Never Say Never (Lakeview Contemporary Romance Book 3) (33 page)

R
obin sat
in her hotel room, trying to decide what to do until her mum arrived that evening. She had nothing on today, and there had been no point in staying any longer at Leah’s. The poor thing was in bits, and not just with her hangover. She’d apologised over and over again, trying to convince Robin that Kate simply didn’t know better and that she’d always been unnecessarily harsh on her.

Robin didn’t care what Kate thought. She’d had her reasons for staying away. Olivia knew that and, in fairness, had somehow seemed to understand it.

But why? Why was it so easy for Olivia to forgive her? Why had she always made excuses for her? Why hadn’t she gone beserk when Robin had let her down like that? Many times over the years Robin had tried to imagine what she would have done in Olivia’s situation. She didn’t think she could forgive and go on as if nothing had happened, like Olivia had. Olivia had been so calm, so friendly last night at dinner that it was almost unreal.

She checked the time – it was just after one pm – just after eight am New York time. She should catch Ben before he left for his morning jog. Ben religiously went for a jog every morning, even on Sundays.

“Hey. How’s it all going over there?” Ben’s friendly voice cheered her up instantly, but at the same time made her miss him even more.

“It’s OK, a bit tiring though. The journalists just ask the same questions over and over again. They don’t really need to talk to me – all they need to do is copy everything directly from the press release.”

“Get out of that – I’ll bet you’re loving all the attention,” he laughed.

She raised a smile. “Well, I’ll admit I did enjoy the first TV one, apart from the dreadful make-up.”

“I hope you kept me a recording – I’m dying to find out if you come across like you have an American twang.”

“No – that would be you,” Robin teased him.

“So what else is going on over there? Did you get a chance to see your mum or your friends? What about Leah?”

“I’m meeting Mum this evening, and I was out with Leah last night for her birthday.”

“Great – I’m glad you got the chance to meet up, although I hope you didn’t bump into any old flames or anything?”

Robin smiled sadly. If only he knew.

“No.”

Then she heard their apartment intercom ringing in the background.

“That’s probably Dave. He’s tagging along this morning. The poor guy is desperate to get rid of his love-handles.”

“I’d better go too. I’m on the hotel phone, so I’m sure it’s costing me a fortune.”

“Bill it to the publishers,” he said with a laugh. “Look, give me a call when you get to London. I wish I could have gone with you, Robin – I think I’m more excited about this than you are.”

She smiled. “I’ll be home soon and I promise I’ll tell you all about it. In the meantime, you’d better let poor Dave in before those love-handles get any worse.”

“OK, I’m going, I’m going. Love ya lots and tell your mum I said hello, OK? Bye.” With that, Ben hung up.

Robin replaced the receiver feeling bereft. Ben seemed so far away and in all honesty she felt lost in this place. She missed him desperately, much more than she’d expected. He really was the most important person in her life now, the only one who trusted her and loved her for what she was. And yet she’d always been so unwilling to yield fully to that, to accept his love for her at face value – or to risk telling him about her past. Robin supposed it was because she’d never been really able to convince herself that she was worth loving. After the mistakes she’d made in the past, why should she deserve it? The last man she’d given herself to fully had made that all too clear. He’d abandoned her at her most vulnerable and had robbed her not only of her self-esteem, but of everything that was important. He’d robbed her of her friendships.

Coming home had been hard, and although Robin had always known deep down that she’d have to do it eventually, visiting the graveyard the other day had been even harder. But still she had to do it.

She’d felt like an interloper standing there, reading the so familiar but yet equally alien name inscribed on the headstone. It was all so surreal. She noticed how well Olivia was taking care of the grave; it was obviously regularly attended, and she’d recently left some fresh flowers. She saw what must have been little Ellie’s contribution of some childish paintings of a house and some happy-looking people, a happy family. At this, a lump came to Robin’s throat as she realised that she really didn’t belong there; she had no right to be there, just as she had no right to be at the funeral all those years ago. Not a single day had gone by for Robin without a sense of aching regret, regret for not being there and regret for what had gone before. Kate thought she knew it all, but in fact she had no idea.

No idea how desperately difficult it was for Robin to come home and say goodbye to someone she too had loved deeply, but never had any right to.

C
atherine sat
in her favourite spot by the front window, unable to concentrate on anything other than Matt and Adam at the hospital. He’d sent her away earlier this morning, telling her to go home and get some sleep.

But Catherine couldn’t sleep, not when the most important people in her life were in trouble. She didn’t know what she would do if anything happened to Adam. And she knew Matt wouldn’t be able to cope with losing him either, after all he’d suffered after Natasha.

Catherine sighed guiltily. She’d been a fool to think that she could keep Matt all to herself. He didn’t love her. He never had. He was in love with Olivia now, and there was nothing she could do to change that. And now, with all that had happened in the last twelve hours, she didn’t know if she wanted to any more.

Matt was going through a very tough time just now, and Olivia had obviously had a tough time of it too, losing her husband and blaming herself for his death. It must have been hard enough to deal with the loss, let alone feel as though she’d contributed to it. Catherine shook her head. Maybe, in a strange way, taking on the burden of guilt for her husband’s death was Olivia’s way of coping with her grief – in the same way that Catherine tried to cope with her unrequited love for Matt by transferring hate and suspicion onto Olivia.

And that was it, wasn’t it, she thought, the severity of Adam’s illness mellowing her senses and letting her see it all in a new perspective. Matt didn’t love her, at least not in the way she wanted him to. He loved Olivia, and why shouldn’t he? Take away the jealousy and she supposed Olivia was a nice enough woman, although she had nothing on Natasha. But Catherine knew that no one would ever replace Natasha in Matt’s eyes – not Olivia, and certainly not her. Natasha simply couldn’t be replaced, no matter how much she believed it, no matter how hard she tried. But nevertheless he had fallen for Olivia – she made him happy and maybe the two of them deserved that. They had both been through enough.

Maybe she should just let Olivia and Matt get on with it and she should get on with her own life. She’d get over Matt, eventually – she had no other choice. And Conor wasn’t the worst either, was he? What had started out as a little fling had gradually become something more, and only recently, Conor had said something about taking their relationship ‘to the next level’, whatever that meant. He was crazy about her, and although she had convinced herself she was only using him to get to Matt, deep down she did enjoy his company. And in all honesty, he was a pretty decent prospect for a girl like her; he had more than a few quid in the bank, and a very nice house on the Dublin Road. So, Catherine decided, catching sight of a car rounding the corner at the entrance to the green, maybe she should just forget about Matt once and for all, and concentrate her energies on nabbing Conor before he went in search of someone else.

The car stopped outside Olivia’s house and a tall, dark and – from what she could make out – attractive man, got out. He paused outside the house for a moment, as if unsure whether or not he had the right address.

But no, Catherine decided, shifting her position to get a better view, it wasn’t that, it was more like he was hesitating, pausing for breath. Then, feeling more than a little silly, she shook her head. Her imagination really did run away with her sometimes. The poor guy was probably nothing other than a salesman.

But by the look of utter horror on Olivia’s face when she opened the door to him, Catherine knew that this man wasn’t just a salesman.

“
W
hat are you doing here
?” she asked, her voice a low whisper, her face white with shock.

He looked nervously at her, his features soft, his expression grave. “I wanted to see you. I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t but –” he ran a hand through his hair, through those locks that just then she ached to touch. “I … I
needed
to see you.”

Why did he have to come here now – today? When she was feeling terrible and even worse, she thought,
looking
terrible. Her hair was unwashed and still matted from the night before, and she knew she hadn’t bothered removing her make-up. She’d barely dressed herself this morning – her mind had been completely elsewhere, and she just didn’t have the energy.

“Can we talk? Please?” he asked.

She bit her lip, trying desperately not to just launch herself into his arms, which she knew in her current state of mind she could so easily do. He looked tired and drained, devoid of spirit. He looked … vulnerable.

And he was obviously suffering too.

“Can I come in? Just for a minute or two, and I’ll understand if you don’t want to, but …”

He looked directly into her eyes then, and her stomach leapt with the old familiar sense of longing. “I miss you so much, Leah.”

She knew she shouldn’t, she had to be strong, but it was so hard. “Josh, we’ve been through this before. There’s nothing more to say.” Her voice sounded strange and alien, even to her.

“I know that, and I know you’re probably still very angry with me, but Leah … I just can’t explain how sorry I am.” His voice was thick with emotion. “I made the biggest mistake of my life, I know that. But I also know that I love you.”

“Josh, don’t …” Leah didn’t want to hear this, yet at the same time she
did
want to hear it. These last few weeks she could barely sleep or eat for thinking about it, for thinking about him, and how much she missed him too. And last night had been especially hard, which is why she’d ended up drinking so much. She’d hoped that getting really drunk would numb the pain and the emptiness she felt without him.

Still, no matter how much she loved him and missed him, Josh had done something unforgivable – Leah had to remember that. There was no going back.

Her mind firmly set, she decided that she’d listen to what he had to say, but that was it. Definitely.

Maybe …

“Look, it’s OK if you don’t want to let me in. But I don’t want to say what I have to say out here. This is between us, just the two of us.”

“Josh, it would have been just the two of us, if you hadn’t gone off with some slapper,” she shot back, the reminder of his betrayal giving her the strength she needed.

“I know that,” he said contritely. “And I’ve suffered over that too, as much as you have – if not more,” he added, when he saw her expression.

Leah sighed. “Come in then,” she said, going inside and expecting him to follow her.

Josh quietly closed the door behind him. “Happy Birthday, by the way,” he said with a hesitant smile, taking in all her birthday cards on the mantelpiece.

“Thank you for the flowers.” Leah indicated the lush bouquet on the coffee table. She’d been all at once annoyed and touched that he’d sent them, touched because he hadn’t forgotten, and annoyed that he’d had the cheek.

“I wasn’t sure …” he shrugged.

The two of them sat at opposite ends of the room, Josh in ‘his’ armchair, and Leah curled up on the couch and under the blankets Robin had used only a few hours earlier. They served as some kind of comfort, some kind of barrier if necessary.

“Leah …” Again, Josh ran a hand through his hair, as if unsure where to begin. “I don’t really know where to start, so I suppose I’ll just come right out and say it. I know I messed up big-time.”

She said nothing, assuming that he expected her to agree, to move the conversation along. She wasn’t doing him any favours.

“That ‘thing’ I did – was one of the lowest moments in my life. I was disgusted with myself for letting you down, for letting myself down, for risking all that we had because I was feeling left out. That’s exactly how I felt, Lee,” he said, when she raised an eyebrow. “I felt left out of everything, thought that you didn’t want me to share all the great things that were going on in your life.” She opened her mouth to say something, but he stopped her. “Before you say anything, yes, I know it was stupid. It was stupid and immature and pathetic but it was the way I felt. I never liked that Andrew Clarke, you know that.”

“I do know that, but I could never understand why. Andrew never did anything to you. Actually, he likes you. He thinks you and I are well suited.”

“Does he now?” Josh sniffed.

“Yes, he does,” Leah heard her voice rise an octave, “and I’m not going over this again with you, Josh. Don’t you dare try and tell me that you went back to your ex for a night of passion, just because you couldn’t handle your own stupid jealousy!”

“Lee, calm down, that wasn’t it,” he soothed. “In a way it
was
jealousy I suppose, but not the kind you think. With one flick of his expensive Mont Blanc pen, Clarke gave you everything you wanted. I couldn’t do that. I’m just my dad’s dogsbody, probably always will be, and as a result I felt threatened, useless, all the stupid things I never thought I’d feel. I felt it was
my
place to look after you, to support you in your dream. But he came along with his fat bloody chequebook and blew me out of the water.”

“It wasn’t like that, Josh.
I
approached Andrew for investment. Granted it was a stupid drunken conversation, which at the time I thought wouldn’t amount to anything, but it did. And I’m grateful for that. You said yourself that Elysium is my dream. How could I have turned down that opportunity?”

“I never expected you to, but I also didn’t expect you to be so gung-ho about it. You threw yourself into it without a second thought, and all of a sudden it was Andrew this and Andrew that. Suddenly he was the most important part of your life and I felt unbelievably threatened.”

“Threatened? By an old friend who is, incidentally, married to another old friend?”

“Like I said – it wasn’t like that. I didn’t think there was anything going on between you two, but I couldn’t really express how I felt about it. You threw yourself into setting up the shop and didn’t seem to want me involved in any of it. Instead of telling you how I felt, I just kept niggling you about the business being more important than I was. I know you began to resent me and probably not just for that.”

“What do you mean?”

“Leah, I know you want a child of your own, that you’ve always wanted one. Despite what you said to me about my being enough for you. I know you were affected by Kate’s pregnancy and, despite what you think, I understood how difficult it must have been seeing it all happen for her, all the time knowing that it might never happen for you.

“That’s not fair. I made that decision long ago and it was
our
decision. Kate’s pregnancy shook me a little, but that’s because she’s changed, not because I have.” In a way, he was right, but Leah wasn’t going to allow this to be all about her.

“Well, with everything that was going on, I became confused. After a while, I began to wonder what you were doing with me. I couldn’t help you with your business, I couldn’t give you what you wanted. I was a total failure.”

“Josh, I’m sorry, but this smacks of feeling sorry for yourself.”

“I know it does, and in a way, it is. But the thing is, over the last few weeks, I’ve come to realise how stupid I’ve been, and how wrong I was to deny you the chance of becoming a mother.” He sat forward. “Leah, I know you probably can’t even consider it at the moment, but if you could possibly think about having me back, then I’d like to have a baby.”

Leah blinked, and instantly her heart tightened. “What? Are you serious?”

“Yes, I know it would take a bit of getting used to, but I know you and I could make a go of it and – ”

Never in a million years did she expect this from him, and despite the fact that Josh was now offering her everything she wanted, offering her the chance to start over, strangely, the idea just saddened her. “Josh, you’re delusional. You think that you can just waltz in here, tell me you’re very sorry for being unfaithful, but not to worry, sure a child of our own will make it all right. What planet are you on?”

“I know we’d have some work to do, but – ”

“
Some
work? Josh, it’s too late, there’s no trust any more. And yes, maybe I did play a part in pushing you away and making you feel inadequate, but that doesn’t mean that you had any right to jump into bed with the first available person.”

“I know that, but, Leah, surely we can work on it? I love you, doesn’t that mean anything?”

“It didn’t mean much when you were with her, did it?” she said in a broken voice. She turned away, willing away the tears that were threatening.

Josh moved across to sit beside her on the sofa. “Leah, I messed up – I know that, I knew it straight away. I wanted to tell you, but I knew you’d never forgive me and I didn’t want you to think badly of me.” He touched her hand. “I wish I could make you understand how sorry I am.”

“I’m sure you are, but that doesn’t mean much now.”

“Don’t you think we could work through it, Lee?” he said, his voice soft and hopeful. “It would be a shame to throw away all that we have.”

“Josh, if we don’t have trust then we have nothing.”

“But we can work on that, surely? Look, I know it might be hard for you to believe me at the moment, but I know
I
can do it. I love you more than anyone – you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You’re my best friend, my life, all the usual clichés but they’re clichés because they’re true. I know I want to spend the rest of my life with you, even more now that I know what it’s like to be without you. I know too that you made a big sacrifice to be with me, but what I’m saying now is – if you want – that that doesn’t have to be the case any more. I’m willing to give it a go if you are.” He smiled at Leah then, and amazingly uttered the very words she would have been elated to hear not all that long ago. “Let’s settle down and buy a place of our own – let’s get married and, yes, let’s have kids. We could have a great life, Leah, I know we could. And I’m almost certain that we can get through this. People do, don’t they? If they really love one another, then they can get through anything.”

Leah’s head spun. It was so tempting, so tempting just to throw her arms around him and agree that yes, they could do it, and yes, they could have a great life. He was telling her everything she so badly wanted to hear. But she knew in her heart and soul that she just couldn’t forget what he’d done that easily.

She shook her head, and she could actually feel the tightness in her heart as she said the words. “I’m sorry, Josh, but I know I can’t do that.” She tried desperately to keep her voice even. “It’s over.”

“You don’t really mean that.”

“I do,” she replied, trying to sound more determined that she felt. “And I’m sorry, but I think you should go.”

“Leah, please, just give me one more chance. I know we could make it work, I’m sure of it. Just one more chance.”

“I can’t, Josh – it’s too late.” Leah stood up and, legs shaking like jelly, moved across the room and opened the door. She stood back, appealing to him once more to leave. Josh stared at her, as if unable to believe that she was really serious. “Please,” she asked again.

After a few long moments, Josh acquiesced. “I’m sorry, Leah. Really I am.”

“I know.” Leah refused to meet his eyes, painfully aware that this really was the end. Every inch of her ached with sadness. “Goodbye, Josh.”

She closed the door behind him, shutting him out of her home and out of her life.

As much as she still loved him, and as tempting as it was to take him up on all he promised, she knew she just couldn’t do it. She couldn’t handle his infidelity, the fact that he had broken her trust. She wasn’t one of those people who could just pick up the pieces and move on. She wasn’t strong enough to be one of those people who could forgive and forget.

She just wasn’t Olivia.