilish look on his face.

Oh, he’s up to something!

“Probably nothing,” I say, why, what’s up?” I ask.

“Will you join me for an afternoon matinee?” he asks all sweetly.

Is this a date….is Tucker Price asking me on a freaking date?  Holy crap, the somersaults are going crazy in my stomach.

“Sure, what movie did you have in mind?” I ask excitedly.

“Oh that’s a surprise; you’re just going to have to trust me,” he says with a sexy smirk on his face.

“Sounds good to me!” gosh, I’m such a girly girl right now.

As I’m smiling like crazy, I look out the window and feel my face go pale.  I shut my eyes real quick and tell myself it’s not my sister, she’s dead. It’s not her.  As much as I want to run to her and hug her, I know it’s not her and I would look like a crazy person hugging a stranger.  I open my eyes when I feel a hand touch my hand.

“Hey are you okay Harp? What happened?” he asks in a concerned tone.

“Nothing, it was nothing, sorry. I just thought I saw someone,” I say quickly.

“Are you sure? You know you can talk to me,” he says looking into my eyes showing he cares.

“I know and thank you, but I’m okay, honestly.”

Luckily, I don’t have to say anything because the waitress comes with our food.  Even though I see Tuck look at me with concern in his eyes, he doesn’t say anything and I dig into my food, so I don’t have to answer anything.  He takes the hint and starts eating his burger too.  We eat in silence and when we finish, he has to get ready to go to class.

I walk him to his class this time and we have a normal conversation.  I’m thankful Tucker doesn’t bring up what happened in the café, but I know he will eventually.  I decide when I get back to the dorm; I am going to look for a therapist.

I say good-bye to Tuck and start heading back to my dorm.  I pass a bunch of college kids throwing footballs and Frisbees, laughing and joking around.  As much as I wish I had that many friends, I know I wouldn’t feel comfortable around them, not anymore.  The old me, the me before my sister died would have lived it up, but once she died, I became the shell of the person I used to be.  I will admit I have come a long way, even just being friends with Tuck, but having one friend and a group of friends are two different things. I feel safe with Tucker, which says a lot.

I keep walking in the direction of my dorm and I swear I hear my name, I turn, but I don’t see anyone.  I keep hearing it though, so I’m looking all around and there’s no one there. Now, I’m just being paranoid. First I think I saw Allie and now I’m hearing her call my name. I can feel the tears start to swell up in my eyes and I run the rest of the way home and lock myself into my dorm and just cry.  This cannot be happening to me. Why now? Things were going well.

After my crying fit, I rip open my laptop and search for shrinks.  I call every one of them and take the one that can see me the earliest. My appointment is Monday, thank God.  I hope she can tell me what is happening to me and why.

The rest of the week goes by fast thank goodness and my shift at PowerTrip’s is over before I know it.  The night was a karaoke night, so it was entertaining to watch.  Tucker walked me home which was nice. When we get to my dorm he says goodnight and I try to tell him he can stay, but he says I need to get my rest for our afternoon of hanging out and going to the movies.  I so freaking excited.  I have never been asked to go to the movies with a guy. I know I’m pretty pathetic right? I’m eighteen years old and never went on a movie date. Oh well, I’m glad I’m going with Tucker. 

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Tucker is at my dorm at noon, so we head out and grab a bite to eat before heading to the movies.  I can’t help the butterflies that are flying around in my stomach.  A date with Tucker, a freaking date! I’m so excited, but a bit nervous at the same time.

After lunch, we hop into Tucker’s car and he heads in the direction of the theater. “So what movie are we going to see?” I ask all giddy

“Well, I’m going to let you pick, would you rather a comedy or a chick flick?” he asks with a smile on his lips.

I burst out laughing, “Seriously Tucker, a chick flick and you?”

“Well it’s not on the top of my list, but I would suffer through it if I have to,” he says, still smiling in my direction.

“The comedy one works for me,” I say and flash a smile to him.

“Thank God,” he says laughing.

We pull into the theater a few minutes later and get out and walk to the front doors.

Tuck purchases our tickets and asks if I want snacks for the movie.  I decline because I am still stuffed from lunch. He doesn’t want anything either, so we head towards the theater that’s showing the movie we are here to see.

He holds the door for me to go in first, “Where would you like to sit?” he asks with a small laugh, because the theater is almost empty.

“Let’s sit near the back,” I say with a smile.

“Oh, so we can make out like crazy teenagers?” he says with a laugh. “Lead the way.”

All I could do was laugh with him. But damn, if that idea didn’t sound great.  I was nervous and excited again because the thought of kissing this man is driving me nuts. 

We sit in the second row to the back, in the middle of the row, so we were sitting in the middle of the screen, perfect seats.

As much as it drives me nuts that we haven’t done anything, part of me is worried because I’m inexperienced. I may not be a virgin, but I haven’t had a lot of experience either.  Unfortunately, Tucker has never made a move on me which makes me believe he doesn’t feel that way towards me, but the way he looks at me, says otherwise. As much as I would love to make the first move, I know I’m too chicken to do anything.

We sit in the seats and talk for a few minutes before the previews start and after they start, we both go quiet.  It feels nice sitting here with Tuck watching a movie together.  I mean I know we’ve done this in my dorm room but it’s different, we’re in public now.

Tuck tells me to come here, so I lean into him and he puts his arm around my shoulders and we sit like this for a good part of the movie. The movie is hilarious, though I knew it would be, because anything with Adam Sandler screams funny.  Before I realize it, after laughing, I place my hand on Tucker’s thigh and he stiffens beneath my hand.
Crap, did I do something wrong? Double crap.

“Sorry,” I say while removing my hand.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” he says with a smile as he puts my hand back on his thigh and squeezes me tighter to his side.

Tucker is the first guy, well the only guy, I have allowed myself to get close to and it feels comfortable.  As sexy as Tucker is, I know I’m not good enough for him.  He’s gorgeous and though I’m not ugly, there are lots of girls that are much prettier than I am.  But today, I decide not to dwell on that and just enjoy my time with him.

We laugh so hard during different spots in the movie and gosh, it feels good to laugh like this.  For a few minutes I think this is what it feels like for normal people my age, if only I was normal like most kids my age.  Not the broken, shredded, torn to pieces self that unfortunately I am. I’m working on it though, that’s why I moved away, for a new start, a fresh start and for a new and improved me!

By the time we leave the theater, it’s only going on 3 p.m. Which is nice, we still have the whole day ahead of us.

“So what would you like to do now?” He asks as we walk towards the car.

I decide to grow a pair of lady balls, “Hmm…I’m not sure about that make-out thing you mentioned, that didn’t happen in the theater?” I say with a sly smile.

The look on Tucker’s face is priceless and I cannot help but laugh a full out belly laugh. 

“Seriously Tucker, the look on your face is priceless,” I say through laughter. 

Tuck gets all serious and looks me deep in my eyes making me stop laughing immediately. “Harp, there are times I can’t tell whether you’re being serious or kidding, and this is one of them.  You surprise the hell out of me,” he says looking shocked and serious.

Was I serious, yes! Can I tell him that though…NO. So I stand here looking at him dumbstruck.  Obviously he can tell, because he says “let’s go” with a smile and leads me to the car and opens my door for me.  Gosh, why couldn’t I just say yes, kiss me damn it? Ugh, I frustrate myself sometimes.

On the drive back to my dorm it’s eerily quiet and I finally find the guts, “Tuck, I was serious back there,” I say in a shy, quiet voice. Tucker’s head whips so fast in my direction; his eyes are piercing into mine. It feels like he can see into my soul with that look.  Whoa!

“Good to know,” is his only response. Then he turns his eyes back to the road and drives us the rest of the way back. The rest of the ride is silent. Damn it, I messed this up.  He doesn’t feel anything, ugh, why do I do this to myself?  Tuck is the closest friend that I have and here I go messing it all up.

By the time he pulls into a parking spot outside my dorm, I am beyond embarrassed. I can feel my face heat up and I want to kick myself.

I open the door and get out before Tuck can even turn the car off.  I know I have to say something, but I’m not sure what.  He gets out of the car and is piercing me with those sexy deviled brown eyes again, damn him.  I finally find the nerve, “Look Tuck, I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said that to you. You obviously don’t feel that way about me and I was wrong to say what I did.”

Before I can get the rest of the words out of my mouth, Tuck is standing directly in front of me.  He’s looking at me with those deep gorgeous brown eyes while lifting my chin up towards him, “Harper, do not assume you know what I think or feel about you. I will tell you this….when I do kiss you, it will be when you are ready for it and we aren’t there yet.”  He then kisses me on my forehead.

Why aren’t we there yet…I want to ask him, but the words don’t come out of my mouth.  Instead I clamp my mouth shut and lead him up to my dorm.  We head inside and sit down on the couch, Tucker on one end me on the other. 

“Okay Harp, there’s some things we need to clear up,” he says. I nod my head and he continues, “I’ve already told you that I like you, I more than like you, but we need to get to know each other better if anything is going to work between us.  The last thing we need is to jump into something and then you go running because you’re scared,” he says looking at me intently.

Damn this man knows me, too well in fact. “You’re right,” is all I squeak out.

“We do know a bit about each other, but I want to know everything about you Harp before I learn everything about your body.  I want to know the good, the bad, and the ugly baby, before we do anything.”

The look on my face must tell him everything because clearly, what my head is thinking is if you knew about me, you wouldn’t be here for long. But I don’t say it. Next thing I know, Tucker is lifting my chin to look him in the eyes and says, “Don’t worry; there’s nothing you could say that is going to make me runaway.” He then proceeds to kiss me on my forehead again.

I wish I could feel as confident as Tucker sounds, but he has no idea what my past consists of, so he very well could leave.

“What time do you need to be at work tonight?” Tucker asks while checking the time.

“At 8 p.m.”

“Well it is only 3:30 p.m., we have some time yet,” he says with a smile on his face.

“We sure do, what would you like to do?” I ask with a smile on my face.

“I think we should get continue to get to know each other. I told you, I want to know everything about you and I mean it,” he says sternly and then continues, “How about we start with either your mom and dad or your sister?”