On a Beam of Light (16 page)

I took a chance. “Is there anything you want to tell me about the time your father was in the hospital?”

His gaze dropped to the floor. “Yes. “

I was elated. Thanks to prot, Robert had made such excellent progress that hypnosis might not be necessary.

“You went to live with your Uncle Dave and Aunt Catherine, is that right?”

“Yes, ” he murmured.

“Are they on your father’s or mother’s side of the family?”

Rob slowly looked up. “Uncle Dave was Mom’s brother. “

“And Aunt Catherine was his wife?”

“No. His sister. Mom’s sister. “

“And they lived together?”

“Neither of them ever married. “

“All right. Can you tell me a little about them?”

“They were both big. Heavyset. My mother’s a little plump, too. “

“What else? What were they like?”

“They were not very nice people. “

“In what way?”

“They were mean. Cruel. But nobody knew that when I went to live with them. “

“What sorts of mean things did they do?”

“Uncle Dave killed my kitten. ” He unconsciously picked up the cat and hugged it.

“He did? Why?”

“He wanted to teach me a lesson. “

“What lesson?”

Robert turned noticeably paler. His face became contorted by uncontrollable tics. “I… I don’t remember. “

“Try, Rob. I think you’re ready to talk about this now. What did your uncle do to you? Will you tell me?”

There was a long pause. I had just about decided to hypnotize him when he said, so weakly that I could barely hear him, “I had to sleep on the living-room sofa. The first night I was there he came downstairs and woke me up. “

“Why did he wake you up?”

“He wanted to lie down with me. “

“And did he do that?”

“Yes. I didn’t want him to. There wasn’t room on the sofa for him and me both. But he got in with me anyway. “

“What happened then?”

“He put his hand in my pajamas. I kept saying, ‘No!’ But he wouldn’t listen. I was crushed against the back of the sofa and couldn’t move. “

“What did he do?”

“He licked my face with his big tongue. Then he felt me for a long time until—”

“Until what, Rob?”

“Until it started to get bigger. “

“What did you think about that?”

“I was afraid. I didn’t understand what was happening. I didn’t know what to do.”

“What happened then?”

“He finally got up and left. “

“Just like that?”

“He said if I told anyone he would kill my kitten. “

“What else?”

“The outside of my pajamas was sticky and cold. I didn’t know why. “

“Where did he go?”

“He went back upstairs. “

“Did this ever happen again?”

“Almost every night. I used to lie there and pray that Uncle Dave wouldn’t come down. “

“Was it always the same?”

“No. Sometimes he put his mouth down there. Then— Then he—”

“I know this is difficult, Rob. But you must try to tell me the rest. “

“He wanted me to put my mouth on him! Oh, Daddy, help!”

“And did you do it?”

“No! I said, ‘No—I won’t do it!’ “

“And he left you alone after that?”

“No. The next day he killed my kitten. He picked her up and wrung her neck. “

“While you watched?”

“Yes. “

“What else?”

“He said he was going to do that to me unless I did what he wanted. “

“Did he come back that night?”

“Yes. “

“And did you do it?”

“No. I don’t know. I… I… I don’t remember anymore. “

“What’s the next thing you remember?”

“He came back about every night but I don’t think he bothered me. I was always asleep. “

“You were able to fall asleep knowing your uncle was coming to molest you?”

“Not exactly. I never fell asleep until he came down and got into the sofa. So I don’t think he did much after that. “

“Where was your Aunt Catherine all those nights?”

“She stayed upstairs, mostly. She had a bad heart. But sometimes I thought I saw her sitting on the stairs. And I heard her once or twice. “

“What did she say?”

“Nothing. She just made funny noises. Like she couldn’t breathe. “

“And this went on until your father came home from the hospital?”

“Yes. They killed a dog, too. “

“What dog?”

“I don’t know. I think it was a stray. They killed it with a knife. “

“Why?”

“They said that would happen to me if I told. Uncle Dave would strangle me and Aunt Catherine would stab me with the knife. “

“Did you ever tell anyone?”

“Never. “

“All right, Rob. We’ll stop for a while. “

Obviously relieved, he sighed loudly.

“Thank you for telling me all this. Are you okay?”

“I don’t know. I think so. ” He began stroking the cat again.

I let him rest for a minute. I should have sent him back to the wards at this point, but I knew prot could depart at any time despite everything. “Rob, I’d like to put you under hypnosis now. Would that be all right?”

His shoulders slumped even lower. “I thought we were finished for today. “

“Almost. “

He looked left and then right, as if trying to find a way out. “All right. If you think it will help…. “

As before, he didn’t go into the trance immediately, as prot always did, but more cautiously, fighting all the way. When I was sure he was “asleep” I induced him to return to the past, but this time all the way back to his fifth birthday. He described the cake, remembered blowing out all the candles. But he wouldn’t tell me his wish or (he solemnly informed me) it wouldn’t come true. It was only a short time later that his father was injured in the slaughterhouse and ended up in the hospital, and little Robin (his boyhood name) had to go live with his Uncle Dave and Aunt Catherine for a few weeks. The prospect was not an unpleasant one for him. He seemed to like his mother’s older siblings, who had given him a kitten for his birthday. His sisters were taken to live with another aunt in Billings.

“All right, Robin, you’re at your aunt and uncle’s house and it’s time for bed. Where are you going to sleep?”

“Aunt Catherine made the sofa into a bed for me. I like it. It smells funny, but it’s soft and warm. “

“Good. Are you going to sleep now?”

“Yes. “

“Where is the kitten?”

“Uncle Dave put her in the kitchen. “

“All right. What’s happening now?”

“I’m just laying here, listening to the crickets. The kitten is meowing. Oh—someone’s here. It’s Uncle Dave. He’s trying to get in bed with me. He is pushing me over. “

“He’s coming to sleep with you?”

“I guess so. But it’s too crowded. He’s pushing me against the back of the sofa. He has his arm around me. He’s touching me! ‘No, Uncle Dave! I don’t want you to!’ He’s putting his hand in my pajamas. He’s feeling my thing. ‘Uncle Dave! Please don’t. I’ll tell!’ “

“What did he say to that?”

Five-year-old Robert started to cry. “He says if I do he’ll kill my kitten. “

“It’s all right, Robin. He’s finished now. He’s gone back upstairs. Just rest for a little while. “

He continued to sob until it tapered off to a whimper.

“All right, Robin, now it’s one week later, and you’re getting into the sofa. How are you feeling?”

“I’m very afraid. He’s going to come down. I know he’s going to come down. I can’t sleep. I’m so scared. “

“Where is your kitten?”

“Oh, he killed her. He killed her. I think he’s going to kill me, too. ” He was shaking. “Oh, here he comes. ‘Please, Uncle Dave, please. Please God, don’t do it tonight!’ “

“He’s getting into the sofa?”

“No. He’s pulling my blanket off. I’m holding on to it but he’s too strong. Now he’s taking off his pajamas. I don’t want to look. I’m going to sleep now. ” He closed his eyes tightly.

“Robin? Are you asleep? Robin?”

His eyes came open again. But the look of fear was gone, replaced by one of hatred. Bitter, intense hatred. All his muscles were tense. He said nothing.

“Rob?”

“No, ” he replied, through clenched teeth.

“Who are you?”

His feet began to shuffle. “Harry. “

I was stunned. Not because another alter had made an appearance, but because I understood immediately what a fool I’d been, that there might be still others I didn’t yet know about, perhaps watching and listening to everything that transpired. “Harry, please—tell me what’s happening. “

The feet stopped shuffling. “He’s kneeling beside the sofa. His thing is in my face. He wants me to put it in my mouth. “

“Are you doing that?”

“I have to or he will kill Robin. But I will kill him, too. If he does anything to Robin I will kill him. I hate him! I hate his guts! I hate his rotten thing! I am going to bite it off if he hurts Robin. Then I will kill him. I will! I will! And her, too, that fat pig. ” He looked as though he meant every word.

“All right, Harry. It’s all over now. Uncle Dave and Aunt Catherine have gone upstairs. You are all alone. You and Robin. “

Harry sat in his chair spitting violently, glowering, his eyes rising as the pair made their way slowly up the stairs.

“Harry? Listen carefully. You’re going to sleep now. ” I waited until he calmed down, closed his eyes. A moment

later I whispered, “All right, Robin. It’s morning now. Robin, wake up. “

“Huh?”

“Is that you, Robin?”

“Yes. “

“It’s time to get up. “

Dismally: “I don’t want to get up. ” But at least the horrible twitching had subsided.

“I understand. It’s okay. Just rest there for a while. We’re going to go forward in time now. You’re getting older. You’re six, now you’re seven, now ten. Now you’re fifteen, twenty, twenty-five, thirty, thirty-five, thirty-eight. Rob?”

“Yes?”

“How are you doing?”

“Not so hot. “

“All right, I’m going to wake you up now. I’m going to count backward from five. By the time I get to one you will be wide awake and feeling fine. Five… four… three… two… one. ” I snapped my fingers. “Hello, Rob—how do you feel?”

I needn’t have asked. He may have felt fine, but he looked sick and exhausted. “Can I go to my room now?”

“Of course. And Rob?”

“Yes?”

I got up, placed my hand on his shoulder, and escorted him to the door. He was still holding the cat. “I think the worst is over. Everything is going to be all right now. “

“Do you really think so?”

“Yes, I do. In one or two more sessions I think we’ll have everything sorted out. Then you can begin to get well. “

“That sounds too wonderful to be true. “

“It’s true. And when you get better, it will be perfectly all right for prot to leave. You won’t need him anymore. “

“I hope not. I don’t think he’s going to be around much longer anyway, no matter what happens. “

“Do you have any idea—”

“You’re browbeating again, coach. He doesn’t know, and neither do I. “

“Prot! Rob was just on his way back to Ward Two. “

He shrugged and reached for the door.

“Before you go, tell me: Are there any child molesters on K-PAX?”

“No, and no adult molesters, either. “

On Tuesday morning one of the world’s foremost psychiatrists arrived to spend the day at MPI meeting with faculty and staff, and to present a seminar on current research in his field. I had never met the man before, though I had read most of his books, including the immensely popular The Lighter Side of Mental Illness-, heard him lecture at national and international conferences, and was looking forward to this rare opportunity.

He strode into the hospital wearing top hat and tails, his trademark dress. Now in his eighties, he looks twenty years younger, and keeps himself in shape by running seven miles every morning before breakfast, doing fifty push-ups at midday, and swimming an hour every afternoon before dinner. In between he gulps vitamins and minerals by the handful. He asked everyone he met where the swimming pool was. Unfortunately, the Manhattan Psychiatric Institute does not have such a facility.

I didn’t see him until later, in part because I skipped the morning coffee conference (our guest had grapefruit juice) in order to visit Russell, who was in the infirmary, apparently suffering from exhaustion. He seemed okay otherwise, and was still preaching the imminent demise of the world.

I spoke to Chak about Russ’s condition, but he was mystified about what was ailing him. “You are not to worry, ” he assured me. “He is not in immediate danger. ” He was thinking of transferring him to Columbia Presbyterian for further examination and testing.

“Do what you need to do, ” I said. “I would hate to lose him. “

I poked my head into Russell’s room before leaving the clinic to wave a cheerful goodbye and found him weeping. I stepped in and asked him what the matter was. He said, “When I get to heaven I hope they have hamburgers on

Saturday nights…. “I think it was the first time I had ever

heard him say anything that wasn’t a quote from the Bible.

My turn to speak privately with the great clinician, whose books occupy a prominent place on my office shelves, came at two o’clock. He bounded into my office fresh as a kid (thanks to the push-ups, perhaps), swallowed several vitamin pills, and immediately fell asleep sitting up in his chair. For a moment I thought he had died there, but on careful observation I could see his chest moving under his cravat. Not wanting to disturb him, I slipped out and let him have his forty winks. It was only later that I learned he had passed out in everyone’s office. Apparently he was saving his strength for the four-o’clock seminar. When I returned to awaken and escort him to Beamish’s office he finished the sentence he had started when he dozed off and leaped out of the chair like a twenty-year-old. I had a difficult time keeping up with him as he winged his way down the corridor.

Having an hour or so free before the seminar, I decided to spend them on the grounds, where I found Lou huffing and puffing around the back forty. Not having seen him for a couple of weeks I was aghast at the amount of weight he had put on. His maternity slacks were stretched to their limit. His bright-yellow blouse was unbuttoned and it fell over his swollen belly like the petals of a giant sunflower. It appeared he was literally feeding his delusion.