Never Say Goodbye (3 page)

  “I wanted to see you, Ella. I needed to see you.”
    
  “Why?” I ask and my body shudders.
    
  “Are you cold?” He asks.
    
  “Sort of, adrenaline I think.” I shrug.
    
  “I think we should leave your car here tonight, I’ll get someone to come pick it up in the morning for you.” He demands.
    
  “I need it to get to school. I can drive, I’ll be fine.” I protest.
    
  “No, Ella. Tell you what, how about I come pick you up around six am and we can go get it, yeah?” I nod and throw him a smile.
    
“Six am huh? I may be hard to handle.” I wink at him.
    
“Me too!” he jokes. He then secures the Band-Aid over the cut on my forehead, I wince, but when it’s secured, he kisses it.
    
  “Now, are we going to get down to why I was attacked?” I snap.
    
  “Whoa, Ella, chill out.” He raises his hands in protest.
    
  “Sorry” I whisper. “Why did she tell me to stay away from you? Following in her words, that she’ll kill me.”
    
“She said that?” He whispers, sounding mortified. “Ella-” he pauses and swallows. This obviously is something personal to him. “I have to tell you because she hurt you, which as a matter of fact, she had no fucking right to do. But it’s entirely my fault. I think it was a girl named Sarah. She was my ex-girlfriend. Well, is my ex-girlfriend.  She never targeted Jenna because Jenna is popular. She must have found out about you through the Internet. You are an easy target, Ella.” He is studying my face for a reaction but I’m calm, blunt, and stunned. The pain is still radiating in my head and a headache has swept through. I rub my forehead with my hand and accidentally rub my cut.
Shit, that hurt.
    
“She’s mental, Ella. When I finished with her, she stormed into my house and destroyed my room. All my clothes were cut and all my stuff smashed. She’s been trying to get me back for at least a year. I’m not interested in her. I never was really. She tried to force me to have sex with her, forced me to take her on dates. She made me tell everyone I knew that she was my girlfriend and that I loved her. She was messed up then. She’s even more messed up now.”
    
“So, she wants to hurt me, to get to you? How would she know where I was? Why would she have a gang with her? This makes no sense, Luke.” My voice becomes a fraction of a whisper. “I thought it was Jenna, I was terrified.” I look down at my knotted fingers and he comes to sit next to me. I move over to the other seat and look out the window. He shuts the door and the car spirals into complete darkness.
    
“I’m so sorry, Ella, I don’t know what to say. I needed to see you, to hear you, to be close to you, and I find you here like this, attacked, and it’s my fault. It kills me. I’m going to be brutally honest, Ella." He sighs and closes his eyes. Reopening them, he continues. "There is this attraction I feel with you. I never felt it before, but now it follows me everywhere. It won't move on. Since we kissed the other day, my mind hasn’t escaped you. It scares me, Ella.”
    
“I scare you?” I whisper.
    
“No, quite the opposite.” He lets out a loud sigh. The tension has dramatically increased in the car. The windows have steamed up from our body heat. I decide to write on the one closest to me.

Love is a quest and you’re not my ending.

I unlock the door and step out into the open; the cold air fills my lungs.
    
“Ella, what are you doing?”
    
“Staying away from you.” I slam the door. I know I’m going to get a reaction, and I think I like that feeling. As if on cue, he steps out and walks around to where I’m stood.  I turn to look at him and all I can see is his outline. What a fine outline he is.
    
“You don’t know me, Luke. My heart has a thousand secrets all hidden away just for me. Why jeopardize my feelings and create a world of emotion that I can't contradict? Why break my heart before it’s even fully yours to break?” I move and rest my back against the cool metal of the car door and slide down to the soft grass below. I feel Luke copy my motions. He sits next to me, our arms touching. He picks up my hand and kisses each knuckle individually.
    
“I wish this could work, Ella, but I don’t know how.” He puts his arm around me and I shuffle so I can rest my head on his shoulder.
    
“Life is a mystery as you say, maybe love is too. I’m not the girl for you, Luke. I mean, I have problems okay, so many. I can’t get you involved in my life, just as you don’t want me in yours. I don’t even know if I’ve made it into college. Well, the one I want. I got into UCLA to study, but it’s so far away. I got into their extension writers' program. They only accept just over 400 students per year, so I’m lucky I guess. Something in my life has finally gone my way. I just don’t think I’ll do very well.”
    
“You will, Ella.” He said very matter of factly.
    
“You barely know me, Luke.” I mutter too quietly.
    
“I know you better than you think.” I raise my head to look at him, even though I can see nothing.
    
“Luke, I’m a very private person. My life is sealed off from everyone apart from my sister. Even Jade doesn’t know me that well. My life is a lie, Luke. Everything is a lie. I have a voice that just sits there, and at inappropriate times, tells me I’m worthless. That I’m pointless, and that never goes away, it never leaves me.” I let out a sigh and softly shake my head.
 

Ella you need to talk to him. Talk to someone.
“Luke - I have baggage, so I’m not right for you. You have money, a stunning girlfriend, and an expensive car. You get invited everywhere. All the local parties and pep rallies. In the last year, I’ve only been invited to the writer's lunch and that was insistent. I don’t have a typical fun high school life. I’m boring, and you’re fun, and exciting, and handsome.”
    
“That’s what you assume, but it’s not the truth. Truth is, is that I’m just as scared as you. Just as worried. Frightened in fact. Life is scary, Ella, I have problems too, you’re not the only one.”
    
“Don’t judge me, Luke!” I snap.
    
“Like you didn’t judge me just a minute ago.” He mutters under his breath.
    
“I don’t need this, I don't need you, I’m going.” I go to get up and he grabs me and pulls me onto his lap so that I’m astride him. I let out a scream and it turns into a giggle.
    
“Kiss me,” he whispers.
    
“No.” I whisper back and bend myself, so that I’m next to his ear. I inhale his beautiful scent. "Like I said, maybe when high school is done.” I smile under my words, and it feels good to reject someone else rather than be the victim. As I pull away, he grabs and gently holds either side of my face, his hands in my hair. He pulls me closer, so that our lips are barely touching.
    
“Ella, what are you doing to me?” his whisper is unraveling and I want to kiss him, but I won't, I can’t get hurt, not again.
    
“Likewise, Luke.” I breathe back. I’m biting my bottom lip and our heartbeats and muttered breaths are all that is heard among the crickets and night animals. I feel confidence sweep me and I raise my hand to his heart.
    
“Maybe one day, when high school and college is done and there is no-one to worry us, I can have this, Luke. To care and look after me, to love me. But for now, until that day, I can’t see you, because all I’ll want to do is hold your hand, kiss your lips, and sleep side-by-side with you. Breathe the same air as you, but we can’t, and our fate has been intervened. Maybe one day, but not today.” I climb to walk away and he pulls gently on my hand.
    
“No, Ella-”
    
“Bye, Luke.”
    
“Please let me take you home. It’s the least I could do.” His voice sounds hurt and quiet.
    
“Fine, I’ll have to walk to wherever this is in the morning.”
    
“Ella, I said I’d pick you up and bring you back, and I will.” I climb off of his legs and walk around to open the passenger door. When he climbs into the driver's seat, he pauses.
“Ella, I don’t think I can just be your friend.” He sighs and shakes his head.
    
“Then don’t be.” I whisper, a plea, a beg. The tension is back and it is driving us together, but neither of us a take a chance or a moment to notice and take control. I don't understand my words, what this is.
    
“You know I can’t, Ella.” His tone is blunt and filled with hidden regret.
    
“Why not? Because it’ll destroy your high school reputation? It’ll ruin your chance of being 'Prom King'? Everyone will laugh, and point, and stare at you? Welcome to my fucking world.” The anger in my voice subsides immediately. “You know what's funny? I voted for you to be Prom King, stupid huh?” I smile and stifle a laugh he joins in. When we stop, seriousness surrounds us again.
    
“That's not the reason. None of those things you have just said are the reason.” His voice is shaken.
    
“Then what?” What could he possibly mean? If he won't be ashamed of me?
    
“I can't fall in love with you. Not now, give or take two or three months ago then maybe, but I can’t go to college and be in love.”
    
“That's so selfish of you! Maybe I don’t want your love. I don’t want you if you really don’t want me. I feel, I don’t know what I feel, but ever since I looked at you and kissed you, I became entrapped with you. I just can’t forget you. Everything I have written today has been about you. You have captured me, Luke, like a hopeless butterfly caught in a net. What angers me the most, is that I can’t do anything about it. There is something I want to share with you before we only become, well, friends.”
    
I open the door and walk toward my car. Luke leaves the headlights of his unnecessarily expensive jeep thing on so we can see what we are doing. I check my back pocket, and to my surprise, there are my keys, just sat there in my pocket. I pull them out and Luke studies me with dominance.
    
“No, Luke, I’m not going to drive. I’m just going to put my iPod on.” I smile at him and he smiles back. I finally feel some relaxation after the whole charade. I put on the song that I think fits the moment. 'Heartbeats' fills our ears and a gentle soft guitar immediately makes me feel at ease. I climb onto the hood of my Mustang.
    
“Who is this?” Luke asks.
    
“Jose Gonzalez. The song is called Heartbeats. It’s fitting, come on.” I hold my hand out for him to follow me onto the hood of my car. He takes it and we laugh when he falls against the hard metal.
    
“Lay back and look at true beauty. The stars are out in full force tonight. It’s a perfect night for stargazing. Isn’t the sky beautiful? I always count myself lucky to have life, so I can have moments like this. See magnificent things, with these magnificent camera’s we all call eyes. Capturing and memorizing our precious memories and storing them in our own personal photo album.”
    
“Like a human camera.” He whispers.
    
“Like a human camera.” I repeat.
We sit and gaze for at least ten minutes, neither of us speaking, Heartbeats playing on repeat, and right now, I could listen to it forever. I drop my hands to my side, and it’s then that Luke grabs my hand. His fingers weave and lock with mine, and an unexplained shiver takes over my body. I sit up immediately and he follows.
    
“You can’t do that.” I protest.
    
“I can, Ella, and I will.” Before I can even mutter a reply he is over me, kissing me with such persistence and force that I'm demanded to lay back. Butterflies explode in my stomach and over power me. His kiss grows deep and he toys and bites my bottom lip. I let out a groan and give his tongue easy access to fight mine. Our tongues lock and caress each other, it feels like a real kiss should, but this one just means so much more. His hands hold my face and bury into my hair, his body is leant over mine, delicately avoiding hurting me. When he gently lets go, he is breathless. I’m staring into his eyes and the green of his connects with the grey of mine. He rests his forehead on mine and closes his eyes.
    
“Ella,” He breathes. “Date me, let's go somewhere. Let's try.”
    
“You’ll be made fun of, Luke. They will all make jokes.”
    
“I don’t care. I want to get to know you. I want to know you, Ella. All of you. What your favorite food is, where you grew up, what your favorite perfume is, and what's your favorite song? Your best memory and your personal goal. Do you like tea or coffee? I just want to know you, Ella.” I shift underneath him and he gently slides off me and onto the grass.
    
“Luke, it’s late, we need to go.” I climb down, retrieve my keys from the ignition, and walk back to his car. I try the passenger door, and it’s locked.
    
“Unlock this please.” He stands and comes behind me, my back to his front. He puts his head next to my ear and breathes in.
    
“No." His whisper is almost seductive. “Turn around, Ella, let me see you.” I turn, and he doesn’t look at me - but kisses me and lets me fall deep into him again. My hands are pinned under him against the car. I break away and my breathing calms.
    
“Open the door, Luke.”
    
“Date me.” He demands.
    
“Maybe.” I say, through an unrecognized smile. He opens the door with the key, rather than the key fob, and doesn’t take his eyes off mine. When it unlocks, he lets me go.
    
“Thank you.”
    
“You're welcome.” He walks around the car and gets into the driver's side. He slides into his seat with such grace.
    
“Mac and cheese, Charlotte - North Carolina, I don’t wear perfume, Dream Catch Me, watching Holly grow up, to be a writer, and coffee. Anything else?” I don’t think I stopped to breathe. I look at him and catch his smile. He starts the car and the huge engine roars to life.
    
“Mac and cheese huh? Interesting choice.” His smile is infectious.
    
“I like mac and cheese.” I grumble. “What kind of car is this? It’s huge, just for one person.”
    
“It’s a Mercedes ML-Class 4.0 v8 diesel. I got it for my eighteenth birthday. Are you going to continue to ask me pointless questions or are we going to talk about what just happened?” The car speeds slightly and I can tell instantly from his driving, he is getting anxious.
    
“I don't know what to say, Luke. I like you kissing me. Feeling all those magical flutters flow through my veins, it’s like an explosion that I can’t subside.” I shake my head and he slows the speed of the car slightly.
    
“I like kissing you too.” He breathes. He plays around with something on the steering wheel and the car is filled with music. '
When September ends'.
As he drives, the song sends me off into a daydream.
The lyrics are speaking to me in a way they shouldn’t. I try to block it out, but here it comes. It’s back and raging in full force.
I need to cut.
No, I don’t!
Cut Ella! Cut! Cut!
NO!
My mind is torturing me. I must have forgotten to take my pills. I’m oblivious to where I am.
I’m with Luke. He cares for me.
No, I don’t need to cut.
I don't.
I don’t.
I FUCKING DON’T.
Okay Ella, calm down.
Remember what your Dr. said. Happiness is with the beholder.
No, Luke, doesn’t care for me, he just wants to fuck me.
NO!