Never a Road Without a Turning (12 page)

The major surprised him then by letting go of his ballocks and gripping Pip’s other hip, drawing him closer and encouraging him to thrust, to fuck his mouth. When Pip hesitated, the major’s hands slid back and gripped his buttocks hard, no longer encouraging but demanding Pip take over his own pleasure. As the major stared up at him with those striking eyes, Pip thrust with increasing force. The major took all he had, gazing up at him with his mouth stretched wide around Pip’s prick, enough heat in his eyes to set Pip’s entire body aflame. A tingling began at the base of Pip’s spine that he was helpless to fight, and for the first time he could ever remember, he lost command of his body, jerking madly and arching his back, spilling his seed down the major’s throat as he stifled a cry with his fist.

When Pip had spent his last drop, the major released his punishing grip on Pip’s arse and drew off his softening cock. Pip could only pant and tremble in the aftermath of his release. While Pip watched dazedly, the major swiped a hand across his swollen lips and slumped back onto his bed, bracing himself on his elbows as he too panted from exertion. They stayed like that for several moments, staring at one another and trying to regain their breath. But once he had, Pip didn’t know what to do next. So many thoughts and feelings ran through his head he couldn’t make sense of any of them, and his body was still vibrating with the strongest release he could ever remember, muddling his thoughts even more.

Eventually the major must have read some of what Pip was feeling for he stopped searching Pip’s face, and his eyes softened. He gave Pip a small, sad smile and said, “I think you should go to your bed now, Phillip. Go on. It’s all right.”

Pip’s wits may have been a bit addled but that still seemed wrong somehow.

“What about you, sir?” he asked without thinking.

The major’s smile fell a little. “I can manage from here. No need to worry.”

Pip shook his head. “No. I meant….” Pip flushed, unable to finish his sentence, and the major’s smile returned.

“Ah. That. No need to worry there either. I spent when you did, just from watching you.”

The look he gave Pip then, as if he couldn’t take his eyes off him, made Pip’s stomach flip and his body tingle anew. Pip shifted uncomfortably, at a loss as to what he should do. He knew he should leave. He needed to think about what he was doing. But he didn’t want to think. He wanted the major to take over, as he had before, and make it so that Pip couldn’t think for the rest of the night.

In for a penny….

“Go on, Phillip. You’ll catch another chill if you stay like that much longer.” The major’s voice pulled Pip back to the present, forcing him to remember that his cock was damp and exposed to the air. He shivered and set himself to rights before turning and numbly making his way to the door.

“Good night, Phillip,” the major called to him as Pip stepped into the hall.

“Night, sir.” Pip turned and started down the dark corridor but stopped when the major called to him again.

“If you still wish it, I would like for you to come and read to me tomorrow after dinner,” the major paused then and continued in a quieter voice, “If you don’t come, I will understand and I won’t impose on you again.”

“Yes, sir,” Pip whispered automatically before continuing to make his way to the emptiness and quiet of his room.

Pip undressed and climbed beneath the blankets, feeling drained in more ways than one.

H
E
SLEPT
deeply that night, despite his fears that the uproar in his head wouldn’t allow it. But in the morning, he was no less troubled than he’d been before and for most of the day he wandered through his duties in a daze, unsure how to face what he’d allowed to happen—what he’d wanted to happen.

The work helped. Mrs. Applethwaite’s strident commands were familiar and oddly comforting. Because of her and the fact that he still tired easily, Pip was able to avoid thinking unduly much about anything up until his afternoon ride. But when he was finally alone with his thoughts, sitting astride the horse, looking down on Keswick, he could no longer hide from the enormity of what he’d done.

He’d had relations with another man.

He’d enjoyed it.

And then afterward he’d slunk off to bed like a frightened child.

Pip climbed down from the saddle and buried his face in the horse’s shoulder, feeling mortified and strangely exhilarated at the same time. He took one shuddering breath and then another as he stroked the long neck beneath his cheek to keep the animal—and himself—calm. Despite his efforts, the horse snorted and shifted, restless in the chill wind, so Pip pulled himself together enough to turn him around and begin the walk back to the cottage. It would give them both something to do while Pip fretted.

As they walked, Pip thought back on all the women he’d ever bedded. He couldn’t remember all of their faces, let alone their names, but a few memorable women had done more than lie back and allow Pip to see to their pleasure before taking his own. He’d cared for some of them, enjoyed their company, been charmed and flattered by their attention and admiration. But he couldn’t remember ever feeling anything like the fire in his veins when the major had taken him into his mouth. Pip’s whole body ached with the memory of it, and he suddenly felt like an ass for all the years he’d wasted believing he knew what true desire was.

Back when he’d first learned of Master Carey’s affection for Mr. Carruthers, Pip had thought the man all kinds of fool for choosing to be with another man—and all the danger that entailed—when so many women would gladly offer up everything they had for a chance with the wealthy and handsome gentleman. Pip hadn’t understood at all. And now he thought perhaps those two men had something together that Pip had never experienced before and never realized he was missing.

Who is the fool now?

Pip closed his eyes and an image of the major sitting on his bed with Pip’s cock in his mouth and those eyes staring up at him flashed across his mind. He shivered in the cold wind even as his cock stirred. He wanted more. His body didn’t lie. So what was stopping him from taking what the major offered?

The church? Propriety?

Pip laughed out loud, startling a snort out of the horse.
Not hardly.

The law?

While Pip certainly had no wish to ride the three-legged mare, he didn’t think he needed to fear over much for his neck. Who would betray them? The major certainly wouldn’t. That left only the housekeeper and her husband in their lonely little cottage, and Pip could be careful.

Even if the couple did suspect something, they’d be unlikely to risk their comfortable positions by kicking up a fuss. Wouldn’t they?

A small ripple in the darkest part of his memories gave Pip a moment’s pause, but he shoved it down again before it could break free. The present circumstances were nothing like what had happened to him at Newgate. The fear hadn’t risen in him again. He was a grown man now, and the major wasn’t some fat, foul-smelling child rapist buying a bit of arse in the middle of the night. The major was a gentleman, and though a little proud, high-handed, and cold at times, the man had dignity and morals… and in his present state, Pip was fairly certain he could best the major if it came to actual physical blows. He had no need to be afraid on that score.

Pip paused on top of the ridge above the cottage and took a deep breath… and then another. He could do this. With the promise of pleasures like he’d experienced the night before, he could set aside his fears and reservations. It didn’t have to last forever, none of his dalliances ever had before, and once he’d fulfilled this strange aching need inside him, he’d move on like he had before, with no one the wiser.

Back in the barn, Pip rubbed the horse down and settled him in, feeling much lighter of heart than when he’d departed. His nerves threatened to get the better of him twice more during the afternoon and once while he changed clothes before dinner. But when his plate was emptied and the bell rang for more coal for the master’s fire, Pip didn’t hesitate to offer his services. “I’ve got it.”

Mrs. Applethwaite frowned at him while her husband grinned and settled back into his chair. Pip cleared his throat. “The master asked me t’ read to ’im tonight. I can take the coal with me. No need for Mr. Applethwaite to trouble ’imself.”

Her eyes widened a little in surprise, and her disapproving frown grew deeper, but she didn’t stop him when he reached for the scuttle and headed for the door to the rest of the house.

By the time he made it to the library door, Pip’s heart was racing so he could barely draw breath. He knocked once and let himself in when the major called “Come.”

The major turned his brooding gaze from the fire as Pip stepped inside, and his eyes widened when he saw who it was. Pip’s hand shook and threatened to drop the pail he carried as he walked to the grate. But he managed to hold himself together enough to stir up the coals and add more without looking too foolish. He stayed in front of the fire with his back to the major until the heat began to soothe him, loosening the tenseness in his muscles despite the fact that he could feel the major’s eyes on him as he worked.

When he’d delayed as long as he could, Pip rose and turned, lifting his gaze until he could meet the major’s eyes. He looked as stern and aloof as ever, but beneath that appeared the barest hint of vulnerability and uncertainty. That tiny glimpse into his soul soothed Pip enough for some of his natural confidence and bluster to return, and he grinned. It wasn’t as cocksure as it would’ve been if the major had been a woman, but Pip managed the best he could under the circumstances. Wrapping his bluff of confidence around him, Pip closed the distance between them and bent down to pick up the book that rested on the major’s knee, allowing his fingertips to graze the man’s thigh in the process.

“
Confessions of an English Opium-Eater
,” Pip read the title aloud and clicked his tongue. “Don’t sound particularly pleasant, do it? Per’aps we should find somethin’ else.”

Pip leaned close to the major as he set the book on the small table next to his chair, pushing aside the man’s mostly full whisky glass. The major didn’t move, but a small hitch in his breathing betrayed him. He was not unaffected by Pip’s closeness, and Pip felt his nerves settle a bit more, replaced by anticipation. He’d done this dance before. Even if the partner was different, he wasn’t a complete innocent.

Pip moved away and casually perused the bookshelves on the other side of the library, knowing the major’s gaze followed his every move.

“Per’aps somethin’ from the Bard would be better,” Pip mused idly as he slid a finger across the spines of the books. “Or poetry?” Pip looked over his shoulder coyly, and the major swallowed and shook his head.

“You choose,” the man said gruffly.

Pip strolled back to him and crouched down next to his chair. “There must be somethin’ ye want other than that dreary book.”

The major’s cheeks flushed, but his face hardened at Pip’s words. “I want not to be toyed with, Phillip.”

Pip’s grin faded, and his nerves returned in a rush. He blew out a nervous breath. “I’m not toying with ye, truly sir. I don’t know what it is I am doing, but it’s not that.”

The major closed his eyes and sighed. “I want no games. I only want the truth from you. Did you come here only to read to me tonight, or did you want something else?”

“Somethin’ else.”

The major made to rise, and Pip reached for him automatically, only to have his hands knocked away. “I don’t require your assistance. I am not so crippled as all that,” the man snapped.

Pip must have looked as wounded as he felt, because the major sighed and lowered his head. “Forgive me, Phillip. I do not mean to be cruel. But I can manage well enough when I’m not in my cups. I don’t want you to see me as any less a man than I already am. Allow me to retain some of my dignity, even if it is a pale shadow of what it once was.”

Pip swallowed around the tightness in his throat. “I don’ think of ye as less a man than any other, sir. I only wanted to ’elp.”

The major reached out tentatively and cupped Pip’s jaw. He caressed Pip’s cheek with his thumb as his sad eyes searched Pip’s face. “Is that why you’re here now? To help? Is this pity?”

The question cost the major, Pip could see it in the ticking of his jaw muscles, the pain and mortification written plainly across his face. “No, sir. I wouldn’t. I’m ’ere because I want t’ be.”

The major blew out a long breath and closed his eyes. “Thank you.”

Pip grimaced and shook his head, out of patience with both of them and their mincing about. Flirtation and kindness had only earned him anger and a rebuff. He needed to try something else. “Don’t thank me,” he said harshly, “Get yer arse up those stairs an’ show me the man ye are afore I think both of us ’as turned into a couple o’ faintin’ flowers.”

That did the trick. The major let out a bark of laughter, and his eyes lit in a way that took Pip’s breath away, as much as the hand that cupped his cheek firmly, drawing him in for a kiss. The major’s lips were tentative at first, barely a whisper across Pip’s own. But when Pip didn’t pull away, the major pressed on, teasing a wet tongue along the seam of his mouth until Pip’s ventured out to play. Pip closed his eyes then and sank into that kiss, every inch of his skin tingling and alive with it. His breath stuttered in his chest as the major devoured him, and only came rushing back when the man pushed him back on his heels.