Never Say Goodbye (44 page)

Feeling fussed by the thought, she firmly pushed it aside and concentrated on more positive thoughts. What was surprising her most these days was how different the world had started to seem since she’d found out about her secondaries. Or maybe it was she who’d changed, because she didn’t feel quite as panicked as she had the day she’d left Mr Beck’s office, or as desperate and angry. In fact, once she’d found the wherewithal to start fighting her way past all the self-pity and black dread, it had been like stepping slowly out of a violent storm into a beautiful sunny day. Perhaps that was putting it a bit too strongly: the violent storm was right, but the beautiful sunny day was more of a break between downpours. Still, she’d definitely found an inner strength she hadn’t been aware of before, and a way of speaking her mind that often left Jeff open-mouthed.

‘I don’t know what’s got into you,’ he’d tell her at times, ‘it must be the stuff they’re pumping into your veins, because you never used to be like this.’

‘Like what?’

‘I don’t know, cheeky, a bit full of yourself. I’m not saying it’s wrong, I’m just saying you’re more upfront than you used to be.’

She hadn’t told him yet why she’d changed, partly because she didn’t really know how to put it into words, or if it was even going to last; and partly because no one needed to know how bad things were for her until after the wedding. The only person she talked to was Bel, who, in spite of how hard Josie argued, couldn’t be persuaded to leave her to get on with it.

‘You had your share of all this when your sister was ill,’ Josie had told her firmly. ‘I’m not going to make you go there again, but thank you very much for caring. I’ve loved having you as a friend. It’s helped in ways you probably don’t even know and made me feel very special, but it’s time to start putting yourself first now.’

‘I’m not listening to any more of your nonsense,’ Bel had protested, and that was what she kept on saying every time Josie tried to tell her that she ought not to be worrying about someone who wasn’t even her family.

In truth, Josie was relieved not to lose Bel. She had to admit that she didn’t feel strong and brave the entire time, and it was lovely to have someone to talk to when the demons started crashing about like hooligans trying to do their worst. However, the instant she sensed it getting too much for Bel she was going to put her foot down, and that would be that.

She wondered if she might become friends with Miriam, Jasper’s mother. Not that she’d ever dream of offloading her problems, but what a lovely person she had turned out to be, and her husband Richard. Lily was right, they weren’t stuck up at all, quite a laugh, in fact, which had come as a surprise to her and Jeff. They’d been the last to leave the Crustacean on the night they first met, and Richard hadn’t allowed Jeff to contribute a penny to the bill. One of these days they’d find a way to return the hospitality, but meantime Miriam was insisting on joining the Pink Ribbonwalk next month. Josie was thrilled about that, especially as she could imagine her getting along very well with Bel.

‘You still here?’ Debbie Prince snorted, seeming genuinely surprised as she came back into the room. ‘So, where was we? Oh that’s right, you want me . . .’

‘What I was saying before you left,’ Josie interrupted with much bravado, ‘was that my son confessed to the assault, because your son threatened to harm his family if he didn’t.’

Debbie Prince’s eyebrows shot skywards. ‘Is that right?’ she drawled.

Josie nodded.

‘Well, it seems to me,’ Debbie Prince retorted, ‘if your son confessed to something he didn’t do then he’s an even bigger fuckwit than you are for coming here expecting me to care.’

Josie took a breath. She wasn’t going to allow this woman to get under her skin; if she did they’d end up in some shrewish slanging match which she definitely wouldn’t win. So, remembering the moral high ground was hers, she put on a disbelieving tone as she said, ‘You really don’t care?’

Debbie Prince shook her head.

‘You mean, you think it’s all right for an innocent boy to serve a prison term for a crime your son committed?’

‘Hang on, hang on,’ Debbie Prince protested, ‘your son was there that night, he got the key that let them into the place, so don’t come the innocent boy with me. He’s fucking guilty, that’s why he’s gone down.’

‘He’s not guilty of assault.’

Debbie Prince’s eyes narrowed.

Suspecting the woman had known all along this was true, Josie said, ‘It was his first offence; if he hadn’t been forced to confess to the assault he might only have got probation.’

Reaching for her cigarettes, Debbie Prince lit another and inhaled deeply. ‘You know what I don’t get,’ she said, smoke skittering about her mouth and nose as she spoke, ‘is why you think, for a single minute, that I’d do what you’re asking.’

‘I’m appealing to you as one mother to another,’ Josie replied.

Debbie Prince seemed to find that amusing. ‘You’ve got to know,’ she smirked, ‘that even if I tried to get Shane to cop to it, he’d tell me to go and get my fucking head fixed. So maybe that’s what you should do, little lady, because you definitely ain’t thinking straight.’

‘I want my son to come home,’ Josie said quietly, ‘because I’m not sure how much longer I have to live.’

Debbie Prince cocked an incredulous stare.

‘I don’t want to die,’ Josie continued, ‘without being able to hold him this side of a prison wall.’

Debbie Prince blew out two more lungfuls of smoke. ‘Very touching,’ she commented, ‘but we’re all going to die sometime. Could be tomorrow, could be next week, could be fifty years from now, so why should that make a difference?’

‘I have an incurable cancer,’ Josie told her, feeling surprisingly strengthened by speaking the words aloud. ‘So in my case it’s likely to be sooner rather than later.’

Debbie Prince grimaced as she nodded. ‘You’ve got cancer,’ she repeated. ‘And I’ve got to believe that because?’

‘Do you really think I’m lying?’

‘You could be.’

Reaching up, Josie removed the scarf from her naked head and continued to look at her. It was rare she allowed anyone to see her like this, she didn’t even look in the mirror if she could help it, so it came as a shock when Debbie Prince only shrugged.

‘So you’re bald,’ she said. ‘For all I know you shaved it off before coming here to make me feel sorry for you.’

She surely didn’t believe that. On the other hand, she could have been thinking there were no lengths a mother wouldn’t go to for a child. ‘And my eyebrows and eyelashes?’ Josie asked. ‘Do you think I shaved them too?’

Debbie Prince took a lengthy pull on her cigarette and sucked it in sharply.

Josie waited, hating sitting here exposing herself like this, but if it worked, and she managed to get Shane Prince’s mother on her side, it would have been worth every second.

‘Do you know what I reckon?’ Debbie Prince said eventually. ‘I reckon it’s time for you to cover up that head of yours and take yourself off home.’

Though she could have gone on arguing, Josie conceded that she was unlikely to get any further today, so getting to her feet she retied the scarf. ‘Will you at least think about what I’m asking?’ she prompted.

‘Tell you what,’ Debbie Prince replied, ‘I’ll do more than that, I’ll tell my old man about it next time I visit, it’ll give us a good laugh.’

Josie regarded her with pity. ‘Are you really that cold-hearted?’

Debbie Prince didn’t answer, merely walked out to the front door and tugged it open. ‘Nice meeting you, Mrs Clark,’ she said, as Josie passed. ‘Hope you don’t get run over by a bus on the way home,’ and cackling through a cough at her tasteless joke she disappeared back inside.

Refusing to feel despondent, or even disheartened, Josie picked her way through the dumping ground of a garden, past an old BMW raised on bricks, and out through what would have been a gate if one had been attached to the rusted hinges. At least she’d tried, and in spite of how unpleasant Debbie Prince had been she might yet find a conscience and speak to her son.

Of course, even if she did, Josie had no idea if the authorities could then be persuaded to release Ryan, but they certainly wouldn’t if she sat back and did nothing.

Who’d ever have thought a terminal diagnosis could be this empowering, she was thinking as she began the risky walk back through the northern part of the estate. Not her, that was for sure, but the way she was trying to make herself see it, with Bel’s help, was that she had a few choices, and it was up to her which ones she went for. She could turn to God, who she didn’t really know and who never seemed to have any worthwhile answers to the questions she put to him (no answers at all, in fact). Or she could become all spiritual and take up chanting and meditating, which would totally freak Jeff out. Or she could bury her head in the sand and pretend it wasn’t happening (this was quite a good fallback now and again, she had to admit). Or she could NOT live her life as if it was all about cancer and dying. Come to think of it, she might be doing a bit of everything, because she’d started saying a prayer or two when she went to the church about the wedding (just a little request asking for courage and thanking him for all the good things she had, just in case he was in some way responsible for them). Plus she was reading some interesting books Bel had given her –
Chicken Soup for the Soul
and
The Power of Now
(she especially liked the second one). And when she wasn’t pretending it wasn’t happening, and she wasn’t exhausted by the chemo, she could feel quite uplifted by the way she was able to go about her day with a confidence and appreciation of the world and its people that she’d never really had before.

In fact, it was like she was floating about on a cloud, while the rest of the world got themselves all jammed up in impossible traffic.

Taking out her mobile as it rang, she saw it was Bel and immediately clicked on. ‘Great minds,’ she announced, stepping back as a white van sped by, too close to the kerb, ‘I was about to call you.’

‘Where are you?’ Bel asked, clearly picking up on the wail of a siren as it chased the van.

Waiting for the police car to pass, Josie said, ‘In the north part of the estate. I’ve just been to see Debbie Prince.’

There was a beat of shocked silence before Bel said, ‘You mean the mother of Shane?’

‘That’s her. A charming lady, if you measure charm by tattoos and rotting teeth.’

Sounding amused, Bel said, ‘So what did you say to her?’

After recounting the details, Josie said, ‘You know, I still can’t quite believe she thought I’d lie about having cancer.’

‘Whatever she thought, you are totally amazing, do you know that?’ Bel told her.

Enjoying the praise, Josie said, ‘I’d agree if I’d persuaded her to see things my way.’

‘Never mind, at least you’ve left her with something to think about, and who knows, she might decide to do the decent thing.’

‘Indeed, but I won’t be holding my breath. I just feel better for having done it, that’s all. It’s good to be proactive, as you put it.’

‘As
I
put it?’ Bel cried. ‘I think it’s you who came up with the term, and it’s definitely you who’s living it. I just wonder what you’re going to do next with this new lion heart of yours.’

‘A ten-mile walk the weekend after next,’ Josie reminded her, crossing the street to avoid a couple of hoodies on bikes. She didn’t want them snatching her bag or her phone; it would only make her mad, and she was trying to avoid negative energy.

‘The way you’re carrying on I wouldn’t put it past you,’ Bel declared. ‘Have you heard back about the fashion show yet?’

Josie’s spirits took a dip. ‘No, but I don’t expect they’ve chosen me. I’m too short and we can’t be sure I’ll still be around by then.’ Amazing how relaxed she could make herself sound about it, when it had just thumped a black hole into her heart.

‘It’s only a few months,’ Bel protested, ‘you’re definitely not going anywhere before that.’

‘Says you, and I hope you’re right. Anyway, I expect they get loads of applicants.’

‘Probably, but don’t give up on it yet. You could still be in with a chance.’

‘I have to admit I hope so, because I really fancy doing it if only to see Jeff’s face when I come strutting down the catwalk. Not that we’ll get him there, I’m sure, but I expect you or Lily would film it and we could show him when we got home. Anyway, that’s not the only surprise I’ve got in store for him, but I won’t tell you what the other is now, I want to do a bit of work on it first then see what you think.’

‘I’m intrigued,’ Bel laughed.

‘So am I,’ Josie confessed, ‘and you’ll see what I mean when you know what it is. Anyway, what’s going on with you? Is your brother-in-law any better?’

Sighing, Bel said, ‘He’s over the flu, but he’s still in a bad place where everything else is concerned.’

‘So he hasn’t been to see a counsellor yet?’

‘He says he has, but I’m not sure I believe him.’

‘Are the children still with you?’

‘Yes, I’m about to go and pick them up from school, then we’ve got football practice, ballet, and something else I’ve forgotten, but I’m sure it’ll come back to me.’

‘Hang on,’ Josie said, ‘someone else is trying to get through. It might be Hollywood offering me a part,’ and enjoying Bel’s splutter of laughter, she clicked to the other line. ‘Hello, Josie Clark at your service.’

‘What?’ Jeff exclaimed.

‘Hello love, I knew it was you. Are you OK?’

‘Of course I am, but where are you? I just came home to check on you and the house is empty.’

‘Ah yes, well I thought I’d take myself for a little walk,’ she explained. ‘It’s such a lovely spring day, and the sun was shining when I set out.’

‘Well it’s not now, it’s starting to rain, so where are you and I’ll come and get you.’

‘Oh, there’s no need. I’ll be back before you can turn the car round. Why don’t you just put the kettle on and we can have a nice cup of camomile or orange blossom when I get in.’

‘I reckon those fruit teas are going to your head,’ he grunted, and abruptly rang off.

‘I’m back,’ she told Bel. ‘So what about the barn? Did you exchange today, like you were supposed to?’