Nothing Left to Lose (39 page)

My breath
caught in my throat. I liked him too, but I just couldn’t let him
in, I couldn’t. Even aside from the fact that I was still messed up
over Jack, I couldn’t go through another heartbreak. Everything I
touched turned to shit and left in the end, and I couldn’t stand
for that to happen to him. Having him in my life as a friend, or
even as an acquaintance, was much better than not having him at
all.

“I like you
too,” I muttered, “but I just want us to be friends. There’s
something between us though, I don’t know if you feel it too, but
it’s like a need, like something I long for, but I can’t have it. I
can’t let you in, I’m sorry.” And I truly was sorry. Sorry for all
the times I may have led him on and used him for a quick bit of
self-pleasure, support and comfort. That wasn’t fair of me, I knew
that. The words were painful to say; it felt like I was ripping my
heart out, and the pain that I felt scared me even more. It was
then that I realised that I’d already let him in to a certain
extent.

“You can’t let
me in, or you won’t?” he countered, not taking his eyes from
mine.

“Both.” I was
fighting the urge to cry, I could feel my eyes prickling with
tears.

He sighed. “I
don’t like hurting you. I think I should just request a
reassignment so it’ll make things easier on you.”

Panic surged
through me at the thought of being without him. I couldn’t do it. I
needed him way too much for my own good. I threw myself at him,
knocking him flat onto his back as I wrapped my arms around his
neck tightly, afraid to let go. The emotions that were threatening
to break free merely seconds before now hit me full force.

“No! Oh God,
please don’t go. I’m so sorry. I won’t shut you out again, I won’t.
Please don’t leave me,” I choked out between sobs, gripping
fistfuls of his T-shirt.

He gasped,
wrapping his arms around me tightly too, stroking the back of my
head soothingly. “Anna, shush. It’s okay. I won’t leave if you
don’t want me to. That was just a suggestion, that’s all. I just
don’t like hurting you all the time. You’re killing me, I
swear.”

I sniffed in a
very unladylike fashion and pulled back so I could look at him.
“I’m so sorry. I just need you around me. Please don’t leave,” I
begged. “I just can’t be with you in that way. I can’t do that to
you or Jack, please understand.”

He sighed,
cupping my face in his hands. “I understand. Just don’t put me
through this again, alright? I hate seeing you upset and knowing
that I caused it.”

“You didn’t
cause it. It was my fault. I’m so sorry. Please say you forgive
me?” I begged. The emotional pain at the thought of him leaving me
was crushing me inside.

He tilted my
head down and kissed the tip of my nose tenderly. “There’s nothing
to forgive, Baby Girl. I enjoyed last night as much as you did.” He
wiped my tears off my cheeks using his thumbs. “Just promise me
we’ll talk through stuff in the future. Don’t shut me out again,
promise?”

I nodded
quickly. “I promise.”

A gorgeously
wicked smile crossed his face. “Good. Now, how about we skip the
rest of the day and go catch a movie or something?”

I laughed,
wiping away the last of my tears; he always did seem to know how to
make me feel better. “You’re a bad influence on me, Agent Taylor,”
I scolded, grinning now too.

“Yeah, but you
love it,” he teased, rolling so that I was under him and then
pushing himself up to his feet.

“Yeah, I do,” I
admitted. I smiled and took the hand he offered, letting him pull
me to my feet. We walked hand in hand to the car as he called Dean
to tell him we were leaving. As we climbed into the car, I silently
prayed I could always keep Ashton in my life somehow.

I woke in the
morning with Anna nudging me gently in the ribs. I smiled and
opened my eyes. She was wide awake, looking at me, grinning like
the Cheshire cat. The same as every morning, her eyes were still
droopy from sleep and her hair was messy and sticking out. Still,
she took my breath away.

“Hi. What are
you grinning at me like that for?” I asked, confused. Had I done
something to make her happy? I thought back over the last few days
but couldn’t think of anything specific, today was just a random
Thursday, so nothing was going on that I could think of.

“Well, I’ve got
you something for your birthday on Saturday, but I need to give it
to you now.”

“What? How do
you know it’s my birthday on Saturday?” I asked, rubbing my sleepy
eyes and propping myself up on my elbow.

She chuckled.
“You told me, remember? When we were at my parents’ house, when you
first started,” she explained, shrugging and leaning away from me.
My stomach clenched as it always did when she was about to move
away from me. I reached out and put my hand on the small of her
back so I could savour the last touch before she got dressed and we
were back to just being bodyguard and client. When we were all
cuddled up in bed, I liked to believe we were more than that.

Instead of
getting out of the bed though, she reached into her bedside cabinet
and pulled out an envelope with her name on the front, but I
noticed that it was addressed to next door, to Dean and Peter’s
apartment.

She sat
crossed-legged on the bed and held the envelope out to me, grinning
wildly. I smiled. Anna liked to do things for me; even just little
things like making my favourite food seemed to make her happy. I
loved it when she smiled.

“Here.” She bit
on her lip like she always did when she was excited.

Seeing her lip
in her teeth like that made my mouth water. I wanted to bite her
lip like that. Thoughts of her lip between my teeth and her tongue
in my mouth started to play out in my mind. I felt a stir in my
boxers, so I quickly looked away from her, taking a deep breath and
forcing myself to think of other things.

I took the
envelope from her hand and frowned uncomfortably. This was my first
birthday present since my parents had died over eleven years ago
and I didn’t really know how to deal with it. “Baby Girl, you
shouldn’t keep buying me things.”

She didn’t need
to spend money on me; to be honest, the best thing she could give
me, she gave me every day – just a smile, a laugh, and her time.
All I ever wanted was just to be with her. It almost killed me just
to be her friend, but that was what she wanted and needed, so I
tried my hardest every day to make her happy. She was everything
that was good in my world, the most important and precious thing in
my life, and I would always love her, even if she couldn’t feel the
same about me.

“I like to buy
you things. Now, will you just open it before I do?” she cried,
practically bouncing on the bed with excitement.

I laughed and
opened the envelope, pulling out a sheet of paper. It was an
itinerary for tomorrow. I frowned, confused because we didn’t have
any plans for tomorrow. I scanned the details quickly. At eight in
the morning we were to be at the airport, ready to fly to her
parents’ house on the lake. Apparently a helicopter would meet us
at the airport, transfer us to the Lake House, where I would
deliver the jewel. The helicopter would then take me back to the
airport in time for flights to LA.

My mouth was
dry. “What’s this?” I asked, not liking the sound of delivering the
jewel and then leaving without her.

She laughed
happily. “I got you the weekend off and booked you flights to go
home for the weekend so you can spend your birthday with your
friends!” she chirped, her eyes dancing with delight.

No. Fucking.
Way!

“Anna, what?” I
gasped, reading over the paper again. Apparently I was to deliver
her to her parents, then fly to LA. She’d booked a rental car too
for me to pick up at the airport that I would use all weekend. On
Monday morning I had flights to go back to the Lake House to pick
her up again and escort her back to college.

“I’m going home
for the weekend, and you, Dean and Peter get the weekend off. The
only trouble is that you’ll be travelling most of Friday and Monday
because they’re being all pathetic and won’t let me fly on my own,
I’m sorry,” she said, frowning angrily.

She’s
planned for me to spend the whole weekend without her? No way, I’m
not doing that!
“You want to go home and send me off for the
weekend?” I asked, shocked. I was actually a little hurt because
she looked so happy about being away from me for the weekend.
Does she not feel anything for me at all?
I immediately
mentally chastised myself for that thought. I knew she felt
something for me, and that she was doing this for me. Maybe she
didn’t realise that it would almost kill me to be away from her for
that long. I couldn’t do it, not for a whole weekend. I physically
didn’t think I was strong enough to be away from her, not just
because I was desperately in love with her, but because I’d be
worrying about her too damn much. What if something happened to
her? What if that was the day they came for her, and I wasn’t there
to protect her?

She cocked her
head to the side, looking like a curious puppy. “Why are you not
looking happy about this? I thought you’d want to see your friends
for the weekend.” Her face fell, and I immediately felt terrible
because I was obviously hurting her feelings.

I grabbed her
and pulled her down next to me. “Baby Girl, this is really
thoughtful of you, really, no one has ever done anything like this
for me or put themselves out so much for me, and I love it, I do,”
I started, unsure how to word it. I took a deep breath, composing
my thoughts. “But I just can’t do that,” I added, looking at her
intently.

Confusion
crossed her face. “You can,” she insisted. “I’ve arranged
everything; you just need to take me back to my parents first.”

I shook my
head. “Anna, you’re not understanding me. I love the gift, but I
can’t go. I can’t leave you,” I stated, willing her to understand
and not be upset.

She rolled her
eyes. “Pretty Boy, seriously, you worry about me too freaking much.
There are over ten guards at my parents’ house, you know that.
Plus, they have all the security on the house too. There’s nothing
that can hurt me there,” she countered. “I promise I won’t sneak
off without guards,” she said sarcastically. I smiled at her
blatant lie. We both knew she would sneak out to see Jack; there
was no way she’d take a guard there.

I shook my head
in rejection. “I’m sorry that I’m ruining your gift, but I’m not
going,” I said sternly.

“Why?” she
cried, looking hurt and a little annoyed.

“Anna, I don’t
want to be without you for the weekend. You’ve done this so that
I’ll have a nice birthday, am I right?” I asked, waving the
itinerary at her, watching her face. She nodded and pouted,
shooting me the begging face that I had zero resistance to. I
groaned.
Oh shit, not the face! Please don’t use the face on me
because I can’t give in on this!
“Well, I won’t have a nice
birthday without you. I can’t leave you,” I explained, trying not
to sound too much like an obsessive stalker.

A smile played
on the edges of her mouth. She obviously liked what I’d said about
not leaving her, and it made my insides do a flip. “But you’ll get
to see your friends, go out with them and get drunk. You’ll
probably get some birthday sex,” she teased.

I mentally
sighed. It was so hard being in love with this girl when she had no
idea. She was making a casual comment about me getting laid, when
in all honesty, I was pretty sure that I’d never want sex again if
it wasn’t with her. I just didn’t even see other girls anymore,
everyone just looked so plain compared to her and I knew they
always would.

“Anna, I’m not
going. Thank you for the thought, it’s honestly the most special
thing anyone has ever done for me, but I’m not spending my birthday
without you.” That was the end of it. We were staying here and I
would have the best birthday ever, even if I just got to hold her
for a couple of seconds. Her eyes started to fill with tears and I
felt my heart break. “Aww shit. Please don’t cry. I just want to
spend my birthday with you,” I insisted, wiping her tears quickly
and kissing her cheek tenderly. She was fighting for control; I
knew she didn’t like to cry.

“I just wanted
to give you a nice birthday,” she explained, her voice
breaking.

“It’ll be the
best birthday I’ve ever had, as long as I’m with you,” I promised.
Nothing would ever top that; just waking up next to her on my
birthday would make it the best ever.

She smiled
weakly. “You’re just too damn sweet, Pretty Boy,” she whispered,
making my heart beat faster and my hands itch to touch her soft
skin, to hold her and caress her, and to finally be able to tell
her that I loved her.

“You know they
say that it’s the thought that counts? Well that’s true, and this
thought blows my mind, so thank you.” I smiled, pressing my body
against her side lightly, feeling her warmth seep into my skin and
my legs brush against hers. Goosebumps broke out all over my body
at the small contact of her skin on mine. I lay down next to her
and sighed contentedly.

“Please think
about it,” she begged, taking my hand and interlacing our
fingers.

I shook my
head. “I can’t. I don’t even want to think about a weekend away
from you, I’d miss you too damn much. I’d be pining for you the
whole time, which would suck big time.”

“But you’d get
to see Nate,” she countered, obviously still trying to persuade
me.

“Anna, the only
way I’m going to LA is if you come with me,” I rebutted.
Wait,
that’s a great idea! I can take her with me to LA and introduce her
to my friends, show her around where I live and the places that
we’ve talked about!
Excitement started to build in my chest at
the thought of it. “Come with me,” I suggested, pushing myself up
so I could look at her face. She laughed, obviously thinking I was
joking. I raised one eyebrow, waiting for my offer to sink in.