Never Can Say Goodbye (22 page)

‘They’re scared witless of you, duck,’ Ernie said helpfully. ‘And I can’t say I blame them.’

‘Oh, heaven preserve me.’ White Petticoat looked Ernie up and down. ‘Now we’ve got a bewildered newly dead. They drive me
mad, you know. All lost and confused and insisting they’re still alive. Get over it, love. You’re dead.’

‘I know that,’ Ernie said crossly. ‘And I’m dead happy to be dead. I just don’t want to be here.’

‘That makes two of us.’ White Petticoat patted her snood. ‘I was more than happy where I was until she –’ she jabbed a finger
towards Maisie ‘– dabbled. Saints preserve me from a bloody dabbler.’

Ernie nodded. ‘Exactly what I said, myself.’

‘Tell me I’m dreaming,’ Frankie said, trying not to cry. ‘Please tell me I’m dreaming.’

‘I wish.’ Dexter looked totally bemused. ‘What the heck do we do now?’

‘Wake her up –’ White Petticoat jabbed a finger at Maisie again ‘– and get her to send us back to the afterlife.’ She turned
her blazing glare to Frankie. ‘Was this your idea? The seance? A bit of a giggle, was it? Well, let me tell you, it’s far
from funny
to disturb the dead. I do wish people would leave the spirit world well alone. Stupid, absolutely stupid.’

‘Now you just hang on.’ Ernie stepped forwards. ‘Young Frankie and Dexter here didn’t cause this. It’s more my fault than
anyone’s. They were just trying to help me pass over. I want to rest in peace.’

‘Which is what we were all doing nicely, thank you.’ White Petticoat sighed. ‘And who are you, anyway?’

‘Ernie Yardley, duck. And you?’

‘Bev Barlow.’

‘Nice to meet you.’

‘And you.’

‘Christ.’ Dexter shook his head.

Maisie snored.

Frankie rubbed her eyes. ‘This is crazy. We’ve got to do something. No, correction, Maisie’s got to do something.’

She picked up the jug of water and flung it into the large, flabby, comatose face.

Dexter applauded.

‘Whooooo!’ Maisie screamed, sitting up and shaking herself, with several cauliflower curls now dripping into her eyes. ‘Did
you chuck water over me, Frankie? Oooh, that was very nasty of you.’

‘Maybe it was, but I don’t care,’ Frankie said angrily. ‘What the hell have you done, Maisie? You said you knew what you were
doing. You said you could help me to un-ghost my shop! Now look at it!’

‘Crikey, sweethearts.’ Maisie gazed proudly round the spirit-filled shop. ‘Did I really do all this?’

‘Yes, you bloody did.’ Dexter leaned over her. ‘And now, please reverse it.’

‘Well I never.’ Maisie mopped her face with a massive hankie and beamed cheerfully. ‘I’ve never managed to raise anything
or anyone before. Ever.’

‘What?’ Frankie sighed. ‘You mean, you’re a fraud? One big fake? Like we suspected all along?’

‘I’m not a fraud. I do have some powers – some very special powers. It’s just that, so far, they’ve not had very spectacular
results.’

‘Well, they have now,’ Bev snorted. ‘And hopefully you’ll be able to summon up your clearly limited powers to send us back
to where we came from.’

‘Which is where?’ Maisie asked interestedly. ‘It’s always fascinated me.’

Bev tucked a stray hair under her snood. ‘The afterlife is far too complex to describe to you now. And while I obviously have
the time I certainly don’t have the patience. Just accept that there are various layers, and most of us are more than happy
to be where we are. We certainly don’t want to be dragged back into a world we hardly recognise with people we don’t know,
by the likes of you.’

Dexter and Frankie exchanged glances. But any further explanations were halted by a lot of screaming and scuffling.

A fight had broken out round the 1960s rails.

‘Here!’ Ernie strode across the shop. ‘Stop that! This is a lovely little shop, and young Frankie’s trying to make a living.
It ain’t a bloody bun fight! You leave them frocks alone.’

The women stopped squabbling and fell back, looking abashed.

‘And that’s fine for you to say –’ a figure with close-cropped hair and wearing long johns, sashayed forwards, clutching a
floaty purple minidress and pouted ‘– but some of us haven’t seen a decent bit of material for simply
ages.
’

‘It’s a man!’ Frankie blinked. ‘Isn’t it?’

‘Oh Lordy,’ Dexter muttered. ‘It’s the Louie Spence of the spirit world. Fantastic.’

‘OK.’ Frankie took a deep breath. ‘This is madness. Maisie, do something. Now.’

‘I don’t know what to do, sweethearts, and that’s a fact. You’ll have to give me some time to think.’

Bev snorted. ‘Well, being dead, I’ve obviously got all the time in the world, but I’m guessing these living people haven’t.
So I suggest you get a bit of a shift on, all right?’

‘Just give me a minute.’ Maisie took several deep breaths. ‘Let me see what I can come up with. But, when you were coming
through, didn’t you tell me you wanted to be reunited? I’m sure I heard you say you wanted to be—’

‘I didn’t say anything, and I certainly don’t want to be reunited with anyone down here, ta.’ Bev sighed heavily. ‘I’ve got
all the chums and family I need back there in the afterlife, thanks very much.’

‘But I could have sworn you said you wanted to be reunited,’ Maisie looked confused. ‘I’m sure someone wanted to be reunited.’

‘Me, duck,’ Ernie said. ‘Me. And you even managed to get that wrong. What a bloody palaver this all is.’

Maisie ignored Ernie and closed her eyes again. ‘Well, I’m very sorry I’m sure if I misunderstood you, er, Bev. The signals
must have got crossed somewhere. I’ll try to sort out my earthly auras from my spiritual ones. Just let me concentrate. Right,
I’m getting a clearer picture now.’

‘Sounds like my damn old telly,’ Ernie said. ‘And that only
worked properly when you gave it a good whack with your fist.’

‘Don’t tempt me,’ Dexter muttered.

Frankie who was still shaking and absolutely sure she’d wake up in her pink and purple bedroom at any moment, cleared her
throat and looked at Bev. ‘Look, while Maisie sorts this lot out, can I ask you a question?’

‘Ask away.’ Bev looked bored. ‘I’m not going anywhere.’

‘I know it sounds rude, but why are you all, um, not properly dressed?’

‘Because when we died, a very long time ago in most cases, the fashion for bedecking the corpse in all its earthly finery
was seldom heard of. Especially among the lower orders. The men always used to be buried in their best suits if they had one,
but not the ladies. We got nightdresses or petticoats to cover our dignity if we were lucky. Some of the poor souls just got
shrouds. Most of them haven’t seen a dress for over sixty years. That’s why they’re so excited by the frocks.’

‘Oh dear.’ Lilly had teetered unsteadily out of the kitchen, looking green. ‘That’s a bit unfair. Whatever happened to equality?’

‘There weren’t no equality back then,’ Ernie chipped in. ‘Men and women had separate roles and were treated very differently.’

‘I’m glad I’m alive now, then,’ Lilly said, watching the women still sifting excitedly through the clothes rails, but with
more decorum since Ernie’s rant. ‘Oooh, is that one with the purple frock a
man
?’

‘I am, dear heart. Thanks for noticing. I’m Jared.’

‘I’m Lilly.’

‘Pretty name for a very pretty girl.’ Jared, now with the purple minidress over his long johns, gave a twirl and a curtsy.

‘Faggot!’ Bev sniffed.

‘You can’t say that!’ Frankie was horrified. ‘Not even if he’s dead and you’re dead. That’s so non-PC!’

‘What’s PC got to do with it?’ Bev frowned. ‘What does it mean? Postcard? Police constable?’

‘Don’t bother,’ Dexter advised. ‘She’s from a different era, and so is he by the look of it. Jesus, Frankie, what are we going
to do?’

‘Are they all
dead
?’ Lilly looked worriedly at Frankie. ‘Really, truly dead?’

‘Afraid so. But they seem friendly enough.’

‘And I’m really, truly talking to
dead people
?’

‘Yes, unfortunately you are.’

‘Wow – cool.’

Frankie managed a wan smile. ‘I’m glad you can see a good side to all this. And – are you
drunk
?’

‘Only a little bit.’ Lilly giggled. ‘I was a bit scared … OK, a lot scared – it was much, much worse than
Paranormal Experience
– but I opened that bottle of champagne in the fridge and had a good few glugs.’ She smiled lopsidedly. ‘Nothing like a bit
of fizz to put the sparkle back.’

‘My Krug?’ Frankie frowned. ‘Dexter’s Krug? You’ve drunk the Krug? I was saving that for a special occasion. Dear Lord, Lilly.’

‘I didn’t drink all of it, well not quite, and this is pretty special in my book, and anyway, you never said there’d be
ghosts.
’

‘There weren’t supposed to be.’ Frankie sighed. ‘I don’t believe in ghosts.’

‘That’s not really true,’ Ernie said miserably, ‘now is it?’

‘OK, I believe in Ernie,’ Frankie corrected. ‘And I’m so sorry that this has gone so wrong.’

‘Me too, duck.’ Ernie looked sadly across the shop. ‘You know, once they’d all appeared, I really, really hoped my Achsah
might be among ’em, and that we’d be together again, even if we were sort of earthbound, but no. She ain’t there. It was like
losing her all over again.’

‘Oh, Ernie.’ Frankie shook her head. ‘I’m so sorry. Oh, I could kill Maisie!’

‘And that wouldn’t help much, would it?’ Dexter smiled gently at her. ‘We’ve got enough dead people already. We need Maisie
alive and kicking and sorting this bloody mess out.’

‘Exactly.’ Frankie glared at Maisie who now had her rather damp head in her hands. ‘After all, we only wanted her to return
Ernie to his rightful, um, place in the life after death, er, structure, and –’

Maisie looked up. ‘You
knew
you had a ghost, sweetheart? You
knew
the shop was haunted by
someone
? A particular person? You never told me that, now did you? Things might have been very different if you’d told me what I
was supposed to be doing. Why didn’t you tell me?’

‘Because,’ Frankie hissed, ‘you said you
knew
what you were doing. You said you could sort out any haunting problem. There was no way I was going to give you a clue that
it was Ernie who was hanging around the shop. I wanted to believe in you. I wanted you to prove that I was wrong, and you
could manage to lay my ghost. But I was right, wasn’t I? You’re totally useless.’

‘Harsh, duck, but true.’ Ernie nodded. ‘And I’m thinking she still can’t see me, can you, Maisie?’

‘Anyway,’ Maisie carried on, ‘you’ll just have to give me a little bit more time to gather my powers and I’ll try to get rid
of all these ladies.’

‘And me?’ Ernie asked plaintively. ‘Don’t forget me.’

‘I’m disappointed in you, Frankie, sweetheart, really I am.’ Maisie swept her hand dramatically through her bedraggled perm.
‘Now, just leave me alone. I need to concentrate.’

Dexter sighed heavily. ‘She can’t see or hear Ernie at all, can she? Only the ghosts she’s conjured up. What a bloody waste
of time.’

‘And what about me?’ Jared stopped admiring himself in the cheval mirror. ‘She only said she’d get rid of the women, didn’t
she? What about me?’

‘She probably thinks you’re a girl as well,’ Lilly said kindly. ‘You look lovely in that colour. It really suits you.’

Jared simpered and pranced round the shop, holding out the hem of his purple skirt.

‘Why are you all women?’ Dexter dragged his eyes from the now pirouetting Jared, and looked at Bev. ‘How come Maisie managed
to raise a whole crowd of women ghosts, oh, and Jared?’

‘Search me. Luck of the draw? Tuning into the right auras at the right moment? Or the wrong one in my case? I’ve really no
idea.’ Bev again looked bored by the question. ‘We certainly weren’t all together “up there”, if you like. We don’t know each
other. And I can’t speak for the rest of them, but I died in nineteen forty-three and I’ve never materialised before, never
felt compelled by anyone calling me from “down here” before.’ She gave Maisie a withering look. ‘Whatever powers she has,
they’re sadly misrouted if you ask me. One minute I was just, well, enjoying the afterlife, the next, I was being rushed away,
against my will, down some dark tunnel all sprinkled with stars, and ended up here.’

‘Wow.’ Lilly was open-mouthed. ‘That is sooo spooky. I can’t wait to tell—’

‘You must never breathe a word of this,’ Frankie interrupted fiercely. ‘Promise me, Lilly. This stays between us here tonight.
If any of this got out – well, one we’d be a laughing stock, and, two, I’d definitely go bankrupt and three, we’d probably
all be sectioned. So, promise me – you’ll never, ever tell anyone about this.’

‘Bummer.’ Lilly frowned. ‘Oh, OK. Whatever. Yeah, I promise.’

‘Lilly telling all and sundry is the least of your worries at the moment, I’d say.’ Dexter stared again at the hordes of women,
still chattering nosily round the frock rails. ‘Getting rid of this lot is far more important.’

Frankie nodded and looked at Maisie. ‘Come on, you must have some idea what to do. When you, er, materialised them you did
it with that pendant thing, so surely you can put it into reverse, can’t you?’

Maisie bit her lip. ‘I don’t think so.’

‘Why on earth not?’

Bev folded her arms and tapped a bare foot. ‘We’re waiting.’

‘Because,’ Maisie said reluctantly, ‘the pendant isn’t special, sweetheart. It’s not an ancient artefact. It’s just for effect.
I bought it in Claire’s Accessories.’

‘Jesus Christ!’ Dexter rubbed his eyes.

Jared had found a lilac maxi-dress and had draped it round his shoulders like a stole and was now strutting camply round the
floor.

Ernie and Bev watched him in disgust. Lilly hiccupped and clapped her hands.

‘So,’ Frankie said, feeling very close to tears, ‘you honestly don’t know how to undo what you’ve done?’

Maisie looked sulky. ‘As you’ve already guessed, I’ve never managed to get through to anyone before – not like this – let
alone try to send them back again, so, no, sweetheart, I don’t. But despite you withholding information from me, I’ll try
for you. I’ll try. Can we have the candles lit again and the lights out, please, and I’ll see what I can do.’