(Once) Again (18 page)

“Don’t,” I said, taking her face in my hands and forcing her to look at me. “Don’t blame yourself. You had nothing to do with what happened tonight. Do you understand me?”

Kat stared at me, tears pouring down her cheeks, but she didn’t say anything.

“Do you?”

She nodded and I pulled her face to mine, pressing my lips to hers. Her fingers trailed up my neck and into my hair. Desperation surged between us and I needed to be as close to her as I could be.

I lowered her body to the comforter beneath us, tracing a line of kisses down her neck, into the curves of her breasts. All the bad shit ceased to exist as Kat pushed into me. My hand followed the arc of her back, and I lifted her shirt over her head. Hating the distance it created between us, I tossed the shirt aside and pressed her into me. Skin to skin.

I dipped my head and kissed the spot by her earlobe, creating a path down her shoulder to the hard peak of her nipple and back up. A moan rose in her throat and fell from her lips and I was undone.

My fingers trembled as I reached up to cup her breast. I rested my head against her forehead and took a moment to calm down.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“You get me so worked up.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“No. It’s a very good thing. I have all these feelings inside of me. All these wants and desires and they’re all coming together at once. You’re the only one who’s ever done this to me.”

Kat leaned up and captured my lips with hers, swiping her tongue teasingly across my bottom lip before dipping into the crease. I accepted her invitation and parted my mouth to deepen the kiss.

I reached into the pillowcase and pulled out a condom. Kat cocked an eyebrow at me.

“I want you to know this was put in here before everything. We don’t have to. Not tonight. We’ll have a million nights together.”

“No. I want you now. Please. You’re the only thing keeping me from crumbling. I need to feel you. All of you.” She took the condom from my hand and put it back into the pillowcase. “I haven’t missed my pill since that last time. Make love to me. Please.”

“God, I love you,” I said, and she undid the towel from my waist. I kissed her forehead and her eyes fluttered shut, so I kissed each one before moving to her nose, then her mouth.

I hovered above her and stared deep into her eyes. My intention was to go slow, to savor every single touch, but desire took over and I thrust into her.

Her head dropped back and her eyes fluttered shut again. I wrapped my arms around her and held her into me, dragging my hand down her front, kissing the freckles sprinkled across her shoulders.

Kat moaned and I pulled back, feeling like I was looking straight into her soul. She held my gaze even as her breathing quickened. Despite everything we had been through, a glow still radiated from her skin. She was a beautiful angel.

My guardian angel.

Her fingers snaked into my hair, curling into fists as she tightened around me. She screamed out and it drove me over the edge. I thrust into her one last time and collapsed against her.

She breathed against my ear, and I rolled to my side, pulling her to me. She rested her head against my chest, and I brushed the dampened strands of hair on her forehead away. Her skin was bright against the moonlight. Every freckle was like a star in the sky. Unique and beautiful.

Everything about her was perfect. Perfect for me.

I placed my finger under her chin and tilted her to me and kissed her. “Thank you,” I said against her lips.

“For what?”

“For coming back to me.”

“If you remember, I tried running away from you.”

“Once again.”

She bit her lip, the corners of her mouth turning upward. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“Just that it wasn’t the first time you ran. But just like last time, I caught you.”

“This time I promise, I’m not running anywhere.”

“Good, because I’m not as fast as I used to be.”

“For now. But you will be. I have faith in you.”

“That’s all I ever needed.”

Kat curled up into my side. “We’ve already been through hell tonight and somehow you managed to turn it into something nice, so I hate to bring this up. But I need to know. Are you going back to school? Because I mean it. I’m not going anywhere. So if you want to go back, don’t let me be the reason you don’t.”

I tucked her hair behind her ear. “When we went I realized how much I missed it. The parties. The chaos.” Kat nodded in understanding. “But today when you slammed the door in my face and my mom told me to let you cool off, I’d never missed anything or anyone so much. I wanted to run after you. I wanted to call you. I couldn’t think about anything other than you. Even though I’ll miss Springfield, I’d miss you more. So I’m going to enroll at Farmingdale State next semester and commute.”

“Are you sure this is what you want? Because—”

I rested my finger on her lip. “Yes.”

She blinked up at me, tears glistening in her eyes. “You’d do that for me?”

“No. I’d do that for us.” She crushed her lips to mine, and I could feel her smile pulling.

“I love you,” I whispered in her ear.

“Name one thing you love about me?” she asked.

“I can name five,” I said, and we both laughed. It felt good to laugh. With Kat it was as easy as breathing. No matter what life threw at us, we’d manage, and still find a way to laugh. I knew without a doubt this was how I wanted to spend the rest of my life.

“I’m waiting,” she said. I tickled her sides and flipped her to sit on top of me.

I touched my finger to her lip and said, “One. You suck your bottom lip into your mouth when you’re nervous.

“Two. Your face lights up every time you give a kid their cotton candy. It’s as if you enjoy giving it to them as much as they enjoy getting it.

“Three. You always smell like cotton candy even when you haven’t clocked in yet.

“Four. The way you talk about your family.”

“And five. The way you rest your chin on your hand and stare out this window. You don’t notice anything around you. You’re alone in your mind. I watch you from my post at the top of the water slide and always want to know what you’re thinking,” she finished with me.

“I can’t believe you remembered all that.”

“It was what started it all. Of course I do. But now there’s more.” I touched her lip. “Six, how every time you eat something you love, you lick your bottom lip.” I kissed the spot between her eyebrows. “Seven, the way you arch your eyebrow when you can’t find a word in your puzzle. Eight, the way you curl into my side.” I laced my fingers with hers. “Nine, how your hands are always cold, but they are the warmest touch I’ve ever felt.” I laid her back down beside me and leaned down and kissed her.

“And ten. I was so lost. Looking for something to fill the void. But I was always searching and never finding it. Then you knocked on my door and as soon as I settled my eyes on you again, that void vanished. I felt whole again.”

A tear slipped down her cheek, and I brushed it away. “Why are you crying?”

“Because that was beautiful. And number ten.” She bit her lip and nodded, the skin at the bridge of her nose pinching. “I haven’t felt whole in a very long time either. But somehow with you, I do. I don’t know what I would’ve done if I’d lost you.”

“You didn’t. And you never will.”

“Promise?”

I kissed her forehead and pulled back, staring into the blue depths of her eyes. Promises were so easily broken, but I never wanted to disappoint Kat again.

“Always.”

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(NEVER) AGAIN

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I’ve never been bitch slapped. Technically. But after the last few months I can imagine how it feels. If life had hands, its fingers would have imprinted on my cheek.

Two weeks into my first semester at Farmingdale State, I walked into the English building like I always did with my best friend, Sadie, on my right and my boyfriend, Joe, on my left.

Joe’s fingers interlocked with mine, and I leaned my head against his narrow shoulder. When he told me he’d be attending the same college as me I nearly tackled him. It made up for the disappointment of not making it into my dream school.

Sadie strutted beside us, black hair accented by a braided headband, falling in waves on her shoulders. Emerald chandelier earrings that her parents bought her on their last trip to India swayed with each step.

Joe released my hand as we got closer to our group of new and old friends. He needed it free for high fiving and back patting.

Nothing seemed off. The halls were filled with people, their voices no louder than usual, but as we closed in on my Principles of Writing class, I realized there was someone who didn’t belong.

At least not anymore.

He was taller, his arms bigger, his hair not as messy as I remembered, but those dark brown eyes were exactly the same. He was standing against the wall, his t-shirt hugging biceps that were nonexistent last time I saw him, and he was talking to my friends. Some of the same friends we’d shared before he left.

My stomach twisted in knots when over the din of the hallway chaos, I heard his voice. I kept my head up and tried to ignore the fact he was back, but when his head turned towards me, I panicked. Without a single word to either Sadie or Joe, I dove into the girls’ bathroom.

I stared at my reflection in the mirror, shocked to see the tears building. It had been over a year, yet as soon as my eyes settled on him, every emotion I felt a year ago flooded back into me.

“Liz?” Sadie’s voice drifted into the bathroom. Her heels clicked on the tile until she came to a stop beside me. “Oh my God! Did you know Zach was here? Of all places? When did that happen? I mean, I never thought we’d see him again.” She paused and then rested her hand on my shoulder. Her other hand brushed the blond highlights out of my face. “Liz? Are you okay?”

My grip tightened on the sink, my hazel eyes unfocused. It had taken me a long time—too long—to get over Zach, and when I’d finally moved on, he showed up at
my
college, instantly transporting me back to our junior year of high school. I tried to fight the memories from flooding my mind, but it was no use. I was already back to that day on the football field.

I had wondered why I couldn’t be like every other girl drooling over the quarterback. No, my eyes drifted to the boy at his side, the one who handed him the microphone. There was something about him. His curly mess of brown hair, his lanky frame and his size-too-big clothes made quarterback Smith Johnson completely invisible to me.

“Hello?” Sadie snapped her fingers in front of my face, bringing me back to the English building’s girls’ bathroom. “Welcome back. You had me nervous for a second there. I was about to throw water in your face, but I didn’t know if you had on waterproof mascara.”

Prime example of why this girl was my best friend.

“Do you think he saw me?”

“I don’t know. You dove in here so fast, I’d be surprised if he did.”

I nodded, unable to do anything else. The last thing I expected was to see Zach again. For months I had waited to hear his voice or see his face, but I’d finally accepted the fact that he’d probably met someone else and moved on. It had been over a year since he’d left. The summer before senior year of high school was the last time I’d seen Zach in person.

“So, are you going to ask him?”

“Ask him what?” I had nothing to say to him and I sure as hell did not want to see his stupid face.

“Why he stopped calling?”

I flashed my death stare.

“What? You have the right to know why he didn’t have the decency to break up with you.”

I flashed the same look but with a little more intensity. She raised her hands in front of me in surrender, bangles sliding down her wrists. “I’m just saying. It wouldn’t have killed him to pick up the damn phone.”

“Can we just not talk about this?” I turned back to the mirror and massaged my temples, hoping to rid my mind of all things Zach.

Sadie planted her hands firmly on her hips. “Fine, but if you don’t ask him, I will.”

“No!” My hands fell from my head, and I met her gray eyes in the mirror. “Sadie, no, please.”

The gray of her eyes disappeared as they rolled behind her eyelids. She crossed her arms and shook her head. “I watched you cry over him for an entire summer.”

It had been the longest summer of my life, and she’d never left my side. She had even convinced her parents to let her stay with me while they went to India for their yearly visit. She gave up time with her Dida and Dadu for me.

“I know.”

Her head started to do that bobble thing it did. “You can’t mess with my best friend and expect me to let it go.”

“Please, Sadie? I’m over it. I’m with Joe now. Zach means nothing to me.”

Sadie’s eyes settled on mine. “Are you sure? You can finally get the closure you always wanted.”

She was right. I had never gotten closure. Zach and I never officially broke up. I hated life. I was so mad about everything. His dad’s job for taking him away back when we didn’t have a say in where we lived. Him for not calling. My brother who I found out still emailed him about video games.

Everything.

A hard lump formed in my throat, but I pushed the words around it. “I don’t need it anymore.”

She gave me the look, the one that said
I don’t believe you, but I’ll pretend until I can corner you at our apartment
. “You good then?”

I nodded. “I’m good.”

At least I thought I was. It had taken a long time to forget about Zach, but the day had eventually come. Now, just as I thought my life was on a one-way track to happiness, a fork formed in the road, and I found myself hiding in the bathroom like a coward.

At some point between hyperventilating and doing my shake-off dance, I got myself together. But I still needed a pep talk with my reflection and Sadie to drag me out of the bathroom.

When I took my seat in class I checked my cell phone.

Joe: Babe where’d you go?

Me: Sorry. Saw Prof Mulligan, had to ask a question. Committee stuff. Thought I said bye.

So I lied. Big deal. It’s not like Joe really needed to know the truth. He was my boyfriend and I wasn’t hiding anything from him. I wouldn’t.

I tucked my phone back into my bag and focused on the words of my latest assignment. I took a deep breath and assured myself everything was going to be okay. So what if Zach wasn’t halfway across the freaking country anymore? But
why
was Zach back? You know what, it didn’t matter. All that mattered was I was happy and I was with Joe.

Joe made me happy. The way he always held my hand so everyone would know we were together, and how loved and wanted it made me feel. How he knew when I was having a bad day and would find ways to make me laugh. I loved how super excited he got over the simplest things like rolling a strike when we went bowling, or getting to watch his friends’ band play. His excitement was contagious, infecting me and everyone around us. But what I loved most about him,was that he had been there to help pick up the pieces as I clawed my way out of my lowest point.

Zach was my past, and there was no reason to talk to him anyway. I could go on with my life as if he had never come back. Nothing had to change. It was a big campus. And I didn’t live in the dorms.

My plan would have worked. It was a good plan.

Life had a different plan.

***

As soon as I looked back to Professor Schneider, there was Zach, tight t-shirt and all, standing at the front of the classroom and scanning the room.

Zach talked with the professor for a moment and then pointed to me and the empty seat beside me. He might as well have pointed a gun. My hands clammed up, my heart raced—I was as good as dead.

The way he strutted over annoyed me most. This new confidence made him seem arrogant, as if I’d been waiting for this moment from the minute he left. Yeah right.

Zach slid into the desk and leaned towards me, but unfortunately, I had nowhere to go. I raised my hand to block my view of him and turned my body away. If I turned any more, I would have looked like I was sent to sit in time-out. I felt like a vise was gripping my heart.

“Hey, Lizzie,” he said. Just like that. Like we were old-time buds, and he’d never broken my heart. And he called me Lizzie! No one called me that. He was the only person who ever called me Lizzie and just hearing it again caused the vise to tighten.

“That’s not my name!” I snapped.

Zach shot his hand up in defense. “Whoa. Down, girl.”

Professor Schneider began class, but Zach didn’t move away. His attention stayed focused on me.

He tilted his head, a dark eyebrow arched. “I’m sorry. Liz?”

After all that time I was still a sucker when it came to him. I gave in and turned to see what else he had to say.

“I just . . . I just don’t want things to be weird between us.”

“They aren’t!” I didn’t think I could sound so nasty whispering, but mission accomplished.

The guy in front of us turned, a finger over his lips, and shushed us. Zach raised an apologetic hand and the guy turned back in his chair. You’d think that would be enough to shut Zach up, but it only made him move closer. I hated the fact I liked his cologne. And as much as I didn’t want it to, my body betrayed me, responding to his scent, his closeness, but I’d be damned if I gave in to the desire to be closer to him. I hated him. He hurt me. And even if my hormones were willing to forget, my mind wasn’t.

“Oh, come on. I saw you dive into the bathroom earlier.” His voice softened.

He saw me. Shit!

“No, I didn’t.” I folded my arms, trying not to notice him. It was impossible. I could sense him staring at me, waiting for me to turn so he could tell if I was lying or not.

So many things were different. So much time was between us. I wasn’t the same girl as I was a year ago. I was in college now, living on my own. But my lip still twitched when I lied. I had attempted to control it to no avail. It was as if my mouth tried to stop me from letting the lie out.

If I looked at Zach now, he would make me repeat myself and my lip would betray me. I didn’t want him to know he had any effect on me. I didn’t want him back in my life.

“Fine. I guess I was mistaken,” he said as he moved his desk away.

“Yeah, I guess so.”

Zach didn’t talk to me for the rest of the class. Which I was fine with, though, I still felt as if he was looking at me, and it made me uncomfortable. Of course he came back into my life the day my outfit sucked and I just threw my hair into a messy ponytail. Damn Sadie for making me go to that frat party last night. Though the blond highlights I’d recently gotten made it look a little more stylish.

I had overslept too. I never overslept. Even after a night of partying. I should have known then that today was going to royally suck.

The professor couldn’t end class fast enough.

After Zach’s comment about my bathroom dash, I didn’t want to prove him right. So instead of high-tailing it out of class as I so desperately wanted to, I took my time getting ready to leave.

My entire body, mind and soul were trying to race me out the door, but I slowly put my books in my bag and when at least four people had left, I began my exit. I didn’t realize that he had started walking simultaneously until we both tried to walk through the doorway at the same time. With his much bigger build, it wasn’t happening.

“Excuse me,” I said and pushed by. In the hallway the air was lighter. I breathed again.

“Liz, wait up,” he called.

Zach didn’t get it. I wanted nothing to do with him. We were over and I had no intention of becoming friends. He had hurt me and just looking at him was a painful reminder of that.

I speed-walked towards Joe’s and my meeting spot because we always walked to my second class together before he headed home, and there was no way I was walking with my current boyfriend on one side and my ex on the other.

“Liz, come on.” Zach grabbed my arm. Warmth rushed over my skin as he pulled me into a doorway. I hated that his hand on my arm made me feel anything at all. “Can’t we just talk?”

For a second I stared into his familiar eyes, a moment from the past frozen in time. Then my glance fell, moving over the skin that was no longer baby soft, but now showed signs of dark stubble.

“What is there to talk about, Zach?” I asked, taking my eyes from the strong lines of his jaw.

He dipped his hands into his pockets and leaned against the wall. It was his signature pose. At least not everything about him changed.

“I don’t know like, how are you? How’s your family? How’s life in general?” He moved closer. My heartbeat pounded out of control and the vise grip on it tightened again. I stepped back, breathing erratically, trying to suck air into my lungs, but it only gave me a better view of his lips. I remembered those lips and how they felt pressed against mine. And even though I resisted the memory, my mind drifted back to our first kiss.

***

It was late afternoon, junior year of high school. The sun had already begun its descent into the horizon and we were hanging on the monkey bars. Zach had come up with the great idea to race. On the count of three we were off, laughing as we collided in the middle. We were hanging close enough to one another that our legs kept touching.

Zach let go first and I followed him. His hands grabbed my sides to steady me as I dropped, and I glanced up to say thanks when he kissed me.

His lips brushed against mine, soft and sweet. I relaxed into his body, wanting to be as close to him as possible. Warmth spread through my cheeks as his hands cupped my face. I had been kissed before, but it was nothing compared to this.

My body had never reacted to any other kiss the way it had to Zach’s. Pulse racing out of control, blood rushing out of my head, shooting through the rest of my body, leaving me light-headed, tingly, completely exhilarated. No. Nothing compared to it.

Not even close.

***

Tears pricked at my eyes as I thought of how much of a fool I had been to think Zach and I would be forever. I shook my head and swallowed down the pain.

“I’m good. Life’s great. I have a boyfriend and I couldn’t be happier. You might remember him, Joe Resnick? My family is great. That about covers it. Are we through here?”

“Lizzie,” he said, and I shot daggers at him with my eyes. “I mean Liz. Sorry. Don’t you even want to know why I’m here?” My gaze went swiftly to his. I ignored the deep, dark intensity that used to make me weak at the knees and gave him a simple answer.

“No.”

The way his body flinched away from me, you would have thought I’d spit in his face. “You’re not the same person anymore, are you?” A sadness crept into his eyes. He ran his fingers through his hair, revealing the scar above his left eyebrow. The scar he told me he’d gotten chasing his cousin around a bench at the mall. He’d tripped and smacked his head on the corner of the seat on the way down.

He might have had the same scar, but he was right, I wasn’t the same person anymore and neither was he. I needed to get out of there. I needed to just get away from him.

“No, I’m not. Now if you’ll excuse me, my boyfriend is waiting.”