Not Another Soldier (2 page)

I shrug. “It’s easier for me to get to work from
there. And…” I pause. Should I even be admitting this? Maybe I’m trying to make
up for lost girlfriend time or something, “the house is too big and empty for
me. I don’t really want to stay.”

Jess nods and her expression turns all sympathetic
again. I’m not sure I can bear it so I stare at the uneaten sandwich in my
hands.

“Well, you know where I am.”

I squeeze her hand again. “I do, thanks.” I glance
over my shoulder and search out Nick. Somehow, even though he’s not looking at
me, I know he’s aware of where I am, what I’m doing. Aware exactly of what I
need. “I’m going to go in a minute. Just to get some fresh air. I don’t know if
I can do this. I hope you don’t mind.”

“Of course not, honey,” Jess tilts her head in another
kindly move. “You do whatever you need to do. You just take care of yourself.”

“Thanks,” I say again. The word feels empty but what
else can I say? It’s weird how you finally see the value in someone at a time
like this. I am really beginning to regret not trying harder to be good friends
with Jess, but I guess I retreated into myself after a while of living here.
Will I ever be able to come back out of my shell? I damn well hope so.

Nick appears at my side, having obviously read my
intention. I swear he’s like fucking Superman or something. Or he has some kind
of super hearing or intuition.

“Ready to go?”

“Yeah, please.”

A hand to my elbow, he leads me wordlessly out.
Several people stop and say something kind and understanding but I can’t really
take it on board. I’m a fraud. They’re all probably genuinely mourning the loss
of a life. I’m not sure what I’m mourning. The loss of so many years perhaps.
All that time fighting for a marriage, and for what?

The hand on my elbow escorts me to my car and Nick
opens the door to settle me in. It’s a big black thing. Too big for me really
but Rob loved it and it feels pretty appropriate. Nick slides into the driver’s
seat. I’m silently grateful for him acting all gentlemanly and slightly
commanding. It’s nice not to have to make any decisions for the moment.

“You want to go anywhere in particular?”

I stare at him for a moment and try to think. Going
home any time soon makes my heart shrivel with dread. It’s mid-summer so the
weather is pretty good and I don’t want to be cooped up indoors, wondering what
the hell to do with myself.

“Can we go to the lake?”

Nick nods, a flicker of something skating across those
deep blue eyes of his. “Sure.”

He pulls out of the street and takes us quickly away
from the city. The lake is in the middle of nowhere surrounded by a gorgeous
sandy bank. It might be busy with the weather but if you take the back
entrance, you can usually find a nice quiet spot. It’s too cold for swimming
most of the time though kids don’t seem to mind and I’ve swum in it before.

Maybe that’s why I saw something in Nick’s eyes. A
memory perhaps. We went there, a few years ago for a BBQ with some of Rob’s
friends and their wives. Rob was being a jerk, flirting with another wife and
almost got himself knocked out. He drank too much and ended up passed out. I
was so embarrassed, I wandered off into the forests surrounding the lake.

Nick—Mr. Super Hero—came after me. We chatted a
little. This was before we grew really close. He sat me down on a log and
listened to me complain. Sometimes I wish he weren’t so understanding. He makes
me feel so imperfect. The man has been through hell and back and he’s still
amazing. So funny and interesting, and kind.

But there had been a moment, as we sat on that log,
where we paused and just kind of stared at each other. It was one of those
moments where your life might have gone down a different route had you taken
the chance.

But neither of us would do that to Rob. Nick, out of
loyalty to the man who was once his best friend, and me, because in spite of
everything, I still believed in marriage vows. Perhaps that’s silly seeing as
Rob didn’t, but I think once you vow something, you’ve got to stick with it.

I lean my head against the padded part of the car
window and feel the vibrations as Nick drives away from the coast. I’m aware of
his cologne seeping through the air. I don’t know the name of it but I
recognize it. He seems to always wear it and it’s comforting. Makes me want to
close my eyes and drift off. In fact, Nick’s whole presence does that to me. It
makes me alive with awareness at the same time as wrapping me in this blanket
of comfort. It might be the warrior’s body that does it. That sense of always
being protected. And, boy, does Nick deliver on that. From his severe brow to
his large arms, there’s no doubting the man is as capable as ever, even with
his leg injury.

Sitting up as we drive into the rear parking lot, the
gravel crunching under the tires, I let out a breath as I note there are hardly
any cars around. I don’t really want to run into happy families right now. I
guess I really am bitter, but it just reminds me of what I don’t have.

Nick reaches across and unbuckles his seatbelt and
then mine.

“I am capable of doing that myself you know.” I keep
my voice light. I’m not sure how I’m coming across at the moment and I
desperately want to regain some of our banter. I sense he’s been tip-toeing
around me ever since Rob’s death and I just want to pretend everything is
normal again.

“Yeah, yeah I know. It wouldn’t kill you to let a man
look after you sometimes, you know? Too damned independent.” He flashes me a
grin, making my heart leap briefly. “Come on then. Let’s get some fresh air.”

He climbs out and I sit and wait as he comes around to
open the door for me.

“See? I let you do stuff for me,” I tease as he opens
it and I climb out, readjusting my skirt. I frown as I remember my high heels.
Hardly beachwear.

He shakes his head. “Not normally you don’t.”

“Yeah, well you’re a little old fashioned, you know?
Most guys don’t bother opening doors and stuff.”

Nicks pins me with a raised eyebrow and a severe look.
“I won’t apologize for being a gentleman, Sienna.”

Warmth heats my cheeks and I hope he can’t see it.
He’s right. I don’t know how to react when a man takes the time to look after
me.

“Sorry,” I mumble.

He shakes his head again. “Don’t apologize, short
stuff. Just let me take care of you sometimes.”

This time my heart does more than leap. It nearly
recoils out of my chest. Would it be terrible to admit that I would love for
him to take care of me?

Yes, it would. I’ve just buried my husband and I will
never, ever get involved with a soldier again.

“Come on,” I say and tug at his arm.

We make our way down to the sandy shoal and I slip off
my heels. He takes them from me and I make no protest, determined not to get a
scolding again.

The sand is warm against my toes and I spot kids
playing on the opposite side of the lake. I make out their squeals of delight
and force back a sigh. I wonder if I’ll ever have that. I feel too damaged to
even think about dating again. Yeah, I’m not ancient but to go through all that
once more. Meeting someone, getting to know them… maybe falling in love. It
could take years. I’ll probably be forty by the time I finally settle down
again and then what? I’ve heard it’s a lot harder to conceive by then.

Arm in arm, we stroll down to the water’s edge. Nick
steps back as I dip my toes into the water and shudder.

“Fuck, it’s cold!”

He laughs, a deep laugh that makes the toes in
question curl into the wet sand. Glancing over my shoulder, I squint at him in
the bright midday sun. I swallow as he views me from under his brow. Hands
pushed into his pant pockets, he’s discarded his jacket—I didn’t even notice
when to be honest—and is wearing a white shirt. A little tanned skin is visible
at the neck and it makes my mouth feel like the damned Sahara desert.

I turn away before he notices me gaping. He must know.

Must know how sexy I find him. It’s so wrong, it sends
jabbing shafts of guilt through me, but I’ve always thought he was gorgeous in
that rough, untamed kind of way.

Complete opposite of Rob really. Why oh why did I
choose the wrong man? I’ve asked myself that a ton of times. Rob charmed me, I
guess, and I was young and easily enticed. Nick is kind of quiet at first.
Brooding, I suppose. I was quite intimidated by him when I first met him.

Backing away from the lake, I retreat to his side.
“Well, I guess everything went well today, right?”

“Yeah.”

“I mean considering…” I fluster.

“Yeah, I know what you mean.” He gives me a tilted
smile.

I twist my feet in the sand, arms wrapped around
myself. “How are you doing? He was your best friend, after all.”

He sighs audibly. “He was, but, fuck, I hate to say
it… I saw this coming. Rob was so destructive.” He runs a hand through his
golden hair and throws me a regretful look. “I almost wasn’t surprised when I
heard he was dead.”

“God, I wish I wasn’t. I knew his drinking was bad,
but he always seemed indestructible to me. Like he could do anything, get away
with anything.”

“Yeah I think he seemed like that to everyone. That
was probably why people admired him so much.”

“Did you?”

“I used to. When I was younger. We grew up together
and he was always the outgoing, crazy one. But the past few years…” He secures
me with an intense look and all the air leaves my lungs. “He’s been a fucking
fool.”

I try to force myself to turn away but he has me
pinned. Does he mean Rob was a fool for the way he treated me or something
else? A fool for drinking so much? A fool for cheating on me? Sometimes I
wondered if it was PTSD—post traumatic stress disorder—but his behavior went
downhill way before he was ever deployed. Maybe it aggravated it, I don’t know.
The military is pretty hot on it, and tries to keep a close eye on the
soldiers, but they’ve only got so many resources and if someone’s in denial,
what can they do?

Honestly, I suspect Rob was on the path to ruin a long
time ago. With no parents and a foster home background, he was always the rebel
and I guess he never let go of that.

The connection breaks between us suddenly and I drop
my gaze to my feet. In an unexpected move, he snatches my hand and begins to
tug me along. I stumble on the sand and giggle. I’m not sure if I’m amused or
grateful the moment’s ended.

“Where are we going?”

“I dunno. Just for a walk.”

He keeps hold of my hand and I must admit, it’s a
pretty nice feeling. I can’t remember the last time Rob held my hand. I
shouldn’t enjoy it so much, but no one can see us, and if two friends can’t
comfort each other then what’s the point of being friends?

I need to forget that this friend of mine is insanely
sexy and makes my arm tingle and my… well, let’s be honest, my pussy clench.

His callused hand on mine as we stroll along the bank
only increases the tingles, but it does definitely offer me comfort. Out in the
sun, standing next to this gorgeous man, I could almost forget I’ve just buried
my husband.

“So,” he says, “any news on the apartment?”

“Yeah, I’m waiting for the paperwork to be finalized
and hopefully I’ll be moving in pretty soon. A few weeks I guess. I can’t
wait.”

“That keen to get away from me, huh?”

I smack his arm playfully. “Not from you, you idiot.
But definitely from the house, the army.  I really wasn’t a very good
military wife. The sooner I’m out of there the better.”

“You could have been an amazing military wife. It’s
not like that for everyone, you know? You just need to find the right guy.”

I gulp. “And it’s closer to work,” I add lamely,
ignoring his pointed comment.

Was he inferring he was the right guy? God, maybe he
was, once. But I’m burned. I can’t do it again. I want to forget about this
part of my life and move on. Live like a normal person. No more moving and
worrying, and having to make new friends and sucking up to the officers. All
that rank crap. I hated it. It’s such an old fashioned notion. And some of the
wives…  you’d think they were the ones with the rank, not their husbands.
Most of them were okay, but one or two of them just spoiled it for the rest of
us.

“I’ll come give you a hand moving your stuff,” he
offers.

I nod. I feel bad but I need the help. Nick is too
generous and I’m going to have to figure out a way to pay him back someday.
Problem is, I can’t move my couch and big stuff on my own so I need a strong
guy. I don’t own enough furniture to warrant paying some moving men and putting
down the deposit on the apartment wiped me out. So I’m being extra careful with
my cash.

Nick leads me over to a bench set back against the
woods and we sit. The silence is odd. Not uncomfortable, but strange in the way
it soothes me. I hear the kids screaming across the lake but it’s so low, I
just enjoy it. Normally Nick and I talk a lot but my emotions are so shot, I’m
incapable of normal conversation.