Now and Then (10 page)

God damn it.

He’d been halfway out the door when Brynn called, the too quiet quality of her voice putting him on alert even before she’d dropped the four most loaded words in history.

“We need to talk.”

Every muscle in his body had gone tense. He’d swallowed. Forced himself to take a breath. “What’s going on?”

“Some things have come up and—I don’t—we’re not—” She’d broke off and then said, “Look, neither of us expected this to last, right?”

He’d already been out the door. “Wrong.”

Now he was standing in front of Brynn’s apartment, his arm braced against the frame as he glared at his shoes and told himself to get his shit together.

She couldn’t be doing this.

Two barely controlled breaths later, he was as good as he was going to get. He knocked. The seconds ticked past, and when the door opened and he saw her eyes rimmed with red he wanted to put a fist through the wall.

“Before you say a word, I need to know one thing.”

Confusion pinched her brows. “What?”

“This.” He reached for her. Her lips parted on a sharp intake of breath as he caught her by the back of the neck and pulled her hard against him. Taking her mouth, he slid past her lips with his tongue, tasting the sweetness of her as she opened wider to him. As she moaned around one thrust and melted into the next. Her hands balled in his shirt, clinging tight as she devoured him the way he was devouring her. More.

Breaking away with a growl, he met those gorgeous Irish eyes. “That’s what I thought. You don’t kiss me like a woman who wants to say goodbye, so what the hell is going on, Brynn?”

A single tear tracked down her cheek, ripping a hole in his heart with each new bit of creamy skin it covered. She darted a look past him toward the empty stairwell, and then wiped her cheek. Drawing him into her apartment, Brynn closed the door, locked it, and checked the peephole.

“I didn’t say it’s what I
wanted,
” she began, walking over to the window, where she stood, holding her hands at her heart. Then, casting a look that he could only describe as longing, she gave him the saddest smile he’d ever seen. “If things were different, I think I might never let you go.”

Baffled, he crossed to her, but she was urging him back to the couch, casting another quick look toward the street below before asking him to sit. Somewhere in the recesses of his mind, he wondered if she was trying to keep him away from the window. If there was someone out there.

Only that was nuts.

But so was the rest of this. Christ, she’d practically been purring in his ear when he talked to her after the game the night before.

“Brynn, you aren’t making sense. I’m losing it here, and I need you to talk to me. So just tell me what’s going on, because whatever it is, we’ll deal with it.”

Another tear tracked down her cheek as she looked at him with apology-filled eyes. “I knew better than to get involved with you. I shouldn’t have thought I’d be able—”

“What, is this about things getting too serious? Brynn, I don’t know what you’re afraid of, but serious is good. You and me, we’re
good.
”

“It’s not about us being serious.” She drew a hiccup of a breath, then shook her head. “Joe, the producer I told you about who’s moving to Boston—I’m accepting his offer to go along.”

The floor rocked beneath him and he tensed against the upheaval. “No.”

“I think it’s important for us to put some distance between us.”

She was telling him about a job, but the shadows in her eyes promised that wasn’t what this was about.

“Ford, there are things I haven’t told you. Reasons why I’ve been as resistant about us as I have.” Her shoulders straightened and she drew a slow breath. “I wasn’t honest with you when things ended with us before.”

Before? He pulled back, frustrated and confused. What did that have to do with anything? “We were kids. What happened ten years ago is ancient history, Brynn. All I care about is what’s happening now.
Today.
The past doesn’t matter.”

The look on her face was breaking his heart.

“It does. Because it’s all tied together. Then. Now.
It’s all the same.
”

The world ground to a halt around him as her words hit him square in the chest, followed by the gut-wrenching echoes of that last call.

“There’s someone else.”

No.
No way.
She hadn’t
.

There wasn’t anyone else. There couldn’t be. He knew it.

Only the steady way she was meeting his eyes said she was telling him something it pained her to admit.

But still, he couldn’t believe it. Hell, he hadn’t been able to believe it ten years ago. Okay, she traveled extensively for work and people got lonely on the road. They sought out connections and contact, but,
fuck
—

Maybe this was the solid sock to the jaw he needed to wake up and put Brynn behind him. Turn off the feelings he didn’t seem to have any control over when she walked through his life. Maybe this time it wouldn’t take him a fucking year to get over her.

Except one look into those soft, earthy eyes and he realized no matter what she told him, nothing was going to make this better. He
loved
her.

When he saw her that first night, when they laughed together and talked like they used to, and then when he got that taste of her mouth. Of her soft sighs and needy pleas—he should have known then. He was done.

He’d never stopped.

“I lied to you, Ford,” she began quietly.

“I know that. You told me ten years ago.”

“No.” She shook her head and muttered a gold-standard obscenity, then swapped it out for its wholesome cousin.

That conflicted mouth of hers. He wanted to roar at the thought of another man having a taste of it. He couldn’t listen to this. He couldn’t handle hearing the details of another man touching her. And yet, somehow, he remained locked in his seat.

“I lied when I told you there was someone else.”

He coughed in shock. Felt the walls pulse around him as Brynn quietly continued.

“I shouldn’t have done it, but I was a coward. I was embarrassed about the truth, and at the time I thought it would be easier for both of us if I came up with something else.”

Ford’s ears had started to ring, but by sheer force of will, somehow he managed to hang on to the words spilling from Brynn’s mouth. She wouldn’t look him in the eyes now, instead staring at the floor between them.

He didn’t know what to think, what the hell kind of game she was playing.

Only then that thick fan of russet lashes lifted, and those eyes. The heartbreak and pain in them. The hopelessness. And most of all, the
truth.

Now it was his hands on her arms, his head ducking down to catch her gaze. “What are you talking about, Brynn?”

“I loved you, Ford.”

Those words.
Christ,
hearing them again.

They cut at his soul.

“I was planning to come back after break. Everything I told you was the truth—almost everything.” She shook her head, then closed her eyes. “Everything about us and how I felt about you. Up until that last phone call, all of what I told you was true.”

“Jesus, Brynn, I don’t understand.” None of it made sense. “What happened between the day you left and that phone call?”

It had been ten years. Ten years and still she found the words hard to say. The shame and humiliation burned as hot and fresh as they had that first day.

“I wasn’t honest with you about my family when we first met. You told me about yours and they sounded so perfect. Like everything I wished mine could be. And then when you asked me about my parents, and joked about how you imagined they would be—the doting dad and mother everyone wished was theirs…” She swallowed hard and met his eyes. “I know it was stupid. I know it was immature and when I look back it doesn’t make any sense, but there is a part of me that wanted to live in that kind of fantasy. Pretend I had a perfect family like yours…and so I did.”

Ford shook his head, the frustration evident on his face. “You’re embarrassed because your family wasn’t perfect? You were afraid I’d find out and that’s why you didn’t come back?”

“No. God, no. I mean, yes, I was embarrassed, but there was more to it. My father doesn’t own a hardware store. The longest job he’s held could probably be counted in weeks rather than years. He’s a criminal. A compulsive gambler, a con artist, and the most manipulative, untrustworthy man I’ve ever met. He’s also the most charismatic and charming, which is what makes him dangerous.”

She could see Ford still didn’t understand, but at least he was listening.

“I’m sorry, Brynn. That must have been difficult to grow up with.”

The memory of the grocery store parking lot where she’d been waiting in the car for her father to come back out with the ice cream blinded her a moment. The minutes ticking past. One squad car with flashing lights skidding to a stop by the front entrance and then another.

Her dad walking out with his hands behind his back and an officer pushing him into the back of the cruiser.

“It was.” She cleared her throat, determined to go on. “Money was an ongoing issue for us. Not just because my father couldn’t hold a job, but because he was constantly trying to score or scam his next quick buck to gamble away. And if he couldn’t, then he’d borrow. But there was only one kind of person willing to lend a guy like my dad cash. And that was the kind of guy you paid back with interest or risked him taking something a hell of a lot more valuable than money.”

“Jesus.” The muscles of Ford’s throat worked up and down, as aggression radiated off him in waves. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because with you, everything was new. You didn’t know my past. You didn’t look at me with pity in your eyes. And as naïve as it might have been, for those first months I was at school, I actually believed I’d left it all behind. I thought I had a fresh start.” Pushing up from the sofa, she walked back to the window, checked the street again.

There was a chance her father didn’t know where she lived. That Timothy didn’t, either. But that chance was slim. All she could hope was that even if they did know, they didn’t know about Ford. He could have been going into any of the apartments in the building.

“School. That’s not cheap,” Ford stated, his sharp mind beginning to work through the pieces of what she’d told him. “How were you paying for it?”

“Not with anything illegal, if that’s what you’re asking.” She wouldn’t blame him if it was. “My grandfather saw what my dad was doing to my mom—to our family. And somewhere along the line, he started saving money for college. He thought an education was the only thing he could give us that my father couldn’t take away. That once we had it, it was ours forever. That’s what my grandfather had hoped would happen anyway. He kept the savings secret until it was time for the college applications to start going out, and then he told me what he’d done. Mickey hadn’t been interested in school and so, with a few student loans, there was nearly enough for my tuition for four years. The only problem was, he hadn’t anticipated how resourceful Danny Ahearne could be once he knew the money was there. The lengths he’d go to or the lines he’d cross.”

“What happened?” Ford asked, his voice low, pained.

“I thought I was set. My grandfather had never bent to my father. Not when he asked, begged, or threatened. And I don’t know, I guess I just believed he was outside of Danny’s reach. I should’ve known better.” But she hadn’t, and there had been times when she’d wondered if that had been a blessing or a curse. Eventually she came to accept it as both. “So I went to school and when we met, I believed my life was finally my own. That you and I had a chance. I let myself fall in love with you, Ford. And when I went home for break, all I was thinking about was how soon I’d be able to get back.”

“Only that’s not what happened.”

Her parents had been sitting at the kitchen table waiting for her. Her father’s head hung low, his eyes filled with the kind of apology she’d seen a thousand times before. But she hadn’t believed it. She kept telling herself there was no way. That Danny couldn’t have done it again. That her grandfather was stronger. Smarter.

But every man had his weakness. Even her grandfather.

“Danny had gotten into trouble again. Deeper than before. And when the guys looking for payback threatened my mom—well, I’m glad my grandfather paid. I couldn’t have lived with something happening to her when the resources were there to stop it.”

“You could have told me.” Ford was at her back again, standing so close and yet not touching her. “You could’ve trusted me.”

She nodded. Even then she’d known Ford would forgive her for lying to him. That he wouldn’t judge her for her father’s sins. But there’d been more to it than that.

“I was humiliated, Ford. So embarrassed, and not just because of Danny’s actions. I should have known better. I should have prepared myself for the inevitable. I should have stopped to think for two seconds and I would have realized the only reason my father hadn’t gotten that money is because he didn’t know about it. That the second he realized there was someone capable of bailing him out, the bets and loans and consequences were only going to get bigger. That’s how my father works. And I should have known about it.”

“I get that you were embarrassed. What you’d been living with—no one should have to deal with that. But Christ, Brynn, was that worth more than everything we had?”

She let out a short, humorless laugh. Never. But
he
was.

She turned to him. Touched his face where the muscle in his jaw was bunched tight.

“What we had, Ford, was over the minute my dad got his hands on that money. There was no going back to school for me. That fantasy about what my life would be like, and the kind of potential I had, was over.”

“Again, what about us?” he bit out through clenched teeth. “I’m sorry about your education. Christ, you know I am. But it didn’t have to change you and me. We could have been together. All this time, Brynn. You and I could have been together.”

She shook her head, tears welling in her eyes. “How would that have worked, Ford?” she asked as gently as she could, trying to make him see. To understand. “I had to move back to Milwaukee. I had to get a job, and you—”

“I wanted to marry you!”

For a second all she could do was stare. Try to swallow past the heartbreak pushing past her chest, rising in her throat, too big to contain.

“Ford,” she whispered. But then he had hold of her arms again and was backing her to the wall.

“Did you hear me? I know we were young, but I wanted to
marry
you. It wouldn’t have mattered whether you needed to stay in Milwaukee for six months or a year or two years. It’s an hour-and-a-half drive, and I would’ve done it every single weekend if it meant being with you. Damn it, Brynn, I would’ve done it every day.
I loved you.
”

“And I loved you, Ford. Which is why I couldn’t let that happen. When you called me at home, Danny heard us talking. And do you know what the first thing he asked after we hung up was?”

Ford’s brows were pulled so far forward his eyes looked like black coals behind them.

“What?”

“What your family did. He wanted to know your last name. What kind of degree you were going for. What town you were from.” From anyone else’s father those questions wouldn’t be the glaring red flags they were with hers. But she knew. “He was trying to figure out what you were worth. What kind of resources there might be behind you. What was within your family’s reach to get.”

The shock was there in his eyes. The compassion and the hurt. “Still, if we’d known—”

“No. It doesn’t matter if you know his game. It doesn’t matter if you’ve steeled yourself against his bullshit. There’s always a weak spot. And he always finds it.” She let out a shaky breath. “It’s why I told you not to come up. Why I was willing to tell you whatever it took to make sure you’d move on and forget about me. I couldn’t let him meet you and find out you weren’t up to your ears in student loans, or the last name I’d given him wasn’t yours. I couldn’t let him do to you or your family what he’d been doing to mine since before I was born. You deserved better, and I loved you enough to make sure you got it.”

Ford shoved away from her, stalking across the room and back. “God damn it, Brynn. You shouldn’t— We could have—”

His thick fingers shoved through his hair as he glared at her. The ceiling. The floor. And just when she was sure he was going to walk away again, he swore—and catching her by the wrist, tugged her into a crushing kiss.