No Longer Mine (13 page)
Authors: Shiloh Walker
Tags: #Fiction, #Romance, #Contemporary, #Contemporary Romance
Nikki turned away, gazing out the window. Finally, she turned her head to him and her eyes were sad.
“I’m not who I used to be. I keep telling you that, and you just won’t listen.” Moving up beside her, he cornered her between his body and the counter. He saw the alarm in her eyes and braced himself. She always struck out when she was feeling threatened.
Never one to disappoint, she tossed her head back. In a voice as cold as winter, she said, “I can’t look at you or your child without seeing her and remembering what you did.”
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Cupping her cheek in his hand, Wade sighed. “I’m not here to remind you of what I did. I just want to be with you.”
I just want to be with you.
Those words tore at her heart. He made it sound so easy…
“Being with you does remind me,” she snarled, slapping a hand against his chest as he leaned closer.
The heat of his body rushed out and filled hers, making her feel more overheated than three hours of trail riding ever could. His eyes, so full of love and promises, seemed to mock her.
Wade was so full of life.
And she was so empty.
“You are making my life a living hell. Don’t you think I’ve had enough of that?” she demanded, her voice shaking with the rage and pain she lived with.
His eyes glittered, the only proof that her words had any effect. Slowly, Wade leaned down and brushed a light kiss across her flushed cheek. “I don’t want hurt you. I never wanted to. I’ll never do it again.”
“Then stay the hell away from me!” Nikki cried, jerking her head back away from his. Shoving both hands against his chest, she tried to move him away, but he wouldn’t budge.
“You hurt me just by being around me. Stop coming around. Why in the hell are you still coming around?”
“I keep coming around because I love you. And you love me,” he whispered, covering her hands with his and leaning down to kiss her averted mouth. One hand caught and held her chin as he rained kisses over her cheeks and closed eyes. “I messed it up the first time, doll. But can’t I have a second chance? I’ll never hurt you again.”
As he covered her damp mouth with his, Nikki quaked. And prayed. First for him to stop. Then she prayed for him not to.
Wade wrapped his arms around her waist and dragged her closer, dark delight spiraling through him as her arms clamped around his neck and shoulders. He tasted salty sweat and soft skin on his tongue as he trailed a line kisses down her neck. Helplessly, Nikki rocked against him, and he shuddered before taking her waist and boosting her onto the counter top.
Moving between her legs, Wade rocked against the V of her thighs as he covered her mouth for another kiss.
He nipped at her lower lip with his teeth and then darted his tongue into her mouth while one hand pulled her hips to the edge of the counter until only cloth separated him from her. Nikki stiffened slightly as 70
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he moved against her, but he paid it no heed. She wanted him. There was no denying that…and he wanted her. She could taste it in his kiss, feel it in the hungry moan that vibrated up from his chest.
Her belly jumped as he ran his hands down her thighs. Unwittingly, she wrapped her legs tightly around his hips, never wanting to let go. For a little while…she could forget.
Cupping her breasts in his hands, Wade dragged his thumbs over the nipples, and she mewled as they tightened, throbbed under the sturdy cotton of her sports bra. Her hands went back to balance her weight as he grasped the bottom of the shirt in his hands and pulled.
Blood pounded in his temples as she arched against him, a weak moan falling from her lips.
Mine
, was all he could think. After all the time that had passed, she was still his in every way that counted. Her words might be saying no, but her body, her clinging hands were saying something totally different.
One lean hand cupped her, feeling the damp heat through the thin material of spandex. Nikki vibrated under his hand and whimpered as he massaged the heel of his hand against her damp cleft. He lifted his head and watched as her eyes darkened and her breath caught.
Triumphantly, Wade smiled as she started to convulse under the pressure of his palm. Quickly, he seized her mouth with his just as a rush of liquid warmth soaked both the spandex and his hand.
Mine
. And all that mattered was marking her, making certain she knew just how strong his hold on her was.
Intent on peeling that spandex from her, Wade delved his hands inside her clinging shorts, wanting her naked and open. Distantly the sound of laughter and kid’s music penetrated the fog in his brain.
Abby.
“Damn it,” he muttered, his head dropping forward to rest on her shoulder. Nikki was shuddering against him, her hands clenching at his shoulders and back. Sweet heaven, Abby. He had totally forgotten his daughter was in the other room, just twenty feet away.
He raised his head to look at Nikki. Her face was flushed, her lips swollen and red from his. Her large dark eyes were soft and unfocused, full of need. Damn it, what timing.
Nikki dropped her head, taking several shaky deep breaths before she released his shoulders and pushed at him. “Let me down,” she whispered, her voice faint.
Wade did so, knowing if he didn’t move, he would take the chance, regardless of where Abby was.
Clumsy, she clambered down and stumbled away from the counter. Quickly, she jerked her tank top back on before moving around until the table separated them. Then she turned those dark eyes on him, her lips parting as she drew in deep draughts of air.
“Damn you, Wade,” Nikki whispered, her voice rough and unsteady.
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Grimacing, Wade agreed silently as he leaned back, adjusting his jeans. He sure as hell wouldn’t be doing much sleeping tonight. “Nothing like a little trip down memory lane,” he drawled, crossing his arms over his chest and waiting.
“That isn’t going to happen again.”
“Ever?”
“Absolutely never,” she swore, her eyes slowly clearing of the fog.
Nikki kept her hands pressed flat to the table, hoping to hide their trembling. Her knees were weak, watery, and she was having trouble staying upright. Hot, molten need still flowed through her veins and deep inside, she ached.
Idiot. Fool. Why did you let that happen?
She asked herself, staring at him from the relative safety of ten feet away, across the solid oak of the dining table. “Never,” she repeated, her voice certain.
Too damn bad she didn’t feel as certain as she sounded. Her knees still felt like water and her brains like mush. Even the thought of what just happened was enough to make her want to whimper with need.
All he had done was touch her and she had exploded.
“That’s an awfully long time,” Wade mused, drawing one knee up and hooking his thumbs through the loops of his belt. His erection strained against the worn denim that cupped him. His stance was cocky and arrogant, his smile full of promise, eyes glinting with need and humor.
Just looking at him made her mouth go dry.
And he wasn’t helping as he cocked his head and studied her with hot eyes. Eyes that studied her flushed face and trailed down her neck to focus on her shirtfront, where her nipples thrust against the sturdy cotton. The corner of his mouth quirked up in a slight smile as he added, “Especially considering your body would like nothing more than for me to come over there and finish what we started.”
“What you started.”
“I wasn’t alone in that, Nikki. I wasn’t kissing myself,” he drawled, scratching his chin. “One of us just climaxed and it certainly wasn’t me.”
“It won’t happen again,” she said, clenching her jaw.
“Why not?”
“Because I won’t let it,” she answered, her chin rising.
“Why won’t you let it?”
“Because it isn’t going to change anything. I’m happy with my life the way it is, and I don’t want you in it.”
“You know something, Nik? I look at you and get the feeling you’ve forgotten what it’s like to be happy. We were happy together once, Nikki,” Wade reminded. His heavy-lidded eyes and long smoldering look reminded her of things long past but hardly forgotten. “Do you remember that? There was a time when all we needed was each other to be perfectly satisfied with life.” 72
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“That was before I figured out what real life is, Wade,” she said coldly, dredging the memory of long nights spent alone. Of a stormy day when she had lost everything. Of rainy days in which she prayed to forget. And of a tiny little grave twenty miles away.
The backlash of pain that filled her nearly knocked her to her knees. She had lost everything that had mattered. She couldn’t let anything matter again. She’d never survive if she lost it all again.
Speaking of it, thinking of it was like opening a floodgate. Nikki had refused to let herself think of it, bottling it all up inside, and now it was ready to be set free. If she couldn’t control the pain, then she would use it.
Harshly, Nikki said, “You don’t know what you did to me. You destroyed me. You tore out my heart and soul and I still haven’t recovered from it.” The pain spread throughout her entire body, leaving her weak and trembling, throat tight, hands shaking from the raging emotions.
“Nikki—”
“Don’t say anything, not a single thing to me, Wade. There is nothing you can say that could make up for what I lost. You can’t even begin to comprehend what I lost. But even if you could,” she whispered, dashing away tears that leaked over. “It would change nothing. Nothing would ever make up for it.”
“I want the chance to try.”
She started. She hadn’t even realized he had come closer until she felt his hand resting on her shoulder.
“Talk to me,” he whispered, cajoled. “Tell me.”
Tell him?
Tell him?
She shouldn’t have to tell him. He should already know because he should have been there with her when it happened.
I shouldn’t have had to go through that alone.
But she couldn’t tell him that. He would have no clue as to what she was talking about.
Closing her eyes, Nikki shook her head. “There’s nothing to tell, Wade. You told me all in glorious detail five years ago. If you can’t figure out what’s wrong, then you have something seriously wrong with you.”
“Don’t give me that,” he rasped, shaking her gently. “I know you. I know you inside and out, remember?” His voice dropped, intensified. “I know you love me. I know you want me.”
“Wrong. I don’t want this! My body might, but I don’t. I will never want it.” Shrugging his hands away, wrapping her arms around herself, Nikki turned and stared out over her land. Then she closed her eyes. “I don’t ever want to care about anybody like I cared for you. I don’t ever want to love again. Those kinds of emotions give others power over you. The power to destroy. Like you destroyed me.”
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Wade’s hands froze in the act of reaching for her to draw her back against him. The honesty and the pain in her words pierced his heart and left him bleeding inside. His hands clenched impotently into fists as they fell to his sides, empty still.
Looking at him over her shoulder, her eyes so empty and so lifeless, Nikki swallowed and spoke around the knot in her throat. “Go out of my house, Wade. Off my property and don’t come back.” She heard him sigh. Heard him leave the room. As the door shut gently, Nikki closed her eyes against a fresh onslaught of tears.
It took every last bit of strength she had left in her not to reach out to him.
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Chapter Ten
“Dunno—two weeks, maybe three.” Nikki frowned at the screen.
Need to rewrite the line there.
“Okay. If you can, try to make it two—I’m leaving in three weeks for vacation and I want to see it—
you’re being more secretive than normal,” Kris said. “Unless of course, you want to share details now.”
“Nope. I’ll jinx myself.”
Turning away from her computer, she stared out the window. Her gut clenched and she saw the darkening sky. Thunderheads were piling the horizon. A storm was coming.
“Yeah, yeah.” There was a brief pause. “So, what’s this I hear about Wade Lightfoot? Ex-boyfriend coming back around?”
Shawn, I'm going to stomp your ass into the ground.
It had to be Shawn. Dylan wouldn’t willingly discuss anything with Kris, and somehow she couldn’t see her dad doing it either.
“Wade is not a boy, nor is he a friend,” Nikki corrected, pinching the bridge of her nose with her fingers.
“No. He was more than that, wasn’t he?” Kris asked softly, “Want to tell me about it?”
“Nothing to tell. He’s determined to pick things up and I want to let them lie. I have to go,” Nikki said, her eyes burning. She ached to talk about it. To cry about it. But she was afraid if she started she wouldn’t stop.
She settled back in her own chair as a heavy torrent of rain started to fall. No, she couldn’t change the past. But she sure as hell could keep from repeating it.
Later that day Nikki stood in front of the floor-to-ceiling windows in her living room watching the wind whip through the trees. The rain had stopped and hadn’t started back up, but it would soon. The watery, eerie green-gray light coming through the windows disturbed her. Tornado light.
The knock at the door startled her and she silently prayed,
Don’t be Wade.
Nikki nearly threw her arms around Dylan’s neck when she opened the door to reveal her younger brothers standing there, arms laden with Chinese takeout and movies.
“Is this the best you two can do on a Saturday night?” she asked, trying to keep from laughing with relief. “Come and see your sister?”
Shiloh Walker
Without responding, Dylan pushed past her to set the food down while Shawn displayed his movies.
