Out of Grief (17 page)

My mother usually brewed Prince Vladimir tea for company, served with stewed cherries to sweeten it. But today, for Mrs. Warren, it was a run of the mill English breakfast tea, I was certain.

Mrs. Warren took the cup and stared at my mother. “Tea? Now? Are you crazy?”

“No. But you are, if you think you are going to sit in my home and insult my daughter.”

“Nothing can be done until we come to some understanding,” my father added, and motioned to the chair behind Mrs. Warren.

“There’s nothing to discuss. We have a family plot and Quinn will be buried there after the viewing.”

I was trying to take a page out of my mother’s book and remain calm. “Why?” I asked.

She looked at me. “What do you mean ‘why?’”

“I mean, why would you do something she didn’t want?”

“You don’t know what my daughter wanted.” She spat each word with such animosity that Sofia began to stir.

“Shhh.” I kissed the top of her head, and made circles on the small of her back. “I know a lot about what your daughter wanted and liked.” I drew the last word out for emphasis.

Mrs. Warren locked eyes with me. If her eyes were phasers, they would have been set on ‘kill’.

“And that makes you crazy, I know,” I pointed out. “But if you truly loved her, you would let her be buried the way she wanted to. And that was to be cremated, without a viewing.”

“Absolutely not. That is not what she was raised to believe.”

“It’s what she wanted, Mrs. Warren.”

“I am her mother, I think I know what she wanted better than you do.”

“And I’m her wife.”

“Don’t say that.” She slammed her teacup down and my mother’s fine china shattered, spilling the liquid onto the Persian carpet and waking Sofia, who began to wail.

“That’s enough!” my father said.

“Easy, Sofia. Everything’s okay, Mommy’s here.” I rocked her, trying to soothe her, as I tried to talk myself out of choking the life out of Quinn’s mother, which by the sounds of Sofia’s continued cries was a losing battle.

“And you.” She pointed at me. Actually took her finger and pointed. “Are NOT that child’s mother.” She stood up and approached me. “In fact, you need to give me my granddaughter, right now!” She moved to snatch Sofia out of my arms.

My father stood between us. “I will have my attorney send you a copy of the marriage certificate, which is legal in this state now, I might add. And we will let you know what arrangements are made. In the future, if at some point you mature and can act out of love, as God asks all of us to do, then perhaps you can see your grandchild.”

“Don’t you dare bring God into this, Dmitri. Your daughter is a pervert, and a sinner in the eyes of the Lord, and she corrupted my Quinn. And it will be a cold day in Hell before I let her raise my granddaughter. You mark my words.”

“Then it sounds like you should buy a parka,” my mother said, moving next to my father. “But I doubt even the heaviest of wool could melt your heart.”

I moved next to my mother. I had never loved her more than in that moment, and I needed her to know it. I gently squeezed her hand, and mouthed, “Thank you.”

“Why, I …”

“Perhaps that is your problem, Cynthia,” my father said as he ushered her to the door.

Chapter Thirty-Seven

“Nikita,” my mother called. “Katarina is here to see you.”

Kat was in the room before I could stand. She wrapped her arms around me, and gave me a sideways hug, careful to not crush Sofia. “I am so sorry, Nik.”

I was trying not to fall apart, a simple “thanks” was all I could manage.

“I also can’t believe you didn’t call me the minute it happened.”

“Hands full here,” I said, pointing to Sofia.

“So this is the munchkin, huh?” Kat looked her over. “Wow, she looks just like her.”

Kat never liked babies much, so I knew I wouldn’t have to worry about fighting her off, or insulting her by not letting her hold Sofia. Instead she sat on the couch opposite me.

“So your dad says that Quinn’s mother is causing problems. How can I help?”

“Aside from having her killed?”

“As much as I get the inclination, probably not the solution we’re looking for here. Besides, the munchkin needs you on the outside, and orange is definitely not your color, my friend.”

“I don’t know why she can’t just let me honor Quinn’s wishes. Why she has to be so difficult. I mean it’s not what she wanted, Kat. She told me. She didn’t want to be laid out for people to parade by, spewing ridiculous comments, like ’doesn’t she look good?’ There has to be a way to make this madness stop. I mean, we’re legally married for Christ’s sake.”

“Yes, and you have a certificate to prove it. So that will help. But you weren’t married that long, and her mother will try to say the marriage wasn’t real.”

“She can say whatever she wants. It was real.”

“That’s not the worst, Nikki.”

“What do you mean?”

“When your dad explained the situation, I contacted her, and she referred me to her attorney. She’s filing for full custody of Sofia.”

“She can’t do that.” I looked down at my daughter, asleep in her sling. She hadn’t been apart from me in the four days since Quinn’s death. “What kind of monster is she?”

“She’s claiming that you are a bad influence and unfit parental material.”

“Because she’s the paragon of parenthood. That woman is a cold, manipulative bitch, who made her daughter feel like she couldn’t be who she truly was. How is that a good environment for my child to be raised in?”

“I get all that, Nikki. But we’d have to prove it, somehow.”

I didn’t like Kat’s tone. She was sounding defeated, and that was not a good sign. I paced my father’s den, like a caged animal would. If I could go away from all of this, I would. But the only people in the world that still loved me were here in this house, and I couldn’t leave them. “Tell me she can’t do this. Tell me you can fight this.”

“Of course we’re going to fight, Nikki. It’s all so new, and I just don’t …”

“No.” I slapped my hand over her mouth. “No, no, no! Do not say that she can get away with this. I will run. I will go so far away from here that she will never find me.”

Kat took my hand and squeezed it. “Okay, we’re not doing anything rash right now. We’re going to fight one battle at a time. First the cremation.”

“For now, we push the cremation through because we have all the legal documentation. But I think it’s only going to fuel your mother-in-law in her quest to destroy you. Which we both know is what this is about.”

“There is no way I’m letting that monster raise Quinn’s child. I could never look myself in the mirror again. And there is no way I’m dishonoring her memory by sending her off in a fashion she found barbaric.”

“I know. I’ve talked to your parents, and they’ve already agreed to pay…”

“Kat, this is my fight. Not theirs.”

“Nikki, they’re your parents, and they want to help you. Please let them. Plus, it shows the court you come from a loving family. Your father is respected in his field. Your mother has been nothing but a force in all the charities she serves. We need all the help we can get right now.”

She was right. They were great parents. And after my mother’s performance earlier, I had a whole new appreciation for her. But still, I wasn’t a minor. I was an adult, for God’s sake. I looked at Kat. “It’s because I’m gay, right? So I can’t possibly be fit?”

“You know that’s the argument she’s going for. Not to mention that, before you, Quinn’s relationships were all with men.”

Wow, that was a bit below the belt. I stopped to look at her.

She quickly squeezed my hand. “I didn’t say that to hurt you. But Mrs. Warren and her legal team will. Hey, I know Quinn loved you.” Kat pulled a manila envelope out of her briefcase. “This is her Last Will and Testament.”

“She had a will?”

“Made me keep it a secret. She knew you’d be weird about it. She approached me before the wedding. She wanted to make sure everything was okay if anything happened to her. She wanted to make sure that you had sole custody. Plus, apparently, she had a little bit of money from Stephen. That’s all in a trust for Sofia.”

“So we’re good?”

“It’s all rock solid, Nikki. But you know Quinn’s mom has money, and who knows who she’ll hire, or what judge we’ll get. I don’t want to oversell this. I think we’ll be okay. But it couldn’t hurt to say a few prayers.”

Sofia began to shift around. Soon she would need to be changed. And then, once she was clean, we could sit in my father’s recliner, and she could take a nap. It was making my mother crazy that I couldn’t let her go. But they had to understand it had nothing to do with trust. I just wasn’t ready.

“Oh, I almost forgot.” Kat pulled an envelope out of her bag. “Quinn left you this.”

“What is it?”

“Looks like a letter to me.”

“I mean—“

“I don’t know what it says; it’s addressed to you.”

I took the letter. “Okay. If it’s anything important, I’ll let you know.”

Chapter Thirty-Eight

Doctor Dean came highly recommended by my father. She was a bit younger than he was, with a kindly maternal quality, and a gentle smile. Still I couldn’t find my voice, sitting on her couch. I buried my face in Sofia’s head, and smelled that scent people rave about new babies having. The one I thought they were crazy for talking about before she was born. Sofia slept, her head resting against my breast, as I adjusted the sling around her.

“Nikita the only way this works is if you talk to me.”

“I know.”

“I see that you brought the baby.”

“Her name is Sofia, and I didn’t have anyone to leave her with.”

“So no support system?”

I couldn’t throw my parents under the bus like that, not after all that they had done for me. “Okay, so that’s not true. I didn’t want to be away from her, or let her out of my sight.”

“Have you been away from her at all?”

“No.”

“Do you know why that is?”

“What do you want me to say?” I asked.

Doctor Dean just raised her eyebrows in anticipation.

“That I’m afraid of losing her too? Fine. I’m afraid of losing her too.”

“Okay, why don’t we start at the beginning?” she suggested. “Why don’t you tell me what happened. Why you’re here.”

“My father told you why I’m here.”

“He did, but I want to hear it from you.”

Of course you do.
I took a deep breath. “Okay.” But it wasn’t that easy to say why I was there. “If I say it aloud, it becomes too real,” I confessed.

“It is real, Nikita.”

“Please call me Nikki. Only my mom calls me Nikita, and it drives me crazy.”

She made a note in my chart before saying, “Okay, Nikki.”

“I’m here because the love of my life died. There, I said it; happy?”

“No. I’m sorry for your loss. Truly. Can you tell me how she died?”

“It’s not enough to tell you she died?”

“I think it would help us both if you talked about what happened.”

“I … well I … wow.”

“Take your time, there’s no hurry.”

Sofia stirred, moving her head slightly to the side, and murmuring. She was lovely, more so now than the day she was born, but even covered in blood and mucus, she had been a sight. “Okay, so, um, you know how some days are supposed to be the happiest days of your life?” I didn’t wait for an answer. “And maybe they start out that way and everything’s good, and then in a matter of seconds, it’s not good any more…. Oh God, Sofia was born, and it was good, and we were happy. She was so small and perfect and beautiful, and then Quinn couldn’t breathe, and I called the nurse, and in a matter of minutes she was gone. So before it even began, she was gone.” I heard my voice crack, and took a deep breath.

“It’s okay.”

“So, that’s what happened. They said it was a pulmonary embolism, it happens, sometimes. They can’t predict it….”

“And why are you here?”

“Why am I here? What do you mean why am I here? I’m here to deal with it. I’m here to figure out what the fuck to do with my life. I have a baby to raise by myself now …”

“And how do you feel about her?”

I couldn’t stop looking at her. I hadn’t been able to put her down since the moment Quinn left me. “She’s perfect. She looks just like Quinn. Sometimes that’s hard, and sometimes that’s the only thing that keeps me going. Is that weird?”

“Not at all.”

“I don’t know what you want me to tell you. I mean it’s not like we planned this, or … wow, this must be how straight people feel.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“I mean all my gay friends that have children, they planned them, thought about them, picked out a donor or a surrogate, but Quinn was pregnant, it wasn’t planned, or expected. Her husband killed himself. He didn’t even know she was pregnant. She didn’t even know until a month or so after. It just happened, and then we happened, and she said she needed me. She couldn’t do this without me. All I ever wanted was to be with Quinn, for Quinn to love me like I loved her. And she did, she really did. She even made me marry her to prove how serious she was about me, about us, and Sofia. And now she’s gone, and I’m supposed to do it without her. How the fuck am I supposed to do it without her? It’s not fair!”