Out of Grief (20 page)

And then the words came tumbling out so quickly I had to focus to hear what she was saying. “He said that you weren’t my real Mom. He said my real Mom was dead, and you and my Mom did nasty things, and I should go live with a real Mom and Dad.” She sniffed, and wiped her nose on her sleeve. I didn’t have the heart to stop her. “I don’t want to live with anyone but you. You are my Mom.” She threw her arms around my neck and clung to me.

She was trembling, as she sobbed. I tried to soothe her, rubbing tiny circles on her back, and whispering platitudes. But I was struggling to figure out how I was going to sit in a room with the bigoted assholes that raised that ignorant boy, and keep my composure.

When she was calm enough to hear me, I set her back on the bench, took her face in my hands and wiped the tears away with my thumbs. Every day she looked more and more like Quinn, and yet despite not having a single one of my genes, she was as precocious as I was at the age. At least that’s what my mother kept telling me. “No one is taking you anywhere, Pumpkin. So you don’t need to worry about that. I’m your Mom.”

“But…”

I touched my finger to her lip. “Nothing can change that. Your Momma wanted you and I to be together even if she couldn’t be with us. So you are stuck with me. “ I kissed her on the forehead. “I know you were angry with him, but striking out is never the answer. Do you understand?”

She shook her head despite the skeptical look on her face.

“We’re here.” A twenty-something, Malibu Barbie-doll look alike came rushing into the room. Though how she didn’t trip in those heels, I would never know. Her husband was not far behind. Amazingly he looked like a very dapper Ken, in his designer suit, and spit shined shoes. They began fussing over the boy, but before they could get any information out of him, the door to the principal’s office flew open and the secretary said, “Principal Walters, will see you now.”

We were all ushered into the office. Despite the large size, the office felt cramped from all the anxiety in the room. I sat, and pulled Sofia up on to my lap. Barbie and Ken sat with their son standing in between the two. I had only met Principal Walters once on our entrance interview. She seemed like an intelligent and fair woman. But I supposed time would tell.

She pushed the last of the papers she was signing to the side, and looked up, sweeping a stray red lock out of her eyes. “Ms.
Kasianenko
, Mr. and Mrs. Beaver, Sofia and Warren, you know why you have been called here?”

“All we were told was that Warren was in a fight.” Mr. Beaver said. “Please tell me that this little girl didn’t bloody my son’s nose like this.”

“What kind of girl would do that?” Barbie looked equally horrified.

I bit my tongue. What would Quinn do? I kept the silent mantra running through my mind, to try and stay calm, as I often did when I felt out of my depth with Sofia.

Principal Walters looked directly at Sofia. “Do you have anything to say for yourself, Sofia?”

Sofia just crossed her arms, and starred at Warren again.

“What do we say when we do something wrong?” I asked her.

“I’m sorry.”

“Ms.
Kasianenko, you have to understand that we have a zero tolerance policy here. Sofia will have to be suspended for three days.”

“We want her expelled.” Mrs. Beaver shouted.

“That’s a bit extreme, don’t you think?” I said before I could filter.

“Clearly your daughter is a bully. Look at my Warren’s nose. It’s probably broken.”

Principal Walters said, “I can assure you Mr. and Mrs. Beaver, our school nurse checked Warren out. His nose is not broken.”

“But there was so much blood.” Barbie pointed out, as the blood clearly had ruined his Spiderman t-shirt.

“That can happen in a trauma.” Principal Walters said calmly.

“Okay, I accept that Sofia should not have punched, Warren.” I said. “And you can be sure that there will be consequences for that at home. But, what I would like to know is what is Warren’s punishment?”

“Punishment!” Barbie screeched. “He didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I’m not sure what you are referring to, Ms.
Kasianenko?”

“Sofia is not prone to fits of violence. Warren was bullying her, and she stood her ground. So what is your policy on bullying?”

“Let me get this straight.” Ken began, “your daughter hit our son, and our son is the bully.”

“Warren,” Principal Walters jumped in, “why do you think Sofia hit you?”

Warren looked at his beat up chucks, and mumbled, “I don’t know.”

“Okay, let me rephrase the question. What did you say to Sofia prior to her hitting you?”

Warren refused to say anything.

“Sofia, can you tell us what Warren said to you?”

Sofia blurted out verbatim what she told me when I asked, and I watched the principal cringe, while the Beavers seemed unfazed.

“Warren, is that true?”

“I guess so.”

“You guess, or you know?” Principal Walters asked.

“Well, he didn’t say anything that wasn’t true.” Barbie said.

I took a deep breath, before Warren wasn’t the only one bleeding in the room, and said, “Are you kidding me?”

“She told the class her Momma died when she was a baby.” Warren chimed in. “So if her Momma died, then you aren’t her real Mom!”

Sofia jumped off my lap. “She is too my real Mom!”

I caught her around the waist, and pulled her back before she could hit him again.

“Everyone stop!” Principal Walters stood, and straightened her blazer. “Mr. and Mrs. Beaver, whatever assumptions you may have made about Ms. Kasianenko, and passed on to Warren, are not my concern right now. However, the actions of my students are.”

“There are no assumptions, Principal Walters,” Ken said. “We know exactly who Ms.” He drew the word out like it was an abomination on its own. “Kasianenko is. Her books are available on the internet.”

“Yes, let’s clear it all up. I’m gay. I was married to Sofia’s mother, and I lost her in childbirth. I lost the love of my life. But I was lucky enough to be blessed with Sofia. And all of that is neither here nor there in this day and age. There are many incarnations of a family, and to tell a child that the person caring for them in every aspect of the word is not their parent is cruel. While I do not condone violence, I have to say, after meeting the two of you, I am inclined to understand why Sofia tagged your son.”

“Okay, before this gets out of hand. I am just going to say, again, Ms. Kasianenko, I apologize, but as I said before we have a zero tolerance policy. So I will have to suspend Sofia for 3 days.”

“Ha!” Barbie cried out.

“I’m not finished.” She turned to Mr. and Mrs. Beaver. What your son said to Sofia is unacceptable.”

“What?”

Before Barbie could go any further, the principal cut her off. “While I cannot dictate what you teach in your home. Here, we teach tolerance and compassion. We cannot have a zero tolerance policy on fighting without trying to teach our students these basic tools. So I will be suspending them both.”

“We will take this to the school board.” Ken said standing up and buttoning his jacket for effect.

“You are free to do what you feel you need to, Mr. Beaver. But I can assure you in my tenure here as principal, the school board has always backed me up.”

“Well, we’ll see about that.” He ushered his family quickly to the door and slammed it behind him.

“Well that went well.” Principal Walters said falling back into her chair before realizing that we were still in the room. She looked up at me.

Before she could speak, I said. “No worries. It’s clear that they have no clue.” I took Sofia by the hand, “Come on, Pumpkin, time to go home and face the music.”

“If it’s any consolation. The school board is looking at revising the policy. Not that it helps you now.”

Once we were out in the hallway, I sat Sofia on a bench. There would be no homework given that it was kindergarten, but I just needed a moment to decompress. “Do you understand what happened in there?”

“I shouldn’t have hit him. But, Mom…”

“Don’t ‘but, Mom’ me. We have talked about this. I wish it wasn’t this way, Pumpkin. Honest I do. But not everyone will like and or accept us. But that doesn’t mean we have to sink to their level.”

I saw the tears forming in Sofia’s eyes. Pulling her into my lap, I put my arms around her and held her close, so my head rested on top of hers. Not seeing her tears helped me to focus better. “I understand that you felt like you were protecting me, Sofia. But I don’t need your protection. I am the one who is supposed to protect you, Pumpkin. Do you understand?”

I felt her head bob slightly under mine. “We all have bad days. Let’s just chalk this up to one of them. And we make mistakes to learn from them. Do you know what your mistake was?”

“I shouldn’t have hit him.”

“Because?”

“He made me mad.”

“Right.”

She bent her head back in an attempt to see me. “Dedushka said that you fought when Mamma was threatened. How was that right?”

Why on earth would he have told her that? Add that to the list of things I need to figure out.
“Someone was going to hurt her physically. I didn’t fight so much as try and protect her.”

“So protection is okay?”

“I can only tell you what I believe. And, I believe that if someone is physically threatening you or someone you love, and you cannot get away from that person then you should protect yourself. But this is a complicated subject, Pumpkin. So why don’t we talk about it more in your three days at home? Which we will spend learning something new.”

I set Sofia down and stood to take her hand, but had to let go, as a woman racing down the hall tripped over my foot. I reached out to catch her before she hit the floor. Two bloody noses in one day would have not been a good thing. I managed to grab her, but the pile of clothes she was carrying scattered across the floor.

“Oh, wow. I’m so sorry. I wasn’t looking. I was…” She stopped, as her eyes met mine, “Nikki?”

“
Emily. What are you doing here?” I made sure she was on sure footing, before letting go.

“My sister had to work late she called me to bring in the costumes she’s been working on for the pageant they’re having. I was just running a bit late.”

Sofia picked up one of the knight’s costumes and held it up to herself. “Look, Mama, I’m a knight.”

“And a dashing one at that.” Emily said, as she gathered the other costumes. I bent down to help her.

“These are lovely. Did you make them?” I asked, admiring the stitching.

“My sister did. She’s a designer.” Emily held out her arms and I placed the costumes in them.

“Sofia.” I held out my hand for the tiny suit of armor, stitched to look like it was metal.

“This is your daughter?” Emily asked.

“Sofia. She seems rather taken with the costume.” I bent down, “Pumpkin, we need to give it back now.”

“Can I have one like this for Tricks or Treats this year, Momma?”

I could see the expression on my mother’s face now. “Well see if your babushka will make you one. Maybe your sister can tell us where she got the pattern.”

“She makes them.” Emily said. “But I’m sure that I can talk her in to sharing.”

“That would be terrific. I’m sure that Quinn would have made it from scratch too, and Sofia would have loved it no matter what it looked like. But with—“

“Would have. You two aren’t together anymore?”

“She died right after Sofia was born.”

“Oh, my god, Nikki, I didn’t … I’m so sorry. I wouldn’t have brought it up if I knew.”

“How could you have known?”

“I mean you weren’t writing for a while, but I just assumed that you were … Wow. I don’t know what to say. I know how much you loved her. If I had known, I would have seen if you needed anything, or…”

“Emily, it’s okay. I’ve made my peace with it, and I have Sofia to take care of. I was in a bad place for a while, but fortunately my parents rallied around me.”

“So, you’re here for the pageant too?”

“I wish.” I pulled Sofia so that she was against me. “Apparently, Sofia was defending my honor, and she punched a little boy in the process. So I’m here to escort her home to begin her 3 day suspension.”

“Momma says hitting isn’t good, unless the person is going to actually hurt you.” Sofia announced.

“That seems about right.” Emily smiled at her. “What did he say?” She asked me.

“That I wasn’t her ‘real’ mother.”

“Wow, I’d have hit him too.”

“See, Momma!” Sofia leaned her head back to look up at me.

Emily’s eyes widened, and she looked at me with regret. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that aloud. You’d think I’d have more practice with my sisters kids.” Emily knelt down in front of Sofia, trying to balance the costumes she was holding. “Don’t listen to me, Sofia. I don’t have kids. I’m the crazy aunt. Your Momma’s right, you know. She’s a very smart woman.” Emily looked at me, and I remembered how nice she was. “And a very talented writer. I hope you’re working on something new.”