Origin (9 page)

Confusion muddied my already buzzing thoughts. “I may be rusty, or even completely inexperienced to be honest, but I can recognize what’s between you two. I’m not blind or deaf. I can even smell it on you.”

“Really.” He watched me for what seemed like a long time, then slid his heels back, came up and over to crawl across the cushions toward me. “What is it you smell?”

“Desire,” I whispered, my heart racing.

“That’s funny,” he said, barely raising his voice as he stopped less than a foot from my face. “I think maybe it’s your own desire you’re scenting. Gwinarians and their pheromones—it’s a potent combination.”

“Pheromones?”

He shook his head slowly. “You have so much to learn about your people. Whenever a Gwinarian feels true desire for someone they release a scent into the air. Most humans can barely detect it. And because Gwinarians are the most wonderfully sexual race I’ve ever had the pleasure to know, sometimes those Kithran tubes would be filled with scents.”

“How come you could smell them when others couldn’t?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. My brother is the same way. We were both drawn to your planet and I always wondered if the stories taught about the origins of our races were true. That we all came from the same place far in the past. Maybe something survived in the humans from Earth—something that makes us connect to Gwinarians on a deeper level. Like to like.”

“It’s a nice belief.” I smiled.

He cleared his throat, leaned forward. “Siri, do you know that you’re releasing your own personal scent right now?”

“I am?” And again, embarrassment flowed through me and made me want to pull the Dranellian blanket over my head. “You and Anders both have this strange ability to make me forget that I hate sex.”

“Do you? Do you really? Because I’m pretty sure I heard you enjoying something the other day in Anders’s bunkroom.”

This time I groaned, set the vidscreen beside me and pulled the blanket over my head.

His chuckles filtered through the blanket and grew louder as he moved closer. I felt the gentle brush of his hand on my leg.

“You’re trying to change the subject,” I said from under the blanket.

He tugged the blanket down, winked at me.

I tried so hard not to let the fear racing up my body show in my face, but I must have failed because he went still, the glow from my vidscreen putting the change in his expression into stark relief.

He sighed, then moved back to the other side of the window seat. He stretched out his legs and crossed his booted feet at the ankles. “Want to share a little of that wine?”

I had tubes in holders on the small wall attachment I’d brought in here last week. Handing him one of the tubes, I thought about how to stop the painful discomfort I felt whenever anyone got too close. I’d managed to drop it a couple of times with Anders. Okay, dropped it big time with Anders once, and why the bigger man made me feel safer was anyone’s guess. And it wasn’t as if I thought Clay would hurt me. No, the man would never do anything he thought I didn’t want, but something about him made my palms sweat, made me want to clench all my inner feminine muscles, and I honestly didn’t know how to handle it.

While what Anders raised in me was strong and passionate, it had a gentler feel to it. I had a feeling I’d go up in smoke if Clay touched me, and the intensity of it scared me to death. But I didn’t want to hurt his feelings either. He’d been so good to take me onto his ship. “I’m sorry.”

“Sweetheart, you have nothing to be sorry for.” He took a sip of wine and let out a lusty sigh of pleasure that had me squirming again.

“Anders calls me that,” I blurted out, grabbing another tube of wine just to have something to do with my hands.

“You are very, very sweet.” He tilted his head, watched me. “I’ve noticed he’s the one person on the ship you seem to want to be around.”

I shook my head. “No, he isn’t. I like everyone so far. Well, Lia frightens me a little and so does Juniper, but no, everyone seems nice.”

“Anders the most?”

“It’s hard to explain. He makes me feel safe.”

Clay chuckled. “How amusing it is that you find the biggest slut on the ship the safest.”

I didn’t know how to respond to that, except to frown. I wasn’t familiar with the word but it sounded derogatory…cruel.

He sighed, cradled the tube of wine between both hands. “Apologies. He’s not a slut. It was just there was a time Anders would fall into bed with anyone and anything. You never knew what to expect when you walked into his room. Seems that hasn’t changed after all.”

The disappointment lacing his tone clawed into my gut. “Oh no, what you think didn’t happen. He didn’t have sex with me.”

His rueful smile didn’t make me feel any better. “I do know the sounds of sex even if it’s been a while for me.”

I shook my head, hard, then scrambled up onto my knees a couple of feet closer to him. “No, it wasn’t like that.” I bit my lip, my face and neck so hot I thought I might pass out. “He didn’t do anything. He…he, um…he helped me.”

“I’m sure he did. Sounded very helpful.” He grinned like he was trying to take the sting out of the words, but failed. It was still there, still painfully sharp.

I sucked in a deep breath, moved toward him another couple of inches so I could get this out when I could barely raise my voice above a whisper. “His pants never came off. Neither did mine. And it was all my idea. Like I said, he makes me feel safe, so I asked him to help me. He only kissed me back and held me, I promise.”

“Siri, neither you nor Anders owe me any sort of explanation.”

“That’s where you’re wrong. Please understand, I shouldn’t have asked that of him. He was so sweet when he realized I’d never…I’d never—” I broke off, sure that actual fire had broken out on my skin. “He helped me. That’s all.”

Hoping that sadness would be gone from his expression, I peeked up at him to find him staring hard at me.

“You’d never come. Is that it?”

I shook my head.

“Ah,” he breathed. “Can’t imagine Anders would resist that sort of challenge. But I meant it, you owe me no explanations.”

“That’s just it. I sort of did it all to myself. I used him.”

His laughter held a note of something that helped chase away the ugly shame I was feeling. “Trust me, he wanted to be used. He’s on this silly self-imposed celibacy thing to make a point. A point I didn’t ask for.”

I really, really wanted to know what was behind the pain in his words and had to fight with the years of being told to keep silent. Curiosity won because for reasons I couldn’t understand, it felt like the two men belonged together. “I know he wants you.”

“Trust me, I’m quite aware.”

“So you don’t return the feelings?”

“Nosy, aren’t you?”

I chewed on my bottom lip, looked back into the endless expanse of space outside the ship. “Anders told me you’re nosy, so I didn’t think you’d mind. Plus, you didn’t answer my question.” I grinned.

He caught his breath and the heat that flared in his eyes made me take a gulp of wine even though I’d planned to only hold this tube.

“Lady, you should smile all the time.”

“And you still aren’t answering my question.”

“I can see why you and Anders get along so well.” He looked back outside and murmured, “What was it? ‘The stars are beautiful, but can’t take part in our lives. Instead, they look on forever.’” A sadness filled Clay’s eyes and I had to fight another urge—this one to crawl across that space toward him.

I knew the captain would hate knowing I could see his vulnerability in that moment, so I followed his gaze. “That’s from the Peter Pan stories.” I touched the cool surface of the window, looked back at him.

He was nodding. “Yes, there is something between Anders and me, but it’s more complicated than I know how to put into words. Maybe when I know you a little better. When you’re as comfortable with me as you are with the big guy.”

“Oh, he makes me nervous too when it comes to…” I trailed off, glared at the wine and set it back into the holder on the wall attachment. “This stuff tastes too good to be so evil.”

“Just promise me that you’ll give me one dinner with you and Anders and that wine.”

“Okay, I promise. I owe you so much more than that.” I brought my legs up and wrapped my arms around my blanket-covered knees. “I’m sorry I used him like that. I shouldn’t have approached him, not when you two saved me from Lashin.”

“Siri, you owe me nothing. Anyone would have pulled you out of that situation.”

I shook my head and blinked back the sudden tears that burned my eyes. Tightening my arms around my legs, I had to look away from his intense blue gaze.

“What?” he whispered. “What are you thinking?”

I took a deep, shuddering breath then managed to bring myself to meet his eyes. “That’s just it. I was there fourteen years. Hundreds of people came in and out of my owners’ rooms and only two of them ever tried to help me. Three, if you count another slave.”

“Tell me.”

“The owners had what they called handlers. The people who brought us back and forth to the rooms or dinners—the ones who made sure nobody touched what they weren’t supposed to. Most of them were just as bad as the owners, but there was one man who hated what he was doing. It got worse when this slave named Bastian was brought in.” The pain that filled my chest as I allowed myself to think of that young man nearly stole all my words. It took me long moments of struggle, but I brought myself under control and shared the worst thing that had ever happened to me. “Bastian was like nobody I’d ever met. A Gwinarian like me, tall and so unbelievably beautiful he made your heart sing. My owner wasn’t attracted to women…” I trailed off, remembering the few humiliating times he’d tried to mount me.

“Why did he keep you then?”

“He liked beautiful things and he liked Gwinarians. He may not have been able to enjoy my body in the ways he’d planned, but he took a lot of pleasure in having me there as decoration. And sharing me.” I changed my mind about the wine and reached for it. I took a sip, loving the burst of sweet in my throat, deciding not to worry about what it made me say because the story I was sharing was worse than anything else. “My owner loved Bastian and could do anything and everything he wanted to him. He kept him chained to a wall and took his pleasure over and over. He’d make me watch sometimes. Bring others in to share us both. He knew…he knew it killed me to see that young man hurt. And because my owner liked giving pain while taking his pleasure, Bastian’s year on the ship became nothing more than torture.”

“Fuck, Siri.” Clay cleared his throat. “I agree he’s something special. I didn’t know Bastian had gone through that.”

My head snapped up. “What? What do you mean? Did you know him from before? He told me he’d been a slave in a bad sector and the only reason he was with my owner was the man had promised to take him home. I didn’t even know he meant Kithra. No one told me my home was being rebuilt.”

“I met Bastian not too long ago.” Clay shifted and his body language sent alarm through me.

“You could not have met my friend.”

“Friend?”

“The only friend I’ve ever had. That I remember anyway. I do have vague memories of some from Kithra, but I blocked those memories when my owner decided it was fun to show me the images of Kithra’s explosions over and over.”

Clay sat up. “It is your Bastian. How do you think we found out where Para Lashin was?”

The sobs that shot up through my chest and into my throat were so huge and raw, they ripped me up. I couldn’t stop them as they spilled from my mouth, made it impossible for me to breathe. I gasped and grabbed my throat.

Alarmed, Clay crawled fast to me and pulled me into his lap. He wrapped strong arms around me and tucked me in close.

Forgetting my fear, I buried my face in his neck as I had Anders. I tried to breathe. “You don’t understand,” I whispered. “It couldn’t be my Bastian because he’s dead. The handler, the nice one I told you about? He couldn’t take what was happening to Bastian and had planned to get both of us off that ship. When my owner found out, he killed them both. He told me.” I gave up trying not to cry and let the sobs loose. They shook me, bounced me into Clay’s body.

“Lashin lied to you, sweetheart. That handler did get the young man off the ship and back to Kithra. I can prove it to you if you’d like.”

I lifted my head, sniffed, and realized my arms were tight around the captain. “Please. Show me.”

“Let’s take another moment to calm down.” He pushed my head back to his shoulder. “I need a little more time with you in my arms. Not sure I remember the last time something felt so nice.”

“It does.” My voice was hardly above silent. “Feel nice.” I sat still, let his body heat seep into me and realized that not only did the captain make me feel nervous—make me want to do things I’d never expected to want—he and Anders had another thing in common. I knew he’d like knowing, so without lifting my face from his neck, I whispered. “Seems you make me feel safe too.”

His arms tightened. He pressed his lips to my forehead. “Siri, you have no idea just how dangerous you are.”