Needing You (15 page)

“Tucker, there’s not much to say, my sister’s dead and I don’t talk to my parents anymore, neither of them,” I say with an exasperated tone.

“Harp, I want to know why…why you don’t want to talk to your parents and what happened to your sister. I get it’s not going to be easy, but I am here for you, you need to trust me,” he says looking at me longingly.

I take a deep breath, “My sister, Allie, died three years ago. My sister took her own life because she couldn’t handle what happened to her.” I can feel the tears stinging the back of my eyes and I know I’ll be crying soon, but I continue. “I didn’t know what happened, but I knew something changed in her because she wasn’t her old normal self. I should have known, I should have figured it out.”  Now, I have tears rolling down my cheeks.

“Come here,” Tucker says as he pulls me into a hug. “Harp, whatever it is that changed was not your fault.  Clearly your sister didn’t tell you, but it’s not your fault that you didn’t know something was wrong.”

He wipes the tears away that are rolling down my cheeks and the look on his face shows a look of concern, but also of compassion.

I finally find the strength to continue, “My sister was raped over and over again. It went on for about two and a half years. I should have known, instead, I found out after she died by reading her journal.  I read about the horrible days and details of what happened to her and I felt her pain through her pages and pages of words.”  I can feel Tuck stiffen by the words I just told him.

“Harp, you can’t punish yourself because you didn’t know or didn’t figure it out, it’s not healthy. It’s also not your fault,” he says again.

I can’t stop crying, but Tucker is just holding me and comforting me. It feels nice in his arms, but God, I hate talking about my past, all parts of my past and we haven’t even touched a quarter of the shit from my past.

“Tucker, can we stop for now, I need to go to work in a few hours and I honestly don’t want to deal with my past right now?” I ask through my silent tears.

“Of course, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to bring it up and upset you,” he says sweetly.

He turns on the television and puts a show on and I’m just snuggled into his side and eventually my tears stop. I hate the weight of what happened in my family to bring me down, but it always will. I also hate the fact that I cried in front of Tucker. Who likes a weak person?  I try to stop over thinking and just enjoy watching mindless TV with him.  It is nice knowing and feeling his arms around me all the while pulling me closer to his body.  This feels nice, too nice even. 

The rest of the evening goes by way too fast and before I know it, I need to get ready and head into work.  I look at the time, “Oh shit, I gotta get ready for work real quick.”

Tucker looks amused and says, “Go ahead and take your time, I’ll drive you in tonight.”

“Thanks, are you staying tonight?”  I ask hopeful.

“I can’t tonight, I have a mandatory house meeting, but I’ll be back in time to take you home,” he states while continuing to watch TV.

“Don’t worry about it, I can have someone from work bring me back,” I state as I start to walk back the hall to my bedroom.

“No Harp, I will be there,” he states matter of fact.

“Okay thanks.”

I get ready and we head out the door to take me to PowerTrip’s.  When Tucker pulls into the busy parking lot and parks I look at him and smile, “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome Harp; I’ll be back before you get off tonight.  Have a good night,” he says with a sexy smile on his face.

I thank him again and get out of the car and head for the door where Davie is standing. I say hi to him and make my way inside to get ready for my shift tonight.  I see Natalie behind the bar with a crazy line waiting for drinks. Wow, the bar is pretty packed already and there’s no band tonight.

I say hey to Natalie and then help her to service all the crazy customers that are waiting anxiously for drinks. 

Once the line goes down, I see Parker and Declan talking to Eddie and I wave to Parker.  He waves back and smiles. 

At least the time always flies by when it’s busy, before I realize it; it’s time for my break.  I head outside the side door for some fresh air.  I make my way out and enjoy the cool breeze tonight.  I’m outside for maybe a minute or two before Parker comes outside.

“Hey Harp,” he says.

“Hi Parker,” I say smiling.

“I haven’t talked to you in a little while and I wanted to check on you.  Everything okay on the Tuck front?” he asks slightly nervously.

I smile at Parker and say, “Yeah, Tucker and I are good.  We are friends Parker, but we cleared the air. Everything’s fine now,” I say happily. 

“That’s good, I’m glad to hear it. Look, I may not be the best person to give advice on Tuck considering we don’t talk anymore, but Harp, if he can be the guy he used to be, he would be a good guy to be around,” he says sympathetically.

“That’s good to know and hopefully that guy can find his way back out for the world to see. I can say he is a normal guy around me, not the self-centered ass he is around most people,” I say while laughing and Parker laughs lightly with me.

“Let’s hope he can find himself again, I miss the old Tuck,” he says while looking at anything but me.

“I don’t know what happened between you two Park, but hopefully you can put it in the past and move forward being friends. You guys grew up together so hopefully it all works out.” I smile more to myself than anything.

Parker laughs and says, “Yeah we’ll see about that. But on a serious note Harper, if you need anything or have any issues just let me know,” he says while now looking directly at me, looking all serious.

“Thanks,” is all I can say.

Break time is over so I head back inside and finish the rest of the night filling drinks and making small chitchat with Natalie. She looks so tired but I don’t point it out to her.  I ask if she’s okay and she just gives me short answers always saying she’s fine, just works too much. I let it go, that’s her business, and if she wants to share it she will.

I thought Tucker would make it in time to come and hang out inside the bar but apparently that’s not happening.  Last call was already announced so we finish stocking the coolers and once everyone is cleared out and everything cleaned up, we head outside.

I look around but I don’t see Tucker anywhere.  Maybe I should invest in a phone, at least then I could call or text him when he’s late.  Parker leaves and asks if I need a ride home but I tell him I’m good, and thank him anyway.  I decide to wait a few more minutes before walking home.  I find it odd that he didn’t make it back in time. I hope he’s okay.  After about fifteen minutes of waiting I decide to walk home.  I’m a bit mad but more worried than anything.  This doesn’t seem like the Tucker I know, he wouldn’t stand me up. Would he?

I make it home and wonder if I should walk over to his frat house just to check on him. I head inside and decide to hop in the shower and change. I’m tired of smelling like stale beer.  After thinking the worst in the shower, I decide to walk over to his frat house just to make sure nothing bad happened.  I make sure to grab my pepper spray just in case I need it.  I throw my yoga pants on with a hooded sweatshirt and after locking my door, I make my way out of the building and in the direction of the frat houses.  The closer I get to his frat house the darker it seems.  I stand in front and there are hardly any cars out front and the lights seem to be mostly off; clearly, there’s no party here tonight. 
Hmm
..I wonder where he went.

I thought he told me he had a meeting at the house, maybe they went out afterwards and he lost track of time. I decide not to dwell on it long and head back in the direction of my dorm. After locking the door, I get changed and head to bed and fall asleep quickly with thoughts of the sexy brown-eyed devil man himself.

Chapter 17

For the past few days, I have not heard a peep out of Tucker. Of course, this makes me nervous and worried. I walk over to his frat house a few times and his car is never there. I haven’t seen him on campus either.  I attend classes and continue in my daily routine, but still no sight of him.  It’s like he just vanished.  I get angry because he never picked me up on Saturday night and now I’m worried because it’s Wednesday and still no sign of Tucker.

I decide I need to get a phone if I am going to be friends with him because this worrying shit is for the birds. If I had a damn phone, I would have been able to call or text and know what was going on instead of staying up half the day night worrying.  Between worrying about Tucker and the daily nightmares, I look like hell.  I talked with the therapist on Monday and because I have to talk about all the past shit, the nightmares are a common occurrence. As much as I want to never think about it again, I know I don’t have a choice but to talk to her.  She’s a nice lady who is constantly jotting crap down, which I hate.  She hasn’t told me anything yet, not like they ever do and I am starting to see her three days a week.  Yep, crazy right here, that’s me. Hopefully in time, something works.

On Thursday evening, I finally spot Tucker while he’s talking to a bunch of his friends.  It looks as though he has a small cut by his eye, but I can’t see it well because I’m standing too far away. And I’ll be damn if I am going to go over to him, especially since he hasn’t tried to contact me in almost a freaking week. Ugh.  Get a grip Harper. I head in the opposite direction and continue my weekly routine this week.  No therapy tonight so I head home get my running gear on and head out to run six miles tonight.  I decide to only run six miles because I have a test I need to study for tonight.

After running my miles, I head home and open the door to see a note on the floor.  I pick it up and all it says is “I’m Sorry.”  Clearly it’s from Tucker; I throw the note on the table and head to the bathroom to get showered.  I get down to studying for the rest of the evening and head to bed.

Unfortunately, I wake up to another damn nightmare this time hearing, “You were always my favorite,” over and over again. The touches, the words that spewed out of his wretched mouth, all disgusting and all make me sick. No matter how many times I close my eyes, his words, “You were always my favorite, you were always my favorite, you were always my favorite,” make the tears come faster and the urge to throw up is there so off to the bathroom I go to let out everything I’ve eaten today. God, does it ever stop?  After I finally think I’m done emptying out my stomach, I brush my teeth and lay back down.  I don’t know how long I stare at the ceiling before I finally pass out. 

Friday morning comes quickly due to my interrupted sleep. I head off to class and fly through my first class only to have a test in the next one.  I head into my second class of the day, fly through the exam and then decide to grab something small to eat quickly before heading to my doctor’s office.  I’m not sure if I can keep the food down, so I figure something small is better than nothing at all.  I haven’t run into Tucker yet, but right now he’s the last thing on my mind. 

I head into my shrink’s office and wait a good fifteen minutes before she comes out to greet me.  Great, here we go.  I spend my hour rehashing crap from my past and gosh, I don’t know how much more I can cry.  I feel like I’m all cried out, but the tears they keep coming.  After my hour is up, I say farewell and that I’ll see Dr. Mathers on Monday afternoon. 

I decide to head home and try to take a nap because all that crying has worn me out and I still have to work tonight.  I finally get home, set my alarm and I’m out.  I wake up a few hours later when my alarm goes off and get up and get ready for work.  The look in the mirror is scary, my eyes are still all red and puffy and I look like a wreck.  I wash my face and clean myself up and then get ready and walk to work for my shift.  I hope tonight goes fast because I just want to sleep more. 

Seeing my therapist three days a week has worn me out on top of school, work, and the stress and worry over Tucker.  I’m too the point that I’m beyond pissed at Tucker, it’s all but a week since I last saw him. Just when I think things are different and going good, he shows he’s an ass. As much as I want to think that he would have an explanation, I have yet to hear one or even hear anything from him except for that stupid note on my table.  Enough thinking about him, I need to focus on me and work.

I get to work and the regular crew is on tonight.  It’s busy but not like usual, this will be a nice break hopefully.  There’s an all-girl rock band playing tonight so I hope they are entertaining.  We shall see.  Marcus informs me that Natalie is running late so he’s covering the first floor bar with me until she can get here.  She’s been acting strange, I hope everything’s okay with her.  I make small talk with Marcus between tending to our customers. 

The bar picks up a little after Natalie makes it in and I don’t get a chance to ask her if she’s alright.  Maybe later, hopefully.  I did spot Tucker come in with his frat guys and a bunch of girls tonight, but I keep telling myself not to look in his direction.  He is sitting at the opposite end of the bar which I’m grateful for.  I knew I was mad, but seeing him makes me realize how angry I am. 

I keep looking at the clock and my goodness it feels like the night is dragging. The band is decent but my eyes tend to go to a certain table. Luckily I haven’t messed any drinks up, but the night is not over yet. As I’m waiting on the customers that are at the bar, I see Tucker standing down the side of the bar.  Great, he’s clearly on my side so I have to service him.  I’d rather throw the drink on him in this moment, but I won’t.  I serve all the other customers first before heading in his direction.

“What can I get you?” I ask bitterly.

“Can we talk when you get off Harper?” he asks looking hopeful.

Before I can respond, a leggy blond girl who has a short tight red dress on that shows pretty much every curve she has, speaks to Tucker. I have to give it to her, she’s hot and she knows it. “Hey sexy, it was great seeing you last weekend, you coming this weekend for a repeat?” she has a stupid smile plastered to her face.