Not Alone: Trusting God to Help You Raise Godly Kids in a Spiritually Mismatched Home (16 page)

Authentic Kids

“Real Deal” Faith Leads to “Real Deal” Kids

Dineen

Everyone who heard this wondered about it, asking, “What then is
this child going to be?” For the Lord’s hand was with him.

LUKE 1:66

From the moment we find out we’re pregnant, we wonder what our child will be like. We imagine great things for our children as they begin to walk and talk. Will he be the one to find the cure for cancer? Will she one day become president? Or will he be the first to walk on Mars? (For years my oldest daughter, Rachel, claimed that she would!)

The people of Judea asked this very thing about John when his father’s mouth was opened and he could once again speak (see Luke 1:64-66). Zechariah praised God and then prophesied over his son, who would be called the prophet of the Most High—Jesus. I can’t even imagine what those friends and neighbors were thinking as they listened to a father prophesy such a high calling for his newborn child.

Zechariah is a great example of a parent following God’s lead. He had a rough start, which resulted in the loss of his voice for the duration of his wife Elizabeth’s pregnancy, but in the end, he shined as a parent. He believed in God’s plan for his son, and by his words of praise, he embraced that plan.

One of the saddest things I’ve seen in our years living in Silicon Valley (in California) is when parents determine the paths of their children without considering what their children are gifted by God to do or, as the world says, what they are naturally prone to do. Through their kids’ middle and high school years, parents make these teenagers’ class choices, and their career decisions are set.

My oldest daughter, Rachel, is an amazing artist. (We joke that she was born with a pencil in her hand. Her father and I have encouraged her pursuit of this passion all her life, although we wondered during her phase of wanting to be a Mars walker …) When she was in high school, she raved about the artistic talent of one of her friends. I asked Rachel if her friend was in her art class. She said no, that this girl wasn’t allowed to pursue her art. Her parents had already decided her future for her—to be a dental hygienist. It broke my heart as I envisioned this precious teenage girl locked into a path that had nothing to do with how God created her.

Such standards place a child’s value squarely on their performance. These kids are only affirmed as long as they succeed, and when they don’t, they identify themselves as failures. It’s a set-up for disaster.

By teaching our children to define themselves by who they are in Jesus and not by what they do, we communicate to them that God’s hand has been with them since before they were born. That’s a confidence and a reassurance that will stand up for our children on any schoolyard, in the midst of peer pressure and all the way through adulthood.

Who Are They?

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may
have power, together with all the Lords holy people, to grasp how
wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ.

EPHESIANS 3:17-18

I love the book of Ephesians, because it’s all about who we are in Christ. Paul (yes, here he is again) uses words like “accepted,” “adopted,” “blessed,” “chosen,” “forgiven,” “predestined,” “redeemed,” “given,” “loves” and “lavished.” I love that last word of all, because it attempts to capture the extravagance of God’s love for us. I say “attempts,” because I can only think of one word that adequately depicts God’s love for us.

Jesus.

When we begin to grasp how deeply we are loved by our Father God, shown in His Son’s willing sacrifice on our behalf, our identity becomes rooted in that love. That’s why it’s so crucial that our children understand who they are in Jesus, because this is their greatest foundation and strength.

Without this truth embedded deeply in our hearts, the inevitable trials of life will bring down our world in the torrents of the storms we face.

As for everyone who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice, I will show you what they are like. They are like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete (Luke 6:47-49).

My dear fellow mom, please hear my next words with the intent with which I speak them, in love and in truth: you cannot teach what you don’t effectively know and believe. If you are unclear as to your own identity in Christ, start learning the truth of who you are now. We’ve provided a wonderful list of Scriptures at the back of this book, each verse affirming the truths of who we are in Jesus. As you learn each one, share it with your children. Take your kids on this learning journey with you. Make a game of it! Speak these truths over yourself and over your children. Pray them out loud. My daughter Rachel told me recently that she learned to pray well by listening to me when I prayed. Even in our prayers at the dinner table, at bedtime, or in the car on the way to school, we can set an example and teach our children what faith looks like in action.

Knowing our identity in Christ and living out our faith authentically are the most important truths you will ever impart to your children, because when we are confident in who we are and whose we are, we are seated firmly in power and authority in Jesus. We live our faith from a solid-rock foundation that keeps us strong in the storms (trials, challenges and enemy attacks).

And that is the kind of faith we want to show our children and impart to them. If what we teach them doesn’t match up with how we are living our faith, then they will see Christianity only in theory.

God as Our Confidence and Competence— and as Theirs

You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our
ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living
God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts. Such
confidence we have through Christ before God. Not that we are
competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves,
but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent
as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but
of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.

2 CORINTHIANS 3:3-6

I know that I shared these Scriptures in chapter 1, but I want to share with you how God led me to these gems above as I entered the world of speaking. I grew more comfortable (and confident!) doing radio interviews following the release of our first book, but following that I had invitations to speak to groups. Just a few, but enough to stir up my doubts and insecurities. You see, I’m very soft spoken. All through my school years, my teachers commended me on my academic abilities, but (yep, there’s a “but”) they also always pointed out my soft voice, telling me that I needed to speak up.

So there I sat one morning in prayer, telling God that maybe He had the wrong gal. I wanted to speak and share the truths He’d given me, but how could I speak to groups when people might not be able to even hear me! Simply speaking louder wasn’t going to solve the issue either. I’d tried that in the past and wound up with only a sore throat and achy ears to show for it.

Then God reminded me of Moses. There was a man with a much bigger calling than I would ever have. And he had argued with God too. I didn’t want to be like Moses in that way, though. I wanted to trust God and follow His lead, but I needed a little reassurance.

That’s when God made it clear to me, by leading me to 2 Corinthians 3:3-6, that He was the source of my confidence and competence. And I realized that’s exactly the way God intended it to be. My soft voice wouldn’t hinder the message He wanted to speak to those who needed it. In fact, since then I’ve discovered that what I once perceived to be a weakness has become a strength through God. Many women have approached me after a speaking engagement and thanked me for my soft-spoken voice, saying that because of it they were able to really listen and follow my words.

I just shake my head in wonder. I still don’t understand how God does it, but He does. He makes sure that the real message-giver is Him and not me, because my confidence is in His ability, not mine.

That’s the kind of confidence that makes our faith attractive and “catchable” to everyone around us, especially to our kids. I truly believe the key to this is trust in God, because God will continually push us outside our comfort zone, and He will do this with our children as well.

There are probably times when you want to run interference for your kids and to protect them from situations at school, from conflicts with friends and from their struggles to find their way in this world. But it’s in times like these that your children need to walk through their circumstances—while you teach them how to trust God in the process, show them how to pray about their challenges, and share with them from your own experiences how God has been your strength and confidence. Our stories and testimonies of God’s work in our lives are our most powerful tool to encourage and strengthen those we love in our home, our church and even among our unbelieving friends.

Now imagine your children in a place of confidence in God as they walk out the door each day for school, go to a friend’s house to hang out, or go off to college?

How competent does your God look now?

Instilling the Desire in Our Kids to
Please God Above Others

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God?
Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please
people, I would not be a servant of Christ.

GALATIANS 1:10

I admit right now that I am a people pleaser in recovery. In the past, when my efforts to please those around me didn’t work, I took it as a personal failure. What I finally learned, however, is that people are fickle. What makes people happy one day could very well make them miserable the next as their circumstances change.

What made this brutally clear to me, though, was when I saw the tendency to try to please people in my youngest daughter. Leslie made it her mission to make everyone happy. As a young child she did this out of joy and without expectations, but when she grew to be a teenager, and expectations regarding others’ responses entered the picture, I watched my poor girl suffer disappointment after disappointment.

As God worked to change this habit in me, He gave me the wisdom, strength and courage to help my daughter too. When I see that she’s frustrated over someone’s reaction (or lack thereof) to a service she’s performed, I remind her that when we hold high expectations of those we seek to serve, our motivation is wrongly placed. We are looking for own benefit instead of purely seeking to benefit the person we are serving. Ultimately, we are to serve others to please God.

If our desire to help and serve others stems in any way from a need of our own—to gain approval, to make someone like us, or to appear more than we are—we are destined for disappointment. We are all flawed and unpredictable people. Thankfully, however, God doesn’t change, and what pleases Him is always for our benefit as well.

Here lies one of your most powerful opportunities for inspiring your children to greatness. When we hold true to what God is calling us to do, when we serve others out of our love for God and a desire to please Him and Him alone, when our heart’s desire is to please God above others even in the face of criticism—even criticism in our own home—we inspire our children to rise above the world’s clamor to fit in and please their peers, or even to please Dad.

Just recently my daughter Rachel faced a huge decision about her future. One path was the “expected” choice, which meant spending at least one to two more years in college (she’d already completed five) taking specialized but required courses to do illustration work she despised, despite the fact that she already had an extensive portfolio. The other path presented more opportunities for her to work right away and offered an income for her to do the type of artwork she loves and wants to pursue long term. Rachel’s biggest fear lay in what her friends and professors would think of her for not finishing her degree. She didn’t want to let anyone down.

We spent a tear-filled evening talking about her options and ultimately what direction she felt God was calling her to pursue in accordance with how He had designed her and her artistic talent. She made the tough call to leave college and to move into her career.

The next day I took her to a doctor’s appointment, and afterward, as we hopped into the car, Rachel expressed her worry again. Just as I was about to tell her to trust God with her future (and even to remind her that Jeremiah 29:11 had been her Bible verse for that year), a vivid double rainbow appeared in the sky.

I love it when God shows off. All we have to do is look for Him. Rachel claimed that rainbow as a gift from God affirming her decision. The next several weeks proved her choice right, as door after door opened for her for work and for connections in the industry. And her peers and professors all supported her decision. One professor even told her that he was wondering when she’d finally make this choice, because it was clearly the right one for her.

These kinds of experiences have equipped my daughters with a better understanding of God’s role in their lives, with knowledge of how to look for His presence and to follow His lead, and with a desire to please God over others.

My dear mom, none of us will be perfect in this area. Sometimes the line between pleasing God and pleasing others can be smudgy and gray. Trust God to help you navigate this area in your own life and in your children’s lives. As I shared in chapter 5, the key to doing this is allowing God’s love to work through us.

Claiming Their Faith

Don’t be surprised if, as Lynn mentioned earlier, your compliant, Jesus-loving child one day becomes a questioning teenager who doesn’t want to go to church anymore. For some parents this metamorphosis never comes, and their teenagers enter into adulthood with their faith intact. But for others of us (yes, I’m with you others), this change just shows up one Sunday morning, and we’re left wondering what happened overnight.