Never Say Never (Lakeview Contemporary Romance Book 3) (35 page)

“
C
atherine
, I really need your help,”

She was stony-faced. “I don’t know where he is.”

“His mobile is switched off, and he’s not answering at home. Please, I really need to talk to him.”

“I’m sure you do.”

“It’s very important.”

“I’d imagine it is.”

“Catherine, please.”

She sighed. “Look, I don’t know what’s going on between you two. All I know is that Matt is very annoyed. I presume it might have something to do with that man at your house a while ago?”

“My husband, yes.”

Catherine’s eyes widened. “Wow, no wonder he’s upset.”

Olivia didn’t have the energy to try and explain; she needed to save that for Matt.

“I know he’s here. Can you ask him to come out and talk to me, please?”

He must have gone straight back to Dublin after leaving her house, as Olivia hadn’t been able to reach him at home, and then, some time after Peter left, she finally spotted his car outside Catherine’s.

“I don’t know if he’ll want to talk to you. He certainly doesn’t want to talk to me.”

“Catherine,” Both women turned towards the voice in the hallway. “It’s OK. Come in, Olivia,” Matt said quietly. “We might as well get this over and done with.”

Catherine stood back to let her in, and the three of them stood silently in the hallway. Eventually Catherine spoke. “I’m heading back up to the hospital now anyway,” she said, her voice low and gentler than Olivia had ever heard it.

“He was asking for you earlier,” Matt said, his hard expression softening somewhat.

Olivia waited until the front door closed behind Catherine before speaking.

She smiled warily. “Matt, I don’t know what to say.”

“Neither do I.”

He went into the front room, obviously expecting her to follow him. Olivia obliged and sat nervously on the edge of Catherine’s leather sofa, Matt sitting on an armchair nearby.

“It was only when you mentioned something about Peter’s funeral last night that I realised you thought he was dead,” she began, her voice slow and nervous. “And I really was about to correct you when Catherine rang about Adam and – ”

“But I’ve
always
thought that,” Matt interjected, shaking his head. “The woman in the corner shop told me that you moved here after your husband died.”

Olivia’s eyes widened, surprised at this. “Molly actually
said
that?”

“Yes. I felt a bit uncomfortable about her telling me actually, as I didn’t really know you well at the time, and I hate those gossipy types.”

But – but Molly didn’t know anything,
nobody
in Lakeview knew anything – Olivia had made sure of that. It was the only way she could live in peace, knowing that she’d have none of the pitying smiles and sympathetic looks she’d had in her old estate. She’d never said a word. How on earth had Molly come up with that scenario?

But then, Olivia realised that her insistence on maintaining her privacy had simply made her prime fodder for local gossip. Thinking of it now, she recalled her neighbour Maeve McGrath being quite intrusive in her questions when she was on her way to the graveyard one day, although Olivia hadn’t told her much.

And of course, Maeve and Molly were bosom buddies, so between the two of them they’d taken two and two and come up with fifty. She shook her head, unable to take it all in herself, never mind try and explain all to Matt. Granted she’d never been all that happy to call herself separated as she’d always hoped that someday Peter would return. But yet, she had no idea that all this time her neighbours thought she was a widow. What an absolute mess. Why did they think that when …

But just then it clicked. Just then, Olivia thought she knew exactly why her neighbours had made such an assumption. She turned to Matt.

“Matt, I moved here after Peter and I separated, not long after Ellie was born.”

“But why did she think – ”

“I’m not one hundred per cent sure myself actually, but it might have something to do with my visits to Redford graveyard,” she said, realising that this had to be the most likely scenario. “When they don’t have all the pieces of a puzzle, some people like to try and make the most obvious parts fit.” She sighed. “But I wasn’t visiting Peter there.”

A very long silence hung between them. Eventually, Matt spoke.

“Who – who
were
you visiting then?” he asked.

Olivia’s eyes filled with tears and she tightly grasped her hands together. “Our son. Peter and I lost a toddler, a little boy. His death was the reason we split up.” Her voice began to shake.

Matt leant across and put a comforting hand on her knee. “Olivia, I’m sorry. I just assumed Ellie was your first child.”

Olivia took a deep breath before continuing. “She is, but she isn’t –
wasn’t
– Peter’s first.”

He waited for her to elaborate.

“Peter had a little … romance many years ago, just before we married, actually. He and I had split up at the time.”

“Oh.”

“It was my own fault because I’d initiated the break-up in the first place, and we only found out about the other girl’s pregnancy once we’d made up and become engaged. I was devastated, naturally, but I was madly in love with Peter and in the middle of making plans for our wedding.” She paused slightly, before continuing. “Eventually, I just resolved to get over it, and get on with it.” She shrugged. “I agreed to take on the child as my own.”

“So you and Peter looked after him?” Matt was confused. “But what about the mother?”

Olivia shook her head. “She didn’t want him. As far as she was concerned it was a one-night stand. Peter discovered that she was going to have an abortion, but neither of us would stand for that. So we offered to adopt Jake – that was his name, Jake,” she said, smiling sadly.

“And she let you?”

“As I said, she didn’t really want a baby. She hadn’t long left college and she wanted to go and do her own thing. I expect she felt guilty about the fact that Peter had a fiancée then too, and she didn’t want to rock the boat, as such. She had no problem with letting us adopt him.”

“But she told him about the baby?”

“No, we heard about that from another source. It was good that we did actually, otherwise the poor thing might not have had a chance.”

“You were never going to let that happen anyway,” he said.

“No, despite the fact that little Jake would always be a reminder that Peter had been with somebody else. But, as I said, I couldn’t blame Peter, I couldn’t blame her, I could only blame myself. Right after graduation, I panicked and one day out of the blue I told Peter that our relationship was stifling me. I told him I didn’t want to be with him any more. Matt, you have to understand that Peter and I had been together for years then, and as far as everyone else was concerned it was inevitable that we’d get married and be together forever. They used to call us the Golden Couple. But after college, things changed. I felt terrified, smothered, tied down – it’s hard to explain really. But after some time apart, and some space to determine how I really felt, I decided that I did want to be with him after all.”

“But in the meantime, he was so upset that he shagged someone else? Doesn’t sound like such a nice guy to me,” Matt said sardonically.

“I can see why you’d think that,” she said, “but it wasn’t quite like that. This girl was comforting Peter, they’d been drinking and, well, you know yourself. There was nothing between them.” At least, that’s what Olivia had always tried to convince herself – if she hadn’t, she knew she wouldn’t have been able to go ahead with the wedding, let alone the rest of it.

“So you took on the baby, and the mother didn’t mind. That must have been tough on you all the same.”

She shrugged. “I thought about it a lot, but once I’d made the decision that was it. And he was Peter’s, so as far as I was concerned he was as good as mine. Still, he was a sickly child and sometimes frustrating to look after. I think … well, I
know
that Peter sometimes thought I resented Jake because he wasn’t mine, but that was never the case – it was just that he was difficult to take care of.”

“Catherine told me before that she heard you blamed yourself for your husband’s death.” He shook his head. “But it must have been that you blamed yourself for the
child
’s death. Why? How did it happen?”

“As I said, he was a sickly child and needed a lot of looking after. We had one very tough year when he started going to a crèche – we were so fearful about entrusting him to anybody because he really needed to be watched. The carers at the crèche knew the situation of course and did their part – and all went well for a while.” She paused, her face bleak, then continued with obvious difficulty. “Peter and I had a system going, whereby we kept in close contact during the day … to ensure one of us would always be there to pick him up in the evenings, whatever emergency might overtake either of us at work …” She trailed off, the memory of it all so clear in her mind. “To this day, I still wonder why I went back to work at all, why I didn’t just stay at home and look after him fulltime, but we felt that we could manage – stupidly
I
felt that we could manage. I thought it wouldn’t be good to smother him just because he was difficult, that having him interact with other children would be good for his development. “So, the day he died, you were late collecting him from the crèche?”

“I wasn’t just late, Matt – I completely forgot. I lost track of time …we had an emergency at the centre, and it took a lot longer than expected, and in the middle of it all, I forgot to tell Peter I’d be late and …” her voice shook. “When I realised the time, naturally I panicked. But for some reason, I couldn’t get Peter on the phone, and no one in the crèche was answering … So I just jumped in the car, and to this day I don’t know how I managed to drive home at all, because I knew. Deep down I just
knew
that something had happened, and when I came back and saw the ambulance there …” her words trailed off softly. “I had gone by the crèche on the way, but everything was locked up, and they were all gone”

“So what happened? Why didn’t the crèche wait for you, or even try to contact you?” Matt asked, frowning.

“One of the other mothers, Deirdre – she didn’t know us all that well, she was a newcomer to the estate we were in – she lived down the road from us and she offered to take him home. The crèche would have normally phoned me or Peter to ask, but there was a part-timer on that day who didn’t know any better. So she let him off with the other mother, without consulting with the other carer there, thinking she was doing us a favour. Like Deirdre thought she was doing us a favour. Deirdre brought Jake back to her house with her little boy and gave them both something to eat. She didn’t know any better, and she tried her best but …” She stopped, unable to keep going, the pain of it all just too much.

“He choked on something?” Matt supplied gently. “Olivia, that was just an accident, it wasn’t your fault.”

“He didn’t choke, Matt. He had allergies, and he needed medication,
specialist
medication that only someone with experience could give him. Poor Deirdre didn’t know what to do – she rang her doctor but it was too late.” Olivia looked at him. “My next door neighbour Cora tried to ring me, but stupidly, I had forgotten to bring my mobile, so instead she phoned my mother. But it was too late by that time anyway.” She paused again to try and steady herself. “He died because I wasn’t there to collect him, Matt, and when it all went wrong, I wasn’t there to help.”

Peter had been furious, wanting to blame her, the crèche, poor Deirdre anyone. But ultimately Olivia knew it had been all her fault.

She paused for a moment and Matt let her, giving her the chance to collect herself.

“Within a few minutes of eating a sandwich Deirdre gave him he went into shock and then into a coma. He died before the ambulance came.”

“I’m so sorry, Olivia.”

“Of course, afterwards Peter blamed me, even more than I blamed myself. He accused me of being resentful towards Jake, of being resentful of the fact that he wasn’t mine, that he was a reminder of what Peter had done. That wasn’t the case – I loved him just as much as if he had been mine. Yes, it was difficult living with the peanut allergy, but …”

“A
peanut
allergy?” Matt repeated. “Like your friend Robin’s?” He shook his head. “Wow, I didn’t realise it was so widespread.”

Olivia said nothing more – she just sat there, waiting.

Matt was still talking. “Coincidental, isn’t it? I mean, what are the chances of …”

Then he trailed off, as hearing the words out loud, the realisation hit him.

Olivia knew she didn’t have to explain anything more. “It was no coincidence, Matt,” she confirmed quietly. “Robin was Jake’s mother.”

S
he’d never meant
for it to happen, but it did. She’d never meant to betray her best friend, never meant to fall head over heels for Peter Gallagher but she did. From the very first moment Robin laid eyes on him.

He’d known it too, way back then, on the first night Olivia asked her around for dinner, not long after the episode in the cafeteria. She remembered the way he watched her, the way he followed her with his eyes, and yet all the time continued to be nothing other than charming and gracious to his girlfriend’s new friend. How he made light of ‘saving her life’ that day.

“But you did, Peter,” Olivia had insisted. “If you hadn’t helped with the shot, she might have died.”

“Ah, sure it’s all in a day’s work,” he’d said, laughing it off, but still those watchful eyes were focused on her every movement. It was disconcerting, but strangely exciting.

At least it was for a while, until Robin began spending more and more time with Olivia and her diverse group of friends, some of whom, like Leah and Andrew welcomed her into the fold like she’d been around forever and others, like Amanda, who viewed Robin’s unobtrusive persona and reasonably attractive looks with suspicion. And she’d never been one hundred per cent sure how Kate felt about her.

Not to mention the fact that they all seemed to find her nut allergy freakishly bewildering. But she and Leah in particular seemed to hit it off very well, the fact that the other girl seemed to be as unlucky in love as Robin helping form an instant bond.

When they were all together, Peter’s behaviour was even more disconcerting, as Robin watched him play devoted boyfriend to Olivia and often wondered if she’d been imagining it all. Feeling an absolute heel for even thinking for a second that her new friend’s boyfriend was giving her the eye, Robin resolved to cop on to herself and stop imagining things.

But one night after a few drinks, Peter confirmed her suspicions. “You know there’s something between us, don’t you?” he’d said, slurring slightly. “Something special – a connection.”

“I don’t know … I’m not sure what you’re talking about,” Robin said, precarious exhilaration stirring inside her as she realised exactly what he was saying.

But it was wrong, very wrong and she’d been stupid and naïve. In retrospect, she should have confided in Olivia straightaway, but she hadn’t known her all that long, and she didn’t want her to think badly of her boyfriend, or of Robin. And nothing had actually happened, had it? It was just the drink talking.

Still, Robin couldn’t help but be even more aware of Peter after that, disconcertingly aware. And the problem was she really liked Olivia and had come to like her even more as time went on. It was an uncomfortable situation and yet one that Robin could do nothing about. She was like a moth drawn to Peter’s flame; she knew he could be dangerous and yet she couldn’t resist getting closer.

And then, after graduation, when out of the blue Olivia decided to break up with Peter, Robin had a chance.

She remembered the absolute joy she felt when Olivia told her how trapped she was feeling, how she wasn’t sure if she wanted to head straight for ‘happily ever after’ with Peter. “We’ve been together for as long as I can remember. But who’s to say he’s the right one for me?” she’d said one day. “Who’s to say that I won’t wake up in ten years’ time and decide that I should have played the field a bit more? I’m just not sure any more, Robin. I love him, but I don’t know if I love him enough to commit to him for the rest of my life.”

“So what are you going to do?”

“I’m going to suggest a break,” she said defiantly. “A real break, not just something for the sake of it. I’m going to tell Peter exactly what I told you, that I’m not sure.”

“But what if he takes it badly?” Robin asked, feeling a whirlwind of emotions at the thought of it all. She felt bad that Olivia was so confused and even worse for thinking about how this might benefit her. Maybe after a while, when Olivia and Peter had fully decided that they no longer wanted to be together, then maybe she and Peter could give it a try. The thought of it excited her more than she cared to imagine. Maybe she and Peter were meant to be.

“If he takes it badly, then he takes it badly. But there’s nothing I can do about that, Robin. There’s little point in our going on with the relationship if I’m feeling like this. Anyway, I think Peter will understand. He’s known me for a long time now, and he knows I wouldn’t do something like this without thinking seriously about it.”

But Peter didn’t understand. In fact, Peter went crazy. He couldn’t come to terms with the fact that Olivia had finished with him. He was continuing his training in a city-centre hospital but was so distraught by her leaving that he was turfed out within a few weeks. Olivia didn’t want to speak to him, assuming that the more they trashed it out, the harder it would be to make a clean break. Some time afterwards, she started a job as a veterinarian assistant in a practice in South Dublin, and had little time to concern herself with Peter’s feelings.

A few months passed and soon they had all gone their separate ways, Kate to her new job as a trainee accountant, Leah to France to continue her chef’s training, Andrew to work on his new data-provider software, while Amanda, well … Amanda went to work on getting Andrew to marry her.

And in the meantime, Robin made sure she was there for Peter. Although she tried to convince herself she was acting just as a friend, as a shoulder to cry on, she knew it was much more than that. She was hoping that Peter would eventually realise that Olivia didn’t need him, that he could go on without her, that there was someone else waiting for him, right in front of his eyes.

And after a while, she did convince him, after a while he managed to forget about Olivia, and come to terms with the fact that she was getting on with her life, and he would have to do the same.

So, one night, after Robin casually suggested making him dinner, it happened.

“Dinner – ugh? What will you give me, baked beans on toast?” Peter joked. At that stage, he was almost back to his best.

“I’ll have you know that I’m a great cook and I know a lot about food,” she shot back, feigning annoyance. “You know how careful I am about what I put in my mouth.”

“Remind me never to force anything on you then,” he quipped back, making her embarrassingly aware of her unintentional double-entendre.

But from that moment on, the flirting began, and it didn’t stop until, two bottles of wines later, she and Peter ended up in bed together. For Robin it was everything she’d ever imagined. He was passionate and loving and, best of all, he was no longer Olivia’s. The fact that he was with her meant that he was finally over Olivia, didn’t it? It meant that the two of them had a future now.

And Olivia wouldn’t mind, would she? At that stage, it had been over between her and Peter for some time.

“I’d rather not say anything just yet,” Peter said, the following morning, when Robin raised the thorny subject of Olivia.

“But I’d hate her to find out from anyone else, and I’d also hate for her to think we were carrying on behind her back.”

“She won’t think that,” he’d said and was, Robin thought, considerably less playful over breakfast. “But we should give it some time all the same.”

Robin agreed, but was confident that Olivia wouldn’t mind. In fact, she had met her for lunch the week before and she hadn’t mentioned Peter once. No, Olivia was over Peter, Robin was sure of it.

Which is why it came as a major shock to her when, two weeks later, Olivia and Peter were back together and telling the world how much they’d missed one another and that they planned to get married the following year.

Robin was devastated. By then she’d fallen heavily for Peter, believing their passionate night together was the start of something special, sure that, by her own choice, Olivia was fully out of the picture.

So, she tried her best to smile and say all the right things when her friend proudly displayed her stunning engagement ring, and asked her opinion on wedding dresses. Ironically, she and Robin had become even closer at this stage, as Leah had gone abroad and Kate wasn’t so good at keeping up the friendship.

So, Robin had to come to terms with the fact that what she had thought was a budding relationship with Peter was nothing other than a stop-gap – something to keep him occupied until Olivia changed her mind.

But, when a few weeks later, Robin began throwing up in the mornings and feeling tired and listless at work, she realised that their one-night stand could have devastating consequences – for everyone.

She didn’t know what to do. How could she support a baby? She was barely out of college, had just begun working as a junior in a small finance company, not to mention the fact that the baby’s father happened to be making plans for happily ever after with her best friend!

So, racked with guilt and unable to come to any other conclusion, Robin went to the student union office at the university and asked for help. A single phone call later, she was booked into a clinic in London. It was only by pure chance that Leah phoned one night for a chat, anxious to tell Robin about a gorgeous man she had met in Paris. “He’s a chocolatier,” she’d explained giddily. “How perfect is that?”

Robin laughed along with her, trying her best to sound enthusiastic but almost instantly Leah picked up on it.

“What’s the matter?” she asked. “The last time I spoke to you, you were in great form. In fact, I wondered if you hadn’t found someone yourself.”

“I did, but it’s over,” Robin stated flatly.

“It was Peter, wasn’t it?” Leah said, typically direct.

“What? How did you –?”

“Come on, Robin, every time I phone he’s either there or you’re talking about what he said or did the last time you spoke to him. I know you two got close when he and Olivia split up, and I know that since they got engaged, you’ve been a long streak of misery. What are you going to do?”

And then Robin blurted it all out: how being in love with Peter was the least of her worries, how she’d betrayed her friend, and had quite possibly ruined her life.

“I can’t keep it,” she told Leah. “It’s all arranged.”

“You have to tell him,” Leah tried to convince her. “Don’t do this alone.”

“What else can I do? I’ve just started with the job – it’s a junior position with bad pay and little prospects. How can I possibly bring a young baby up on my own? Olivia is bound to suspect something – she knows I haven’t been seeing anyone, and the timing is too obvious. Not to mention that I’ve been trying to avoid her since I found out they were back together.”

It had all seemed so bleak, so desperate then, and the only way out it seemed was to take the baby out of the equation. Robin was shocked and dismayed at what she had been reduced to. At college, she and Olivia were always signing up for those pro-life demonstrations and rallies. The two of them had spent many an afternoon on Dame Street in front of those graphic photos of aborted foetuses looking for signatures from passers-by. It seemed so easy to be idealistic or moralistic about ‘choice’ when the choice wasn’t yours to make. Things seemed so much simpler in college, in that cosy little cocoon where you and your little student societies could all play at politics and play at real life. But outside the walls of UCD, outside that structured framework of right and reason, it was all very different.

There hadn’t been a day since that Robin didn’t think about how close she had come to doing something so awful.

“You don’t have to do that,” Leah advised. “You should tell Peter – it’s his responsibility too.”

“But Olivia would hate me,” Robin whispered sadly.

And Olivia did for a while, she knew that. She hated the fact that Robin’s unborn baby had thrown a huge shadow over her new life with Peter. Unbeknownst to Robin, but ostensibly for her own good, Leah had approached Peter and let him know what was happening. All of a sudden, Olivia and Peter were there for Robin, and made it known in no uncertain terms that aborting the child was the last thing she should do, that there was no need. After a few months of trying to come to terms with it, the two of them, but especially Olivia, had been wonderful to Robin and had helped her through the remainder of her pregnancy. Which made Robin feel ever guiltier for messing up her own and her friend’s life so spectacularly, but also helped her with her next decision.

Long after they had persuaded her to keep the baby, and just before the child was born, Robin knew exactly what she had to do. One day she broached the subject with Olivia.

“I don’t want this baby, you know that,” she said, when they were alone in her tiny bedsit. “I never wanted it.” Her heart hammered guiltily as she lied through her teeth. Of course she wanted the baby. Granted not in these circumstances, but still this little life inside her was precious – and hers.

“Don’t say that, you’re just nervous about the birth,” Olivia said, dismissing her.

“I mean it,” she persisted. “I don’t want it. If you and Peter hadn’t convinced me to keep it, you know I would have gone through with the abortion. I’m not a maternal person.” Robin grasped at this and tried to convince herself that she really
wasn’t
maternal, but with each passing day as she felt this new life growing inside her, she came to love it more and more. It would be torture, but Robin knew she had caused enough misery. And she also knew she had to try and make amends.

“Robin, you’ll be fine,” Olivia said, but every time Robin looked at her, she could see the sadness and disappointment in Olivia’s eyes. She couldn’t put her through this, put her through trying to pretend that everything would be OK, that they could continue as friends. It just wasn’t fair.

“So, I was thinking that maybe you and Peter might take it …” she went on, trying to make her voice sound casual, as if she was talking about a second-hand TV set, although once she’d uttered that simple remark, Robin felt as though she’d already lost a part of herself.

“What?”

“The baby. I was hoping that you might take it. That’s if you’d like to,” she said, just catching the expression of hope on Olivia’s face. “Look, you two are getting married, and I know it’s not ideal, but you’ve always said you’d like a family.” She tried to shrug off-handedly. “I know it might not be how you imagined but … chances are I’ll have to give it up anyway.”