Not Another Soldier (6 page)

Drawing the sheets away, I eye my naked breasts. Red marks
mar them, evidence of our desperation. My heart drops. I can’t believe I let
that happen. It was amazing. I squeeze my eyes shut again as my body clenches
in remembrance. More than amazing.

But still a mistake.

I can’t be with a soldier ever again and I’ve probably
ruined the most important friendship in my life. How can I look at him the same
when I know what it feels like—my cheeks enflame—to have him inside me? How can
I control myself now I can say exactly what he looks like naked? When he wears
those T-shirts, I’ll be able to recall how firm and muscled his chest is. I’ll
remember the taste of his skin and the noises he made when I kissed his nipples
and stroked his shaft.

Eyes snapping open, I run my hands through my hair
again and slide out of bed. I dig out my scruffiest PJs and throw them on. My
vanity wants me to look great but I don’t think it’s a good idea right now. If
he feels even half of what I feel, then I do not need him being the faintest
bit attracted to me when I tell him it won’t happen again.

But then maybe he won’t want it to. Maybe it was a one
off. I bite the inside of my cheek as I turn to check my appearance in the full
length mirror on my wall. Will we be able to return to normal though? I need
Nick’s friendship so much at the moment. I hate to admit it but I’m still
finding my feet. He’s the only constant thing in my life.

I pull the door open and peer out. He’s sitting in my
kitchen, in the same clothes as this morning. He glances up and flashes me a
grin. My stomach curdles. I’m not sure if I can do it.

I sidle in, hands clenched at my sides. He looks so at
home in my apartment. He has a cup of coffee in his hands and a newspaper
resting on the marbled breakfast bar.  This is what it would be like, I
realize, to live with Nick. I like it far too much.

No, this isn’t what it would be like, I remind myself.
This is not what life with a soldier is normally like.

“Hey, I didn’t know what time you got up when you were
on nights and you looked so peaceful, I couldn’t bring myself to wake you.”

I lift my shoulder in a half shrug. “S’okay.”

“I have coffee.” He gets up and pours me a cup,
remembering to add milk and sugar just how I like it, and then slides it over
to me.

I cup both hands around it and suck in the aroma as if
it will somehow bring me to my senses. This man has the ability to turn me into
a jibbering, inarticulate mess. “H-have you been here all day?”

“No. I went out for a little. Picked you up some
groceries.” He gives me a stern look but I can see the amusement in his eyes.
“You don’t have much to feed a hungry guy in your fridge.”

“Sorry,” I mutter after taking a sip of my coffee. “I
don’t really make a habit of having guys over.”

His jaw tenses briefly, the amusement leaving his face
and then it’s back again. If everyone smiled as readily as Nick, the world
would be a much better place.

“Well now you’ve got plenty of supplies.”

So there’s my opening. I get what he’s saying, what
he’s hinting at. I don’t know if he just wants us to be fuck buddies or
boyfriend and girlfriend or something more serious but I don’t—I
can’t
—want
any of it.

I place my coffee down and trace the marbled patterns
on the counter top with a finger. I can’t bring myself to meet his gaze. “Look,
Nick, about…”

He leans across the counter and grabs my hand. “I know
things got a little crazed there, Sienna, and you’re only just finding your
feet after… Rob. But we’ve been working on this attraction for some time.
You’re clever, you know that.”

“Nick, I can’t do this.”

“Do what?”

“This. Anything. Us.” I motion to both of us. “It was
a mistake. I’ve barely buried my husband for Godsakes.” There’s a hysterical
edge to my voice and I feel like an idiot but the touch of his hand is draining
me, making me weak. I want to throw myself back in his arms and feel his lips
on mine again.

“I know you’ve been through a lot, sweetheart, but
this doesn’t have to be difficult. We know each other better than most couples
do. Hell, we’ve already seen each other at our worst. I think we’ve got a good
shot at this. Especially,” he laughs, “when we have sex like that.”

I shake my head vigorously. “No.”

“What do you mean ‘no’?”

“I can’t do it, Nick. Please just don’t even ask.”
Tears prick my eyes. I hate feeling so vulnerable. “Can’t we go back to being
just friends?”

“Just friends? You think we can go back after that?
Sienna, that was once in a fucking lifetime sex. Most people are lucky to find
something like that. And now you want to be friends again? Was I the only one
who felt how fucking mind-blowing it was between us? If this is out of some
misguided loyalty to Rob… hell, he may have been my best friend but he never
treated you right, never deserved you. If you were mine, I would work every day
to make you smile. I would never treat you the way he did.”

“I-I know. This isn’t about Rob. Please, I can’t do
this again…”

And I do know. His words spark just the tiniest
flicker of doubt in me. He found it amazing too. I long to throw myself at him.
To let him make me smile. But his brow furrows and I see his anger building. It
sends the tiniest curl of apprehension through me. I guess an angry man will
always have that effect on me. My heart aches for what I can’t have but it’s no
good. Great sex is no reason for me to put myself through the nightmarish life
I had before.

“Again? What makes you think being with me would be
the same as being married to Rob?”

“No, I know… but you’re a soldier. I just can’t, Nick.
Please, I don’t want to lose your friendship. Can’t we be friends?”

“No. I can’t do that, Sienna, I’m sorry. I can’t be
around you and not want you. I’ve always wanted you and I think you’ve always
wanted me. How can I play your friend when I know what’s it like to have you
come apart in my arms, tell me that?”

“Shit, Nick, please don’t make it any harder. “

He glares at me for a moment and I hear his teeth
grind. I tense. Then he shoves back. “I won’t. I’m out of here.”

He storms away, not even glancing at me, and I sink
against the counter as he disappears through the sliding doors. My front door
slams shortly afterward and I jolt.

I want to cry. I think. I wrap my arms around myself
and wonder where it all went wrong. In the bedroom. That’s where it went wrong.
Or in the living room. Or when I started looking at him as anything other than
a friend.

But he’s right. I’ve probably always been attracted to
him. As soon as the shine wore off my marriage to Rob, I began to see Nick for
what he was.

I’m such a bitch. A dumb, horrible bitch. Nick is the
most amazing man I know. How many men would take care of their best friend’s
wife? And how many men speak like that?

If you were mine, I would work every day to make you
smile.

His words echo through my mind. I don’t doubt it. Nick
could make me smile. He
does
make me smile. But what about the times
when he will make me cry? When he’s fit enough to go back on tour and I have to
spend months without even hearing a word, praying he’s still alive. Or when he
spends weeks and weeks training and I don’t know whether I’m coming or going.
What happens when it falls apart because we’re trying to keep a relationship
afloat as we move about the country, losing our friends, losing our home? Will
he
ever lose his temper with me?

I shake my head to myself. Nick’s not like Rob but I’m
just not strong enough to do it. Damn, I am so weak. I turn back to my coffee
and cup it again, trying to draw the warmth from it as if it could warm the
ache in my chest that Nick’s absence has left.

He’s right. It was most amazing sex ever. It really
was. But sex doesn’t mean anything. It’s only sex. I’m not sure I’m convinced
though. I sip my coffee. How am I going to apologize to Nick? We want such
different things, that’s clear. I want his friendship and he wants…

He wants me.

God, I wish that idea didn’t excite me. It’s really
not helping me get a grip on the situation. I glance at the kitchen clock and
realize I need to get moving if I’m going to gather my uniform and clean the
apartment before my next shift.

When I pick up my discarded scrubs and underwear, a
pang strikes me and those wretched tears are back. Life-changing sex… well it
could have been, but I guess I’ll admit it, I’m too scared and too burned to
let it change my life.

Nick

Hands shoved into my front pockets, I storm down the
steps and out onto the sidewalk. I pause for a moment, fight the urge to pound
my fists into the pavement. Godammit. How did everything go so wrong? One
minute I’ve got Sienna, hot and amazing in my arms, and the next she’s gone all
rigid and cold. I don’t know what I was anticipating, but how the fuck can she
expect me to forget sex like that? How can she brush it off like it was
nothing? Christ knows I’ve been no saint, but I have never had sex like that. I
don’t know if it’s that I’ve been lusting—no, not lusting—
wanting
her
for so long, but I don’t think it is. If it was, surely it would be a simple
release type thing. That was more than just good sex. That was mind-blowing,
lovemaking shit. I sound like a sap but let’s face it, I’ve loved Sienna for
quite a while.

I look around and scowl. I’ve forgotten something.
“Shit.” My car. It’s still at the hospital. I laugh at myself, though I’m not
amused. My leg has felt better. I forget about it a lot
—
maybe
I deliberately block it out until moments like this. A lot of time spent in the
gym, almost killing myself to get into shape seems to have blocked the dull
ache I get a lot. However, moments like this, it stabs through me, reminding me
of my mortality. Reminding me why I’ve stood by Sienna’s side for so long, even
when it all looked hopeless. Because if anyone’s worth living or dying for,
it’s her.

In spite of the pain, a surge of unspent energy is
bouncing around inside me that needs working off, so I settle for walking to
the hospital. I could probably catch a bus or hail a cab, but I’ve got nothing
else to do. Maybe if I walk enough, I’ll calm down and figure out how to deal
with Sienna, and hopefully forget the throb in my calf.

Of course, half the energy comes from that fact I’d
assumed possibly she’d let me take her back to bed. In spite of my anger, just
the thought turns me on. Damned stubborn woman. So determined to make herself
miserable.

I begin my walk, head down, stewing inside. I nearly
get run over as I cross because I can’t think straight. Am I giving up on her?
I’m not sure. I’ve waited this long, am I really going to just throw our
friendship away because I failed at the first hurdle? But I’m still in shock.
I’d been so convinced that one night—no,
morning
—together was all we’d
need. The shutters would finally fall and she’d see that she’s meant to be with
me. I’ve been waiting for that moment for what feels like forever.

By the time I get my car and get back to base, I’m
still buzzing with energy but my temper’s calmed. Shit, I was pretty harsh. I
wonder if there will be any way to salvage things. I shove open the door and
follow the corridor down to my room. Fumbling for my keys, I unlock and kick
the door. Once I’m in, I slam it shut and feel the wall vibrate with the force.
The first thing I do is slump on my bed. What was I thinking storming out like
that? Throwing a fucking tantrum?

I know what Sienna’s been through more than anyone and
I’ve been an asshole. I stare at my ceiling and curse Rob for the billionth
time. Why couldn’t he have treated her better? Why did he have to damage her so
badly?

A smile creeps across my face, in spite of everything,
as I remember when we first met her. She’d been so vibrant and funny. Pretty
much all of us were drooling over her. She’s one of those people who draws
other people to them. Like Rob really. And I guess that’s why she ended up with
him rather than me.

And whose fault was that? If I could go back and kick
my twenty-four year old ass, I would. I was always the brooding guy. The one
who was quiet and mysterious until you got to know me. It worked well enough
but Rob… once he saw something everyone else wanted, he had to have it. He
figured I liked Sienna, so guess what? He got her.

Then he drained the life out of her. I don’t think she
realizes how much I noticed. The only time the old Sienna returned was those
six months when Rob was away. She was afraid for him—not that the jackass
deserved it—but she was free again, even if she didn’t realize it at the time.
God, what I wouldn’t give to have that woman back again.

The woman I’d finally found this morning.

With a groan, I flick on the TV I need to stop
thinking about it all, just for a while. I need to calm down and figure out my
next move. I shudder and grimace as I eye my bare room. It feels cold compared
to Sienna’s place. It’s better than what the lower ranks have. God knows, I’ve
lived in some shit holes in my time in the Marines, but it’s pretty sad being
in your thirties and living in a single room. If you weren’t in the military,
everyone would think you were a loser. You do wonder sometimes why you bother
putting life and limb—literally in my case—on the line for
this
. It’s
not exactly a life is it? Some of the guys buy houses but I don’t see the
point, not if you’re going to move on. And renting them out is too much hassle.
I’ve got money saved but…

I stare unseeingly at the TV. Guess I’d always held
out hope that eventually Sienna would come to me and I could buy her a house.
Rob had all that. Someone to come home to, to eat with and chat about his day.
Damn, I envied that. But what kind of man wants their best friend’s wife?

I’ve battled with that guilt for so long, I’m used to
it now. And Rob is dead and Sienna needs someone. Needs me, even if she doesn’t
know it yet. I jump up and grab a beer from the mini-fridge I keep in my room.
Cracking it open, I take a determined drink. I’m done standing by Rob. I did my
part, played the loyal friend and watched as he fucked up his life and his
marriage. Fucked up Sienna’s life. In the military, loyalty is everything. You
don’t fight for the politicians or whatever bullshit reason they give you. When
you’re on the battlefield, you fight for your buddies. But I’m done being loyal
to Rob, even in death. He wasn’t the guy I used to know, the boy I played
soldiers with as a kid. And I’ll be damned if he’s going to ruin my life too.

I don’t know what I’m going to do yet, but somehow I’m
going to get Sienna and make her mine, once and for all.

***

Sienna

I’m driving to work when I see the flash of blue
lights and hear the sound of a siren. I glance in my rearview mirror, intending
to see if I can move aside but realize the cops are signaling for me to pull
over. I frown. Maybe my taillight is out? I wasn’t speeding.

Searching for an easy way off the road, I spy an
emergency turn-off and flip my blinker. I sit in the car, turn off the engine
and roll down the window as the officer approaches. My palms are clammy. What
is it about the law that makes me always feel like I’ve done something wrong
even when I’m totally innocent?

“Hi,” I say meekly as the cop comes to my window, “uh,
Officer,” I add.

It’s a woman. I don’t know if I’m more or less
comfortable with that. Her black hair is pulled tightly back and she has a
no-nonsense look to her.

“License and registration please, ma’am.”

I snatch my bag from the passenger seat and dig
frantically around for my wallet. It feels like it takes me forever to find it
and I’m sure I hear her feet tap as she waits.

Finally finding it, I draw it out and hand over my
I.D. and registration with a flourish. She glances over them and walks back to
her patrol car.  She’s gone a few minutes and I can see her lips moving
and her tapping on the computer in the car.  A few minutes later, she
returns. “Can you step out of the car please?”

I frown but I’m too nervous to ask her why. I wrack my
brain to think of what I could possibly have done wrong. As I climb out, she
motions for me to stand at the side of the car and her male partner gets out of
the patrol car. I notice they both have their hands rested on the butt of their
guns and my pulse quickens.

“Ma’am,” the female police officer says to me,
“there’s an APB out for your car. We have information that it’s involved with a
drug trafficking ring.” My jaw drops. Drugs? Me? Do I really look like a drug
user or… or transporter or whatever? I want to say this but I can’t seem to
make my mouth work. “Do you have any drugs or weapons in the car?”

“N-no, of course not.”

“We’re going to have to search your car.”

I nod. “Okay.” My voice comes out a squeak. That
irrational fear they will find something is creeping in. Which is insane. I’ve
never done drugs. Well, the tiniest piece of pot in college but it made me so
ill I never touched it again. They’re not going to find any drugs but I still
twine my hands together nervously.

“Ma’am, I’m going to need to do a quick body search.
Do you have anything on you that you shouldn’t or that might stick me?”

I shake my head dumbly. I dart a glance around. Could
this day get any worse? Cars are still traveling by, slowing down to see the
action. Now they’re going to see me getting patted down like a common criminal.

She guides me to spread my arms out and begins
brushing her hands over me. She’s quick and thorough, and it doesn’t seem
particularly invasive, but I still feel kind of dirty.

When she nods to her colleague, he gets back in the
patrol car. I see him talking on his radio. “Ma’am, we need to take you to the
station for questioning.”

“Seriously? But I haven’t done anything!”

She eyes me gravely. “I need you to come down to the
station.”

I stare at her in astonishment. “Am I under arrest?”

***

I study my shaky hands as I sit on the cold bench. Why
is there an APB on my car? I’ve never done anything. Seriously, nothing. Once I
got married, that was it for excitement and crazy behavior. I barely even drink
anymore.  I lift my head and glance quickly around the dark parking lot
outside the station. Cars come and go, some picking up rough, criminal types. I
can’t believe they had me pegged as one of them.

Nibbling on a nail, I grimace as my head begins to
pound. Today has been too much. Attacked by a stranger, sleeping with my best
friend and then almost arrested as a suspected drug trafficker. I tap my feet
on the ground and wait, clenching my still shaking hands tightly. 

The cops hardly told me anything, which is the worst
thing really. All the stony silences and suspicious looks. They asked me about
work, my life, my marriage. They were very interested in Rob which made me
uncomfortable. Even trying to relate back the state of things between us makes
me edgy. I don’t like admitting to my failure as a wife. They even asked me
about my finances. I told them everything, of course I did, but you could tell
my answers weren’t what they were looking for.  Hell, I don’t even know
what they were hoping to get from me. I don’t jaywalk without feeling guilty.

I sigh and rest my chin on my hand. I can’t believe I
called him. But who else was I going to call? I don’t have anyone else and
they’ve still got my car, though I guess they didn’t find anything or they
wouldn’t have released me. I’ve never been so scared in my life
—
not
even when Rob tried to hurt me
—
and right now, regardless of what happened between us
today, I want my best friend. I just hope he’ll forgive me for the way I
behaved. Nick had sounded annoyed until I mentioned the fact I’d been held for
questioning at the station. Then he just went all gruff and told me he’d come
get me before hanging up.

My heart bounds against my chest as I spot his black
Jeep. He pulls up directly in front of me and leans over to open the car door.
“Get in.”

Great, now I feel like a child being scolded by a
parent. I climb in, noting he doesn’t offer to help with the seatbelt. Twining
my fingers in my lap, I peek at his cold expression, dread curdling in my
stomach. I guess I handled everything worse than I realized.

“What happened?” he asks brusquely as he drives out
the parking lot.

“I got pulled over on my way to work… shit, I haven’t
even called them yet.” I wave my hand—to myself more than anything. “I’ll call
them in a bit.”

No way am I going in now. I’m still shaken up by
everything. Thankfully my boss is really understanding. My gut pangs. We’re
short staffed, as usual, but I didn’t even take time off after Rob died so I
shouldn’t feel guilty really.

“Anyway, the cops said there was some kind of APB on
the car or something. Like it’s been picked up as having something to do with
drugs.”

Nick’s brow furrows. He still looks kind of cross with
me. “And…?”

“And they searched the car and me. It was pretty
scary,” I admit. “I don’t think they found anything but I’ve got to wait for
the car to be processed. What I don’t get is why there would be a marker on it?
Surely there would be some reason for them to believe it was involved in drug
dealing? And, Nick, you know that used to be Rob’s car.”

“So?” He keeps his gaze ahead as he navigates the
streets. I glance at my watch. It’s nearly eleven p.m. but there’s still plenty
of traffic on the street, I guess ‘cause it’s the weekend.

“Nick,” I say, exasperated. I need answers. “Was Rob
doing drugs or selling them or something?” His face remains blank. “Nick, if
you know something, please tell me. I don’t want to remain in the dark about my
husband.”