Out of Grief (18 page)

“Okay. That’s a good start. What exactly do you want to get out of these sessions?”

“I want to do right by Sofia. I want to be the mother that Quinn thought I could be. I want to know I can do this. I have these moments when I see her laying there dead, and I can’t breathe, and I remember just an hour or two before that, she was squeezing my hand every time she had a contraction with so much strength I thought she’d crush my fingers, and then she was gone. How is that possible?”

“I know you don’t want to hear this, but it happens.”

“You’re right; that’s the last thing I want to hear.”

“Well, I think we should start with twice a week. Will that work for you?”

“I’ll make it work.”

Chapter Thirty-Nine

“So, she actually thinks she can just swoop in, after tossing Quinn out on the street for loving me and treating me like a pariah, and take my child. I don’t understand why we even have to go to court.”

“We’ve been through this, Nikki. Life isn’t fair.”

“Okay, fine. I get that. It took me most of mine to actually be with the woman I loved, and look at how that turned out. But Sofia is a child. MY child. Quinn had papers drawn up. She left a trust fund, put me in charge of it. It’s all spelled out in writing. Her wishes are on paper, in black and white. This isn’t a case of he said, she said. How is this even happening?”

Doctor Dean just cocked her eyebrow.

“Fine. Life isn’t fair,” I conceded.

“Do you think Sofia has a right to know Quinn’s mother, her grandmother?”

“To know that she’s a fucking monster. Why? Why would I put her though that?”

“When she’s old enough to ask about Quinn and her family, what are you going to tell her?”

“I think I might have a couple years to figure that out, Doc. Don’t you think?”

“Would Quinn’s mother back off if you let her to have a relationship with Sofia?”

“I’m a lesbian. I’m everything Quinn’s mother hates in this world. She thinks I’m evil, and bad, and I’m going to burn in the fires of hell. And you want me to have her talk to Sofia about me?”

“So, no.”

“Is there a solution? Am I being unreasonable?”

“Take a breath, Nikki. That’s not what I’m saying.”

“I know you’re not. You’re just trying to get me to look at it from all angles. But there aren’t any good angles where Quinn’s mom is concerned.”

“Have you thought about what you’ll do if you lose this case?”

What the fuck kind of question is that? Now she’s just trying to antagonize me.
“That’s not an option.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“You think she’s right? You think I’m unfit?”

“That’s not what I’m saying, Nikki.”

“Then what the fuck are you saying?”

“Language.”

Dr. Dean wasn’t fond of cursing. She thought it was a cop out. Especially when I used it a lot in a session. “Sorry. But you have to admit that question is pretty messed up. You’re supposed to be helping me.”

“I don’t think it will happen. I’m asking what if it does. What will you do?”

Sofia started to wail. It was as if she could hear my internal turmoil and she was verbalizing it in the only way she knew how. I did everything in my power to try and calm her down, but it was no use, the situation wasn’t allowing me to truly calm down.

“May I?” Dr. Dean reached out.

“What?”

“May I try?”

“You want to …”

“Give me Sofia, Nikki.”

“Do you think you can do something I can’t?”

“No. I think, right now, you should try this. Let me hold her for a couple minutes. I will be right here next to you. She will be in view the whole time.”

It didn’t help that Sofia continued to wail no matter how I rocked her or tried to cajole her to stop.

“The one thing I do know, Nikki, is that you’ll never be able to do this without your support system. And that means, at some point, trusting the people that love you.”

Trusting the people that loved me. Like I trusted Quinn. I trusted her with my heart and she took a chunk of it with her when she died. Sofia began to blur, as my eyes were overflowing with tears. “You won’t move from here?”

“I will stay right beside you.” She smiled and held out her arms.

I laid Sofia carefully in her arms. “Careful of her head…”

“I’ve held babies before, Nikki.” She rocked her gently, humming softly. Sofia began to calm down.

“Can I have her back, please?”

“Of course you can.”

But she made no effort to move.

“I mean, now. Can I have her back now?”

“What are you feeling right now, Nikki?”

Like I want to punch you.
“I really need to have her back.”

“Why?”

Are you fucking kidding me?
“Please, just…”

“What are you feeling?”

“Lost! Okay?” I yelled. “I feel lost.”

She put Sofia back in my arms. “Good. Now, let’s explore what that’s about.”

Chapter Forty

“She’s lying in there, Kat. She’s making me seem like some sleazy, slutty …it’s all just lies. And you object and she still gets to keep on lying. How is that fair?”

“You’ve had good character witnesses, the head of the English Department at NYU, your agent, your publicist, and Marta. Trust me, the judge is not just hearing her hatred. So, listen, Nikki, when I put you on the stand, you cannot attack her. Do you understand? I know you want to pummel her to the ground right now. But you have to come across as the adult in the situation, do you understand?”

She was right, I wanted to bury that woman alive. But right now, I had to stay focused on the important thing. And the important thing in all of this was Sofia. I had to make sure that Sofia was safe, and loved. “Game face.”

Game face was a term we would use in college when we had no sleep and had to do a presentation in class or attend a function with faculty. Kat smiled. “Exactly.”

***

“Now, Ms. Kasianenko, you have heard all the testimony against your character, and we will address that shortly. First, can you tell me when you and Ms. Warren married?”

“Saturday, June 1
^st
of this year.”

“And who married you?”

“A judge, it was all legal. I have the certificate.”

“So, when you and Ms. Warren married, she was already pregnant, correct?”

“Yes.”

“And you and she made the decision to have a baby, when?”

“When she found out she was pregnant, she asked me to help her. We were best friends.”

“Nothing more?”

“Not then.”

“But you married her. So, I have to ask—“

“Did I love her? Absolutely. I’ve loved her since the day that we met.”

“But she didn’t love you?”

“She was afraid. She thought her parents would never understand, so she tried to live the life they wanted.”

“Objection, hearsay!” her attorney yelled.

“Your Honor, I’d like to enter into evidence a letter that was given to me by Ms. Warren when she retained my services. I think this will clarify any objections the opposition may have.” Kat produced a plastic sleeve, with a letter inside.

The judged looked at the letter before handing it back. “I’ll accept this.”

“Ms. Kasianenko, do you recognize this letter?”

“You gave it to me after Quinn passed away.”

“And would you be so kind as to read the highlighted portion for the court.”

I took the copy. “It’s all highlighted,” I said.

“Then, please, read it all.”

I cleared my throat, and began to read aloud. “My dearest, Nikki, if you are reading this, then something has happened to me. No matter what that was or when it happened, I can say that our time together was too short. I spent far too many years trying to be something I wasn’t, at the expense of both of our happiness. I am only lucky enough that you stood by me, as my best friend and truest confidant. No matter where we are in life right now, I feel that I have cheated both of us out of more years of happiness, but please know that you, and you alone, have had my heart.” I took a moment to wipe the tears from my eyes, so I could read the rest without it being blurry. “I knew that even before we made love, and after, well, I know what I just said—I wasted so much time, fighting what I felt for you. No one has ever made me happier than you have made me.

I know that no matter what happens, you will care for our child. There is no one else in this world I trust to raise him or her (hopefully). I know that you will carry me in your heart always, as I will carry you in mine. All my love, Quinn.”

Kat took the letter from me. “Are you okay, Ms. Kasianenko, or do you need a moment?” she asked as she passed the letter to the judge.

I looked at the judge, and she looked misty eyed. God, I hoped that was a good sign. “The sooner we finish this, the sooner my daughter and I can start our life, so let’s continue.”

“Aside from Ms. Warren’s obvious faith in you, what makes you think that you will be a fit parent?”

“I’m not saying that I won’t make mistakes. I’ve had the best parents that anyone could ever ask for, and I’m sure they will tell you, they’ve made a few. But I love Sofia, with all my heart, and I will do everything in my power to make sure that she is healthy, happy, and that she knows love.” I looked directly at Mrs. Warren. “I will not turn my back on her, even if she doesn’t turn out to be the person that I hope she’ll be.”

“Thank you. No further questions, Your Honor.”

“Mr. Vogt, your witness.”

Mr. Vogt was a tall, thin man, impeccably dressed in what had to be a designer suit. But his face, despite the chiseled features, housed the coldest blue eyes I’d ever seen. You could ice skate on those eyes, they were so flat. “Ms. Kasianenko.” He drew the word ‘Ms.’ out like it was the most disgusting title known to man,. “It is Ms., even though you claim to be married, isn’t it?”

“As a writer, it made sense to keep my surname.”

“Even though you don’t write under the name Kasianenko, do you?”

“No, but it just made things easier.” Before he could launch into anything else, I added, “I use a pen name, because, well, quite frankly, who can spell my last name?”

“Oh, I thought it was because what you write would bring dishonor to your family name.”

“Objection. Was there a question in there?”

“Mr. Vogt, you are walking on thin ice in my courtroom; you have been since this trial began. Do you understand?”

“Understood, Your Honor.” Turning his attention back to me, he said, “And as a writer, you feel like you are in a position to provide for Sofia?”

“I’m financially secure enough right now. I could quit writing for a while and focus solely on Sofia, until she’s old enough to go to school, without ever touching her trust fund.”

“And given your alternative lifestyle, do you think you will be exposing Sofia…”

“I don’t mean to interrupt you, Mr. Vogt. But the love of my life just died. It will be a very long time before I am interested in dating, let alone being intimate with anyone. And I doubt that I will be ever again. Right now, Sofia is my only responsibility. And I intend to make sure that I do this right.”

“That’s all well and good, Ms. Kasianenko, but what assurance can you give this court that you will not introduce Sofia to your immoral behavior?”

“Objection.”

“Sustained.”

“I have taken the time to read some of your novels, Ms. Kasianenko. Or should I say, Nikki Kay? They are quite racy, to say the least.”

“Objection.”

“Mr. Vogt, is there a question? Or can we move on?” The judge sounded more than displeased.

“Well, Your Honor, the impetus for the stories had to come from somewhere. How can the court be sure that Nikki Kay isn’t leading this kind of lifestyle?”

“Objection. He’s referring to works of fiction, Your Honor.”

“Sustained.”

“I would like to answer, Your Honor, if I may?” I looked at Kat, and she shook her head. Thank God her prep had been so extensive.

“You do realize that you don’t need to, Ms. Kasianenko.”

“I do.”

“All right then, I’ll allow it.”

“Just because the characters in my books often times aren’t paragons of virtue, Mr. Vogt, doesn’t mean that I don’t try to live a clean life. No one can claim they are perfect, so I won’t begin to. But they are, as my attorney pointed out, fiction. They are characters in books that I have made up. People read books for the drama, and by creating that, I aim to give them what they want.” I looked straight at the judge. “Believe me when I say, I prefer my drama on the pages of my books, and not in my every day life. So, I can assure you, all of this has been enough drama to last me a lifetime.”

“And will you encourage Sofia to lead a lesbian lifestyle?”