On My Knees (24 page)

When I opened my eyes, a confused grimace pinched his features. “Jia? I don’t understand.”

“She and Dermott wanted me to…” I shook my head, trying to shake off the uncomfortable new memory. “I don’t know. Let’s talk about this later, please.”

“No. Why was your shirt unbuttoned?”

I threw my hands up. “She unbuttoned it!”

“You didn’t say no?” He shoved his hands through his hair, his jaw working anxiously.

“Well, not right away. I didn’t know what the hell was happening! She kissed me out of the blue. I was confused.”

“Did you enjoy it?”

I gasped. “What kind of question is that?”

“I don’t know. Are you, like, a lesbian?”

“Oh my God, did you get concussed in the military? Kissing a girl doesn’t make me a lesbian. I was stunned by what was happening. Not like I fucked her. Jesus.”

“Would you have?”

“Did I? I ran out of there and the decision, which wasn’t really a decision, probably cost me my job. I’ll be shocked if I don’t have a pink slip on my desk when I go back next week. Why were you there anyway?”

“It’s Christmas Eve. I thought you’d finish up early and we could get dinner. I guess that’s shot.”

I dropped my head in my hands, exhaustion taking hold over my mind and my body at once. “I’m sorry you had to see any of that. I have no idea what to make of it. Dermott…” I groaned and fought the surge of panic that welled at the very real possibility that I could lose my job over this debacle.

“Dermott, your boss?”

“Yeah.”

His eyes narrowed and his breathing slowed, the overall effect being predatory, and not in the seductive way I loved. I dropped my hands in my coat pockets, glad I could hide the dampness accumulating in my palms. The whole situation was wreaking havoc on my nerves.

“So if Jia was unbuttoning your shirt, what was he doing?”

I tapped my foot roughly against the pavement. I hated this. I hated everything about this conversation. No matter how I relayed the truth, he’d be furious, with them and very likely me too. No one was good enough for Cameron, not even me.

“Maya. Talk. Now.”

“He watched,” I blurted. “Until I ran out. Everything happened really quickly. They had this planned out, and I think I ruined it. Maybe…maybe she thought I was going to be more receptive to something like that because of that night at the club. I don’t know. She said if I did it, we’d both get promotions.”

I laughed at the incredulous notion that I’d fuck a friend on my boss’s desk for a promotion. Heaven help me.

“Mother fucker.” The muscles in his jaw bulged and he pivoted in the opposite direction.

“No, no. Stop.”

“I’m teaching that asshole a lesson.”

“Cameron, no!” I screamed.

He stopped, allowing me to circle in front of him. I put my trembling hands on the panels of his coat.

“If I don’t lose my job over this, it’ll be a small miracle. Let’s not hasten the inevitable, okay? Let them fire me first, okay?”

“Did he touch you?”

“No, I promise. He never touched me. I ran out of there as soon as I figured out what was going on.”

“Christ, Maya.” He gritted his teeth and pulled away.

I weakened at the separation. The waves of his rage were rolling over me, crushing me. “Why are you angry with me? This wasn’t my idea!”

“I warned you about her, for starters. Secondly, did it ever occur to you that drunkenly making out with someone from work might have perpetuated this?”

He held my gaze. Anger was there, but also disappointment. A sickness rooted in my gut as I followed his unspoken thoughts.

My lips tightened into a firm line and I avoided his eyes. Those eyes that crushed me with the simplest, purest look of disdain. I inhaled a shaky breath, but it wasn’t enough to restore what that look had taken away.

“It did not occur to me because I haven’t had a moment to even make sense of it, and here you are, attacking me, turning this into something that’s my fault.”

I stepped away quickly and hailed an approaching cab.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m going home. Alone.”

I hopped in, shut the door, and locked the door before he could reach for the handle.

“Drive,” I ordered the cabbie.

“Where to?”

“Delaney’s on Pearl.”

CAMERON. I sat in the dark quiet of the room, listening to the seconds tick by on the new clock Olivia had hung on the wall. Everything was perfect, I guess. Furniture, fucking throw pillows, even art on the walls. Somewhere in Olivia’s world, pleasing our parents still mattered this much.

It was past one o’clock in the morning. They’d descend on the house in a matter of hours, yet I couldn’t bring myself to sleep. Maya had made it clear that she didn’t want me coming after her. I’d promised not to let her run anymore, but the guilt had overrun the frustration. I’d reacted without giving it a second thought, without considering for a moment what all of it meant for her personally. I’d been a complete asshole for freaking out on her, for passing judgment too quickly. She’d already walked out on me for that before. Apparently I had to learn that lesson more than once.

I jerked when the phone rang. Maya’s number came up.

“Maya?”

“It’s Vanessa. Are you home?”

“Yeah, why what’s up? Is everything okay?”

“It’s Maya. She’s...”

I stood quickly. “What’s wrong?”

“She showed up at my apartment about twenty minutes ago. She nearly fell out of the cab. I’d have her stay here, Cameron, but my parents are going to be here in the morning. I just don’t want her to be uncomfortable when she comes out of it. I’m sorry—”

“It’s fine. Text me the address. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

I hung up, rushed downstairs, and jumped into the SUV parked on the street.

When I arrived, Vanessa came out front to flag me down. She was in her pajamas, her arms wrapped around herself.

“Where is she?”

She led me inside and through a hall to a small bedroom. In it Maya was sprawled across the bedspread, passed out. Her face was obscured by the tangled mess of her hair. Her limbs were limp and outstretched in different directions.

“How much did she drink?”

Vanessa chewed her lip, her eyes never leaving Maya. “I’m not sure. She said she came from Delaney’s. It’s this bar near the office that she goes to sometimes.”

“I’ve never heard of it.”

“I doubt she’d bring you there. It’s kind of a seedy joint. I wouldn’t be surprised if they served her whatever she wanted for as long as she wanted. That could be a lot. She doesn’t really know when to stop when she gets going.”

“You think?” My voice was clipped, dripping with disappointment that she could allow her friend to carry on this way.

Her shoulders slumped a little, betraying her guilt. “I’m sorry for bothering you with this. Usually Eli is around to help, but he left town to visit his family. I didn’t know who else to call.”

“I’m glad you called. But what the fuck, Vanessa? How can you two watch her keep doing this and not say something?”

She crossed her arms, hugging her body. She avoided my eyes.

“This ends tonight.”

Her gaze shot up to mine.

“If I find out she gets like this again with you or Eli, you will personally answer to me.”

“I can’t control how much she drinks. She’s an adult.”

“Then don’t go out with her.”

Not waiting for a response, I went to Maya. Unable to rouse her with words and determined nudging, I scooped her into my arms.

“Can you open the car for me?”

Vanessa nodded, moving quickly ahead to lead me out. I laid her down in the back seat, covered her with my coat, and switched the heat on high. Despite all the movement and negotiating her position, Maya never woke.

“Should I take her to the hospital? She’s not responsive at all.” I held my hand over her heart. A steady beat matched the slow rhythm of her breath. At least she was breathing.

“I know this seems bad, Cameron, but I think she’s okay. I mean, she’ll feel like shit in the morning, but this isn’t the first time this has happened.”

“Apparently.” I pushed down a host of other scathing remarks and shut the door. “Good night, Vanessa.”

“Merry Christmas.” Her voice was sad, with a hint of sarcasm that a little part of me appreciated.
Merry fucking Christmas.

I drove to Maya’s apartment. I carefully arranged her in my arms and managed to find her keys in her purse, gaining us entrance. Her body tensed as we entered her bedroom, and I thought I heard a moan muffled into my chest. I lowered her onto the bed and switched on the side lamp. She squinted, covering her eyes with her hands.

“Cam, is that you?”

“Yeah, it’s me.”

She rolled onto her side and hummed, a drunk happy sound. I undressed her, tugging her clothes off with all the finesse of a child undressing a ragdoll. Afterward, I stripped down to my boxers and slid into the bed beside her, pulling the blankets over us.

I brushed the hair back from her face. “You okay, baby?”

The slits of her eyes opened, seeming to focus on me. Confusion then recognition passed over them.

“Why do you do this to yourself, Maya?” I whispered. I brushed her cheek, watching her slip back into sleep.

She opened her eyes, finding me again in the fog. She reached for my hand, feebly pulling it away from her face and down to her chest. “Cam... I love you. Even though this’ll never last. You and me. I still love you. I want you to know that.”

“Why are you saying that?”

“I’ll fuck it up. Somehow… The way everything’s all fucked up now. And you’ll leave again.”

Her lips wrinkled into a sad line, one that made me wonder if she’d been crying tonight. Her eyes were red and swollen, as if she had been.

My jaw tightened, my teeth gnashing against the unexplainable jolt of pain that shot through me with those words. If what I’d done to us years ago was the root of her sadness, of whatever had brought her this low, I knew her more intimately than anyone. After all, I’d brought the same torture onto myself. I’d lived with it. I’d survived it too.

I kissed her gently. “I’m not leaving. I’m going to take care of you, okay?”

She closed her eyes. A sad smile faded as quickly as it arrived, and she slid back into unconsciousness. I watched her, studied the motion of her breathing until sleep finally beckoned me too. I fought it, filled with an irrational fear that as soon as I closed my eyes, I’d lose her again.

MAYA. I’d been ill for hours before it struck me that today was Christmas. Too embarrassed to have him see me this way, I’d begged Cameron to leave me alone to purge all my horrible stupidity in privacy. Over and over, the waves of sickness came, and then the tears. I couldn’t remember much but I knew it wasn’t good. I’d woken up in bed with him, to the worried look in his eyes. He hadn’t been anywhere in my memories of the night, which wasn’t a good sign.

A while later he knocked on the door. I stirred from a merciful respite on the soft padded rug on the bathroom floor.

“Maya, are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

I rose, painfully slow to avoid the terrible rush of blood to my already throbbing head. No part of me wanted to see my face. I feared one look at myself would send me right back to the toilet, so I kept my eyes downcast as I washed my face and brushed my teeth again. I toweled dry and emerged, walking past him and back into the bedroom.

I sank into the bed, pulling the covers up around me as if they could protect me, save me somehow. He sat by my feet, silent and still.

“Can I get you anything?”

“No,” I rasped. “Thank you for...taking care of me last night.”

“How do you feel?”

“I feel like I’d probably rather be dead than as hung over as I am right now. It hurts to talk.” I wasn’t exaggerating.

“I didn’t rule out death last night.”

I closed my eyes. The reality of how fucked up I must have been last night sank in. “I just drank too much.”

“No, you drank at a bar without anyone you knew around you and then blacked out and fell out of a cab which, thank God, dropped you in front of Vanessa’s house. How you made it that far in the state you were in I’ll never know.”

Tears threatened again, causing the thrum in my head to grow louder and stronger.

“Please.” The plea came out in a whisper. “You can’t make me feel any worse than I already feel.”

“I’m not trying to make you feel bad. I’m trying to make you understand what you put me through. And Vanessa. Do you have any idea?”

His voice was strained. I could sense the unleashed anger from last night coming through each word, but that was what had set me off to begin with.

Against every instinct, I opened my eyes. The way he looked at me, with so much hurt and worry, destroyed the last part of me. I swallowed over the nausea that threatened anew. My body was still very much at war with itself.

“I’m sorry. You don’t have to stay here with me. I’m sure you want to be with your family. It’s Christmas after all.”

“As angry as I am, no, I’d rather be here with you.” He tossed a small wrapped package next to me.

“What’s this?”

“A present. One of them anyway. I didn’t really come prepared for Christmas morning when I was running after you last night.”

The edge of his voice stoked my guilt again. I wanted to reach for the simple wrapping of the gift but felt as undeserving of it as anything.

“Open it.”

I looked up at him, my eyes brimming with unshed tears. “Are we breaking up?”

He winced. “No. Why are you saying that?”

A quiet laugh rasped from me. “Because I’m a fucking mess, that’s why. I don’t understand why you would want to be with me like this.” I waved a hand over my sad, sick, torn up self.

“Well, thank God you’re not always blackout drunk. I happen to really enjoy you when you’re not. I’m invested in that part.”

“And what about the rest of me.”

“We’ll talk about it when you’re not feeling so rotten.” He gestured toward the package. “Open your gift.”

I reached for it, untying the twine and carefully revealing a notebook hidden inside the paper wrapping. My fingers grazed the soft brown leather of the cover. I flipped through the pages, sepia tinted parchment.