Nobody Likes Fairytale Pirates (36 page)

“This one’s a complainer.”  Ransom
agreed.

“That he is, that he is.”  Uriah
held up a finger, making his point clear.  “’Greater dooms win greater
destinies.’”

“I think Maggie was trying to get
you killed, ‘Rai.”  His partner said dryly.  “It’s the only explanation for
some of your mother’s advice.  It’s never like, ‘Be nice to people and marry a sweet
girl,’ it’s always all ‘Candy from strangers tastes better.’”

“Oh, that mutilated girl is
alive.”  Ester sounded vaguely disappointed as she struggled through the loose
salt towards them.  “I’d dance in joy, but I’m too busy dying due to her
partner’s idiocy and staggering incompetence.”

“Well, don’t let me stop you.” 
Ransom snapped.  “Please.  Continue.”

Uriah snorted in amusement.  “Now,
now, ladies.  I think we have plenty of time to both welcome Ransom back to the
land of the living and to all die.”

“Maybe if you spent less time
fawning all over each other like mongrel dogs in heat, and
more
time
thinking about how we can survive this, we’d actually survive this.”  Ester
challenged. 

“I can’t help it if I enjoy talking
to Ransom more than I like talking to you, Mother Ester.”  He started to trudge
away towards the mountains in the far distance. 

“My partner and I share similar
interests.”  Ransom agreed.

The old woman rolled her eyes. 
“Yeah, you both love his cock.”

Ryle began to cough, not expecting
that.

“What?”  Ransom shrugged
disinterestedly.  “I’ll be offended when she says something I disagree with.”

Uriah frowned, uncertain how to
respond to that.

“Do we have any water left,
Captain?”  Din wheezed, catching up with the group.  “I don’t know how much
longer I’ll be able to go on.”

“No.”  Uriah lied smoothly.  “It’s
all gone.”

The only water left was the last of
the tiny bit that Ryle had given him and Uriah sure as hell wasn’t sharing it
with his idiot client.

That water was
Ransom’s
and
he’d kill anyone who touched it.

“What a desolate place.”  Dory
remarked, sounding like she had just wandered in from a cotillion somewhere. 
Surprisingly, she seemed to be faring the best of them, like this place didn’t
bother her in the slightest.  It was almost scary.  She didn’t even seem
thirsty.  “It’s very peaceful though.  Quiet.  I think it’s…”

“Shut up, Badroulbadour.”  Ester
snapped.  “We don’t have time for your nonsense.”  She raised her voice.  “If
my husband Charles were alive, we wouldn’t be in this situation.  He would have
put a stop to the insanity of pirate guides!  He never would have let me be
mistreated like this!”

Ransom ignored them, falling into
step beside Uriah.  “You’re limping.”  She observed.  “Why are you limping?”

“I hurt my foot.”  He cleared his
throat.  “It’s nothing.”  He looked down at her.  “Are you feeling any better?”

She was quiet for a moment.  “It’s
not…”  She swallowed.  “She… she was in my head, Uriah.  She did stuff.  And
now I’m not sure what’s real anymore.”

Ester scoffed in derision.  “Oh,
quit your crying.”  She waved a dismissive hand.  “Maybe your pirate friend
will comfort you with his penis again.”

Ransom spun around to face her.  “Stop
pretending you’re not jealous, bitch.”  She spat out.  “The only man who wants
to touch your shriveled ass is the fucking
undertaker
.”

Jeez.

He cleared his throat.  “You know,
Dove, while I’d hesitate to claim that you are usually known for your sunny
disposition, is seems that since your…”

“Don’t.”  She bit out warningly, recognizing
what he was about to say.  “I don’t want to hear it right now.”  She was quiet
for a moment, coming to terms with it.  “I know.”  She whispered softly.  “I’m
not… right.  And I don’t…”  She swallowed.  “I’m…”

She was afraid she was losing
herself.

“You’ll be fine.”  He assured her,
hoping he sounded less scared than he felt.  “Everything will be fine.”

“I’m not so sure.”  She shook her
head.  “I don’t think it will.”

“We’ll figure it out.”  He reached
out to put his arm around her, then remembered how she’d reacted the last
time.  He returned his hand to his side.  “We’ll fix it, I know we can.  All we
have to do is get to Nar Ta’Tel and I’ll fix everything.”

“How exactly is gold going to help
me with this?”  She wondered.  “Because I personally think it’s a problem which
not even being rich can help.”

“What’s wrong with her?”  Ryle fell
into step beside them.  “I missed a page here because I was busy dealing with
what’s-his-ass, your idiot client.”

“She remembers her life.”  Uriah
didn’t bother looking at the boy.

“Really?”  Ryle sounded surprised. 
“Neat!”

“Not so much.”  She shook her head.

“Oh.”  The boy’s smile faded. 
“Yeah, I can’t imagine Adithia really having a whole lot of giddy fun times
you’d want to remember forever.”

She shook her head.  “It’s not just
that.  It’s that…”  She trailed off.

“You remember being someone else.” 
Ryle finished for her.  “And now…”

“Who the fuck am I?”  She asked,
her voice dead.

“We’ll figure it out.”  Uriah said
again.  “We’re not losing you.  You’re too important.”

“
I
sure as hell don’t want
Uriah making the decisions, that’s for damn sure.”  Ryle agreed immediately. 
“You were gone for a week and he marched us off into an endless desert of
salt.”  He shook his head.  “I mean, I expected him to at least go a
few
days
without killing us.”

“You know what?”  Uriah threw his
arms out in exasperation.  “Any time you’re unhappy with my leadership, feel
free to
leave
.”

“We’re holding him hostage.” 
Ransom reminded him calmly.  “If he tries to leave we’ll kill him.”

“Oh, yeah.”  Uriah frowned.  “Well,
then he should just shut up then.”

Ester struggled to keep up with
them.  “My dear Charles
never
would have approved of this!  He would
have had a plan before sending us all off to our deaths!”

Uriah ignored that.  The old woman
had been whining for days about her husband and his many wonderful qualities,
and it was just white noise to Uriah at this point.

It wasn’t like they really had a
whole lot of options, and of the deaths they were offered, walking into The
Great Nothing was the only one which had some chance of survivability.

Granted, it was a very very small
chance, but it was a chance nonetheless.

“Mother,” Dory said calmly, “I
don’t recall father ever being especially adept at…”

“Your father was a tactical genius!” 
The old lady cried passionately.  “Not like that shiftless lay-about you
married or that deranged Grizzle pirate!”  She slammed her fist into her palm
to show her resolve on the issue, somehow still able to scream despite her
dehydration and exhaustion.  “He always said to me: ‘Ester?  Don’t ever trust a
Grizzle, because they…’”

Ransom stopped in her tracks and
rounded on the woman again.    “No offense, lady, but your dead husband sounds
like an utterly vapid little cunt, who didn’t know shit about shit.”

Ryle broke out laughing, delighted
by the profanity.

Uriah’s eyebrows soared.  His
partner’s vocabulary had always been colorful, but it was tilting towards
downright
kaleidoscopic
now.  A veritable rainbow of twisting colors and
moods.

Ester was silent for a long moment,
an unreadable look on her face.  “You know,” she thought aloud, “I think I’ve
misjudged you.”  She took on a creepy smile.  “You and I have a lot in common,
girl.  Unafraid to tell people how it is.”  She nodded in appreciation.  “I’ve
mellowed with age, but back in the day, I would have given you a run for your
money in that regard.”

Ransom snorted.  “Bitch, the only
way you could give me a run for my money is if you stole my fucking purse.”

Ester let out a bark of laughter
and turned to glare at her daughter.  “See!?! 
This
is the kind of woman
you
should
have become, Badroulbadour.”  She pointed at Ransom.  “She
understands what it takes to get by in a world surrounded by the weak and
stupid!”

Ransom opened her mouth to reply to
that, but then whipped around to stare off to their left.  Her heard tilted to
the side.

Uriah recognized what that meant. 
“Rance?”

“We have a problem.”  She
breathed.  “Uriah?”

He squinted off into the distance,
trying to make out what his partner had heard.  Then he saw it.  “Shit.”

“What?”  Ryle appeared beside
them.  “What’s going on?”

“Wastelanders.”  Uriah didn’t take
his eyes off the horizon.

“Five of them.”  Ransom said
softly, then tilted her head to the side to listen again.  “No…
six
.”

“Well, it’ll be a fair fight then,
six of them, six of us.”  He tried.

“Can we run?”  Ryle asked, sounding
serious.

“For thirty miles of salt? 
Outrunning men on horseback?”  Uriah shook his head.  “I don’t know about you,
but I sure can’t.  You’re welcome to try though.”

The men were only a couple hundred
yards away now, approaching them very quickly.

Uriah looked down at his partner.  “Listen,
this is about to get bad.”  He told her, not bothering to lie.  “
Very
bad.  If they separate us or something happens to me…  Don’t be scared.  Don’t
back down.  And if someone raises their voice to you,
you knock them the
fuck out
, do you understand me?  Whatever you have to do.  Attack.”

She frowned at that advice.  “But
what if…”

“It doesn’t matter what they’re
telling you or why they’re yelling.  You’re in the Grizzwood, or close enough. 
The people here are dangerous and can sense weakness like a vulture.  I grew up
in this culture, trust me on this.  They’re warriors.  Barbarians.  Strength is
all that matters here.  If you back down on
anything
, they’ll kill you. 
And they won’t make it quick.”  He straightened his coat on her, making sure
she was warm.  “They raise their voice to you for
any
reason, kill them
if you can.  Die in the attempt if necessary, but you need to kill them and I’m
not
joking.” 

“Shouldn’t we see what they want
first?”  Ryle asked, sounding like a child.

“I already
know
what they
want, Swab.”  He remained focused on his partner.  “Remember: they’ll most
likely be carrying crude weapons.  Heavy.  Slow.  It’ll take even the strongest
warrior a moment to heft a weapon like that to hit you.  So if it comes down to
it, stay close to them, inside their defenses where they’ll be off-balance and
you can be sure of where they are, even blind.”  He took the knife from her
belt and flicked it open.  “
Gut
the bastard.
”

She grabbed her weapon back from
him and returned it to her pocket.  “I know how to fight, Uriah.”

“You’re too elegant at it.  You’re
always trying to duel, like there are judges watching.  It’s not a dance,
girl.  It doesn’t need to look pretty, it just needs to kill.”

Her eyebrows rose.  “You think it’s
pretty?”

“I think you’re the prettiest thing
I’ve ever seen in my life, Ransom.”  He touched her face.  “Whether you’re
fighting or… other things.”

The men stopped their horses
several yards in front of them, peering down at them like they were mildly
amusing insects.

Uriah somehow pulled his hand away
from his partner and straightened.  “If this goes wrong, they’re going to rape
you to death.”

“I’ll protect her.”  Ryle swore.

Uriah rolled his eyes.  “I was
talking to
you
, Swab.”

The boy’s proud face faded.  “Oh.”

The half dozen men in headgear were
spread out in a semicircle around them, most of their skin covered in tattered
woven cloth.  The outfits gave them an almost animal and inhuman appearance.

Fucking Saltmen.

No one from the Wasteland had
surrendered to an enemy in the last 500 years, if not longer.  They were
utterly dedicated to being a pain in the world’s collective asses.  The
Grizzwood folk were more dangerous and less predictable, but the Wastelanders
of the Grizzwood plateau were second to none when it came to being stubbornly
violent.

“Is it just me or is this getting
weird?”  Ryle thought aloud.

“It’s not just you.”  Ransom
agreed.

“Can’t you just stab these guys?” 
The Swab wondered.  “I’ve seen you handle waaaay more attackers at once.”

“It’s not a matter of simply
killing them, Swab.”

“Why?”

“Because we’ll be dead before
nightfall if we go on this way.”  He gestured to the barren landscape.  “In
case you haven’t noticed, we aren’t faring well on our trip.  We have no food
and no water.  We won’t make it.”

“And?”

“And we need their help.”

“How are we going to get them to
help us?”

“My partner can be
very
persuasive.”  Ransom said, something like pride in her voice.

“Absolutely.”  Uriah glared at the
men.  “I’m going to kick the living shit out of them and kill their best
fighter with my bare hands.”

Ryle’s jaw dropped.  “You really
think they’re going to help us if you kill their friend?”

Ransom smiled.  “Welcome to the
Grizzwood plateau, Swab.”

Uriah kept his eyes on the men,
sizing them up.

Ransom cleared her throat.  “So…
just to reiterate: we Red or Black?”

“This is the Wasteland, Dove.”  He
stepped in front of her.  “Everything here is Red.  It’s always Red.”  He
leaned closer to her.  “Leader is in the middle, but it’s the guy on the far
left that’ll move first.  He’s the toughest guy of the group.  Holds himself
like he’s never been beaten.  The others know it too.”  He nodded in certainty. 
“He’s the one.”