Nothing Left to Burn (27 page)

And I was about to do it again. “Um, no, Lieutenant.”

“No! What the hell do you mean no? Jesus Christ, Reece! This isn’t some alternate reality game you and Alex play. This is real life. You have evidence that could indicate arson, and you didn’t report it? If it were up to me, I’d kick you off this squad right now.”

A big fist crashed to a desk. “Lieutenant, it’s
not
up to you.” Chief Duffy took back control. He shuffled papers on his desk and picked up a creased piece of white paper that had been folded and unfolded a few too many times and now looked—

Looked like the note in my pocket. I shoved my hand into my pocket, but it was empty. Blood pounded in my ears, and spots danced in my eyes. God. Oh Jesus, I was gonna be sick. I was gonna hurl all over the chief’s desk. Chief Duffy must have caught on.

“Okay, everybody out. I want a moment alone with my cadet.”

I’d given Amanda my note. I told her I didn’t need it anymore, not since I’d met her.

And now it was on the chief’s desk.

“He’s
my
son!”

Oh my God!
Really?
I shut my eyes and shrugged. “Let them stay. Let them all stay.” Like it even mattered now.

“Jamison brought this to my attention.”

I sent her a glare I hoped sliced all the way through her stone-cold heart. She flinched but quickly masked it with a shift of her weight.

“Given the, ah, you know, distance between you and your father”—Chief Duffy rolled his hand in the air and slid a look toward Dad, who didn’t so much as wince—“she brought it to me because she’s concerned it might be a, um, well, a suicide note.”

The word hung in the air, suspended in time. I just sat there, trying to figure out why I couldn’t feel my extremities. There was nothing, nothing but numbness and some random thoughts circling my brain. I never should have let her read it, never should have listened to her, trusted her. She was the only one I’d—even Alex didn’t know. Oh God. Oh my God, that was why he looked so ill.
She’d texted him.
It must have been his idea to tell the chief. Or Dad. Or both.

I swallowed hard, and a bitterness in the back of my throat penetrated all the numbness. Was it the taste of disappointment? Betrayal? The answer came to me, and I almost laughed out loud at the irony. This was what it tasted like to lose hope.

The minute I named it, the pain began—a full-out attack on every receptor in my body. I knew if I looked, I’d find a gaping wound, because now, it burned. Oh Jesus, it burned. I had to leave, had to run, had to be far, far from here before I lost it.
Damn
it, Matt. Goddamn it, why did you leave me?
The pulsing, pounding,
roaring
in my ears demanded action, but there wasn’t one. There was nothing I could do to escape—except for one thing.

Deny.

“I’m sorry,” I began, absolutely dumbfounded my voice worked. “I’m so sorry Amanda felt it necessary to worry you for no reason.”

My dad flipped his palm up in a what-did-I-tell-you gesture. Chief Duffy’s eyes narrowed.

“Son, are you telling me this is
not
a suicide note?”

I pressed one hand over my heart. “Chief, I promise, it’s not a suicide note. But it is a good-bye note.”

Dad’s eyes snapped up and then away.

“What you called distance between my dad and me goes a lot deeper than that, and honestly, I’m sick of it. I am who I am, and that pisses him off for a whole bunch of dumbass reasons he’s just gonna have to deal with by himself, because I quit.”

“You quit? What does that mean?” Chief Duffy leaned forward, my note still grasped in his hand.

“It means I’m leaving. I don’t want anything from him. I don’t want to see him. I don’t even want his name.”

Dad made a
whoosh
sound like he’d been sucker punched that pinched my heart, but I didn’t—couldn’t—stop.

“I want to start over, find people who appreciate me and love me. I thought—” Abruptly I clamped my lips together with another glare toward Amanda. It didn’t matter what I thought. It was pretty damn obvious I was wrong on every level.

The chief narrowed his eyes. “And what about your mom?”

I flinched. “My mother”—I tried to find the right words—“loves us both.
I’m
taking her out of the middle.” My dad couldn’t look at me.

“Reece, we’re worried about you. Nobody here wants you to leave.”

“No, sir, you’re right. They usually wish I wasn’t here in the first place.”

Chief Duffy frowned and leaned back in his chair. “I don’t understand. Why did you volunteer if you’d already decided to leave?”

“It was my brother’s idea, sir. His dying wish.”

Dad’s chair hit Chief Duffy’s desk as he jumped to his feet. Amanda and the chief both leaped up too, but it wasn’t in time. Dad grabbed a fistful of my T-shirt, cocked back his arm, and ground out between clenched teeth, “He shouldn’t be dead! Goddamn it, you—”

I never thought it. I never gave my hand the command to hit.

Suddenly, my dad was sprawled on the floor, a fountain of blood dripping from his nose. I glanced down at my hand, surprised to find it still there—and throbbing.

“Reece!” Amanda screamed. “Oh my God, Lieutenant, are you okay?”

“No, goddamn it, I’m not okay.” Dad covered his nose and tilted his head back.

“Logan, ah, Christ. Didn’t I warn you not to bring family drama into my house?”

I ignored them both and just glared at my father. “You think I don’t know you blame me for Matt’s death? You think I don’t care that Matt is gone? This is why I wanted to go!”

“You should have—”

“That’s enough!” Chief Duffy shouted. “Cadet, you’re suspended. One week. Leave immediately. Do not return until class starts the night of the second week, is that understood? And Lieutenant, you’ll shut your mouth right now or you’ll join him. Clear?”

I shut my eyes, turned, and left the chief’s office without a backward glance.

They were traitors. All of them.

***

I stopped thinking.

Off-line.

Autopilot.

Made it home. Ignored Mom. Ignored Tucker.

Upstairs in my room, I locked the door and then slid down the back of it, all the way to the floor.

Stayed there.

Don’t swallow, don’t swallow.
It burned—oh fuck! Pain in my throat, jagged edges over the white-hot blaze.

She
showed
them
my
note.
She showed them—showed
him—
and now it was gone. My entire plan. Everything I did, for nothing. I wasn’t done. Goddamn it, I wasn’t done. There was no point to any of it now.

No fucking point.

I uncurled the hand clenched in a fist, and it was there, right there, in my palm. When had I unlocked the box, picked it up? I didn’t remember.

“Reece? Reece, open this door.” Mom pounded on my locked door.

I stared at my hand, but it shook and blurred. I hid it, the key to my escape, back in its box, locked it, slid it under my bed, and opened the door. Mom shoved into my room, the dog on her heels.

“Hey, Mom.”

Mom’s face was white as a sheet, and the white-hot blaze in my throat got impossibly hotter. “Hey? That’s all you—” Abruptly, she bit back the rest of her question and started over. “Reece. Your father called. What’s this business about a
suicide
note
?”

“He called you?” I verified, sneering. “What for? It’s what he wants.” It was the wrong thing to say, totally wrong.

Mom’s face went gray, and she grabbed me and pulled me toward her, gripping me the way I held Matt when he slowly bled out, gripping me so tight, it would have hurt if I wasn’t so numb.

“No! No, don’t say that. Don’t ever say that!” She pulled away far enough to shake me. “He doesn’t want you dead, Reece. Never that.”

“Then what, Mom? He sure as hell doesn’t want me as a son.”

“
I
do.” She shook me again, hard enough to rattle my teeth. “Do you hear me? I do.”

I looked at her, really looked at her, and she looked so, so…I don’t know,
old
. When had that happened? Mom was the most beautiful woman in the world. Now, there were lines on her face, gray in her hair, and fear in her eyes, the darkest fear I’d ever seen.

And he’d put it there, not me,
him
. I hated him for that. I’d hate him for the rest of my life. I’d hate them both—Dad and Amanda. God, oh God.

Sobs ripped out of my lungs like some alien creature leaving its host—loud, gasping rattles that echoed off the walls of my room. I tried to hold on, clutching Mom, Tucker pawing at me, but some tiny bit of black in me grew and eclipsed everything that I was and swallowed me whole, alive and screaming.

“Reece, honey, breathe. Breathe now. That’s it.” Mom’s voice sounded like it was broadcast from the moon over cheap radios. Dimly, I felt her hand on my head, on my back.
Stroke, pat, stroke.
“Reece, I want you to come with me. Right now. Get up. Hold Tucker’s leash. Walk downstairs with me. Get in the car. Will you do that?”

I lifted my head. It felt like it had its own gravity. Mom’s eyes were red from crying, and what was left of my heart shattered into pieces. I nodded, and she helped me to my feet. I took the leash. When did she clip it on? My limbs felt leaden. With her help, I made it down the stairs and into the backseat, where I closed my eyes.

When I opened them again, I was in a hospital room, my hands strapped to the bed.

Chapter 28

Amanda

Reece wasn’t in school the day after he decked his dad.

Or the day after that. It was Wednesday now. Nobody really noticed he was gone, except for Bear and Max. At our lunch table that day, Bear broke the silence. “We should visit. Make sure he’s okay, you know?” The bell rang before anybody agreed.

I grabbed my tray and dumped what was left into the trash, and Gage grabbed my elbow. “What happened to Logan, Man?”

I didn’t meet his eyes.

“Tick tock, Mandy.”

“Okay, okay.” I threw my hands out and nearly smacked a sophomore on his way out of the cafeteria. “Sorry,” I called after him. “I showed Reece’s note to the chief. And to the lieutenant.”

Gage’s eyes nearly exploded from his face. “You…oh my God. You didn’t.”

“I did.” And I hated myself ever since Reece looked at me with those dark eyes of his, burning with betrayal.

“Why? Why the hell would you do that?”

Because
I
didn’t want to lose him.

The truth struck me right in the solar plexus.
Idiot!
I was so stupid. I’d tried so hard to keep Reece from getting too close because I knew this would happen. He’d leave me; that’s what everybody did. The dad I never met, my mom, Mrs. Merodie… Every. Single. One. Left me. But Reece? He was different. Had been different right from the start. But this wasn’t just leaving.

It was
going
.

Forever.

And even though I knew I had no right, I just couldn’t let that happen.

My heart hurt, and tears burned in my throat, but I swallowed all that down and flicked a glance at Gage. He was staring at me pretty much the way Reece had, and I erupted. “Oh, come on, Gage! You were the one who told me about the stupid letter in the first place. You said Reece had issues. You Googled that one line and showed me, remember?”

“So you showed it to the one person who pretty much created the situation in the first place?” Gage shook his head. “Way to go, Man. You probably ruined what was left of that guy’s life.”

I froze while my stomach fell to the ground and I tried to remember how to breathe. “Well, thank you for all the support.” I shoved through the cafeteria doors, but Gage was right behind me. “You don’t even like him, so what the hell is your problem?”

“Oh, don’t even pretend you did this because of me. You did this for yourself, and you still haven’t said why.”

“I just told you! What if it really was a suicide note?”

“If you thought it was, you should have showed it to someone who gives a shit about him, not someone who moved out of the fucking house to get away from him.”

The late bell rang, and Gage took off at a run, his words echoing in the hall.

***

After school, I walked to the station house and headed up to the chief’s office, but he wasn’t on-shift.

“Hey, Amanda. What are you doing here?”

I turned, saw Steve Conner standing in the door to his office, and shrugged. “Looking for the chief.”

“He’s due in tonight.”

“Good.” I nodded. “That’s, uh, good.”

Steve angled his head. “Anything I can help you with?”

Shrugging, I turned for the stairs. “No. I wanted to talk to him about Reece.”

Steve sucked in a sharp breath. “Yeah, too bad about Reece. I liked that kid. Hope they let him out soon.”

I froze.
Let
him
out
of
what?
“What?” I turned back. “Let him out?”

“The hospital. John called his wife, and she took him to the hospital. For his own protection.”

I pressed my hands to my gaping mouth.

Jesus! What did I do?

I turned and ran down the stairs, out the main exit, and skidded to a stop when I saw Lieutenant Logan sitting in his car on the street, a purple bruise under one eye. “What did you do?” I demanded as I stalked over and leaned into the open window. “What the hell did you do to Reece?”

John shifted tired eyes toward me, then took another drag on the cigarette he pinched between his thumb and fingers. He looked away and shrugged. “What had to be done.”

“You put him in a hospital?”

He cut me with another tired look. “Was I supposed to let the stupid kid die?”

I straightened up. “
The
stupid
kid.
That’s what you call your own son?”

He sucked in more smoke, then sighed it out. “Look, Amanda, I did what I had to do. Let it be, okay?”