Of Love & Regret (30 page)

I froze at her
words. I never thought Logan would have told her about Cassie. He obviously
hadn’t told her what had happened between us back then, but just the fact that
he had shared even a little bit about Cassie made me wonder what else he had
told Kristina.

I felt numb by her
accusation, and Kristina took my silence as an admission of guilt.

“You did, didn’t
you?” she exclaimed, her eyes taking on a predatory glint. She had stumbled
onto the truth and, sensing that it was a weak spot, was going in for the kill.
“You’re disgusting. It’s one thing to do this to a stranger, but to betray your
best friend? Logan told me you and she were like sisters, yet you were fucking her
boyfriend. She probably died of a broken heart. You might as well have just
killed her.”

I gripped the back
of the chair next to me so that I wouldn’t crumple into a heap on the floor.
Her words were like arrows to the heart, but I didn’t want her to realize how
much they affected me.

“I said, get out,”
I said in a shaky voice. I couldn’t take anymore. I felt like I was going to
explode, and my next words came out in a scream. “Get out, now!”

Instead of
leaving, Kristina rushed over to me. I flinched, expecting to feel a blow, but
instead, she grabbed my hand, her grip desperate. Her eyes were full of panic
and desperation.

“You can make up
for what you did to your best friend by leaving Logan alone,” she pleaded. Her
anger had disappeared, leaving only stark anguish. “Don’t take him away from
me. I need him. I
love
him! I know he
loves me, too. He’s just confused right now. I left my entire life in L.A. to
be here with him. We talked about getting married and having a family together.
Don’t destroy another person’s life with your selfishness. It’s what’s best for
Logan, too. I can make him happy, I
know
it!”

Her words battered
into me. How could Logan have spoken about marriage and children with someone
else if he claimed to be so in love with me? What could I say to this woman who
was begging me to leave Logan alone? Why did my happiness have to mean someone
else’s misery? I was confused and heartbroken, and I wanted to cry and scream.
But above all, I just wanted to be left alone.

“Please leave,” I
whispered, feeling broken. “I have nothing else to say.”

Kristina snarled,
and her eyes glowed with rage. She dropped my hand in disgust. “Don’t think I’m
just going to lay down and die, bitch. I’m going to fight for Logan, and you’re
going to lose. I’ll make sure of it.”

She stalked out of
my apartment, slamming the door violently behind her. I was relieved that she
was finally gone, but now I was left with the tatters of my heart. Where the
hell was Logan?

I went into the
bedroom to retrieve my cell phone, and saw that I had multiple texts and missed
calls from him. I had slept with my phone, and it had become entangled in the
covers, which muted the sounds that should have alerted me to his attempts to
contact me. I scrolled numbly through his texts.

I had to stop into the office today for an
emergency. I’ll come over afterwards. How are you doing?

I just called but you didn’t pick up your
phone. Call me when you get this.

Maddie, where the hell are you?

He had called
multiple times, but left only two voicemails. They were along the same vein as
his texts, demanding to know where I was and why I wasn’t picking up my phone.
I pressed the button to call him back and he answered before the first ring
even finished.

“I’ve been trying
to get a hold of you for hours,” he said impatiently. “I was getting worried,
but I had some things I had to take care of at work. I’m on my way to your
apartment right now.”

“Kristina stopped
by,” I said, trying to keep the accusatory tone out of my voice but it was
hard. “It got pretty ugly.”

“Shit.” Logan
sighed, his voice gentling. “I’m sorry, Maddie. She took the breakup pretty
badly. I’ll be there in about fifteen minutes and we can talk about it.”

“Fine,” I said and
then hung up. I knew it was abrupt, but I was angry, even though I wasn’t sure
I had a right to be.

I took a quick
shower, and by the time I was done and had changed into jeans and a t-shirt,
the buzzer for the building entrance sounded. I pressed the button to let Logan
in, and he walked up the flights of stairs to my apartment in record time.

He dropped a quick
kiss on my mouth when I opened my door, like nothing was wrong. “I’m sorry I
couldn’t come over earlier. I hate going into the office on a Sunday, but there
were some pressing matters I had to take care of.”

I didn’t respond.
I just turned around and walked to the living room, sitting down on the couch.
Logan sighed as he joined me, trying to cradle me in his arms. I didn’t pull
away, but I held myself stiffly.

“I didn’t think
Kristina would come over here to confront you,” he said apologetically. “You
shouldn’t have to deal with her. That’s my responsibility. What happened?”

“She basically
told me I was a horrible person,” I said, staring at my hands on my lap. “There
wasn’t really much I could say to defend myself. How does she even know where I
live?”

Logan grasped my
chin gently and tilted my head up so I had to look at him. “I’m sure it wasn’t
hard for her to figure out. She probably found your contact info on my
computer.” He sighed deeply. “I know we went about this the wrong way. I should
have ended things with her before coming back to you, but we can’t change how
it happened. I’m sorry for hurting her, but I can’t regret anything that
brought us back together again.”

I wanted to just
accept his words and melt into him, but I couldn’t forget the things Kristina
had said.

“What did you tell
her about Cassie?”

Logan frowned, his
eyebrows furrowing. “Did she bring her up?” He continued talking when I nodded.
“She asked how you and I met in college, and I told her that you were best
friends with my college girlfriend.” He grimaced. “I thought it best to tell
the truth with the least amount of detail. I never told her about what happened
between us. As far as she knows, we were only friends in college.”

“Did you tell her
that Cassie killed herself?” I asked quietly.

Logan shook his
head. “No. I told Kristina she died, but I never told her how. I said it was
painful to remember, and I didn’t like talking about it. She accepted my
explanation and never brought it up again.” His frown deepened. “What exactly
did she say about Cassie?”

“She guessed at
the truth. That we betrayed her.” I couldn’t repeat the things she had said
about Cassie dying of a broken heart. That I was responsible for killing her.
Saying those words out loud would shatter me.

“It’s in the past,
Maddie. We have to let it stay there or it’ll eat away at our chance at happiness
today.”

“That’s not all
Kristina said. She said you told her you loved her. That you wanted to marry
her and have children with her.”

I could see the guilt
written across Logan’s face and it killed me. How could he have said those
things to her, to have promised her a future with him, if he truly loved me?

“I did tell her
that I loved her. It was almost reflexive on my part. My answer to her when she
told me she loved me.” Logan sighed heavily as he rubbed his forehead tiredly.
“Deep down, I knew I was just playing a part. I thought if I told Kristina I
loved her, it would become a reality. And I guess I did love her in a way. I
was pretty much a mess when I first moved to L.A. Losing you, even though I had
been the one to push you away in the end, was hard on me, and she helped me
through it, though she didn’t realize it at the time. I was grateful to her for
that, and I mixed that up with love.”

His words didn’t
reassure me. Instead, they made me even more anxious. Kristina wasn’t some
fly-by-night whom he had a fling with. She was someone he had true feelings
for, despite his rationalization that it wasn’t real love. She had been there
for him when he had needed someone, and apparently that meant something to him.

“What about
marriage and kids?” I felt like a masochistic asking him but I needed answers.

“She was the one
that talked about eventually getting married and having children. I admit that
I never rejected the idea or actively discouraged her from talking about it. I
took the easy way out and went the path of least resistance. I’m not proud of
it.” He gripped my hand, as if he was trying to make me believe him by sheer
will. “But I swear that I never would have gone through with it. I couldn’t
have because there was always a part of me that knew I would get you back, no
matter what. I regretted pushing you away a year ago, right after it happened.
I even called you the next day from a blocked number, but I was too proud to
say anything when you answered so I just hung up. I kept telling myself that
eventually I would reach out to you again, but I was afraid you would reject
me.”

I remembered that
phone call. If only he had said something, if only he had given me that chance,
we wouldn’t have to be dealing with all of this now. I wouldn’t have to feel
like I had to compete for Logan.

“You’re saying all
the right things, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have real feelings for
Kristina. How do you know you’re not going to regret choosing me? What if a
year from now, you realize you’ve made a mistake and you want to be with her
instead? I couldn’t handle that.”

Logan gripped my
shoulders, his expression intense. “I’m saying this all wrong if you believe
that’s even possible. Yes, I care about Kristina, but I don’t love her. I’ve
spent almost a decade waiting for my chance with you. I love you, Maddie.
Nothing and no one will ever change that. The thought of living without you is
enough to make me go crazy. I’d do anything to keep you.” His tone became
frantic, his grip tightening. “Don’t let Kristina come in between us. This time
I won’t let you go, no matter what.”

“I’m not saying that
I don’t want to be with you,” I said softly. I raised my hand and gently ran it
across his jaw, trying to soothe him. I wouldn’t be stupid enough to push Logan
away again. I didn’t think I would survive it this time. “I love you, Logan.
Nothing will change that. It was just hard for me to hear the things Kristina said.
It’s hard for me to hear that you care about another woman. But it’s nothing I
can’t work through.”

The tension on
Logan’s face relaxed and he pulled me towards him, kissing me hungrily. Even
though I had reassured him that everything would be okay between us, there was
a niggling doubt in the back of my mind. We had overcome so many obstacles that
I just wanted to have blind faith that this time it would be different, that
this time we could be happy together. But a part of me held back from fully
committing to Logan. I was scared of being hurt and, irrational as it was, I
was scared that some cosmic force of the universe wouldn’t allow me to be happy
because of the sins I had committed.

I tried to blot
these dismal thoughts from my mind as I returned Logan’s kiss. It was an
effective way to forget about everything except how he made me feel.

“It’ll be okay, I
promise,” he murmured against my mouth, as if he could read my thoughts.
“Nothing will get in the way of us being together again.”

I told myself I
believed him and wrapped my arms around his neck, wanting to feel as close to
him as possible. Desire was making my worries recede into the background and I
welcomed the reprieve.

“Fuck me, Logan,”
I whispered, wanting to feel the wild abandon I had experienced with him
yesterday. “I need you inside me.”

Lust flared in his
eyes, and he kissed me fiercely as he grabbed my hips and lifted me as he stood
in one fluid motion. I wrapped my legs around his waist as I slanted my mouth
against his, our tongues tangling together. He carried me to the bedroom and
broke the kiss, throwing me on top of the bed as if I weighed nothing. I felt a
thrill of anticipation, loving the feeling of being powerless next to his
strength. His eyes burned into me as he took off his shirt and threw it to the
floor. The rest of his clothes soon followed until he was completely naked. My
desire grew as my gaze ran down his hard body, settling on the jutting ridge of
his shaft which was already intimidatingly erect.

“Take off your
clothes,” he ordered as he stood at the foot of the bed. “Slowly.”

I sat up and
gripped the edge of my shirt, pulling it over my head. My breasts were already
swollen and pressing against my bra, straining to be released. I let the straps
fall down teasingly so the tops of my breasts were bared, pushing my arms
together to emphasize their fullness. I reached behind me to unclasp my bra and
let it fall forward, baring myself to Logan’s hungry eyes. His breathing became
shallow as I ran my hands across my already-hard nipples. I moaned at the
sensation, the simple caress feeling deeply erotic because Logan was watching
me.

I undid my jeans
and pulled them down until I was completely naked except for my panties. Before
I could take them off, Logan had moved onto the bed, settling himself between
my legs as he supported himself over me. I could feel the ridge of his shaft
nestled between my cleft and I couldn’t help rubbing myself against him, the
friction from my panties only intensifying the sensation.

He caught one taut
nipple in his mouth, teasing it with his tongue. I arched my back, the
sensation so exquisite that I wanted more.

“Harder,” I
whispered, not caring how wanton I was being. Logan obliged and suckled harder
on my nipple, scraping his teeth against the sensitive nub. I cried out at the
mixture of pleasure and pain that rippled through my body. My nipple was raw
and aching when he released it, but I was flooded with more pleasure when he latched
onto my other nipple, showing it the same attention.