On a Beam of Light (17 page)

He blew some hair from his eyes. “Had I known it was going to be like this I never would have become a mother, ” he groaned. He seemed to be fingering something—a gossamer thread, I supposed.

I noticed Dustin plodding along the far wall. He always seemed to be most agitated late in the afternoon. I heard Lou say, “Why don’t you give Dustin a break and keep his parents away from him tonight?”

“They’re nice people, Lou. And they’re his only visitors. “

“They’re driving him nuts!”

Just then Milton wiggled along on his beat-up unicycle, juggling a few raisins and mumbling to himself, “And I told the maestro, ‘No, thank you! I want to hear the entire ramide or no ramide at all!’ “

Virginia Goldfarb came by from the other direction and reminded me of the upcoming seminar by our distinguished visitor. I accompanied her to the amphitheater When everyone was seated and Villers had introduced our guest in a very complimentary fashion, he bounded from his chair and took the podium. It looked to be a rewarding hour. Unfortunately, when the lights were dimmed for his slides, the great man fell asleep again, and he stood snoring softly at the front of the room like an old horse wearing a top hat. The projectionist, one of our bright young residents, gravely continued with the slide show, which was pretty much self-explanatory anyway. When it was over and the lights came up, our speaker awakened, concluded his talk, and asked for questions.

No one had any. Perhaps everyone else was thinking, as I was, about the functional capacities of the elderly gentlemen who populate the halls of Congress and the United States Supreme Court, sleeping at the switch, so to speak, while the trains roll by.

Refreshed by his nap, our distinguished colleague got in his hour of swimming at a local gym before taking another snooze, this time over dinner at one of Manhattan’s finest restaurants. (Villers, whose wife was still sick, had begged off and I was left to deal with the problem myself. ) Somehow he managed to catch his menu on fire from the candle and, later, his head fell into his plate and mashed his “very young, tender sweet peas in unsalted butter sauce with a hush of marjoram and dill. ” After helping him eat, I finally got our slumbering guest into a cab and off to the airport, his forehead still flecked with food. He strode briskly into the terminal, but whether he made it home or not is anybody’s guess.

As we pulled away I marveled at the accomplishments of our illustrious friend, much of which must have taken place while he was sound asleep. And I wondered whether he might not have a good deal more energy if he didn’t keep himself in such great shape.

Early Wednesday afternoon, before my next session with Robert, I had a quick lunch with Giselle just to touch base. She mentioned that an ophthalmologist she knew was extremely interested in proving or disproving prot’s ability to see UV light. I asked that she put him off for the moment. “Prot may be leaving soon, and there’s still a lot of work to do.

“

“That’s exactly why he should see prot ASAP!” I told her I would let her know when a good opportunity came up.

Unfortunately, she was unable to tell me anything about prot I didn’t already know. In fact, she complained that he was spending less time with her than he had earlier, and she requested copies of the taped recordings of our last few sessions. I felt sorry for her—she had become like a daughter to me—but I refused to let her listen to the tapes.

“Why not?” she demanded. “It’s going into your book, isn’t it? Then the whole world will know everything he said in those sessions. “

“Not everything. Besides—what makes you so sure I’m going to write another book?”

“Because you want to retire. At least your wife wants you to. “

“A book isn’t going to do it. “

“It’ll help. “

“Maybe, but I still can’t tell you. You know about doctor-patient privilege. If I do the book I won’t identify any of the patients by their real names. “

Her cheek ballooned with half a sandwich. “So don’t tell me who’s on the tapes!”

“Why not ask prot to tell you about the sessions? He seems to have a pretty good memory. “

“I tried that. “

“What did he say?”

“He doesn’t want to violate your privacy. “

“What does that mean?”

“I think he knows all there is to know about you. “

“There isn’t that much to know, ” I said, uncomfortably.

“He says we all have a lot of secrets we don’t want any other being to find out about. “

“Well, he’s probably right about that. “

“Yes, and everything else, too. In fact, it was prot’s idea that I listen to the tapes. He says I can help Robert more if I know what’s going on. “

The retirement bug buzzed in my ear. “I’ll think about it, ” I told her.

Robert strode in for his twenty-seventh session with an uncharacteristic smile on his face. Not a prot-like smirk, but certainly a grin. For the first time he actually appeared eager to talk. He hadn’t even brought a cat with him.

“Rob, are you ready to tell me about Sally and Rebecca?”

The smile shrank but he said, “Yes, I think I am. “

“Good. We’ll stop if you begin to feel uncomfortable. “

He nodded.

“Rob, how can you be sure you’re not Rebecca’s father?”

“Sally and I never had sex—uh—sexual intercourse. “

“What did you have?”

“We just kissed and petted. That was all we did. “

“Even after you were married?”

“Yes. “

“Did you ever find yourself with your clothes off?”

“Sometimes. “

“How did you think that happened?”

“They came off while we were kissing and petting. “

“But nothing else happened?”

“No. ” Robert suddenly seemed less confident. He stared at his feet.

“How are you doing?”

“I’m okay. “

“Do you know what sex is? How it operates?”

Uncomfortably: “I have a vague idea. “

“But you’ve never done it. “

“No. “

“Sally wasn’t interested?”

“Oh, yes. She was. “

“Didn’t you want to make love with her?”

“Yes. No. I don’t know. We never—”

“All right. Let’s not waste any more time. If you’re ready, I’d like to hypnotize you again. “

He looked away.

“Rob, this will probably be the last time. We’re very close to the heart of your difficulty. Do you trust me?”

He took a deep breath and exhaled it harshly. “Yes. “

“Good. Are you ready now?”

He took another breath and nodded. Slowly, kicking and scratching all the way, he fell into a trance. I took him back to June 9, 1975. “Rob, you and Sally have just been married. Do you remember that moment?”

“Of course. Our families were all there and it was a beautiful service. “

“And after that?”

“There was a reception in the church basement. Cake and punch and some cashews and blue candy in little silver dishes. “

“Okay. The reception is over. What is happening now?”

“People are snapping our pictures. “

“And after that?”

“We’re leaving the church. Everyone is throwing rice at us as we run down the steps and out to the car. “

“You bought a car?”

“Yes. A ‘57 Ford Fairlane. “

“Where did you get the money?”

“We used our wedding money for the down payment. “

“Go on. “

“We’re driving away. “

“Where are you going?”

“We don’t have enough money for a honeymoon, so we’re just going for a drive out in the country. It’s a beautiful spring day. It’s wonderful having Sally next to me with her head on my shoulder. “

“I’m sure it is. All right, it’s early evening. Where are you now?”

“The Hilltop House. “

“What’s the Hilltop House?”

“It’s a nice restaurant in Maroney. About fifty miles from Guelph. “

“How is the dinner?”

“Terrific. The best one we’ve ever had. “

“What are you eating?”

“Lobster. We’ve never had it before. “

“Okay. Dinner is over. Where are you going now?”

“We’re driving home. “

“Where is home?”

“Back in Guelph. A trailer park called Restful Haven. “

“You have a trailer?”

“Sally prefers to call it a mobile home. “

“Do you own it or rent it?”

“It was a present from Sally’s family. It’s a used one. “

“All right. You’re home now. What’s happening?”

“We’re going inside. I forgot to carry Sally over the threshold, so we’re going back out and I’m picking her up and carrying her in. She’s kissing me. “

“What do you see, now that you’re inside?”

“Somebody has put a box of diapers on the kitchen table. For a joke, I guess. “

“Is Sally pregnant?”

“Yes. “

“Who knows about this?”

“Probably everyone. “

“You mean word gets around. “

“Yes. “

“Does the father know?”

“I don’t know who the father is. Maybe Sally told him. We never talked about it.”

“What’s happening now?”

“It’s starting to get dark. I’m not tired, but Sally wants to go to bed. “

“Is she doing that?”

“Yes. She’s in our little bathroom… now she’s coming out. She’s wearing a silk nightie. While she was in there I took off my clothes and got into bed. “

“And is Sally getting in with you?”

“Yes. Actually she’s jumping up and down on the bed and laughing. “

“How do you feel about that?”

“I’m afraid. “

“What are you afraid of?”

“We have never had sex. I’ve never done it with anyone. Except—”

“Yes, I know about Uncle Dave. “

No response.

“All right. What is happening now?”

“Sally is snuggling up to me, rubbing her hand on my bare chest. She’s kissing my face and my neck. All of a sudden I’m very sleepy. I’m falling asleep. “

“Rob? Are you asleep?”

“Are you kidding? At a time like this?” His demeanor suddenly changed. He was alert, almost bug-eyed. He seemed quite agitated. But it wasn’t prot. Or Harry.

“Who are you?”

“Never fear, Paul is here. “

“Paul? You’re Paul? What are you doing here?”

“Helping out. “

“How are you helping out?”

“Sally is horny as hell. She needs me. So does Rob. “

“Rob? How does Rob need you?”

“I’m showing Rob how to make love to his wife. “

“But he’s asleep. “

“Yeah, he always does that. But that’s not my problem. ” He turned over and began to make kissing sounds.

“All right, Paul. It’s an hour later. It’s all over. Sally’s asleep. What are you doing now?”

“Just lying here. Sally’s head is on my shoulder. She is sound asleep. I can hear her breathing. I can smell her breath. Is that what lobster smells like?”

“Aren’t you sleepy?”

“A little. I’m just going to lie here and enjoy this until I doze off. ” He was smiling.

“How many times has this happened before?”

“Not too many. Until now. It’s been hard to find any privacy anywhere. “

“Paul, are you the father of Sally’s child?”

He started snapping his fingers. “How’d you guess?”

“It wasn’t too difficult. Tell me: Can you hear everything that goes on with Rob?”

“Sure. “

“Does he know about you?”

Snap, snap, snap. “Nope. “

“How often do you come out?”

“Only when Sally needs me. “

“Why not any other time?”

“Why should I? I’ve got a pretty good deal, don’t you think?”

“From your point of view, I suppose it is. Okay, just one or two more questions.”

“Shoot. ” Snappity snap snap.

“When did you first make an appearance?”

“Oh, I guess Rob was eleven or twelve. “

“And he needed to masturbate?”

“He’d freak out every time he got a hard-on. “

“All right. One last thing: Do you know about Harry?”

“Sure. Nasty little kid. “

“All right. You lie there a while. It’s getting late. You are falling asleep. ” Still smiling, he closed his eyes and the finger-snapping stopped. “Now it’s morning. Time to get up. “

His eyes opened, but he was no longer smiling.

“Rob? Is that you?”

He yawned. “Yes. What time is it?”

“It’s still early. Is Sally there with you?”

“Shh. She’s sleeping. God, she’s beautiful. “

I lowered my voice. “I’m sure she is. Now we’re going to come forward in time. Imagine a calendar whose pages are turning rapidly forward. It’s 1975, 1980, 1985, 1990, 1995. We’re back in the present—September 13, 1995. Do you understand?”

“I understand. “

I woke him up. He looked tired, but not nearly so exhausted as he had been after the previous session. “Rob, do you remember anything that just happened?”

“You were going to hypnotize me. “

“Yes. “

“Did you?”

“Uh-huh. And I think we’ve got most of the puzzle put together now. “

“I’m glad to hear that. ” He seemed greatly relieved, though he didn’t yet know what the picture looked like.

“I’m going to tell you something now that you might find very disturbing. Please remember at all times that I’m trying to help you deal with your very understandable grief and confusion. “

“I know. “

“And remember that you can do or say anything that comes to mind. You are in your safe haven here. “

“I remember. “

“Good. Most of what we’ve learned about your past has come about through hypnosis. That’s because when a person is hypnotized he is able to recall many things that his conscious mind has repressed. Do you understand?”

“I think so. “

“Okay. I’ve hypnotized you several times now, and each time you told me some things about your past that you have consciously forgotten. Primarily because they are too painful to remember. “

Robert seemed to freeze for a moment and, just as suddenly, thawed. It became clear to me then, if it wasn’t before, how much he wanted to get well. I felt enormously gratified. “At some point I’m going to let you hear the tapes of all the sessions we’ve had so far. For now I’m just going to summarize everything we’ve learned to this point. If it gets too rough, just stop me and we’ll pick it up some other time. “