Never to Keep (Accepting Fate #1) (2 page)

“Please, just leave.” I turned away to hide my scalding tears. I didn’t want to be the kind of girl who cried over a boy—but he wasn’t just any boy.
This
boy was my everything.

He didn’t argue. A moment later, he was gone, and for the first time in my life, I felt completely alone.

*

Once the sod had been laid, I fell to the ground next to the temporary grave marker that bore my brother’s name. I hugged my knees to my chest to keep the pieces of my shredded heart from falling out. “I miss you so much, Ry. You weren’t supposed to leave me. Y-you promised you would never leave me.” The hole in my chest expanded with every word I spoke. “I don’t know who I am without you. I wish I could stay with you and Dad.”

A sharp gust of wind blew through the quiet cemetery and knocked over the picture Olivia had placed near the head of Ryan’s grave. I picked up the wooden frame and felt my brother’s presence as I stared at the photograph I’d taken six years ago.

“This was the happiest day of my life,” I murmured. I traced the tip of my finger over the image of Peyton’s tiny body safely tucked in the crook of her daddy’s protective arm as her mommy watched from a hospital bed.

That day I watched through joyful tears as Ryan held his baby girl for the first time. Olivia’s bright blue eyes overflowed with love as she looked upon her husband and their child. It didn’t matter that her hair was a tangled, sweaty mess; in that moment, she was the most beautiful woman in the world.

I once thought that Ethan and I would have a picture just like it sitting on our mantle. I now had nothing to look forward to. My dreams for a family with him were over.

I tightened my grip on the smooth frame when another strong wind threatened to dislodge it from my hands. In that moment, I realized Ryan was sending me a message. He was showing me a new purpose for my life, a reason to keep going. I could almost hear his voice on the wind saying, “
Take care of my girls for me
.”

I curled up between my father and brother. There would be no relief for the burning behind my eyes; I cried until my tears ran dry.

Sawyer

“Give me your phones,” Thomas ordered as he walked into the room with a shit-eating grin on his face. My younger brother Finn and I handed our phones to our older brother without question. Thomas put a phone in each hip-level pocket of his tuxedo jacket and arranged them so the camera lenses stuck out over the jet black fabric. “Be right back.”

Less than two minutes later, Thomas strode through the door of the office where we were waiting for the ceremony to begin. “You have to see this shit,” he said with a twinkle in his brown eyes. He handed us each a phone and tapped the play button on the screens.

The video was shot from the top row of the choir loft behind the altar with the phones still in Thomas’s pockets. The right side of the church was packed with our friends and family while the bride’s side was sparsely populated.

The first sound on the recording was Thomas faking an exaggerated yawn.

Then it happened.

His single yawn set off a chain reaction through our side of the church that put to shame the best ‘wave’ Dodger Stadium had ever seen.

“You should put that online. That’s the finest display of group jetlag I’ve ever seen,” I said. “You couldn’t choreograph something like that.” We laughed, even though what the video represented wasn’t the least bit funny.

“Why is it that nearly a hundred of your guests had to fly two thousand miles to attend your wedding when she has only about ten people out there?” I asked Finn.

“This is her home town.” He shrugged as if it wasn’t a big deal. “Relationships are all about compromise.”

“What was the compromise? You convince half of southern California to fly to Indiana, and she’ll continue to spread her legs for you?” Thomas asked dryly. “When was the last time a compromise worked out in your favor?”

“Uh…” Finn ran a hand through his sandy hair as he pondered Thomas’s question. He abruptly pulled his hand from his head and dashed to the large, ornate mirror hanging on the wall. All of us knew Kristy would be pissed if he wasn’t perfectly groomed for the pictures.

“That’s sad, bro,” Thomas said as we stood behind Finn and took turns meeting his glare in the mirror. “You know we’re all worried about you.”

I looked back and forth between my brothers in the mirror. Their matching dark eyes, dirty blond hair, and six-foot frames gave them a strong family resemblance. I was always the odd one out with blue eyes, dark brown hair, and two extra inches. However, in that moment, the tight irritation on Finn’s face and the soft concern on Thomas’s made them nearly unrecognizable as brothers.

“I’m going to go check on something,” Finn muttered before storming out of the room.

“Promise me you’ll stop me from making a mistake like that,” I pleaded to Thomas.

“I promise, but you need to promise you’ll listen to me when the time comes. I’ve been trying to talk some sense into Finn ever since he met that bitch, but he thinks he’s in love.” Thomas took a swig from the silver flask he kept in his breast pocket.

“You have my permission to use whatever means necessary to keep me from throwing my life away. I don’t see how anyone could be that stupid.”

“The show she puts on for him has blinded him to reality. I’m just grateful I was able to talk him into getting a pre-nup. The last thing I need is for her to walk away with part ownership of the hotel.”

I was relieved to hear that she wouldn’t be able to steal the hotel Thomas and Finn had worked so hard to build.

“I’ve tried, too,” I said, my frustration seeping into my voice. “I talk to him every time she propositions me. He just laughs it off and tells me she’s joking.”

“Finn’s made his bed. All you can do is learn from his mistake.” I paced while listening to Thomas. “Don’t worry; I won’t let the same thing happen to you.”

“I don’t think there’s much risk I’ll end up like either one of you. You’ve put the fear of God in me thanks to all of those kids you pay for and never see.” I was proud of him for supporting his children, but hated that their mothers used them to manipulate him. “Not to mention that nasty case of the clap you had. Every time I look at a woman, all I see are STDs and child support payments.”

“You’re lucky you were such a zit-faced dork in high school. Not getting laid may have sucked at the time, but it was a blessing in disguise,” Thomas said.

“It also helps that my teacher’s salary keeps the gold diggers away,” I said. “I just have to worry about chicks finding out that my brothers are loaded.”

“You need to be careful; that’s for sure. I’ve come up with the perfect system.” Thomas’s face beamed with pride. “The first thing to remember is to never fuck a woman bare. I don’t care if you have a written report from a doctor that confirms she’s both clean and on birth control, it’s not worth the risk. Bitches are crazy and will fake that shit.”

“You’re preaching to the choir.” I didn’t think I would even let a woman blow me without a condom.

“The best way to avoid a mess like Finn’s is to never get involved to begin with. The rule of thumb when it comes to females is one-and-done, catch and release. Fuck them once, and then walk away.” Thomas tugged on the collar of his shirt. “Women are like these God-awful orange ties Kristy made us rent. They serve a specific purpose, but we would never keep them. We use them once and then return them.”

“Hopefully the women aren’t as ugly as these ties,” I joked.

“If she’s extremely hot, you can go three-and-out, but that should be reserved for rare circumstances, like super models and porn stars.”

“What happens if I do something stupid and fall in love?” I plopped into the chair behind the desk. Thomas’s reasoning made sense, but didn’t sit quite right with me.

“You run. Far and fast. Keep in mind that romantic love is an illusion. You may think you’re in love, but it’s really just lust, and lust always fades eventually.”

“What about Mom and Dad?” They had been together over three decades.

“I have a theory about those situations,” he said. “I think in some cases lust eventually transforms into a familial love, like friendship.”

“That makes sense.” I’d heard a lot of stories about married couples losing the passion and turning into glorified roommates.

Thomas pushed my chair backward and sat on the desk in front of me. “My final rule is to never, under any circumstances, tell a woman you love her.” His dark stare directly into my eyes told me he was dead serious. “Once you say the ‘L’ word, you’re screwed, and not in the good way,” he explained. “Love is the worst of all four-letter words. It gives her all the power.

“If you do find yourself hooked on a particular pussy, take my advice and never say the word ‘love’, no matter how you think you feel. The only way to keep up the status quo is to maintain the upper hand. If you ever slip up, or she says she loves you, cut your losses and find another warm hole to stick your dick in.”

“That sounds a little extreme. Surely it can’t be that bad,” I countered. I could have easily been wrong, since I didn’t have the experience of my brothers, thanks to my awkward teenage years and subsequent Thomas-induced fear.

“Let’s use my oldest kid’s mother as an example. I thought she was great. We got along, had fun together, and the sex blew my mind.” My brother left his perch on the desk and began to pace the small room.

“I accidently dropped the ‘L’ bomb once while we were fucking. The next thing I knew, she had my entire life planned out. She made plans to move in with me, told me where we were going to get married, what we would name our kids… Hell, she even picked out side-by-side plots at the cemetery. I also quickly found out she was up to her eyeballs in debt and expected me to pay it off.”

“Why didn’t you leave then?” I asked. It seemed like a no-brainer.

“I still thought I was in love. And did I mention she was a fantastic lay? I didn’t realize what I’d gotten into until my bank account was empty. When I started to pull away, she ‘accidentally’ got pregnant. Once she thought I was trapped, she hung a ‘closed’ sign between her legs.” Thomas’s eyes drifted to the burgundy rug that rested on the dark hardwood floor. “Now I have to pay her every month, and she makes me jump through hoops to see my son.”

“She’s a bitch. You can’t judge all women based on your experiences with her,” I reasoned.

“That’s just one example. I have two other baby mamas just like her. Not to mention all of the other crazies I dated before I figured it out.”

Thomas was an expert at failed relationships, and Finn was getting ready to prove his point. I didn’t particularly care about money, probably because I didn’t have much, but I’d be damned if I couldn’t see my own kid.

Finn finally came back to the small room. “It’s not too late to back out,” I said.

“I’m not going to leave her at the altar,” he snapped. “I made a commitment, and I love her. You need to get over it.”

Thomas gave me a knowing smirk. Before I could say anything else, the door opened just wide enough for the maid of honor—I think her name was Hailey or Hannah or something—to stick her head in the room. She eye-fucked me for a second before she spoke. “Hey, Sawyer, can I talk to you in the hallway for a minute?”

“What do you want?” I huffed. The slender blonde was attractive, but I could tell she’d been around the block more times than I could count. She gestured for me to follow her out of the room. I decided it would be better to shut her down in private. I didn’t want to explain to Thomas why I turned down a hot bridesmaid.

“Kristy wants to talk to you,” she said once the door was closed.

“Does she realize she’s getting married in twenty minutes?”

“She said there’s plenty of time.”

Praying to see or hear something that might convince Finn to run, I reluctantly followed her down the hallway to where the women were getting ready. The spacious Sunday school room was nearly overflowing with cookie cutter bridesmaids covered in floor-length taffeta dresses that matched my ugly tie, and most had spray tans to match. The carrot-top redhead was particularly difficult to look at.

“What do you want, Kristy?” I asked my soon-to-be sister-in-law from across the room. She adjusted her veil before turning away from the full-length mirror.

She strolled over to me, not stopping until she was well in my personal space. She walked two of her bony fingers up my chest and brought her other hand up to smooth my lapels. “I thought I’d give you one more chance to change your mind before the ceremony,” she said, not caring that at least seven of her friends might hear every word she said.

I took a step back. “I’ve told you no at least fifty times over the past year. What makes you think I’d change my mind right before you marry my brother?” Everything from the top of her bleached blonde head to her hot pink toenails was utterly repulsive.

She closed the distance I’d put between us. “This is the last opportunity you’ll have…for a while, anyway.” I felt her nasty breath on my neck as she leaned in to whisper, “Thought you’d want to take advantage of it before it’s too late.”