(Once) Again (14 page)

“I tried to talk you out of it.”

“Should’ve listened.”

“Just like I should’ve listened to you that morning.”

There, I said it. The words were out.

Eli went to talk, but his mouth stilled. His eyes locked with mine.

I’d had a test that day, but after the fight with Liz over her asshole of a boyfriend, I was so stressed out and couldn’t concentrate. I had left Liz’s place without even a goodbye. Never even texted her. Liz and I never fought like that. Not even as kids.

Eli told me to cut class. Use my gift of bullshitting and talk my professor into letting me make the test up when I had my mind cleared. I should’ve listened to him.

If I had . . .

It didn’t matter. The truth was I didn’t. And because of that, I got shot. No ifs could change that simple fact. Nothing could.

“God wanted you to be there that day,” Eli said. “Who the hell knows why, but he did. He obviously knows you’re a tough-ass motherfucker.”

“Sure I am.”

“Do I have to remind you of freshman year? First week. Our first frat party. That douchebag who was getting all up on that girl, and she was trying to fend him off.” Eli turned to Kat. “This crazyass tried to tell the guy to get off the girl and the guy told him to fuck off. But Josh over here wouldn’t let it go. The guy turned on him, fists clenched, arms bulging like some roidster and this one breaks his beer bottle on the staircase and walked right at the guy. I thought that shit only happened in movies.”

That memory was why I’d been so mad at my sister that weekend. Her jackoff ex was all up on her and wouldn’t take no for an answer. When Zach intervened and punched him in the face, she couldn’t understand why I was taking Zach’s side.

It was scientifically proven that guys were usually physically stronger than girls, but that doesn’t give a guy the right to force himself on a girl. That was one thing I did not put up with.

I’d been sick of assholes.

Kat’s eyes widened in shock. I wasn’t exactly the violent type, and I wondered what she would think about this other side of me.

“I have to head out. Kat.” Eli held his hand out, and Kat took it. He brought her hand to his lips. “It was a pleasure.”

“Watch it, dude,” I said.

He winked at her, and I tapped him with my crutch.

“She’s yours. I got it.” Eli winked at Kat and I rolled my eyes. “Will you be here when I get back?”

“We’re going to . . . we’re going.” My throat dried up, and I couldn’t get the words out.

“We’re going to go out for a little bit.” Kat jumped in. “Josh is going to show me around. But we’ll be crashing here tonight if that’s okay.” I smiled my appreciation at her.

“Absolutely. There’s a party tonight. Over at Omega Phi. You guys should go. The guys would love to see you.”

Kat’s eyes lit up, and I shook my head. “No.” I caught Kat’s gaze, and it was like watching the ocean retreat back into itself.

***

She curled into my side, cold hands looking for warmth on my stomach. I pulled the blanket I kept in my truck over us, and rubbed her arms. “I swear you’re dead from the wrist down,” I said, not trying to hide my laugh.

She responded with a tweak to my nipple. I jumped up, shifting her under me, my hands finding her sides. I ran my fingers down all her ticklish spots. A high-pitched squeak flew from her lips, and I covered her mouth with mine to muffle it. Her giggles vibrated on my mouth until I couldn’t control my own laughter.

Small, soft hands crept up my bare chest, coming to a stop on my face. The laughter ceased and she drew me close, placing a kiss on my forehead.

I sank down to the bed of the pickup, pulling her into me, and traced small circles on the bare skin of her arms.

She flipped onto her stomach and rested her elbow on my chest. A stray curl fell from behind her ear and tickled the skin along my waistband. “So, same time tomorrow?” she asked.

I ran a hand over my face. The last thing I wanted to do was upset her. And even though I knew we had an understanding, guilt still strangled my heart. “My parents are going to my grandparents’ place. I’m having a party.”

She didn’t say anything, but I knew what she was thinking. It didn’t matter that we had agreed to keep our relationship a secret because her eyes still filled with sadness whenever I didn’t invite her to one of my parties.

Her hold on me loosened. And although I felt her slipping away because of my obsession with keeping her a secret, I knew by not inviting her, I risked losing her for good.

***

All those times I didn’t invite Kat to parties had had nothing to do with her. I wasn’t embarrassed about being with her. I was embarrassed about that side of me.

The womanizing, take-nothing-seriously party animal was fun to a lot of people, but with Kat . . . I didn’t want to scare her off.

Now I knew how stupid that was. She loved me. All of me. You didn’t get to pick and choose which parts you love. You’re either all in or not in at all.

It was time I stopped keeping Kat to myself. Time I stopped hiding from my life.

“I mean. What time?”

“That’s my man.” Eli slapped my back. “Ten o’clock. Go do what you got to do, and I’ll meet you back here later.” Eli grabbed his notebook and ran out the door.

Kat’s smile still hadn’t fully returned. I hated that I was the reason. “Come here.” I held my hand out to her.

She scratched her head and let out a big puff of air before placing her hand into mine. I pulled her to me until she was standing in between my legs.

“I know we had an agreement. But you need to know, regardless of that, that it was never you. The reason I didn’t invite you to any of my parties. Introduce you to my friends. It was all me. Because I was afraid of what you would think of that side of me.”

“Not because I’d get in your way of picking up other girls?”

I rested my hands on her hips and tugged her a little closer. “When I was with you, it was only you. I was never with anyone else. Ever. I’d never do that to you. Promise.”

She slid her arms around my neck. “I believe you.” I pulled a maneuver and somehow got her under me without pain shooting through my thigh. A loud giggle flew from her mouth, and my lips twitched at the sound.

I looked into her eyes, tucking a soft strand behind her ear, letting my finger trail down her jaw. “God, I love you. Don’t leave me again.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“Good because what I have to do next . . . I need you.”

Kat curled into my side and ran her hand up and down my stomach, then laced her fingers through mine. “We’ll get through it. Together.”

Kat drove. Even if I were capable, I wouldn’t have been able to. My mind was all over the place, bouncing between the moments leading up to the shooting to Nia’s last breath.

My good leg shook uncontrollably and I was ready to open the door and jump out onto the highway.

“It’s going to be okay.” Kat’s cold hand rested on my arm. “I’ll be there with you the whole time.”

“I know.” I took her hand in mine and kissed it. I don’t think she had any idea that she was the only thing keeping me grounded. The only thing keeping me from reaching over and grabbing the steering wheel and careening us into any direction other than Nia’s mom’s house.

I closed my eyes and listened to the music, focused on the feel of Kat’s hand in mine.

She was so strong. Much stronger than me. She didn’t let her attack define her life. Then again, maybe she did. Maybe she was pretending it never happened. I couldn’t think about that now though. I didn’t want to think about anything other than Kat’s hand.

“We’re here,” Kat said and put the car in park.

Sweat beaded up on my forehead. My heart beat out of control and the collar of my button-up shirt suddenly seemed impossibly tight. “Is it hot in here?” I asked, pulling at the collar trying to find some relief.

“I’m actually a little chilly.”

Of course she was. The girl was always cold. We could be sitting on the sun in August and she’d still have a chill.

“You don’t have to do this you know,” Kat said, taking my face into her hands. I pressed my cheek into her palm and rested my fingers on hers.

“I know I don’t have to. But I need to.”

A dark-skinned woman walked out onto the porch of the one-story ranch. Her hands were on her hips, left foot pointed out, staring at us.

Nia’s mother.

She fit the description of the woman Liz saw fall apart at the hospital. Liz had told me that even though she locked eyes with her for only a moment, it felt like an eternity. She’d felt her pain, her loss. I wished Liz would’ve come. I know that moment was seared into her memory. If she could see the woman now, cheeks clear of tears, eyes bright, maybe she’d be able to erase it.

The woman squinted towards us. It was now or never. I only hoped the brightness in her eyes wouldn’t fade after I was finished talking.

Slowly, I opened the door. Kat came around from the driver’s side and handed me my crutches. They were starting to seriously get on my nerves. I wanted to take them to a bridge and toss them into the water. But if my sister or Zach knew I’d polluted the waters, I’d never hear the end of it. Bullet hole or not, they’d have me diving into the water to retrieve them.

“Can I help you?” Nia’s mom asked, stepping down off the porch.

Kat waited for me to speak. My collar grew tighter. The words sat in my throat, trying to get to the surface, but something was holding them down. Kat rested her hand on my back as if to inch me forward, and somehow the words pushed through.

“Mrs. Williams?”

“That would be me.”

“Hi. I’m Josh. I . . .” My words faltered. It felt like a line drive to the face, no time to react. Nia’s face flashed before my eyes. Her head cradled in my arms. Blood pooling on her shirt. I took a deep breath and tried to force the images away, but they were on repeat. One after another, flipping over until we got back to the beginning, then it started all over again.

Nia’s last words echoed in my mind.

“Tell . . . my mom . . . I love her.”

Suddenly the strength I was trying to find shot into me and the words flowed out.

“I was with Nia that day.” Mrs. William’s sucked in a breath, her hand flew to her lips, and a single tear fell down her cheek. “Can we talk?”

***

Nia’s mom showed us into the kitchen. I kept my eyes looking straight ahead, not wanting to see the pictures of Nia. Mrs. Williams grabbed a coffee filter. “Do you want some coffee? Or how about some tea? Water? I have a pie in the fridge, let me get that.”

I could tell she was trying to prolong the inevitable. Surprisingly, her nervous energy kept me calm.

“Coffee would be lovely,” Kat said and walked towards the machine. “Why don’t you sit down, and I’ll take care of it.” Kat placed her arm around Mrs. Williams’ shoulders and guided her towards the table.

“Well alright, dear.”

Kat winked at me and turned back to the coffee machine.

Mrs. Williams rubbed her face with her hands and then looked up at me. Her dark eyes caught mine. I couldn’t look away.

“I think I’m ready now,” she said.

Did I tell her Nia’s final words first or tell the whole story? Tell her I was the reason her daughter was dead? Did I leave that part out? Sugarcoat it? But what good would that do? I’d still be carrying around the guilt. I just needed to lay it all out on the table.

So I started from the beginning.

“Nia and I were in class together and had just walked out into the hallway when the shooting started. The shots were so loud, and it only took us a second to register what was happening.

“People were screaming, and it was pure chaos. I pulled her towards a doorway. It was locked.”

Bodies were dropping like flies, one after the other. Blood was everywhere, splattering like a Jackson Pollock painting. Nia’s mother didn’t need to know that though. Neither did Kat, so I left that part out.

“We stood in the doorway. More rounds shot and then my leg exploded. I dropped to the ground. I didn’t scream, afraid to give our location away. I was trying to protect Nia. I swear.”

Tears welled in my eyes, but I pushed them back. Mrs. Williams rested her hand on mine, and I continued. “I was bleeding a lot. Too much. Nia took her belt off and used it as a tourniquet. She promised we’d get out of there. She was so brave. Strong.”

I choked on my words and bit my fist to deter the pain shooting through my heart. “She told me she was going to make a run for it. I told her no. She was safer in the doorway. She was determined though.”

“That was my Nia.” Tears fell down Mrs. Williams’ cheeks, and I wanted to stop, take the pain away, but I couldn’t. She needed to know the whole truth.

“She insisted she was going. The shots stopped. She was certain she’d be fine. I peered out around the door and didn’t see the shooter so I told her to go. As soon as she stepped out . . .”

The tears I tried so hard to keep back poured out of me. “I’m so sorry. I should’ve stopped her. I should’ve made her stay. It’s my fault . . . she’s dead because of me.”

Kat stopped mid–coffee pour and stared at me, mouth agape. Too ashamed to return her gaze, I looked down at my hands on the table. I was an awful human being. I didn’t deserve to survive. And now . . . now Kat knew. Would she ever look at me the same way?

I wouldn’t blame her if she walked away.

“Josh.” Mrs. Williams took my hand. I glanced up and caught her eyes. The hatred I was expecting wasn’t there. Only compassion. “Is that what you think?”

I nodded.

“No. No. You said it yourself. Nia was determined. When that girl got something in her head, there was nothing and no one that could stop her.”

I should’ve tried. If I just held her hand tighter. Refused to let go.

“You did not kill her. That beast with the gun is the one who killed her. Not you. You need to let that guilt go. I don’t want that for you.”

“But . . .”

I went to pull my hand away, but Mrs. Williams held it in place. “There are no buts, you hear me?”

I met her gaze. I heard her perfectly fine, but they were just words. She hadn’t been there. But I bet if she had, she wouldn’t have let Nia go.

“Nia wouldn’t want this. Please.” Mrs. Williams looked at me intently as her eyes filled with tears. “Please. Let it go.”

It was easy to say, but the words were just out of reach. Deep down, I knew even if I said them, it wouldn’t change anything. That guilt would be with me forever.

“Please.” She squeezed my fingers. “Please. For Nia. Do it for Nia.”

I had failed Nia already, but maybe, just maybe, I could let the guilt subside and live the life she’d missed out on. I squeezed Mrs. Williams’ fingers back. “I’ll try.”

“Thank you. Thank you.” A tear slid down her cheek and I took a deep breath.

I slid my fingers out from hers. “There’s still one thing you need to know.”

I fidgeted with my hands. Kat came around to the table and sat in the chair next to me, giving my hand a squeeze.

“The gunman came back . . . pointed the gun at me. I pleaded with him. Nia was . . . I knew she wasn’t going to make it, and I didn’t want her to die alone. She deserved better than that. I knew the gunman, and when I said his name, he turned the gun on himself. Then it was over. Nia said to tell her mom that she loved her. I’m sorry it took me so long to tell you.”

Mrs. Williams jumped up from her chair and wrapped her arms around me. She pulled me tightly against her chest and cried into my ear. I didn’t know if they were happy tears or sad ones. Maybe a combination of both. But with each sob I felt the weight of the guilt slowly start to lift.

“Thank you,” Mrs. Williams said as she released me. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome” wasn’t exactly the right response, so I nodded instead.

“I knew my Nia loved me, there was never a doubt in my mind about that. But knowing she didn’t die alone . . .” She grabbed her chest and then pointed up to the sky. “I love you too, baby.”

We stayed for a little while longer. Mrs. Williams talked about Nia when she was a little girl. Kat asked a bunch of questions, but I mostly listened.

Mrs. Williams’s entire face lit up when she talked about her only daughter. It was nice to see. It was the thing I would now remember when I thought of Nia.

When the sun began to set, it was time to head back to the dorms. Mrs. Williams gave me an open invitation to stop by whenever I was in the area, and Kat got her recipe for apple pie.

“Thank you again,” Mrs. Williams said as we got in the car.

I gave a wave and watched her walk back into the house. The screen door didn’t shut properly, and I made a mental note to myself to come back when I was mobile and fix it. It was the least I could do.

I waited for the house to fade away into the distance, but the car didn’t move. I turned in my seat and looked at Kat. She was focused on me, tears glistening against the blue of her eyes.

“What’s the matter?” I asked.

“I didn’t know you blamed yourself. You can’t keep things like that inside of you.”

“You don’t think I’m a terrible person?”

Kat leaned across the console and ran her hand down my cheek. “Never. If anything, what you said in there only showed me why I love you so much. You protected Nia until her last breath, even when you were seriously injured. You’re a hero.”

“No, I’m not. I’m just a survivor.”

“You can think that all you want, but Mrs. Williams and I know the truth.” Kat kissed my forehead and then moved back to her side of the car. She shifted into drive, and we drove off, leaving the guilt behind us.