No Longer Mine (16 page)

“Been a busy few months. Haven’t had time to get out much. After Dale left… Well, I’m picky. And there are not too many guys around here who’ve caught my eye.” Wade looked into her eyes, looked for some sign she was lying, playing out a role. But he saw nothing that could convince him she spoke anything less than the truth.

I don’t want them on me.

The words replayed themselves over and over as he stood there, feeling vaguely lost and very confused. The hurt and anger were waging a war within him, ripping at him until he was so damn torn apart he could barely see. Nausea roiled sickly in his gut as her implication that any man would suffice sank in.

Had it come down this? Would fate be cruel enough to place her back in his life, to tempt with glimpses of what could be paradise, only to have his hopes and dreams smashed because she just didn’t want him anymore? Had Nikki been imagining somebody else in his place every time he touched her?

“Are you so damn perfect that you never made a mistake, never hurt anybody?” he rasped, growing aware of a desire to hurt her as badly as she had hurt him. Anything, even pain, would be better than that damned disdain that sat so haughtily on her face, surrounding her like an invisible cloak. “Never done anything that you would give anything to have undone? Never done anything that made you feel like the lowest life form on the planet?”

He couldn’t see the guilt and the sorrow that started to form in her eyes and he didn’t hear the soft apology in her voice as she quietly said, “I make mistakes. I’ve felt even lower than that. I’ve screwed up more times than I can count and you damn well know it.” Her voice sounded oddly distant, flat. But it rolled off his shoulders like water as he tried to reconcile the words,
I don’t want them on me.

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No Longer Mine

“Wade, I need time. I’m only human.”

The unspoken apology went unheeded by him as he heard in his head, over and over,
I don’t want
them on me.
The unspoken words he was hearing were
Almost any man would do. You might be handy, but
you’re not good enough.

He kept coming back, time after time, needing her so badly, and she kept kicking him in his face. That mental image of him crawling at her feet only to receive a boot in his face for his efforts had his pride kicking in, temporarily masking the pain he felt. He drew himself up, reined in the anger and pain that must be showing on his face.

“Yeah?” he asked, derisive. “I’m not so sure of that. A human would show some forgiveness, a little compassion. That’s what happens when you have a heart. And from what I can see you lost yours some time ago. I’m beginning to wonder if you ever had one.” Damn it all, he was done begging. He was done crawling. No more.

Making his own face as cruel as hers had been, he continued, “Hell, I’m starting to wonder about a lot of things. But one thing is certain—” moving closer until he was nose to nose with her, he whispered harshly, “—you ain’t worth it.”

“Wade—”

Her face was pale. The pain in her eyes registered dimly in some part of his mind, but he didn’t acknowledge it. He had his pride. He wouldn’t keep crawling after her. He had been patient, understanding.

Hell, he had all but begged her to take him back.

And this was what he got for giving up his pride in the name of love.

Coldly, he offered, “And as for time, well, take all the time you need, Nicole. What you do matters nothing to me.” And then, without looking back, he walked away from her.

Nikki walked woodenly into the house. It was over. She had won. She had driven him away and away he would stay.

What had she done?

Over the guilt a soft voice whispered inside her,
Exactly what you had to do. You had to be sure…had
to be sure you could trust him. Trust yourself. Otherwise it wouldn’t have been fair to either of you. Or to
Abby.

But why had she been so hateful?

Sinking down on the steps, Nikki buried her face in her hands. Anger. Hurt. Self-defense. Any one of those would have been right. Or at least, partly right. But the real reason was fear. She was so damned afraid of being hurt again, of losing it all.

“Nikki?”

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87

Shiloh Walker

She looked up, startled. Dylan stood before her, concern in his eyes. He knelt down in front of her, took her cold hands in his. Her eyes stared back into his, eyes so like her own. “Want to talk about it?” he asked quietly.

“No,” she whispered, her voice almost soundless. With a gentle tug, she freed her hands and rose on none-too-steady legs.

“What are you going to do?”

She stared at him, her eyes lost. “I don’t know,” she said faintly. She badly wanted to run away and hide, lick her wounds.

So why don’t you?
She blinked as the soft little voice repeated itself.
Why don’t I?
she asked herself.

Hell, it wasn’t like she had any reason to stay here, not after what he had told her.

It wasn’t like he’d be waiting now, right? Even if there had been a chance at something between them again, she’d gone and ruined that just now.

He was done waiting.

Just when she had started to think, maybe…just maybe…

Too late now. And the wishes and dreams didn’t matter if he didn’t want her anymore.

A slight shudder racked her body, like an echo of the pain she was holding trapped inside. Closing her eyes, she focused, grounded herself. Why in the hell shouldn’t she take some time?

“I’m going to New York.”

Wade drove around aimlessly until early afternoon. He restaged the fight time and time in his mind, and in the way of men and women since the dawn of time, he came up with sharper retorts and an even more crippling parting shot.

His thoughts jumped around, leaving that and returning to the porch where she had told him,
I don’t
want them on me.

Didn’t want him touching her, didn’t want his love…didn’t want him.

Nikki’s words replayed in his mind like a broken record he couldn’t turn off. She had finally said what was on her mind and in her heart. If she had done so from the beginning, maybe he wouldn’t have wasted all this time trying to get her back.

Wade conveniently forgot she had been telling him just that time after time. He had just decided not to listen.

“Hell, Wade. It’s better this way. You know where you stand with the woman. Now you can get over her,” he told himself, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel.

Like hell.

Get over her? Not likely to happen.

His heart felt as though it had been ripped out of his chest and thrown, still beating, on the floor.

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Chapter Twelve

Nikki sat in the passenger seat, her eyes dry and itching. She knew without looking that she was pale and wan looking. Shawn kept sending her worried little glances and she knew he didn’t want to be driving her to the airport. He wasn’t happy about her traipsing off, away from home and alone, in her current mood.

“How long are you planning to stay?” he asked, his eyes flicking from the road to her. Accordingly, the black Bronco drifted right.

“Watch the road, Shawn,” she snapped, one hand instinctively bracing against the dash. As he corrected the vehicle, she answered, “I don’t know. I guess I’ll stay until I feel like coming home.”

“What is so important in New York?” he asked, frowning but keeping his eyes on the road.

“A better question would be what isn’t there, Shawn. Now just let it go, okay?” she answered wearily, reaching up to rub at her temple. Damn, but her head hurt.

“Ya know running away ain’t going to solve anything. It’s not going to keep you from still loving him. It’s not going to change that you want him.” Shawn kept his eyes fixed on the road this time, a certain sign of how uncomfortable he was with discussing emotions. “Being in New York isn’t going to change any of that. It’s still going to be here when you get home.” Nikki remained silent. How could she explain that she needed someplace safe, someplace where she wouldn’t see him, as she licked her wounds and tried to start all over again. She needed time to heal a little, her heart
and
her pride. She knew she wasn’t going to get over Wade, not now. Not ever. But she needed some distance from him, time to rebuild her shattered defenses.

Nikki needed the bliss of not thinking about the wreck her life had become. Kirsten lived in a social whirlwind and would pull Nikki inside it.

It wouldn’t solve her problems, but maybe if she kept busy enough she could forget for just a little while. Right now she was too raw to think about it, to try to put things into perspective.

In a while, after time had dulled the edges a bit, Nikki would think about it, and how stupid she had been.

I don’t want them on me.

“Idiot. Fool,” Wade muttered under his breath.

Shiloh Walker

A week later he was still kicking himself over the altercation between him and Nikki. This particular kicking was taking place as he sat in the car waiting for his partner to make a run into the café to get their lunch.

Closing his eyes, he relived that argument with Nikki, tormented by the words that had tormented him into walking away.

They haunted him both day and night.

Now they only served to remind him of what a jackass he was. As rain splattered down on the windshield, he listened with half an ear to the radio as he muttered more accusations at himself.

If only he hadn’t been pushing so hard. She would have come around sooner or later. Nikki had all but admitted that. If Wade was totally honest, he could admit he had been waiting for years, ever since Jamie had died, hoping against hope he would have another chance. What harm would a few more weeks, a few months, have done?

With a ragged sigh, Wade closed his eyes and let his head fall against the back of the seat. His eyes were reddened and bloodshot, dark circles beneath his eyes emphasizing his haggard look. He couldn’t keep going on snatches of sleep. His job wouldn’t allow for it.

His heart wouldn’t let him just let go, even though his pride insisted he not go crawling. And that was probably what it would take. He had been a total ass. About all of it.

His mouth compressed as he remembered Nikki’s harsh words against Jamie, the first she had given voice to. It made him angry, hell, yes. That was Abby’s mother, his childhood friend.

But how could he not expect Nikki to harbor resentment? The entire time Jamie had pursued Wade, Nikki had kept her cool, kept her mouth closed and her wits about her. God knew, if Nikki had been of a mind to, she could have ripped Jamie into so many pieces there wouldn’t be enough left to bury.

The blow up he had expected the night he told her of Jamie hadn’t happened.

How long had Wade expected her to keep the lid on her temper? With a grimace, he remembered how blind with fury he had been when Nikki had been dating the blond mechanic, how murderous he had felt before he had recognized Shawn. He was lucky Nikki had kept it to words and had held her tongue this long, and God knows Nikki had a lot more reason to be pissed off than he did.

The door swung open, letting in the rain-drenched air as J.D. swung into the cab of the ambulance, two bagged lunches in hand. “Here you go, one gourmet hamburger, complete with grease, saturated fat and sodium. A walking heart attack. And to top that off, there’s fries to go with it.”

“Thanks,” Wade mumbled, taking the bag with a noted lack of enthusiasm. He wasn’t hungry.

Everything tasted pretty much the same, like sawdust. He knew things weren’t going to get any better until he resolved this with Nikki.

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No Longer Mine

“—so here I was, in bed stark naked with this girl, and the Pope is pounding on the door,” J.D. said around a mouthful of food. “I ended up jumping out of the fifth floor window, wearing her pink robe and a pair of bedroom slippers. Elvis caught me when I landed and we took a trip out to Vegas.” Glancing up, Wade frowned. Had J.D. been talking long? He couldn’t remember a damn word that had been said. “Pardon?”

“I had a feeling you weren’t hearing me,” J.D. said, shaking his head. “You wanna tell me about it?”

“Nope,” Wade replied, taking a bite of the rapidly cooling burger.

As if Wade hadn’t spoken, J.D. said, “You know, I’d guess it was a woman problem, but you haven’t ever once mentioned a woman, not in the three months we been together. If it wasn’t for the fact that you got a daughter, I’d wonder if you knew what women were. But you had to know what women are because you put one to good use at least once.” He wagged bushy black eyebrows before taking a sip of his soft drink.

Wade scowled over at his partner before taking another bite of the burger.

“Course, I seen you with that girl, Nikki Kline, once or twice. She don’t talk to many guys, so I guess you must be doing something right. I’m surprised her brothers ain’t scared you off. I tried to get her to go out with me a couple of times, but any time I talked to her, those two showed up and they got trouble written all over their faces. I heard they were both gang members up in Louisville a few years back,” the other medic said, chewing up his fries as he spoke. He paused only long enough to wash the food down with a soft drink before continuing. “Is she who you’re moping about?”

“I am not moping,” Wade said slowly, spacing each word out. “Now why don’t you mind your own business?

“Because my partner can’t hardly keep his head out of his ass and this ain’t the kind of job you can do if you aren’t focused on it,” J.D. snapped, his blue eyes narrowing. “If this was a big town you’d already be waist-deep in hot water. But sooner or later something more serious than a broken bone or an upset stomach is going to pop up and you’d better be able to handle it.” Having made his point, the older man turned his attention to his half-eaten lunch, dismissing Wade and his dilemma with the words, “You’d better get things worked out quick. Otherwise you’re going to get your ass thrown into the street.”