On Becoming Her Sir (21 page)

“Hopes? An exact science? You’re talking hopes with me when the woman I love is lying here begging for someone to believe in her? Can’t you tell by the look on her face? Tell me doctor, does she look like a woman who wants to die?”

Doctor Taylor opened his eyes wide yet remained quiet. “As I said, there are always miracles. They can happen. However, I do need to talk to you about something very important.”

“Okay. Fine. Yeah, okay.” Nothing was okay. He studied her face, begging for a sign, any sign. Jessie had to live. “Fight baby. Fight.”

“Perhaps you want to go outside?”

Luke shot him a harsh look. “Whatever you want to say you can do so in front of both of us. You may be giving up on her, but I sure as shit refuse to.”

The words seemed to take the doctor aback. “I know you’re hurting, Luke.”

“Cut the crap, doctor. What are you trying to tell me?”

“Jessie is pregnant.”

“What?” The words hung in the air. Pregnant? There was no way. Luke reeled back, a horrendous level of emotions rolling through his system.

“I know this is difficult to take in,” he said, keeping his voice even. “And…”

“And?” Luke huffed. Oh my God. This couldn’t happen.

“At this point the fetus isn’t viable, but with time we might...”

“Viable?” Interrupting, Luke was incensed. He’d heard the words, although he refused to accept any of the details. Pregnant? God…

“Yes, viable as in there is no way even on incubators the baby could live at this stage. If we can keep Jessie alive, even in a dormant state for two months, the baby might survive, but I don’t want to get your hopes up. We would have to keep Jessie’s body as healthy as possible.”

“Jessie’s body?” The snarl slipped from his lips before he could stop the strangled hiss.

Doctor Taylor looked away. “As I said, I know this is difficult as hell.”

The words hit him hard, the realization something he couldn’t comprehend. “What? Are you suggesting that we keep Jessie like this, like fucking this until you can harvest her baby?”

“You could have a part of her, of the two of you, if you want to try.”

“I…” Luke growled and jerked up front the bed. “You don’t have any idea what you’re saying to me? Look at her. Look at my beautiful woman, the very reason I breathe every fucking day. You say she’s dead, that there is no life in her, yet you want me to give life to a fetus?” He couldn’t think clearly, didn’t want to think at all.

Doctor Taylor moved closer, a look of compassion on his face. “No Luke. I’m telling you that there is a chance we can keep your son, Jessie’s son alive. If that’s something you want to try. I can’t promise anything. Her body might reject the fetus, but there is a chance. You have to make that call.”

Luke had never felt so small, so very helpless. Rage rushed through every cell in his body. “I can’t do this. I can’t and won’t do this. You can’t ask this of me. No. This is her life.”

“You can choose to pull the ventilator. That’s your choice.”

Horrified, Luke held out his fist. “You doctors have no clue. None. This is not going to happen. Never.” Storming out of the room he found his way to the stairwell and bounded down the ten flights of stairs, managing to find his way outside somehow. When he hit the wall of humidity he burst into tears, his lungs screaming for air. As he gulped, swallowed back the wretched bile forming in the back of his throat, he screamed to whatever God there was supposed to be. “You fucker!”

Nothing made sense. Nothing was right. His child.
His son.
No. He couldn’t do this…this life, this love, this… There was little he could do without her. There was no way. None. “Fuck you!” Railing to the heavens, he held up his middle finger, issuing a string of curses. “You mother fucker. You won’t do this to her. Not to Jessie. Do you fucking understand?” A wave of nausea washed over him, forcing him to drop to his knees.

He wept uncontrollably for the first time in months, the despair crushing every thought, every emotion. When he could cry no more he rested his head in his hands. Why? Why?
Why?
His body rocking back and forth, he could no longer think clearly.

“Luke.”

Her voice was so soft, so inviting. Luke jerked his head up and the second he turned around, the sun hitting the woman just behind her image. “Suzzana.”

“Luke. No, it’s Aimee.”

For s few seconds he was lost then shook his head as he struggled to climb to his feet. “I’m sorry, I…”

“It’s all right, Luke. I had to come. Something compelled me to come here today. I can tell Jessie isn’t doing well?” Aimee’s face was full of confusion.

Luke bit his lip and shook his head. “I’m sorry I…” Blinking, he sniffed as the vision of Suzzana’s face continued to hover in front of his face. “No. They say she’s brain dead. Fuckin’ doctors.”

“And you don’t believe it.”

“No. I know her. I know my Jessie. She’s a fighter.”

Aimee smiled and took his hand. “That’s what I came down here to tell you. She is. She wants you to fight for her. Jessie needs your strength right now more than anything. No matter how bleak things seem, she’s counting on you. In truth, she needs you to be her Dom.”

“Her Dom? What? I…” This was crazy shit.

Placing her hand on his arm she nodded. “Jessie thrives on your confidence, your dominance and your leadership. What she needs is a clear path back to the life you’re both supposed to lead.”

Shivering, he gulped air, coughing as the humidity hit the back of his throat. “I don’t…I don’t know how.” The admittance was bittersweet.

“Yes, you do. I’ve seen you two together. I’ve talked with Jessie. She
is
ready to submit to you completely but this is a test of your wills, of your love and of your faith.”

“I have no faith. She’s lying on her deathbed. She might be brain dead.”

“Do you believe that? Are you ready to give up on her?”

“No!”

Her smile warm, her eyes dancing she grabbed his jaw. “Then you must have some level of faith. If you don’t then you’re going to lose her. Remember things happen for a reason. Only you can save her.”

They stood quietly for several minutes and in truth she didn’t need to say anything else to him. Luke understood exactly what she was trying to say. “You do understand.”

She patted his arm. “Yes. I do. More than you know.”

“Thank you for coming.”

“I had a feeling you needed a kind word, a kick in the ass,” Aimee teased.

“You’re right.” Laughing, Luke couldn’t help but smile. “Jessie would say the same thing.”

“Yes, she would and she will. Remember, things in our life are always darkest before the dawn. That is if you believe in a greater good, and that my friend is something different for all of us. I happen to think your greater good is Jessie. Without her you will lose the man I see.”

Her words a beautiful reflection of his life with Jessie, he watched as Aimee walked away, wondering how she knew he needed the very kick. Luke tipped his head, studying the sun, the beautiful day and he knew something very important. He was going to do everything in his power to save his beloved.

****

“Just do the fucking test!” Luke was shaking.

“Mr. Brennan, we’ve done several tests. You know that. Another test sadly isn’t going to change anything or the answer,” the nurse insisted. “I know you don’t want to hear this but its true.”

“I don’t give a fuck. Just do what I ask for once!” He could tell the poor girl was terrified of him. Damn, he was an asshole today. He had to know. Jessie wasn’t gone. No, she wasn’t gone.

She hesitated then looked at Jessie, finally nodding. “Absolutely. Of course. Another test certainly won’t hurt.”

“Thank you. I mean that. Thank you.” Tears welled in his eyes. How the hell could he cry any longer?

When the nurse left, he hissed. “Fucking shit.” For a few seconds he remained quiet, counting to ten in order to calm his nerves. Nothing made sense any longer. The entire few days had become a blur. Family. Friends. People had stopped by giving condolences, as Jessie was already dead. “You’re fucking alive!” Sniffing, he stuck his middle finger up toward the ceiling. “Fuck you. You’re not going to take her from me. You’re not going to.” He thought about the words Aimee had told him. Faith. Right. There was nothing left inside of him. There were no prayers that would help to make this all go away. There was no saving angel waiting.

“The doctors told me you’re brain dead, that your moan was involuntary. I refuse to believe. I know you. I know how you are,” Luke mused as he rubbed her hand between his. “They said you can’t come back. I know better.” For a few seconds he closed his eyes, remembering they way they’d been, the moments they’d shared. Suddenly he knew he had to tell her about Suzzana. Why now? Because he had to let go of the past. And so he began to talk. “I need to tell you some things, perhaps most of which you’re going to hate me for. I tried to keep this from you, pretended the past didn’t matter. Now I know better. Keeping secrets between us allowed this to happen. There is no way I can…I…” Luke choked back tears. “There’s no way I can forgive myself.”

Beep. Beep. Beep
.

Fucking ventilator.
The two days since he’d been asked to make a choice had been the most difficult. Sadly, her condition hadn’t changed. There’s been no increased movement and every time he’d insisted on yet another test for any activity in her brain there had been nothing. Her body was indeed shutting down, a fever having taken over. He had no idea what to do but talk to her, something he’d been doing nonstop. With little sleep and even less energy, he feared his words were no longer coherent.

“I told you about Suzzana. You know pretty much everything. Well, I didn’t leave out anything except for what happened at the end. God, the end. This is so hard,” he breathed and closed his eyes. “Bart has always been the same way, a man who needed to have everything I did. I didn’t understand until a few days ago why. The jealousy he’s felt has everything to do with the way he was raised, the fact he and his sister were abandoned. I don’t know if I told you, but he was forced to get a job at barely fourteen in order to keep them off the streets. I didn’t hear all the details but I know what he had to do was pretty horrible and very much against the law. He scraped by, provided for them and managed to send both of them to college. I have idea how he accomplished such a feat.”

Opening his eyes, Luke smiled as he thought about what Bart had tolerated in his life. He’d never really put any of the situation they’d both endured into a neat perspective. “As you can imagine, that shit jaded him. Anyway, I just wanted you to know he told me what happened between you two and I should hate him. I should, but I feel sorry for him. What he did do was tell me something, or release something or…” Groaning, he gripped her hand, digging his nails into her skin.

“So he desired Suzzana and I thought she had the same feelings. I allowed my emotions, my anger to get in the way of common sense. She didn’t long for anything to do with him, not for a single moment, and in truth he didn’t care about anything but the thought of wanted her. I let my jealousy fuel something that wasn’t even there. And she paid the price. She…” The words suddenly choking him, Luke pressed the back of his hand over his mouth as the tears began to fall. “Oh Jessie. I did love her. I did. I failed her just like I failed you. I allowed all the stupidity of being jealous to interfere and I promise I won’t do that again. Please come back to me. Please.”

Luke forced himself to look at her face. Jessie’s features were somehow so serene, as if she was just sleeping off a night of rest. Rising to his feet he leaned over and kissed her lips. They were so soft, so alive. As he walked to the window he thought about Jessie’s family, the way they refused to come to the hospital when he was here. They’d never had to face being shunned before. Then again, they hadn’t really made their relationship open to anyone in her family. Now he knew why. He refused to think about the ugliness, the horrendous words her brother had said to him. Family had always been tough for Jessie to talk about.

Shaking his head he palmed the glass and studied the parking lot, the way the sun glimmered off the bank of cars. “I just need you to know I love you and I loved Suzzana. She was very special and the ugly truth is I killed her. There. I said the words.” He was surprised that in saying the words there were little emotion, very little inflection in his voice. He was simply telling a story, one he’d agonized over for so long. Maybe Bart had freed him.

“We enjoyed edge play. We pushed our boundaries. We tried things you and I haven’t even talked about. She always wanted more. And I gave her more. One night I shouldn’t have. I allowed her to push me into trying breath play on a night now I know I shouldn’t have done anything but hold her. But I needed the closeness. I thought I’d lost her to Bart, just like I thought I had the other night. I am such a fucking idiot. I don’t know how to tell you, but the moment I prepared the rope I had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. When I slipped the knot and secured her I was sick, yet she wanted more. Suzzana begged me to tie her so that she couldn’t move. I just…”

As the words faded away, a wretched feeling rushed into the pit of his stomach. The past and present were colliding in a way he couldn’t control. Lights flashed in front of his eyes. Out of the corner of his eye he could swear Suzzana’s form had appeared, her lovely face clouded by sadness. This time the vision was too disheartening. “I killed you. I didn’t mean to but you died because of me. I loved you. I love you. I love Jessie. And the past is repeating itself.”

Not unless you allow it to, Luke. Protect her. Pray for her. Love her. And most of all forgive. I forgive you. I love you. Remember always my Sir…

The whispered words offered comfort but today, he wasn’t certain he could accept them. For so many reasons he wanted to be the one lying in the bed, dying. Jessie didn’t deserve this – not for any reason.

Forgive… Live… She loves you.

“I know. I know she does.”

And it’s time for you to let me go…

Luke grimaced and tumbled to the floor, holding his head in his hands. He wanted to believe Suzzana was guiding him, allowing him a peace he should never know. How could she? A cold shiver washed over him and he crawled toward the bed, taking Jessie’s hand and laying his head on her leg. Whatever happened he had no control over. Closing his eyes, he did what he never thought he would do. He prayed. Visions of Jessie, his beloved Jessie swam to the forefront of his mind. She was…