Never to Keep (Accepting Fate #1) (7 page)

“Whatever. There’s no point in arguing about the past. Besides, it turned out to be a blessing. If I had gone to college right after high school, I wouldn’t be a doctor yet, so I’d be stuck trying to find a job with a degree in biology.”

When I finally made it to Ohio State, I decided to become a nurse practitioner instead of a doctor because it wouldn’t take as long to finish school. “At least this way, I’ll have my nursing degree soon.” Even though I couldn’t be a nurse practitioner without a graduate degree, I could get a good job as a registered nurse.

“I just never thought I’d be doing this without you.” Ethan had recently finished his residency in Bloomington and was working in the emergency room at the local hospital. He also volunteered at the free clinic that had opened a couple of years back.

“Actually, you won’t be doing it without me. The university made arrangements for me to earn my clinical hours at County Hospital. You’ll be one of my bosses. I start the program in a few weeks. Nana is going to watch Peyton for me until she goes back to school in a couple of months. I should be able to finish by the end of the year.”

“I’ll do whatever I can to help you with Peyton. You guys are still my family and always will be. How are you going to make ends meet if you’re spending most of your time at County?”

“I have a part-time job with Centennial Midwest. I work Friday nights while Peyton is visiting Nana.” Centennial Midwest was one of the largest employers in the region. Its portfolio was made up mostly of upscale restaurants, so when I told people I worked for CM they assumed I was a waitress. “The tips are great.”

“That’s good.” He hesitated a moment before continuing, “How’s Olivia doing? Any idea when she might be able to come home?”

I’d been pretty tight-lipped on the subject because I didn’t want rumors to spread that could hurt Olivia and Peyton. Olivia had called in hysterics a couple of days after the spring semester had ended. I’d thrown my stuff in a bag and waved goodbye to Columbus in the rearview mirror of my red Camaro.

“Well, you already know that Child Services threatened to remove Peyton from her care, unless she checked into an inpatient facility.” Ethan had been on duty the night I got back into town. I stayed home with Peyton while Olivia went to the hospital to check herself in, so to speak. He’d managed to get her admitted to the best facility in central Indiana.

Olivia was an excellent mother, but she had been pulled into a dark place by the grief of losing her husband. I would never forgive myself for not being there for her and Peyton, and I vowed to never let them down again. “She has to stay there at least three more months. I have to file a petition with the court to extend my temporary guardianship.”

“How much longer do you have with the current arrangement?”

“After Ryan died, Olivia named me as Peyton’s ‘standby’ guardian. That allows me to be her legal guardian for ninety days from the day Olivia became incapacitated. I’ll have to go to court before the middle of August to extend my guardianship until Olivia comes home.”

“Oh, so you still have a little over two months. What are you going to do after she’s home?”

“I’m going to live with them to make sure this never happens again.”

“Isn’t that going to be awkward? It will make it hard for you to have a personal life.”

“No one is more important than Peyton.”

He looked around the diner to make sure no one was within earshot. “I regret the way things ended between us.” He used his fork to push around the eggs on his plate. “I thought I had to break up with you.”

“What do you mean you
thought
you had to break up with me?” I would kill him if he had broken my heart for no reason. I’m talking extremely painful, cold-blooded murder.

“I didn’t explain everything. I should have told you the truth, and then let you decide if you wanted to break up.” He paused for a moment to gather courage. “The truth is…I’m bisexual.” His eyes drifted past my shoulder and focused on a painting hanging in the back of the restaurant. “When I said you weren’t enough for me, I meant you didn’t have a penis.”

My eyes grew impossibly wide. “That was the last thing I expected you to say.” We hadn’t made love recently because of the miles between us, but he seemed to have a good time whenever we did. “If you prefer men, doesn’t that mean you’re gay?”

“I need you as much as I need cock. You’re the only woman I’ve ever wanted. I just didn’t think you would understand how I felt.” He brought his eyes back to mine. “I can’t even get it up for another woman. I honestly think I would be gay if I’d never met you.” He ran his hands over his short hair. “I’m in a no-win situation.”

My head spun with all of the new information. Had I really been enough for him except for my lack of external plumbing? “Have you been with other people since we broke up?” I wanted to retract the question as soon as it left my mouth.

He nodded gently. “I’ve fooled around with a couple of guys, haven’t gone all the way, though. I guess I thought, if I did, I’d never have another chance with you.”

I could see the glimmer of hope in Ethan’s eyes. “What do you want?” I asked quietly, afraid of his answer. There was a time I would have done anything he asked; I was worried that might still be the case.

“Would you consider having an open relationship with me?” I could barely hear his whisper over the chatter of the breakfast crowd. “I wouldn’t be with any other women, just guys.”

I didn’t completely understand what he was getting at—or maybe I just didn’t want to believe it. “So, you could sleep with whomever you want?”

“Yes, but just men. You’d be the only woman.” His distinction didn’t make a difference to me. The thought of him being intimate with anyone else, male or female, made me sick.

“Would you be in a committed relationship with another man, or just sleep with random guys? Would I be a part of that relationship, like a three-way?” I don’t know why I asked because I wasn’t considering his proposal. My self-worth hadn’t completely bounced back from the damage he’d already done. I wouldn’t survive if he fell in love with one of his partners and left me again.

“I hadn’t really thought about it. Would you want to be with other people, too?” He took a stuttering breath. “Although it’s hypocritical of me, the thought of you being with someone else makes my stomach hurt. I want to be your first, last, and only lover.”

“It’s too late for that.” I regretted my knee-jerk reaction. He was sharing his deepest feelings with me, and I’d slapped him in the face. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t going to tell you, but I have been with someone else in the time we’ve been apart.”

His expression fell. “Are you over me?” he asked sadly.

“Not completely,” I admitted. “I’ll probably always love you.” I studied my hands. “The next time I’m in a relationship, it will be with someone who wants me more than anyone else. I wasn’t your first choice, so I can’t make you mine.”

“I still love you,” he confessed.

“Just not enough,” I quietly finished his thought with the words he wouldn’t say. His somber expression told me everything I needed to know. The last of my hope for reconciliation evaporated into thin air and took with it a weight that had rested on my chest for months. I could finally take a deep breath, and it felt amazing. I was strong enough to live without him, and I wouldn’t settle for less than I deserved.

“We can be friends,” I offered. I didn’t want to lose him completely. We’d spent most of our lives together. He was a part of me, whether I liked it or not.

“Friends with benefits?” He waggled a brow at me in an attempt to lighten the mood.

“Nice try,” I said with a laugh.

I fiddled with my breakfast, trying to ignore the pained look that had briefly returned to his eyes.

“Oh, did I tell you I ran into Kristy Henderson a while back?” he asked.

I shook my head and shuddered in response. Kristy had been my nemesis since kindergarten. Even though ‘hate’ is a strong word, it was the kindest one I could come up with to describe my feelings for her. She’d spent all of junior high and high school trying to steal Ethan away from me.

“Did she hit on you?” I asked with a raised brow.

He laughed. “No, she had just gotten married.”

“I’m surprised that stopped her,” I scoffed.

“No doubt. I feel sorry for the unlucky bastard that got stuck with her.”

“He’s not unlucky. He’s stupid,” I clarified.

Ethan and I laughed at Kristy’s expense for a while longer. It was petty and immature, but felt great nonetheless. For the first time in recent memory, the tears that streaked my face weren’t rooted in sorrow. I knew we would be okay.

*

I invited Ethan over for dinner that night, so he could spend time with Peyton. I had no qualms about bringing him back into her life, and it was obvious their connection hadn’t weakened with time apart. Just like old times, I watched them roughhouse on the living room floor after dinner.

“Bedtime!” I hollered over her giggles. It was actually several hours past bedtime, but I hadn’t wanted to interrupt their reunion. Peyton must have been extremely tired because she didn’t complain. I gave her a kiss and sent her up the stairs to get ready for bed.

“She’s amazing,” Ethan said as he sat next to me on the couch. He looked happy, as if he were right where he belonged.

“I know,” I said on a content sigh as he wrapped an arm around my shoulders. “Do you ever think about what our life would’ve been like if we had stayed together?”

“Every minute of every day,” he replied. “Would you consider getting back together if I gave up everyone but you, the way we used to be?”

“I don’t know. I’d always wonder if you were happy. It would be hard to be with you knowing I can’t completely satisfy you. I’d worry you would grow to resent me.”

He nodded in understanding. “I yanked the rug out from under us. I didn’t get the closure I thought I would. There are so many things I need for you to know, but words just aren’t enough. I wish we had one more night together, so I could show you all of the things that my words can’t express.”

“I want it, too.” My one night with a stranger hadn’t helped me get over the boy I once loved. Neither of us would ever be able to move on until we settled things between us once and for all. “One more night. After tonight, we start over as friends.” His full lips gently brushed against mine. “Let’s go upstairs,” I whispered against his mouth.

Hand in hand, we walked up the stairs to my room. I locked the door behind me and then made my way into his strong arms. We undressed each other slowly, savoring the experience because we knew it would be our last.

We explored each other with our hands and mouths. Each soft kiss he placed on my skin told me exactly how he felt.

I’m sorry.

I miss you.

I love you.

Reaching into the drawer of my nightstand, I pulled out one of the condoms I’d picked up after my risky encounter with the stranger. His face fell for a moment before he complied with my unspoken request. He knew what the barrier between us represented. I was no longer willing to risk getting pregnant with his baby, and I didn’t trust him enough to keep me safe from disease.

I studied my reflection in his dark eyes as he hovered over me. I held back the tears that fought to escape when he slid into me with one smooth stroke. The connection we once had was gone—it really was over between us. I focused on conveying the things I needed to tell him.

I miss you, too.

I’ll always love you.

I forgive you.

We can’t go back.

I could see in his eyes that he understood my message and accepted my decision. We used our bodies to work out the rest of our feelings, and as usual, when he came, I didn’t.

Madison

“Hurry up, Pey Pey. We’re going to be late for back-to-school night!” I called up the stairs for the third time. I knew she didn’t want to go. Watching the other kids with their moms and dads would be torture. Olivia had been gone for over two months, and time didn’t make it any easier on Peyton. Starting a new school only added to her anxiety. I hated that I couldn’t afford to continue to send her to private school in the city.

I climbed the stairs to the second floor of the house Peyton used to share with her parents. It was the same house I used to share with mine. Memories danced through my mind as I ran my palm up the banister that Ryan and I used to slide down two decades ago. The old plaster walls reverberated with the joy and laughter of years gone by, which was equally comforting and painful.

I found Peyton perched on the end of her twin-sized bed desperately clutching the teddy Ryan gave her a few days before he died. Kneeling on the shaggy rug next to the bed to get to eye level, I took her small hand in mine. “Sweetie, I know this is going to be really hard, but I promise we’ll get through it.”

With a sniff and a brisk nod, she squeezed my hand and got to her feet. “Let’s get this over with,” she said. She had always been so grown up for her age.

*