Never to Keep (Accepting Fate #1) (9 page)

“Hello?” She sounded wide awake, and I could hear dance music in the background. I couldn’t bring myself to speak, but I wasn’t ready to hang up. “Hello? Ethan, is that you?” I sobered when another man’s name passed her lips. “I can’t hear you; must be a bad connection. I’ve gotta get on stage now. I’ll call you later.” I stared at my phone for a while after she disconnected the call.

I was ready to pound on the door of every Ethan in town until I found the one I needed to punch in the face for touching my woman. But, she wasn’t my woman. She was just a bitch who used me and then left without a word. I guess, in a sense, I’d gotten even with her in that closet. That thought didn’t sit well with me. I didn’t like hurting her, even though she’d tortured me for a year.

I could think of only one person who would listen to me without judgment. I dialed her number, fairly certain she would be too busy to answer.

“Hello?” she answered after the first ring.

“Hi, Marina? It’s Sawyer.” I nearly tripped over my words, surprised to hear her voice.

“Oh, hi!” Her excitement was almost tangible. “What’s up?”

“Just wanted to talk. Why are you up so late?”

“It’s only ten on the west coast. I’m hanging out in Tate’s trailer. He should wrap for the day soon. What’s on your mind?”

“Remember how I was in a bad mood when we met?” I jumped into the story about how I met Madison in the bar and took her to my room. It was hard to tell her about how Madison had fled in the middle of the night. Marina listened carefully to every word I said.

“Have you seen her since that night?” she asked with hope in her voice.

“Yeah, actually, I ran into her tonight.”

“Hold on a second, is that the real reason you decided to move to Indiana?” She was too smart; I couldn’t get anything past her.

“No, I told you I moved here because Finn and the bitch moved in with Mom and Dad. There was no way I was going to live under the same roof as Kristy.” I couldn’t admit the whole truth to her when I wasn’t ready to admit it to myself.

“She has a kid, who just happens to be in my class. I could tell that she hadn’t given me a second thought until she saw me.” She couldn’t have been thinking of me this whole time—not when she had a child to focus on. Her initial composure confirmed that I was just a distant memory. How the fuck could she own my thoughts so completely when I meant absolutely nothing to her? “I didn’t get any kind of reaction from her until I accidentally made her kid cry.”

“What did you do to her kid?”

“I was being a dick to Madison and asking questions about the kid’s father. Turns out Peyton’s father had passed away. I should have known; I’d only read the academic part of her file, though.”

“Hold on a sec.” She took the phone away from her ear and spoke to someone in the room with her. “Tate just got back.”

“Do you need to go?”

“No, I told him that I waited for him, so he has to wait for me. So, you made Peyton cry. Then what happened?”

“I was angry at Madison and myself. After I found out that Peyton was okay, I left her with the guidance counselor and took Madison to the supply closet. I said some things I’m not proud of and ended up fucking her against the door,” I admitted with shame. “I could tell she didn’t want it. I just needed to fuck her out of my system, so I could move on.” I knew she wanted to tell me no, even though she never said the word. I’d gotten her so hot and bothered she couldn’t refuse.

“Did it work?”

“No, it just made me want her more. I am so fucking confused about all of this. I have no idea what to do. I can’t decide if I hate her or want her or both.”

“Wow, men really are stupid,” she said with disappointment. “I wonder how many school rules you broke tonight, not to mention you probably blurred the lines on a few laws.”

“What can I do to fix this?” I pleaded for her to have the answer I desperately needed, feeling as if my entire life was on the line.

“Let me talk to Tate. Hold on a second.” I could hear muffled voices as she relayed the story.

“You still there?” she asked a minute later. I responded affirmatively. “We think the best thing would be to mitigate the damage. She’s probably too embarrassed to say anything to the principal, so you should be okay as long as you don’t make it worse.”

I sighed in resignation. I’d fucked up beyond repair. “How do I keep it from getting worse?”

“Keep your distance. Only talk to her when necessary, and keep it strictly professional. Try to keep your conversations about Peyton to email and phone calls. It’ll be good for you both to have time and space to gain perspective, and let the negativity dissipate. You’ll need to apologize eventually, but don’t force it until the time feels right.” She paused, listening to Tate speaking in the background. “Tate says to keep your dick in your pants.” I could hear a small commotion on the other end of the phone.

Tate took the phone away from her. “Del didn’t say it right. Never take your dick out of your pants when you’re about to get laid. If you let her do it, she has another chance to make sure she wants to go through with it.” Tate made sense; I just hoped he hadn’t learned that bit of wisdom with my sister. “By the way, you did it wrong. You don’t fuck the woman you want to forget in order to get her out of your system. You need to bang a hotter chick to get over her.”

“I doubt I’ll ever find anyone hotter.”

“Then I’d say your screwed, and not in the good way.”

*

I’d always loved the first day of school. Even though they didn’t want summer to end, the kids radiated energy and excitement. A new year meant a clean slate, complete with a blank grade book, new friends, and a teacher that had never made them skip recess because they misbehaved. I had to soak up the fleeting joy while it lasted.

Per my usual beginning of the year routine, I started the day with introductions. I asked everyone to go around the room and tell the class their name, favorite subject, what they did over the summer, and an interesting fact about themselves. I went first.

“My name is Mr. Ramsay, and my favorite subject is math. Over the summer I moved here from Los Angeles.” I hadn’t planned what I was going to say, so I paused for a moment to think of an interesting fact. “An interesting fact about me is that my sister is a famous movie star.” The kids raised their hands to ask questions. I pointed to Carly.

“Who is your sister?”

“That’s a secret,” I replied, regretting my choice. Surprisingly, the kids let it go.

“Do you have any kids?” Sarah asked.

“Yes, I have twenty-two second-graders.” They laughed at my lame joke.

Eager to get the focus off of me, I had Brianna start the rest of the introductions. “My name is Brianna. I like science the best. Over the summer, my dad and I went on vacation to Florida. My interesting fact is I want to be a doctor when I grow up, like my daddy.”

I discreetly kept an eye on Peyton while the other kids spoke. She stiffened when they talked about their parents, and fidgeted more and more as her turn approached. She fought to calm herself when it was her turn to speak. “I’m Peyton, I like gym, and my interesting fact is that I’m really good at football.”

Unfamiliar pride filled my chest at her show of bravery. Her response wasn’t complete or very creative, but she got through it without showing an ounce of fear.

Madison

The paralegal who helped me fill out the guardianship petition had told me several times that I needn’t worry; he was certain I would be able to keep Peyton until Olivia came home. Even with his reassurance, I was still nervous as I sat in the cavernous courtroom. My clammy hands were clasped and my ankles crossed in a feeble attempt to remain still. The rapid clicks of the stenographer’s keys kept pace with my racing heart.

I tried my best to listen to every word that was said; however, the tingling in my chest and the knot in my stomach made it difficult to focus. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing my precious little girl.

“Madison Emilia Miller’s guardianship of Peyton Ann Miller is hereby extended until December thirty-first of this year.” The judge turned her attention to me. “The Department of Child Services will contact you in the next fourteen days to begin a home study. This guardianship order can be revoked at any time if DCS determines the living situation is unfit for the minor child.”

The echo of the judge’s gavel through the grandiose room was the sweetest sound I’d heard in a long time. Every ounce of tension that had wreaked havoc on my body for the past few weeks was released when I exhaled the breath I hadn’t realized I had been holding. The battle was over, and now I could concentrate on keeping everything together for the next few months.

“Thank you, Your Honor,” I said. I gathered my belongings as Ethan waited impatiently for me on the other side of the half-wall that had separated us during the hearing. As soon as I was through the hip-level door, he pulled me into a bear hug, lifting me off of my feet.

“This is fantastic,” he said as he swung me around in his strong arms.

“I feel like splurging. Want to grab lunch at the cafeteria before we head back to work?” I asked.

“I would hardly call hospital food a splurge.” He scrunched his nose and stuck out his tongue. He was absolutely adorable.

“Anything that isn’t cereal or toast is a splurge for me,” I said, only half-joking.

Hand in hand, we walked the six blocks to my house. It was a beautiful day. For those few, peaceful minutes, I could pretend my life was perfect.

Once we were at the house, we changed out of our court attire back into our scrubs. “It’s kind of cruel to strip in front of me,” Ethan said when we were both standing in my bedroom in our underwear. I admired his hard body for a moment before I realized not every part of him was hard.

“I know you
think
you want me back, but I don’t believe you truly do. You should go sow some wild oats—explore other options. Maybe then you’ll realize that I’m not who you really want to be with…not like that anyway.”

“I’m going to keep trying,” he said, looking deeply into my eyes. “I can’t lose you.”

“You won’t lose me. We’ll always be friends. We’ll always share an amazing history.” He ripped his eyes away from mine as I spoke. “You left me for a reason. You need to reconcile those feelings.”

He was quiet as we finished getting dressed. My heart ached for the pain he felt because of me.

“Let’s go eat,” I said to break the tension. “I’m starving.”

We headed to the kitchen and left through the back door. “You really do have the best commute ever,” he said with a small smile.

“You just want me for my house,” I joked. His body stiffened; it was too soon for humor. “It is great, but it will suck in the winter when there’s two feet of snow out here,” I said as we made our way across the backyard.

He held the gate open for me as I stepped through to the emergency room parking lot.

We made our way to the building through the sea of parked cars. I felt a distance between us that hadn’t been there earlier in the day. We walked into the air-conditioned hospital in silence and took the stairs to the second-floor cafeteria.

“How’s Peyton doing in school?” Ethan asked around a mouthful of pizza. It was the first thing he’d said to me since right after we’d left the house.

“She seems to be doing okay so far, but she hasn’t been given any homework yet. It’s only the third day.” I stuffed my face with the last bite of my dry cheeseburger.

“What do you think of her teacher?” he asked. I was grateful my full mouth gave me a minute to think.

“He didn’t seem very prepared. I don’t think he read her file before back-to-school night. I emailed the guidance counselor yesterday to make sure they knew about her accommodations.”

“Let me know if you want me to go down there and talk to him. Peyton has a hard enough time; the last thing she needs is an apathetic teacher.”

Ethan getting into a confrontation with Mr. Ramsay—Sawyer—was the last thing I wanted. “I will. I think it’ll be okay, though.” I wiped my mouth and tossed the napkin onto my tray. “We should probably get down to the ER. I can’t afford to miss any more hours this week if I’m going to finish the program on time.”

“You’ll be fine. You have a few months to get all of your hours in.”

“I know. I just don’t want to have to get stuck trying to squeeze them all in at the end.”

“You need to stop worrying. Everything will work out the way it’s supposed to.”

I admired his confidence. I wish I had some of my own. “I’m not so sure about that. I’ve been having some incredibly strange luck lately. I wish I could say it was all good.”

“Everything happens for a reason. What you think is bad luck, might be the universe’s way of giving you what you need.”

“Since when are you so spiritual?” I asked.

“Since I foolishly let you go and haven’t been able to win you back. I have to believe there is a reason for it, or I’d go insane.”

I needed to go at this from a different angle. “I know you love me, just like I love you…but are you
in
love with me?”