Never Say Goodbye (13 page)

I spend the day with Jade
, and Luke didn’t contact me at all. Not once.

My fault entirely because I told him not to.

Inside I desperately wanted to know the truth. I was hurt, no question about it, but I was also in love with him. Jade tried her hardest to take my mind off everything; she even took me to our local cafe for a coffee. I just couldn’t think of anything but him.
    
“...But then I realized she was only after him for his body!” Jade bursts out laughing and I smile gently at her. “Come on, Els, talk to me, babe, I’m so worried about you.”
    
“There is nothing to say, Jade, he doesn’t want me, and it’s the same fucking story I told you last week.” She gently strokes my arm and nods in acceptance.
    
“Maybe, Jenna has him in a position you can’t, excuse the pun, but she’s manipulative. She obviously wants him back.”
    
“He told me he loved me.” I whisper and Jade’s mouth opens in shock. She closes it again and looks back at me.
    
“Really?”
    
“Yes, he was so sweet when he did too, I thought I believed him, I really did.” I shake my head and sigh heavily. “He obviously doesn’t, otherwise he wouldn’t lie to me.”
    
“You don’t know what’s happened, Els, she could have been in trouble, he was just helping a friend?” She shrugged and took a long sip of her coffee.
    
“Yeah, but he left me in the night, no note, nothing. I was awake anyway, hence why I followed him. He whispered to me ‘I’m so sorry’ before he left me, making me more suspicious. I just.... I don’t know, Jade.” Her arms wrap around my shoulders as she stands behind me. Her chin is on my shoulder and she kisses my hair gently.
    
“I think he loves you, there are just too many unanswered questions that only he has the answers too. Go to him, Ella, find out why.”
    
“I can’t.”
    
“Yes, you can, just do it, you only live this life once, Els, and you know that better than anyone.” I smile at her and realize what I have to do.
    
“I miss you, Jade, you really are my best friend, and we need to meet up to discuss prom as well.” I smile at her and she sits back in her seat.
    
“Go get him.” She links her legs across themselves and winks at me.

                            ******

I’m grateful for having my car back. I’ve been home and changed, straightened my hair into long straight locks, and put on a nice dress.
    
The drive to Luke’s was short; because I’d forgotten the code to the garage, I parked my car in a space across the street. Luckily, I had remembered the code to his penthouse. I gently get out of my car and breathe in slowly. Straightening my dress and feeling confident, I am ready to apologize and talk to Luke. I walk into the apartment lobby, nod at the concierge, and get into the elevator. I put in the code, and to my surprise, it’s correct and the elevator starts its ascent. As I exit the elevator the smell of the white calla lilies on the table make the small room smell amazing. I take in the scent and walk toward the front door. My heart’s pounding hard through my chest and I honestly think I might faint. I gently press the doorbell and I hear footsteps approach behind the door. I move out of the way of the peephole and giggle. He opens the door and I move over into his line of view. I have never seen color drain someone’s face so fast. He goes from his usual tan to ashen instantly. He is only in a pair of grey sweatpants hanging loosely at his hips.
His 'V' defined to them, his speed bump abs.
    
“Ellie, what are you doing here?” Says Luke, his tone balancing on anger.
I snap my head up to look at him, confused by his outburst, I can feel the unbidden tears appear but I hold them back.
    
“I came to see you, talk to you.”
    
“Why? You made it perfectly clear what you wanted earlier.” His tone is so cold. He crosses his arms against his bare chest and leans against the doorframe.
    
“Luke, I just wanted to explain myself to you, and vice versa.” I pat down my dress and sway on my feet because of nerves, when I hear an unwelcome voice giggle from the other side of the door.
    
“Ella, go home.”
I can’t help it, the rejection, the wasted effort of looking nice for him, him holding Jenna’s hand, hearing her giggle. I hit his face hard across his cheek and he looks back at me in anger. His eyes red with pain, his arms held up against the door.
    
“Luke, what's going on?” As if on cue, Jenna appears in her underwear and walks to put her arm around Luke’s waist. He pushes her off and looks down at her.
    
“Why the fuck are you in your underwear, Jenna, go put something on!” He looks at her and she shrugs.
    
“Why are you complaining? You weren’t earlier.” Jenna’s voice is laced with destruction.
There it was, the bullet shot straight into my heart, the feeling of loss that pain that I had hidden before is back. I step back and Luke ushers Jenna inside and closes the door behind him.
    
“Ella, what did you expect?” He laughs gently, viciously.
This is not the man I know, this can’t be the man I know. My whimper hurts as my body starts to fall apart. “Never wanted you, never will. Just a bunch of lies.
All lies.
” He emphasizes on the last word and the tears are now stinging my eyes.
    
When the first tear falls, he barges towards me and holds me in his arms. “I didn’t sleep with her, baby, I just needed to see how you felt for me, please don’t cry, Ellie, I’m so sorry.” I push against his chest hard and put my head in my hands. A deep moan escapes from somewhere within me and I stop and look at the calla lilies in the
glass
vase.

Triggered.

Luke is watching my every move. I walk slowly toward the table and pick out a Lily. “So beautiful.” I whisper and pick up the vase. I throw it hard against the wall, watching the glass smash into a thousand tiny pieces.
    
“Ella, what are you doing? I was lying, okay? I just wanted to see how you really felt, if you meant what you said this morning.” His words are not entering my mind. I can't hear him. All I can hear is the voices.

And when the scars fade and you crave new ones. When the people that care no longer do. You look at yourself in the mirror; you’re a bad person for letting people in. Bad people deserve to be punished.

I bend slowly, pick up a shard of glass, and squeeze it, hard. I can’t feel it. I can’t feel anything. It shreds my skin fast.

Numb.

Luke is on me in a second.
    
“Ella, let go! Please, baby, let go of the glass.” The blood is falling hard and fast to the floor and my eyes are tight shut.

Everything is a blur.

Suddenly, I can feel warm lips against mine and I open my eyes through the tears. I gently open my hand and drop the blood stained glass to the floor. I cry against his mouth and he holds me close. My body is cold, my hands and my feet feel non-existent.
    
“This is my fault.” Luke whispers against my hair. “All my fucking fault.” He pulls me away gently and raises my right hand to investigate my wound. “Oh, Ellie, what have you done?” I look down at my hand and shake my head.
    
“I can’t feel it.” I whisper and pull my hand out of his grasp.
“You were lying?” I look up at him and search his green eyes.
    
“Yes, I was, and I’m so sorry, Ellie, please forgive me. I just wanted to know the truth and how you felt about me.”
    
“While Jenna is running around your apartment naked?”
    
“She’s not naked.”
    
“Oh, excuse me for not being precise. Half-naked.”
    
“Ella...” He breathes and holds me close again. The pain is now searing through my arm causing me to cry harder.
    
“My hand.” I murmur and he guides me toward the door and takes me into the apartment. I held my hand tightly against my blue dress and tried to stop the blood from falling mercilessly onto the floor. I don’t know what I was thinking. Luke sat me on the kitchen counter so he was at eye level with my wound.
Where’s Jenna?
    
“Baby, put your hand in the sink behind you, lets clean the blood away.” I turn and rest my hand in the sink, ready for the water. Luke gently turns the tap on and I wince at the coldness. He turns it off quickly.
    
“Sorry, baby.” He puts it back on again gently and this time it’s warm. I rest my wound under the water for a while and let my hand regain some feeling. The bleeding seems to have stopped and Luke puts my hand back on my lap. He grabs a first aid box, a kitchen stool, and places himself in front of me. I open my legs so he could have better access to clean me up.
    
“This is number three.” I whisper.
    
“What is?”
    
“The amount of times you have had to clean me up.” I giggle gently but stop when he holds an antiseptic wipe to my hand. I squint my eyes shut and breathe in gently bracing myself for the sting.
    
“I don’t mean to hurt you, but this might hurt just a little.” I can barely feel it. The sting isn’t there. All I can feel is the fact that Jenna is here, and she’s naked. What has
he
done? She’s been here all night and all day. What have
they
done? I swallow hard and keep my eyes on my hand. His gentle strokes clean up the lapses of seeping blood and he gently bandages it. It wasn’t too deep so I wouldn’t need to go to the ER. When he finishes and secures it with tape, he kisses my palm. He sighs softly into my hand and looks up at me.
    
“God, Ella. What were you thinking?”
    
“You hurt me, I didn’t want to be reminded by tears, and it’s just what happens, Luke.” I shrug and drop my head. He stands and lifts my chin. He sweeps my hair from my face and cups it gently. He kisses me softly and pulls me into a hug.
    
“Why are you half naked?” I mumble into his chest.
    
“I was asleep when the doorbell rang.”
    
“Why were you asleep?”
    
“I was up all night.”
    
“Doing what?”
    
“Talking, listening, helping.”
    
“Oh.” I jump down off the counter and walk to the panoramic window.
My city is so beautiful
.
“You don’t have to tell me, Luke.” I shrug and feel his warm hands wrap around me from behind. I sigh against him and welcome his embrace.
    
“Yes, I do,” he mumbles into my hair. “She’s, Jenna...she’s been kicked out of her home.” He sighs.
    
“Why’s that your problem?” I stare down at my hand.
    
“Because she was there for me once, I had to return the favor.” I nod gently, and watch the cars below us.
    
“Why was she naked? Sorry, half naked?” I turn to face him and he grabs my good hand and leads me to the sofa. As I sit, I rest my legs over his and he gently strokes them up and down.
    
“She wants me back, but I don’t want her back. She wasn’t in her underwear earlier, she must have known it was you at the door, wanted to embarrass you or me?” He shrugs and traces the outline of my sandals. He gently undoes the clasps and drops one of them to the floor. He massages my foot gently and I moan under his expertise. He removes my other sandal and continues his process. Just as I begin to relax, Jenna walks in. She bends down next to Luke and kisses his cheek.
    
“Thanks, Luke, I’m going now, see you, Ella.” We watch her leave and I sigh and shake my head.
    
“What?” Luke whispers and looks at me, his head tilted to the side.
    
“She’s so perfect.” I whisper.
    
“What do you mean?”
    
“She’s beautiful, Luke, not messed up like me.” He lets go of my feet and pulls me onto his lap, his arms curled around my waist, and I’m nuzzled against his neck.
    
“You’re not messed up, Els, you’ve had a rough time, and we just need to be happy now, okay?”
    
“Why did you text her saying you would meet her?” He pulls me back gently to look into my eyes.
    
“I didn’t, that I don’t understand, I had my cell with me all day, apart from my hour at the gym before I came to you...”
Hi
s
face develops into a frown as he tries to realize what this was, who it was that wants to ruin everything.
“Fuck, that must be it. Someone must have been in my locker at the gym.”
He pulls his cell out of his pocket and studies the text that was sent.
“Look, Els, look at the time-” he shows me the text and the time it was sent. “4:36pm, I was at the gym.” He sighs and shakes his head. “Who the-? And when?” I shrug, completely unaware of whom it could be.