Older and Wilder: A Steamy Gay MM Romance (7 page)

              Derek released Jesse from his hug, sighed and then turned his focus back on the pan before he spoke, fiddling with the knobs and adjusting the heat.  “We got married the Saturday after high school graduation.  She knew I was headed out with the rodeo and, at the time, it didn’t seem gentlemanly to have his come with me without marrying his.  That was my first mistake.”

              “Marrying her or having her come with you?”

              “Both.  If the only reason you can find to do something is ‘it’s the right thing to do’ then it’s probably wrong thing to do.  Anyway, she hated the road.  The travel, the people, the animals, the day to day uncertainty.  Hated every bit of it.  We’d been out on the road six months, and I was doing decent but not great.  Money was tight most of the time.  We swung by her parents’ place for a visit and it when got to be time to leave and she said she wasn’t going.  She said she'd  tried it my way and I needed to try it hers, so I gave it a go.  We got a little apartment in town and I got a job at the feed store.  We were still broke, but now I was the one who was miserable.  Next time there was a rodeo in town she told me to go and not come back.  I went.”

              Derek sighed before he continued.  “No matter what she says, other people didn't come into it until later.  I sent her the divorce papers a couple months after I left.  Judging by the way she screamed at me on the phone I guess she expected me to come crawling back, but we wanted different lives.  We couldn’t both be happy and I wasn’t willing to have one of us miserable for the next sixty years.”

              “But now you’re done with the rodeo.”

              “I'm done with the travel and getting thrown, but I still like horses and people.  I think the ranch is going to work for me.”  He flipped the pancakes over one by one with a slight smile and then turned to Jesse as they crisped on the other side.  “What about you?  What do you need to be happy?”

              It was the crux of his problem.  He wanted a place to call home with people he loved, but his parents liked a very quiet life and his brother was in the Army.  He spent more time on assignments away from the barracks on Fort Hood than in them.   New York hadn't worked out for him.  There was nowhere he belonged. “I don’t know,” he said. 

              “Yeah, you do,” he said.  “You said New York was too busy for you and the people were cold.  You’ve complained since you could talk that the days out here are all the same and nothing new ever happens.  You need to be somewhere with some people but not a ton of them and where things change a little all the time but life’s not rushing past you.”

              Jesse took a sip of his water and weighed Derek's words.  He wasn’t wrong.  Jesse gave him a humorless smile.  “I guess I’ll get a little apartment in town and a job at the feed store.”

              Derek's voice was low and serious as he said, “If that’s what you want.”  He turned his attention to the pan, slowly slipping the spatula under each cake, sliding them onto a cookie sheet and then putting that in the oven to stay warm while he dropped the next round into the pan.  He gave the pot of beans a stir and said, “Dinner will be ready in about ten minutes.  Why don’t you go set the table?”

              “OK, Dad,” Jesse snapped, regretting the words as soon as they were out of his mouth.  It was supposed to be sarcasm, a little jab at him for assigning his chores, but the words landed like a bomb, reminding them both how they'd first come into each other's lives and one of the many reasons they shouldn't be together.

              “Maybe I should leave after dinner,” Derek said.

              Jesse' heart hammered in his chest.  He’d known this was coming.  He’d just been a lay to Derek and now that he’d stopped being fun, Derek was done.  “Maybe you should.”

***

              Jesse barely made it through the meal, choking down each bite through a throat that felt dry and swollen so it could land with a sick, heavy thud in his gut.  After dinner, Derek went up to his room to pack, so Jesse was left with nowhere to retreat but the barn.  He barely made it past the door before the tears started falling. Jesse took slow, deep breaths and willed his pulse to return to normal.  He’d known it would turn out this way, ugly and over.  Derek would go off to his glamorous life like he always did and Jesse would stay here, weed tomatoes, and wait for an opening at a job in town that might not ever even come.  Derek had never promised him anything, and it was his own fault he'd let his heart get involved.  Jesse knew who he was, knew that he never stayed and hadn't committed to a relationship in over twenty years.  This day had been inevitable.

              Jesse would go out and see him off and then it would be over.  It had just been a dalliance, a way to pass time.  It was all just sex.  He’d lived out a fantasy but it was time to wake up.

              “Jess?”

              He turned to find his mother silhouetted in the doorway. “Honey, why’s Derek leaving early?”

              Jesse countered, “Why does Derek do anything?”

              “He’s always chased down what he wants.  He’s a little crazy, but he loves hard.  He’s always taken good care of you.”

              Jesse swiped at his tears with the back of his hand.  “I don’t think Dad sees it that way.”

              “What do you think Dad sees?”

              “We never should have gone near each other.  He's Dad's friend, not mine.  The whole thing was just wrong from the start.”

              “You could see it that way,” his mother hedged.  “Or maybe Derek loved you too much not to take a shot and figured he’d deal with the fallout later.”

              “It’s not like that, Mom.”

              “Maybe not for you, but find your manners and come out and say goodbye.”

              “Mom,” he protested.

              “If you’re going to have lovers then you’re going to have ex-lovers.  You need to learn to deal with that or you’ll just end up bitter and shouting ugliness at the world like Kayla.  I don’t want that for you.”

              “But you want his ex-husband for me?”

              “He added a thousand miles to his trip to home just so he could swing by here and say hi, risked his relationship with the closest thing to living family he’s got just for a shot at something with you, and when you told him to go he started packing.  One day you might find a man you love more, but I don’t know that you’ll find another one who loves you like he does.”

              “You’ve got it all wrong, Mom.”

              “Young man, I’m done with this argument.  Come say goodbye.  He’ll be gone soon.”

***

Jesse dug the toe of his shoe into the dirt of the driveway and tried not to watch as Derek loaded his bag into the back of his truck.  He hadn’t thought through what it would be like when Derek left.  That it would be awkward and he'd be fighting back tears hadn't occurred to him when soft lips and rough stubble played over his skin, but now, forced to face the moment, he was a messy riot of emotion.  Whatever it was that he couldn’t find the words for would have to remain unsaid. Derek would be gone in the next few minutes and Jesse could start getting over him.  It was going to take a while. No need to add to his misery by putting on a show.

              Derek slammed the tailgate and turned to face the assembled group.  Rebecca stepped up first, drawing him into a hug and giving him a firm pat on the back before she released  him.  “Drive safely,” she ordered.  “Keep it under ninety, even out in the empty parts.”

              “I promise.”

              He extended a hand to Mike. Mike shrugged but took it, and Derek pulled him into a rough hug. “Good luck with the baby. Really. Congratulations. That kid’s lucky. Coming into a great family.”

              Mike gave him a pat on the back and then stepped away quickly to stand beside his wife and cast a protective glance at his son. 

              Derek approached Jesse cautiously, leaving some space between them but standing close enough to keep their conversation private as long as they spoke softly.

              “It’s been a good few days,” Derek said.  “But my future’s not in a small town Texas.  I’ve already tried this.”

              “Drive safely,” Jesse answered.  It was a ridiculous thing to say, but there were no words for what he was feeling.  He’d let his heart get drug into this situation.  They were just old friends who’d been lovers for a few days.  It had all been hot, frantic and needy, the end always visible even as the moments slipped past.  If Derek had any soft thoughts about him, he hadn’t shown it.  He'd never said “I love you.” 

              Derek stepped closer and drew Jesse into a hug, his arms tight and hard against him, squeezing as if he knew this was the last time he’d get to hold him.  The words were barely a whisper as he spoke them.  “Last chance, Jess.  Come with me.”

              “Stop teasing.” he said aloud, and silently he ordered himself not to cry.

              “I’m not teasing.  Be brave.  Take a shot.”

              “You’re serious?”  Jesse pulled back enough to look up at Derek, scanning his face for insincerity, and found only concern and hope.

              “Yeah, I’m serious.  I'm not ready for this to be over.  Come with me.”

              Barely comprehensible thoughts spun through Jesse's mind with the unfocused destructive energy of a tornado until one found its way free.  “Mom will need help with the baby.”

              “Your mom has had kids before.  She knows how to do this, and she’s got Mike. You don’t have to plan around them.  What do you want, Jess?”

              “I can’t be that far from my family.”

              “I’ll be your family.”

              It hurt to say the words, but better to face the truth now than to let himself keep pretending this was something it wasn’t.  “You just like having sex with me,” he said. 

              “Wrong.  I love you and I love fucking you.”

              The shock of Derek's language broke through the storm of his thoughts, and Jesse glanced at his parents to see if they’d heard what he'd said, then smacked his arm and scolded, “Derek!”  The rest of Derek's words settled in.  “You love me?”

              “Yeah.  And I thought you felt the same.”

              “I do.”  His heart pounded as he said the words he'd fought not to admit to himself. Of course he loved Derek, had for years, but the idea that he might be able to do something with that love had seemed so outrageous that he'd been blind to what had been going on the last several days.

              “It’s all on you, Jess. No more messing around.  Go or stay?”

              Jesse closed his eyes and tried to picture what he wanted without the distraction of Derek's full lips peeking out at his from the scruff of his beard, but his mind was full of images from the last few days.  The wrinkles around Derek's eyes as he smiled at him. The tan lines and scars Jesse had traced over Derek's skin that formed a map of his life. The way he talked to him when he cooked, relishing good food and conversation.  The grip he kept on him when they were in bed together, as if he was afraid he might slip away if he didn’t hold on tightly enough. 

              “Stay the night,” Jesse said, “We’ll go together in the morning.”

              “You sure that’s what you want?”

              “Yes, Derek, I’m sure you’re what I want.”

# # #

Other books by B.J. Totts

The Professor and the Soldier: Book One

When a man who knows what he wants meets one who longs to be wanted they may both get more than they bargained for.
Desmond, a retired Marine who now teaches business, is still reeling from his divorce. He's never tried internet dating, but a cup of coffee with a younger man sounds a lot more appealing than staring at the blank walls of his empty home.
Miguel, a soldier on a weekend pass, is just trying to get all his needs met as quickly as he can. Dating sites might be a little sleazy, but they're an efficient way for a man on a mission to get his business handled.
Coffee isn't the only thing getting served hot tonight.

The Professor and the Soldier:
Second Date

Desmond's first date since his divorce had ended in bed. He'd enjoyed it, but a warm body isn't enough to fully satisfy him, not even a body as amazing as Miguel's. Desmond wants a boyfriend even if he isn't quite ready for one.
He knows that dating Miguel, twenty-two, an active duty soldier, and one of his students, is beyond foolish, but not doing it seems like it would be an even bigger mistake.
What happens when an impulsive encounter with the wrong man leads to a second date?
This short story is a follow up to "The Professor and The Soldier" but can be read as a stand alone.

Falling in Bed

Eighteen year old Cade doesn't remember passing out at the housewarming party, but the room had been full of straight firemen. With that much eye candy and no chance of finally finding a man to kiss, alcohol had seemed like the obvious solution.
In the dark Cade finally feels the another man's hands where only his own have been before, but the harsh light of morning reveals that his lover is the last man he would have expected, and Cade will have to maneuver quickly to keep his world from crashing down around him.
How could something that felt so right have turned out to be so wrong, and, more importantly, is there any way he can justify making the same mistake again?